I learned some things about why I keep failing at men, while I was using Tinder across Europe. Aussie men are afraid of women. They treat us like a foreign species instead of a different gender. The European men I chatted to were much more relaxed, confident and straightforward in their flirting. I didn't get offended and delete a single one for being disrespectful or inappropriate. Plus, I never once got a 'How's your day?' which is Brisbane men's default question… every day for 4-5 days before I delete him because he either doesn’t know how to speak to women, or was texting so many people he couldn't keep the conversation going and/or was too lazy to scroll up to see what we'd already said.
The men I matched with in Europe asked me about me, and shared things about them - none of this trying to be overly clever, using pick-up-lines, or not knowing what to say. It was refreshing to have men chat to me like a fellow human being with a personality and brain. Crazy, I know.
I found French and German men the most attractive in very different ways. The French were exotically dark, handsome and confident. The Germans were striking with bold, pale features. Italian men I found a bit pushy - half a dozen sidestepped Tinder matching to DM me on Instagram even though I'd expressed no interest - I ignored them all, respect my space please. The Spaniards were sensual, friendly and most chilled out. By the time we got to our last stop in Prague I was out of data and the apartment wifi wasn't working so I didn't get any Czech matches - though, if it's like their customer service the matches could be aggressive, cold and intimidating. I could be wrong though.
I did have one Tinder win story in Berlin. My first Tinder win in 5 years. All I had to do was go to the other side of the world. Maybe I'll tell you about him some time. But yes, Aussie women traveling Europe - I highly recommend using Tinder over there even if you’re burnt out from Aussie Tinder here!
- THE END -
EUROPE TRAVEL SERIES
It took me a few weeks to get back into the swing of things. I had writer’s block… well, I had ideas but I didn’t want to sit down with a MacBook for the longest time because I’d gotten used to not hanging out with computers on account of I didn't take one to Europe. But now I am back in Australia and back on my laptop and back to reality.
Our welcome back wasn’t so nice. First, I come back to a plebiscite about a human rights issue that’s only an ‘issue’ because our politicians are cowards who won’t stand up for what’s right for all Australians. Of course, I voted yes but I’m disappointed that I had to, and I'm also irate that it's non-binding anyway. Why do we even need to do this?!
Second, a piece of trash at Brisbane International Airport mistook us for tourists and slagged us off in Boganese thinking we couldn’t understand her. Then, Dad Pham went and had himself some heart failure at our first Phamly Dinner back - thank goodness we had jet lag to make spending a night in Emergency less painful (though first day back at work that morning hurt quite a bit). I’m glad I was back in Australia in time to care for Dad but the culture (or lack thereof) shock left me with a bad case of the post-holiday blues.
Being overseas and meeting great people, then returning to that choice local twat, I realised I don’t really like Australians. The Europeans I encountered all had an inherent understanding or at least an awareness of other cultures and other languages that most Australians simply lack. I was so impressed with how nearly everyone we met could speak 2 or 3 languages. I’m only bi-lingual because of my heritage, otherwise, I’d only speak Australian like most folks here. I felt so uncultured, selfish and spoiled in Europe. I only learned enough to say hello, bye and thank you in the countries we visited - and expected (and did) find English speakers whenever I needed to communicate something important.
Australians tend to live in ignorance because of our isolated island. Sure, there’s racism everywhere in the world - not just Australia, but in Europe every country is bordered by many others so their racists know a bit about what they hate/fear about a different race or religion - doesn't make it OK but makes it different. In Australia, the racism is an ignorant and aggressive hate/fear - backed by a strong sense of entitlement to a land that we invaded, yet don't acknowledge or pay respects to its original owners to this day and still celebrate invasion day like it's something to be proud of. At least the conversation has started around that now - but it could be years before anything is done.
I miss Europe. I miss talking with strangers who know how to ask about my cultural background and history without making me feel like an alien or super-awkward. I also like not being petted on the head like a good doggo because some Aussie chick thinks I "look so cute" - I was so shocked when that happened I didn't say anything, but damn, bitch, treat me like a human being, please. I still love Australia, and I think we’re the luckiest country in the world. I just wish we’d stop promoting ourselves as a multicultural country and start to live it instead - we'd probably enjoy or at least learn a thing or two by opening our hearts and minds to people who don't live life exactly the same way we do.
And that's how I became the third wheel on my own vacation.
Wait, let's start from the very beginning. Little Sissy Pham and I were planning a trip to Europe in 2011 for when the Eurovision Song Contest was in Germany. Unfortunately, Mum Pham fell ill and we postponed our trip but life happened. Jobs came and went, boyfriends came and went, then the more responsible one (not me) bought a mortgage and suddenly it was 2017 and we hadn't gotten around to our trip. So we decided this year had to be the year.
Little Sissy Pham has a new(ish) boyfriend and they're still doing the cutesy new sweethearts crap so instead of wanting to get away from him, she wanted to invite him. So that's how I became the third wheel on my own vacation crashing on couches while they slept in cosy beds. And yet, they were the ones who needed naps during the day (no gumption)! It worked out since I liked going out exploring on my own since Little Sissy Pham couldn't walk fast or far in her cankles.
5 weeks in Europe nearly killed the sloth couple. I was pretty tired by the end too, though I could have pressed ahead for another week of trekking around. By the last stop in Prague they'd given up on exploring and just went shopping, which is a shame because Prague city centre is one of the prettiest places I've ever seen. Every which way I looked it was beautiful.
There's so much to explore in Europe. Our trip took us from Paris to Barcelona to Marseille to Nice to Rome to Venice to Milan to Geneva to our hometown via Frankfurt to Berlin to Prague. We traveled mostly by train using a Eurail Pass, then roamed the streets of every city visiting as many sights and destinations as we could. It was exhausting and exhilarating.
Expect a string of Europe travel inspired blog posts to come!
My car got a little smushed at a roundabout by an SUV that didn’t see me - maybe they were colourblind, my car is green. So I took the train for the couple of weeks while it was at the car doctors. What do you call those? Mechanics? I enjoyed public transport for the first few days, though I missed my morning car karaoke sessions. Then the early starts and longer, somber commutes began to wear me down. Still, it was fun to people watch on the bus and train.
I find it funny that some people who enter my life for fleeting moments on public transport, or driving through traffic will forever be remembered as the lady with the superhero run, or the suit with the epic yawn face, or the gym jock nose-picker. People in cars are my favourite though. They somehow think a clear dashboard window hides their hilarious, private antics.
My all-time favourite is a sweet moment a Dad and daughter shared. She was dancing and singing her heart out to whatever song was on the radio, and being a cheeky monkey. I still picture the glimpse into their lives when he turned to look at her at a red light as she strikes a dramatic hip hop pose, their eyes meet for a weighted moment, then they both burst out laughing like it was the best thing ever. That was real love right there.
So next time you’re walking the streets, sitting on public transport, or driving your car - remember, I could be creeping on you in my rearview mirror or through my windshield. But feel free to be yourself, and do embarrassing or sweet things like there’s no one watching.
I've lugged this pencil around with me for over a decade and I can't remember why I got it but that's not the point of this story. The point is I earned the pencil in Grade 6 back when Achievement Awards were still a thing in my life. I miss those days when people gave a damn what I did; back when we got awards for things like penmanship, helping others, learning to speak English properly (or was that ESL kids only?). These days it's rare I get any acknowledgement from anyone for anything like typing fast, being polite on the phone, or watering plants so they don't die.
I think my need to give other people positive reinforcement and show my gratitude comes from all the Achievement Awards I got as a kid. I mostly earned awards for being smart, which never really sat well with me because I knew other kids who weren't as bright and scored not so well but they worked SO much harder than I did. Why didn't they give academic rewards for effort? I'd flunk that category for sure. I was only ever proud of the Awards that acknowledged how I looked out for other kids or for overcoming my crippling shyness. These days, you can't shut me up if I have something to say and that's all thanks to my Grade 2 Achievement Award. I was super shy before then - partially because I didn't know English but also I was used to being the only Asian in an all white German class so sitting alone and not understanding what was going on was my norm.
I want to go back to the days when people gave you free stationery for slowly becoming a functioning member of society. Mainly, I just want free stationery. If I got pencils or notepads whenever I didn't overeat, or completed an exercise schedule in full, or got all my chores done; I'd be way more motivated and better at life. I also may become a hoarder considering I still have a pencil that's a couple of decades old. OR I would stop using email, text and Facebook messenger, and send people post-its and letters instead. Australia Post would get a nice little business boost and I'd become really slow at communication. Sometimes, you can't win them all.
Little Sissy Pham has a Tinder win story so I know not everyone fails this hard, but boy am I getting great at not succeeding. I was starting to think it was me and not the dating pool, but after spending a weekend on my Tinder account with a clinical psychologist friend I know it's the dating pool. She lost hope for me after only a couple days' swiping - I've been doing this for years! So many depressants and domestic violent cases got swiped left (no) by the expert. And the few she chatted to had major issues that drove us to unmatch. Only one guy got her OK - he was super genuine and down to earth.
...But as we got to chatting I learned he just got back from overseas where he'd moved to be with a now ex-girlfriend. He was unemployed, living at home, didn't have a car and lived 68km away. My ex, The Cheater, was all of those things when we met, and I have no intention of doing long distance ever again so that fizzled out. I didn't get a date from my friend's swipes, but I have recently been on 3 failed dates all by myself.
Fail #1 The suicidal ex.
The German showed potential - his texts were highly engaging and funny, he asked to meet me on the first day we matched. Spontaneous! We met up that night for a walk when he said he’d be in the area and I was going for a walk anyway. Turns out he drove half an hour to be in the area specifically to see me - impressed. We had a great time on our 2.5 hour walk chatting the whole way. So we went on a second date.
He was accomodating again when I got stuck at work and ruined our movie plans; he met me on the way home to buy me dinner instead. But something wasn’t right the moment I sat down. His energy was low, he looked exhausted and I couldn’t get the chat going. Finally, he sighed and told me he was emotionally drained because his friend, who he visited in hospital the day after our first date, is actually his ex-girlfriend and he’s her only friend in Bris. She’d set him up to go over and feed his cat while she was away, but instead of being on her way to the airport, he found her hanging herself and had to cut her down and resuscitate her, then admit her to hospital. His mood was off this night because she was being released from hospital the next day, and he was her carer. It kinda killed the mood.
I felt a little selfish for being disappointed that what should have been a fun night turned into me listening to his issues and feeling helpless. I felt for him, but he needed professional support, and I'm not qualified for anything. He said he felt better for seeing me, and getting his mind off things so at least listening helped a little. I treated him to arcade games and drinks after dinner, then never saw him again because I come with minimal baggage, and he had more than I can carry.
Fail #2 The seriously good and seriously, serious guy.
H The Happy as I call him was regrettable in a good way. I nearly didn’t meet him ‘cause he disappeared for a couple of weeks and in Tinder land that’s a lifetime so I didn’t give him my number when I deleted my account. But we rematched a couple months later, and he explained he got the flu and that's why he stopped responding.
Our date was a nice time - home-cooked dinner, pleasant intelligent chats, which lead to quite a bit of smooching, and I thought yeah, he's some one I can have fun with. Good, easygoing company. The thing was, he didn't feel the same way. He was already planning date 2 before date 1 ended, then planned date 3 before we went on date 2, which is amazing and never happens, right girls? A guy who plans ahead, thinks of cute date ideas, and isn’t afraid to say he wants to see you? Unheard of! But it made me realise he was way more into me than I was into him. And I’ve been him before this year. I didn’t want to string him along like No Fun did with me so I told him we weren't on the same page.
Ugh, I really wish I’d hit it off with H The Happy. He was soooo sweet and mindful and ideal boyfriend material…for someone who isn’t me. I need goofy, I need silly, I need humour - which is most important to me. I need to laugh at life or I will curl up in a traumatised ball and die. So if any of you ladies are seeking a good guy who wants a serious relationship, hit me up - I know a guy.
Fail #3 Ain’t nobody got time for dat. By dat, I mean me.
I probably should have realised when I unmatched The Ginger months ago when he suddenly stopped texting that he didn’t care about me or maybe dating in general. He had been on top of my to-meet list when he disappeared so I was disappointed he thought my banter not worth a reply.
When we rematched a couple of months later, he was more attentive on text so we met up. He didn't have an excuse like H the Happy who was sick. The Ginger told me he was being lazy at chatting to babes and going on dates. Again, I should have realised he didn't really care about me or dating in general.
But it wasn’t until a fateful bus ride to Byron Bay where my team got to know each other too well that I clued onto what was happening. A team mate made sure the straight girls knew to: “Never compromise yourself for boys ‘cause BOYS SSSSUUUUCCKKKK. They will try to get the most out of you for as little as possible ‘cause BOYS SSSSUUUUCCKKKK. They’re the worst. Just don’t do it. Don’t compromise. Don't - 'cause BOYS SSSSUUUUCCKKKK.” Wise, drunken, comically repeated words from a guy nearly a decade younger than me. He reminded me not to be a doormat and I bailed on minimal effort Ginger that weekend.
The screenshot above is our parting words. His roster is a cop out - he preferred to text me than see me, and y'all know how I feel about texting. I gave him two roster cycles and when he didn't make plans after he asked when I was free and I told him twice. But then ignored me when I asked when he was free, my ego had to take a hit and admit it wasn’t his roster that was the problem - I just wasn’t on his to-do list. It’s a shame, we had non-stop laughs on our first date and nerded out when we realised we were reading the same book in an old 14-book fantasy epic. Oh well, I wanted to see where it went and it ended up going nowhere like all of my Tinder dates. I'm taking a break from Brisbane boys to adventure in Europe right now. Currently in Paris, here's hoping I have a bit more luck in love from visiting the city of love...and urine-scented streets.
I've never worked in my own office without other people, unless you count that time I worked from home alone in my bedroom with only a few crows and a spider for company. All other times, I'm in low partitioned pods or big open spaces - never in small confined spaces. The social aspect is great, and I often pick up bits of knowledge that I can use in my work or to help others. But most of the time it's just noise I don't need to absorb. Open plan offices must be great for headphone sales.
In small teams of 2-8 people I used the free ear buds you get with super expensive smartphones, and that was fine. But this year my team has doubled in size and suddenly it went from sometimes not hearing people I was speaking to on the phone to me not being able to hear myself think. Using my mobile phone to make calls fixed the first issue. The second issue required big, on-ear headphones.
Considering I studied music & sound recording at university, you'd think I'd know something about headphones but I don't. I don't remember anything from university, except I met some most excellent people in my film class, and I've managed to keep in touch with one even though she lives in Kuwait these days. Yup, the HECS debt I'm still paying off was worth it.
A little browsing at electronic stores - I know shopping that's not in my pyjamas on the couch is so foreign to me these days. And then some googling brought me to House of Marley. A brand run by Bob Marley's family. They create headphones, speakers and accessories using recycled and repurposed materials. I was sold on those two facts alone.
I got myself the Positive Vibrations headphones because the name is so me, and also the colourways are super cute. Since I haven’t owned on-ear headphones since 2007, I have no idea where these sit on the sound quality scale apart from the fact they are better than the Sony headphones I had a decade ago. The sound is nice, crisp and light. I hate bass-heavy headphones like Beats since I prefer to hear my music not feel it shaking my skull open. Best of all these babies block out my teammates. Ideal!
Phamly holidays - never had one. We did little things that were big deals to a migrant Phamly raising three kids on welfare with no jobs and no car. I remember Dad Pham and Mum Pham took us to Moomba one year in Melbourne when we lived there. Well, they tried to. We took the train to the city but my parents didn’t know exactly where the festival was. They didn’t know enough English to get directions, and us kids were too young and useless to help find the way even though we did speak English. So we ended up getting lost and becoming exhausted in the city. Instead, we settled for lunch at McDonalds (also a treat!) before going home. Looking back it’s a bit sad that that’s about as close to a holiday that our Phamly got.
I’ve taken two holidays in my life. One to Japan in 2010 where my mystical friend who’d lived there planned everything, and one to Bali for a friend’s wedding in 2015 where my gays pretty much determined what we’d do. The trips were both short and sweet - about 10 days from memory. This year, I’ve booked a month long holiday to Europe in August/September with Little Sissy Pham +1, and I’m starting to realise I have no idea how to holiday.
Even though I come across zen because I don’t sweat the small stuff, it doesn’t mean I know how to relax. I’ve worked most of my life and when I was unemployed, I treated job hunting like a full-time job churning out applications, working on my folio or CV - no slacking off allowed. How will I deal with a whole month of just chilling and doing my own thing?
People always talk about loving holidays and travel, though I never quite caught the bug. But then, I change something in my life every 6-12 months, whether it’s job, home or boys - maybe that’s why I never felt the need to escape to a different country, because I’ve never been settled enough to get bored in Australia. And Mum & Dad never got us into the habit of traveling.
Guess we’ll find out what kind of traveller I am soon. Wish me luck! I have no idea what I’m doing.
In Asian culture it's pretty much mandatory that family gatherings are kicked off with the oldest generation of Asian women judging the younger generations. This is why Mum Pham used to introduce me to new friends and acquaintances as, "Ngoc (that means Jade) was the duck (she means dux) of her school. She could have done anything with her life, but she chose music and that's why her hair's like that."
A lot of the time you're judged on weight. "You're fat." "You need to tidy your waistline." "You need to diet." Which is immediately followed by massive plates of food and a stern, "Eat. Eat!" And once you're done with the first plate. "Eat more! I cooked so much food!" "You must eat dessert." "And second dessert." "And fruit."
Most of my life I've been a little or a lot overweight but the one time I lived with 9 dudes in a warehouse and never had food around the home, I was a tad underweight (this was when I had Bobble Head Syndrome). During my skinny phase, I got a, "Now that you're skinny, your nose looks too big." There's no winning with Asian elders.
At the latest big family gathering, the Aunts decided I am single because of the way I dress. It is unflattering - not demure, not elegant, not classy. This critique would be offensive if I thought I was any of those things, but I don't. I even agree with them for a change.
I dress like I let a 2 year old pick my outfit, after a unicorn ate too many rainbows and threw up on everything I own. Plus I finish off my looks with a pair of sneakers so I can stomp around like the ungraceful klutz a lifetime of not participating in sports has helped me to become. I look like a hot mess but that's ok, I would rather be myself and single than doll myself up for someone who'd date me based on my wardrobe.
I'm pretty in (unicorn) punk and I'm happy that way. If guys don't like that, then they can go and love themselves, right? Right.
Believe it or not, despite my bright and colourful wardrobe and matching demeanour, I do think unhappy thoughts sometimes. I keep the dark scary off the Interwebs because there’s enough negativity on here - am I right? Sometimes, I think the happy, positive people in the world probably also have the worst thoughts because if you have the capacity to be extreme in one way, you have it in you to be the opposite extreme too.
There is no hiding when I’ve cried. My eyelids puff up like I’ve had an allergic reaction to life (which I suppose you could say I did), and my eyes become so bloodshot and dry it looks like I haven’t slept in days. The worst cries are when I run out of tears and burst the little blood vessels around my eye socket so I also have little red veins streaking everywhere. No amount of makeup can hide all three side-effects of bawling my eyes out because it changes the physical shape of my eyes, lips and nose - everything gets puffy.
I don’t cry too often. I feel like crying all the time - say, about once every month 4-6 days before I start bleeding - PMS, guys, it’s a bitch. But I only cry every now and then if I’m feeling bummed out about something specific. The trigger can be big or small and the cries accordingly.
My last small cry was after a nice lunch at RSPCA Wacol's Black Cat Cafe when I saw a kitty kat being adopted by a young boy and his mum. I was so darn ecstatic for the cat and her new family I burst into tears on the spot.
My last big cry was after my dating fail with No Fun - it brought on years of self-doubt and feeling unwanted for most of my life. And people often point out what’s wrong with me when it comes to reasons I am single (too intelligent, too weird, etc) and I usually disagree with them (too argumentative) because it's the dating pool that's wrong (too idealistic). I let myself be overwhelmed and weeped every night for nearly two weeks. Sometimes it's good to let it go, Queen Elsa is right.
There's no shame in crying whether it's over sad things or glad things. Everyone needs to let themselves feel their feelings every once in a while. All because society undervalues emotion, does not mean it has no value to us as people. It is good to feel your feelings. It's where art and music and creativity and beauty is born. It's how we relate to one another and make connections. So, dear people, let yourself feel all the things. Don't hold back! ...Unless your feelings are impulses to hurt yourself or others - in which case, please reach out to people at organisations like headspace and beyondblue who can help you process what you're feeling.
I turned off my social media notifications a month ago, and it’s probably the only good decision I’ve made all year. Washing crystals with my klutz hands in the bathroom sink and chipping the basin - terrible idea. Spraying my herbs with a homemade mix that sunburnt all the leaves cause I did so at the wrong time of day with a too-heavy mix and breaking my sister’s spray bottle when the cayenne pepper clogged the pump - also not great ideas. Hanging out with someone I referred to as No Fun - worst idea. But reducing the number of notifications I get by turning off notifications for non-essential apps? Best idea ever.
I was forever guilty of checking notifications when they popped up on my phone, then spending the next 10-30mins scrolling through whatever app I had opened. I no longer get notifications for Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Tinder, Twitter and LinkedIn - the worst offenders on my phone. I also started scheduling social posts for my blog using Hootsuite so I don’t need to go into any apps.
I turned off email notifications except for direct, personal e-mails - G Suite / Gmail is my hero here, you can set it up to filter out all the non-essential emails like e-newsletters, order updates, social media updates etc. And work emails no longer ping my phone unless it’s from an address marked as “VIP” - as in, the boss, the CEO etc. The rest of the digital world can wait until I’m in the mood for virtual socialising. And if it can’t, the people who need to reach me have my mobile number. Yup, I’m one of those old people who still uses their phone for calls some of the time.
I still love a good scroll through social media but these days it’s at my own pace and not when someone else is interacting with me on the apps. So sorry (not sorry) if I haven’t gotten back to anyone on social media - take no notice, I am not ignoring you, I just haven’t gotten around to opening the app yet.
I went to see the live action Beauty & The Beast (2017) on the weekend because I loved the Disney animation as a kid and throughout the movie, I found my brain screaming, 'No, no, no, no, NO!' How? What? Huh? Why is one of the most intelligent and vocal feminists of the younger generation starring in a film about a young woman being held against her will and verbally abused by a beast with anger issues? I don't get it. How did this happen?
When I learned that Michelle Law’s “Single Asian Female” play at the La Boite Theatre in Brisbane had a preview show on my birthday (some of you may call it Valentine's Day), I knew it was destiny. Hello, I’m Always Single, and I’m Asian so I love anything cheap including preview tickets. This night was meant to be.
I haven’t been single on Valentine’s Day the past couple years, but long distance meant I was solo anyways. This year I’m a free agent so for Single Ladies Valentine's Day I took a bunch of my single and not-as-single ladies to the show for Valentine’s Day.
I cannot recommend Single Asian Female enough - it is the best live theatre I have seen in years, possibly ever. You don't need to be single, Asian or female to relate to the characters. There is so much heart and soul and hilarity. No awkward or filler moments. Every little detail adds to the bigger picture. It had me in tears from laughing so hard, and from the heart wrenching & heart warming story.
Seeing people of my heritage and cultural background represented authentically live on stage filled a void I wasn’t aware was there. In all the plays, movies, shows, magazines I’ve seen, the South-East Asians are in Westernised settings. The best way I can think to describe what I felt watching the play is recognition and belonging. The women onstage were my mum (at one point, I accidentally cried out ‘that’s my mum!’ I was so shocked to see an EXACT moment my mother and I shared), the women were my Aunty, my cousins, my friends. So while I recommend this play to anyone and everyone, I especially recommend it to my Asian friends. It's rare and wonderful to experience something you can connect with on such a personal level.
Every now and then via my blog, I receive a message from a stranger who has been so excited that they’re not alone in thinking or feeling the same thing, that they’re moved to share their own story with me. Single Asian Female created so many moments like this for me and my girlfriends (none of them Asian except for Little Sissy Pham) - we left the theatre on a high and couldn't stop talking about all the different moments from the show we connected with. I hope Michelle Law, the playwright, is proud of her masterpiece that touches people on so many levels, and is perfectly told by a cast of brilliant actors.
The show runs until Saturday 4th March, 2017. As a birthday present to me, please treat yo'self to a night of laughs and love at Single Asian Female. If you read my blog, it means you like what single, asian women think so I promise you'll have a good time:
My friend's post-marriage mantra is 'Don't Be A Doormat' because "sometimes I'm so flat you won't even notice I'm there." She shared this with me in a not-so subtle attempt to tell me that I've been letting a guy walk all over me. Rogue Fun and I were not a good fit, and at my age I should know better than to force things. I still gave him more chances than any of my supportive girlfriends would have liked (thanks for your patience, ladies, I know I was infuriating by the end). I deserve more effort than I got even if I'm "not hard work" or especially because I'm not hard work, so I had to stop being a doormat and walk away.
Rogue Fun didn't intentionally walk all over me but he took my kindness and understanding for granted. He was very emotionally low key and noncommittal - so much so he didn't appear to care I was around. I'm the complete opposite - I feel all the things and do big and small gestures to show I care about other people's happiness. I thought maybe we'd make a comedic opposites attract duo, and while there was definitely attraction, Rogue Fun became no fun because I need a little affection too. There's only so many cancellations my ego can take before I start feeling rejected. I found myself holding back and toning things down after a while, and if I can't be myself then what's the point? Oh well, we are who we are. I hope he finds someone equally low key to hang out with. And I hope I find someone who's a little excited about seeing me.
Alas, it's back to the drawing board. This sucks because last time I online dated, I had to go on soooooo many filter dates. This is what I call first dates for people you meet online 'cause really you're just meeting to filter out the ones you have zero chemistry with, which was every single one for a year and a half before I met my ex-boyfriend. This time around I was so excited that the first guy passed the chemistry test that I let myself get carried away with the crush. But reality crashed that party pretty quickly.
I am dreading the many, many dud dates I'll have to go on now to find my next connection, but you know what? I deserve the effort. If I expect guys to put in an effort for me, then I need to do the same for myself. And this time, no doormatting. Wish me luck in the dating world. If only all boys could be as sweet as the two young gentleman who offered to be my Valentine's this year, the world would be a much lovelier place.
I was listening to Pandora (and not Spotify because I’m old and Pandora were on the scene first and I’m lazy / set in my ways) when an old song I used to be obsessed with came on. If you haven’t noticed, anything can inspire a blog post in my weird brain and hearing this song was enough to trigger a whole thought chain from past me to future me.
I haven’t listened to Monica 'Don’t Take It Personal (Just One Of Dem Days' in years - over a decade, even. Not since I got through puberty and emerged a tolerable human being. This song makes so much more sense now I know what PMS is! I mean, I was a disgruntled and unhappy teen so I couldn’t differentiate between regular me and PMS me - back then I had one of dem hormonal days every day. Now I’ve developed into a decent person with passable charm (fake it til you make it, people), I know when hormones are making me unreasonable, melodramatic and a total biatch each month.
I'm mature enough now to take myself out of the equation of life so I don't take my moodiness out on others and create more bad vibes. Well, when I can - at work I just have to suck it up and my poor desk buddy doesn't know when I shut down and don't want to talk that it's not him, it's me. I guess we've worked together long enough for me to just tell him...
Dave, I PMS mid-month every month and there's one day in the lead up where I turn into an emotional wreck and want to cry for no reason; and then one day when the bleeding starts where I just want to lie down and be left alone to die a slow, impending, miserable death. I will warn you next time I'm extra hormonal since you don't read my blog.
At home, I can simply announce it to the housemate (Little Sissy Pham) and then sit in a grumpy lump on the couch or curled up in my bed. And she may or may not feed me bags of potato chips and chocolate. I do the same for her. Luckily we're not completely synched so usually on my awful or exhausted days she's OK, and on her awful or exhausted days I'm OK. Sisters don't have to do it for themselves.
PMS, girls and guys, is a bitch. Everyone experiences hormonal changes differently so sorry to say there's no simple rules to follow when navigating your way through rampaging hormones. Maybe one day we'll live in a society where we can just take a PMS day from work each month and openly tell people 'I'm bleeding and don't feel so hot' but till that day comes I'll subtly try to avoid humans and limit my anger to myself. If I ever tell you to please stop talking at me, think of this song and 'Don't take it personal.'
There was a moment this year when the CEO at work asked me to recheck some figures because something was off by one, and I replied, "I did the split and I don't really make mistakes like that." Not because I'm cocky but because I am methodical - hence, project management life. By the way, I rechecked figures and I was right because duh. I'm not really someone who makes mistakes at work... or at least, admit to them. My mistakes tend to happen in my personal life. These are my favourite mistakes of 2016:
1/ It's Not A Tumor
The worst and best moment of my year was in April 2016 when Middling Niece had an awful kidney infection and cancer scare. Friggin' doctors scared the living crap out of my Phamly when they warned us some growths visible on scans could be cancer coming back and I bawled my eyes out like I hadn't done in years. This was during a peak period at work as well, so I spent my long days consumed by deadlines, my evenings in hospital playing with my niece to break up her boredom and my nights trying not to cry more before repeating the same cycle next day. It turns out what the doctors thought could be her cancer returning was just a bizarre mucus caused by an infection so bad they hadn't seen anything like it before. My mistake was listening to the experts - Middling Niece is still in remission. That's the last time I listen to doctors!
2/ The Long Ending
I struggled for most of this year with a long distance relationship. It actually felt like work and no fun but I kept it up because I don't like admitting defeat. I'm stubborn like that. It was a big mistake not to end things sooner - we both were finding it hard to keep ourselves and each other happy. The reason it makes my favourites list is because the drawn out ending meant I didn't have the shocked heartbreak of a sudden ending, I had relief like a weight had been lifted. It changed my energy and as soon as I became single, I made some ridiculously fabulous and supportive new friends, and am still meeting interesting and fun new people.
3/ The Unsexiest Tinder Profile
My pics aren't my best but they sum me up pretty well, I think. One dude actually told me I'm cuter on my Instagram than my Tinder profile and I'm not doing myself justice. That's right, I had Tinder profiles mansplained to me. Unmatch - ain't nobody got time for dat.
I also quote my parents in my bio 'cause there is nothing sexier than making guys think about your parents while they're trying to picture you naked to decide whether you're bone-worthy.
Mum: "Ngoc (Jade) was the duck (she means dux) of her school. She could have done anything with her life but she chose music (now fashion) and that's why her hair's like that."
Dad: "Your mind is simple. That's why you're a happy person." Turns over my palm. "See? Look how clear the lines are. You don't think much."
The good part is, I think I filter out all the gross men with my super goofy profile. So far the men who don't care about me as a human being and only want vagina time have been awfully polite and considerate in their offers. While at the same time, the dudes that seem interested in who I am as a person seem genuine.
So, in conclusion, things I've learned from 2016 is never listen to experts, taking forever to end a relationship isn't a bad thing, and being unsexy in the online dating world is good for avoiding mega creeps. Here's to new and better mistakes in 2017!
We don't celebrate Xmas normally in our Phamly because Vietnamese. We usually gift the little ones because their Italian-Australian half is into Xmas and eat our usual Phamly dinner of rice paper rolls or banh xeo (Viet pancakes). This year, their Italian-Australian mother is cooking a lamb leg and all of a sudden we have to learn how to Xmas the Aussie way.
Little Sissy Pham turns to her boyfriend and says, "You're white. How do we do white Christmas?" In his family it's meat, potato and veggies. Sounds easy enough. Then yesterday, Apple made Little Sissy Pham and I a delicious pre-Xmas dinner and showed us how Xmas is done in the real world. Meat, potato bake, mango & avocado salad followed by Xmas treaty desserts. We are stealing her ideas for the Phamly's first white Christmas tonight. We do Xmas on Xmas Eve because Mum Pham and Dad Pham learned how to Christmas in Germany. It's all a mixed bag of multi-cultural references really.
Wishing everyone a nice holiday season whatever you celebrate or don't celebrate. I hope you get a break from reality to reflect on 2016 - the good and the bad, and clear the slate for whatever comes next. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to prep for my second day of eating for 10 hours straight. Love to all.
I renewed my driver's licence recently - I look same, same but different. As Dad Pham likes to remind me, it's a miracle or dumb luck that I ever got my licence because my un-coordination extends into driving. I used to be an anxious, bad driver but I've improved over the years - these days, I'm a confident, bad driver. I don't know which is worse. Kidding - I'm actually half decent at driving; it's the parking and then remembering where I parked that I remain awful at.
A lot has happened in the 5 years since I moved back to Brisbane and got a QLD licence made. I have:
Since reaching my 30s, I've become a lot more zen and comfortable in my own skin. Part of it is accepting myself for who I am - a quirky, imperfect, sometimes dopey, sometimes intelligent, optimistic human being; and part of it is knowing whose opinion matters to me and not caring what the rest of the world thinks. I've also learned you can't please everyone, and if your loved ones love you back, they'll accept and support your decisions - even when you've made a terrible call. Bless the good souls in my life.
I spent too much of my 20s doing things because I felt I should be doing them, not because I wanted to. Prioritising career over family & friends - no more, partying all the time - no more, drinking socially despite my allergy - no more, eating animal despite my guilt - no more. Losing Mum Pham when I was 27 woke me up from that life path. I felt lost in space for a year or so before I found my feet again, much more grounded than before.
There's an easy freedom in being yourself. Life doesn't weigh you down with worries about what you should or shouldn't be/want/do/have. I'm hoping this newfound sense of self will help me navigate the wacky world of dating and relating to other human beings... and I don't end up dating someone else's monogamous boyfriend again.
Phamly Reunion
Europe 2017
It took me a few weeks to get back into the swing of things. I had writer’s block… well, I had ideas but I didn’t want to sit down with a MacBook for the longest time because I’d gotten used to not hanging out with computers on account of I didn't take one to Europe. But now I am back in Australia and back on my laptop and back to reality.
Our welcome back wasn’t so nice. First, I come back to a plebiscite about a human rights issue that’s only an ‘issue’ because our politicians are cowards who won’t stand up for what’s right for all Australians. Of course, I voted yes but I’m disappointed that I had to, and I'm also irate that it's non-binding anyway. Why do we even need to do this?!
Second, a piece of trash at Brisbane International Airport mistook us for tourists and slagged us off in Boganese thinking we couldn’t understand her. Then, Dad Pham went and had himself some heart failure at our first Phamly Dinner back - thank goodness we had jet lag to make spending a night in Emergency less painful (though first day back at work that morning hurt quite a bit). I’m glad I was back in Australia in time to care for Dad but the culture (or lack thereof) shock left me with a bad case of the post-holiday blues.
Being overseas and meeting great people, then returning to that choice local twat, I realised I don’t really like Australians. The Europeans I encountered all had an inherent understanding or at least an awareness of other cultures and other languages that most Australians simply lack. I was so impressed with how nearly everyone we met could speak 2 or 3 languages. I’m only bi-lingual because of my heritage, otherwise, I’d only speak Australian like most folks here. I felt so uncultured, selfish and spoiled in Europe. I only learned enough to say hello, bye and thank you in the countries we visited - and expected (and did) find English speakers whenever I needed to communicate something important.
Australians tend to live in ignorance because of our isolated island. Sure, there’s racism everywhere in the world - not just Australia, but in Europe every country is bordered by many others so their racists know a bit about what they hate/fear about a different race or religion - doesn't make it OK but makes it different. In Australia, the racism is an ignorant and aggressive hate/fear - backed by a strong sense of entitlement to a land that we invaded, yet don't acknowledge or pay respects to its original owners to this day and still celebrate invasion day like it's something to be proud of. At least the conversation has started around that now - but it could be years before anything is done.
I miss Europe. I miss talking with strangers who know how to ask about my cultural background and history without making me feel like an alien or super-awkward. I also like not being petted on the head like a good doggo because some Aussie chick thinks I "look so cute" - I was so shocked when that happened I didn't say anything, but damn, bitch, treat me like a human being, please. I still love Australia, and I think we’re the luckiest country in the world. I just wish we’d stop promoting ourselves as a multicultural country and start to live it instead - we'd probably enjoy or at least learn a thing or two by opening our hearts and minds to people who don't live life exactly the same way we do.
- THE END -
EUROPE TRAVEL SERIES
Phamly Reunion
And that's how I became the third wheel on my own vacation.
Wait, let's start from the very beginning. Little Sissy Pham and I were planning a trip to Europe in 2011 for when the Eurovision Song Contest was in Germany. Unfortunately, Mum Pham fell ill and we postponed our trip but life happened. Jobs came and went, boyfriends came and went, then the more responsible one (not me) bought a mortgage and suddenly it was 2017 and we hadn't gotten around to our trip. So we decided this year had to be the year.
Little Sissy Pham has a new(ish) boyfriend and they're still doing the cutesy new sweethearts crap so instead of wanting to get away from him, she wanted to invite him. So that's how I became the third wheel on my own vacation crashing on couches while they slept in cosy beds. And yet, they were the ones who needed naps during the day (no gumption)! It worked out since I liked going out exploring on my own since Little Sissy Pham couldn't walk fast or far in her cankles.
5 weeks in Europe nearly killed the sloth couple. I was pretty tired by the end too, though I could have pressed ahead for another week of trekking around. By the last stop in Prague they'd given up on exploring and just went shopping, which is a shame because Prague city centre is one of the prettiest places I've ever seen. Every which way I looked it was beautiful.
There's so much to explore in Europe. Our trip took us from Paris to Barcelona to Marseille to Nice to Rome to Venice to Milan to Geneva to our hometown via Frankfurt to Berlin to Prague. We traveled mostly by train using a Eurail Pass, then roamed the streets of every city visiting as many sights and destinations as we could. It was exhausting and exhilarating.
Expect a string of Europe travel inspired blog posts to come!
- THE END -
EUROPE TRAVEL SERIES
Phamly Reunion
My car got a little smushed at a roundabout by an SUV that didn’t see me - maybe they were colourblind, my car is green. So I took the train for the couple of weeks while it was at the car doctors. What do you call those? Mechanics? I enjoyed public transport for the first few days, though I missed my morning car karaoke sessions. Then the early starts and longer, somber commutes began to wear me down. Still, it was fun to people watch on the bus and train.
I find it funny that some people who enter my life for fleeting moments on public transport, or driving through traffic will forever be remembered as the lady with the superhero run, or the suit with the epic yawn face, or the gym jock nose-picker. People in cars are my favourite though. They somehow think a clear dashboard window hides their hilarious, private antics.
My all-time favourite is a sweet moment a Dad and daughter shared. She was dancing and singing her heart out to whatever song was on the radio, and being a cheeky monkey. I still picture the glimpse into their lives when he turned to look at her at a red light as she strikes a dramatic hip hop pose, their eyes meet for a weighted moment, then they both burst out laughing like it was the best thing ever. That was real love right there.
So next time you’re walking the streets, sitting on public transport, or driving your car - remember, I could be creeping on you in my rearview mirror or through my windshield. But feel free to be yourself, and do embarrassing or sweet things like there’s no one watching.
I've lugged this pencil around with me for over a decade and I can't remember why I got it but that's not the point of this story. The point is I earned the pencil in Grade 6 back when Achievement Awards were still a thing in my life. I miss those days when people gave a damn what I did; back when we got awards for things like penmanship, helping others, learning to speak English properly (or was that ESL kids only?). These days it's rare I get any acknowledgement from anyone for anything like typing fast, being polite on the phone, or watering plants so they don't die.
I think my need to give other people positive reinforcement and show my gratitude comes from all the Achievement Awards I got as a kid. I mostly earned awards for being smart, which never really sat well with me because I knew other kids who weren't as bright and scored not so well but they worked SO much harder than I did. Why didn't they give academic rewards for effort? I'd flunk that category for sure. I was only ever proud of the Awards that acknowledged how I looked out for other kids or for overcoming my crippling shyness. These days, you can't shut me up if I have something to say and that's all thanks to my Grade 2 Achievement Award. I was super shy before then - partially because I didn't know English but also I was used to being the only Asian in an all white German class so sitting alone and not understanding what was going on was my norm.
I want to go back to the days when people gave you free stationery for slowly becoming a functioning member of society. Mainly, I just want free stationery. If I got pencils or notepads whenever I didn't overeat, or completed an exercise schedule in full, or got all my chores done; I'd be way more motivated and better at life. I also may become a hoarder considering I still have a pencil that's a couple of decades old. OR I would stop using email, text and Facebook messenger, and send people post-its and letters instead. Australia Post would get a nice little business boost and I'd become really slow at communication. Sometimes, you can't win them all.
Little Sissy Pham has a Tinder win story so I know not everyone fails this hard, but boy am I getting great at not succeeding. I was starting to think it was me and not the dating pool, but after spending a weekend on my Tinder account with a clinical psychologist friend I know it's the dating pool. She lost hope for me after only a couple days' swiping - I've been doing this for years! So many depressants and domestic violent cases got swiped left (no) by the expert. And the few she chatted to had major issues that drove us to unmatch. Only one guy got her OK - he was super genuine and down to earth.
...But as we got to chatting I learned he just got back from overseas where he'd moved to be with a now ex-girlfriend. He was unemployed, living at home, didn't have a car and lived 68km away. My ex, The Cheater, was all of those things when we met, and I have no intention of doing long distance ever again so that fizzled out. I didn't get a date from my friend's swipes, but I have recently been on 3 failed dates all by myself.
Fail #1 The suicidal ex.
The German showed potential - his texts were highly engaging and funny, he asked to meet me on the first day we matched. Spontaneous! We met up that night for a walk when he said he’d be in the area and I was going for a walk anyway. Turns out he drove half an hour to be in the area specifically to see me - impressed. We had a great time on our 2.5 hour walk chatting the whole way. So we went on a second date.
He was accomodating again when I got stuck at work and ruined our movie plans; he met me on the way home to buy me dinner instead. But something wasn’t right the moment I sat down. His energy was low, he looked exhausted and I couldn’t get the chat going. Finally, he sighed and told me he was emotionally drained because his friend, who he visited in hospital the day after our first date, is actually his ex-girlfriend and he’s her only friend in Bris. She’d set him up to go over and feed his cat while she was away, but instead of being on her way to the airport, he found her hanging herself and had to cut her down and resuscitate her, then admit her to hospital. His mood was off this night because she was being released from hospital the next day, and he was her carer. It kinda killed the mood.
I felt a little selfish for being disappointed that what should have been a fun night turned into me listening to his issues and feeling helpless. I felt for him, but he needed professional support, and I'm not qualified for anything. He said he felt better for seeing me, and getting his mind off things so at least listening helped a little. I treated him to arcade games and drinks after dinner, then never saw him again because I come with minimal baggage, and he had more than I can carry.
Fail #2 The seriously good and seriously, serious guy.
H The Happy as I call him was regrettable in a good way. I nearly didn’t meet him ‘cause he disappeared for a couple of weeks and in Tinder land that’s a lifetime so I didn’t give him my number when I deleted my account. But we rematched a couple months later, and he explained he got the flu and that's why he stopped responding.
Our date was a nice time - home-cooked dinner, pleasant intelligent chats, which lead to quite a bit of smooching, and I thought yeah, he's some one I can have fun with. Good, easygoing company. The thing was, he didn't feel the same way. He was already planning date 2 before date 1 ended, then planned date 3 before we went on date 2, which is amazing and never happens, right girls? A guy who plans ahead, thinks of cute date ideas, and isn’t afraid to say he wants to see you? Unheard of! But it made me realise he was way more into me than I was into him. And I’ve been him before this year. I didn’t want to string him along like No Fun did with me so I told him we weren't on the same page.
Ugh, I really wish I’d hit it off with H The Happy. He was soooo sweet and mindful and ideal boyfriend material…for someone who isn’t me. I need goofy, I need silly, I need humour - which is most important to me. I need to laugh at life or I will curl up in a traumatised ball and die. So if any of you ladies are seeking a good guy who wants a serious relationship, hit me up - I know a guy.
Fail #3 Ain’t nobody got time for dat. By dat, I mean me.
I probably should have realised when I unmatched The Ginger months ago when he suddenly stopped texting that he didn’t care about me or maybe dating in general. He had been on top of my to-meet list when he disappeared so I was disappointed he thought my banter not worth a reply.
When we rematched a couple of months later, he was more attentive on text so we met up. He didn't have an excuse like H the Happy who was sick. The Ginger told me he was being lazy at chatting to babes and going on dates. Again, I should have realised he didn't really care about me or dating in general.
But it wasn’t until a fateful bus ride to Byron Bay where my team got to know each other too well that I clued onto what was happening. A team mate made sure the straight girls knew to: “Never compromise yourself for boys ‘cause BOYS SSSSUUUUCCKKKK. They will try to get the most out of you for as little as possible ‘cause BOYS SSSSUUUUCCKKKK. They’re the worst. Just don’t do it. Don’t compromise. Don't - 'cause BOYS SSSSUUUUCCKKKK.” Wise, drunken, comically repeated words from a guy nearly a decade younger than me. He reminded me not to be a doormat and I bailed on minimal effort Ginger that weekend.
The screenshot above is our parting words. His roster is a cop out - he preferred to text me than see me, and y'all know how I feel about texting. I gave him two roster cycles and when he didn't make plans after he asked when I was free and I told him twice. But then ignored me when I asked when he was free, my ego had to take a hit and admit it wasn’t his roster that was the problem - I just wasn’t on his to-do list. It’s a shame, we had non-stop laughs on our first date and nerded out when we realised we were reading the same book in an old 14-book fantasy epic. Oh well, I wanted to see where it went and it ended up going nowhere like all of my Tinder dates. I'm taking a break from Brisbane boys to adventure in Europe right now. Currently in Paris, here's hoping I have a bit more luck in love from visiting the city of love...and urine-scented streets.
I've never worked in my own office without other people, unless you count that time I worked from home alone in my bedroom with only a few crows and a spider for company. All other times, I'm in low partitioned pods or big open spaces - never in small confined spaces. The social aspect is great, and I often pick up bits of knowledge that I can use in my work or to help others. But most of the time it's just noise I don't need to absorb. Open plan offices must be great for headphone sales.
In small teams of 2-8 people I used the free ear buds you get with super expensive smartphones, and that was fine. But this year my team has doubled in size and suddenly it went from sometimes not hearing people I was speaking to on the phone to me not being able to hear myself think. Using my mobile phone to make calls fixed the first issue. The second issue required big, on-ear headphones.
Considering I studied music & sound recording at university, you'd think I'd know something about headphones but I don't. I don't remember anything from university, except I met some most excellent people in my film class, and I've managed to keep in touch with one even though she lives in Kuwait these days. Yup, the HECS debt I'm still paying off was worth it.
A little browsing at electronic stores - I know shopping that's not in my pyjamas on the couch is so foreign to me these days. And then some googling brought me to House of Marley. A brand run by Bob Marley's family. They create headphones, speakers and accessories using recycled and repurposed materials. I was sold on those two facts alone.
I got myself the Positive Vibrations headphones because the name is so me, and also the colourways are super cute. Since I haven’t owned on-ear headphones since 2007, I have no idea where these sit on the sound quality scale apart from the fact they are better than the Sony headphones I had a decade ago. The sound is nice, crisp and light. I hate bass-heavy headphones like Beats since I prefer to hear my music not feel it shaking my skull open. Best of all these babies block out my teammates. Ideal!
Phamly holidays - never had one. We did little things that were big deals to a migrant Phamly raising three kids on welfare with no jobs and no car. I remember Dad Pham and Mum Pham took us to Moomba one year in Melbourne when we lived there. Well, they tried to. We took the train to the city but my parents didn’t know exactly where the festival was. They didn’t know enough English to get directions, and us kids were too young and useless to help find the way even though we did speak English. So we ended up getting lost and becoming exhausted in the city. Instead, we settled for lunch at McDonalds (also a treat!) before going home. Looking back it’s a bit sad that that’s about as close to a holiday that our Phamly got.
I’ve taken two holidays in my life. One to Japan in 2010 where my mystical friend who’d lived there planned everything, and one to Bali for a friend’s wedding in 2015 where my gays pretty much determined what we’d do. The trips were both short and sweet - about 10 days from memory. This year, I’ve booked a month long holiday to Europe in August/September with Little Sissy Pham +1, and I’m starting to realise I have no idea how to holiday.
Even though I come across zen because I don’t sweat the small stuff, it doesn’t mean I know how to relax. I’ve worked most of my life and when I was unemployed, I treated job hunting like a full-time job churning out applications, working on my folio or CV - no slacking off allowed. How will I deal with a whole month of just chilling and doing my own thing?
People always talk about loving holidays and travel, though I never quite caught the bug. But then, I change something in my life every 6-12 months, whether it’s job, home or boys - maybe that’s why I never felt the need to escape to a different country, because I’ve never been settled enough to get bored in Australia. And Mum & Dad never got us into the habit of traveling.
Guess we’ll find out what kind of traveller I am soon. Wish me luck! I have no idea what I’m doing.
In Asian culture it's pretty much mandatory that family gatherings are kicked off with the oldest generation of Asian women judging the younger generations. This is why Mum Pham used to introduce me to new friends and acquaintances as, "Ngoc (that means Jade) was the duck (she means dux) of her school. She could have done anything with her life, but she chose music and that's why her hair's like that."
A lot of the time you're judged on weight. "You're fat." "You need to tidy your waistline." "You need to diet." Which is immediately followed by massive plates of food and a stern, "Eat. Eat!" And once you're done with the first plate. "Eat more! I cooked so much food!" "You must eat dessert." "And second dessert." "And fruit."
Most of my life I've been a little or a lot overweight but the one time I lived with 9 dudes in a warehouse and never had food around the home, I was a tad underweight (this was when I had Bobble Head Syndrome). During my skinny phase, I got a, "Now that you're skinny, your nose looks too big." There's no winning with Asian elders.
At the latest big family gathering, the Aunts decided I am single because of the way I dress. It is unflattering - not demure, not elegant, not classy. This critique would be offensive if I thought I was any of those things, but I don't. I even agree with them for a change.
I dress like I let a 2 year old pick my outfit, after a unicorn ate too many rainbows and threw up on everything I own. Plus I finish off my looks with a pair of sneakers so I can stomp around like the ungraceful klutz a lifetime of not participating in sports has helped me to become. I look like a hot mess but that's ok, I would rather be myself and single than doll myself up for someone who'd date me based on my wardrobe.
I'm pretty in (unicorn) punk and I'm happy that way. If guys don't like that, then they can go and love themselves, right? Right.
Believe it or not, despite my bright and colourful wardrobe and matching demeanour, I do think unhappy thoughts sometimes. I keep the dark scary off the Interwebs because there’s enough negativity on here - am I right? Sometimes, I think the happy, positive people in the world probably also have the worst thoughts because if you have the capacity to be extreme in one way, you have it in you to be the opposite extreme too.
There is no hiding when I’ve cried. My eyelids puff up like I’ve had an allergic reaction to life (which I suppose you could say I did), and my eyes become so bloodshot and dry it looks like I haven’t slept in days. The worst cries are when I run out of tears and burst the little blood vessels around my eye socket so I also have little red veins streaking everywhere. No amount of makeup can hide all three side-effects of bawling my eyes out because it changes the physical shape of my eyes, lips and nose - everything gets puffy.
I don’t cry too often. I feel like crying all the time - say, about once every month 4-6 days before I start bleeding - PMS, guys, it’s a bitch. But I only cry every now and then if I’m feeling bummed out about something specific. The trigger can be big or small and the cries accordingly.
My last small cry was after a nice lunch at RSPCA Wacol's Black Cat Cafe when I saw a kitty kat being adopted by a young boy and his mum. I was so darn ecstatic for the cat and her new family I burst into tears on the spot.
My last big cry was after my dating fail with No Fun - it brought on years of self-doubt and feeling unwanted for most of my life. And people often point out what’s wrong with me when it comes to reasons I am single (too intelligent, too weird, etc) and I usually disagree with them (too argumentative) because it's the dating pool that's wrong (too idealistic). I let myself be overwhelmed and weeped every night for nearly two weeks. Sometimes it's good to let it go, Queen Elsa is right.
There's no shame in crying whether it's over sad things or glad things. Everyone needs to let themselves feel their feelings every once in a while. All because society undervalues emotion, does not mean it has no value to us as people. It is good to feel your feelings. It's where art and music and creativity and beauty is born. It's how we relate to one another and make connections. So, dear people, let yourself feel all the things. Don't hold back! ...Unless your feelings are impulses to hurt yourself or others - in which case, please reach out to people at organisations like headspace and beyondblue who can help you process what you're feeling.
I turned off my social media notifications a month ago, and it’s probably the only good decision I’ve made all year. Washing crystals with my klutz hands in the bathroom sink and chipping the basin - terrible idea. Spraying my herbs with a homemade mix that sunburnt all the leaves cause I did so at the wrong time of day with a too-heavy mix and breaking my sister’s spray bottle when the cayenne pepper clogged the pump - also not great ideas. Hanging out with someone I referred to as No Fun - worst idea. But reducing the number of notifications I get by turning off notifications for non-essential apps? Best idea ever.
I was forever guilty of checking notifications when they popped up on my phone, then spending the next 10-30mins scrolling through whatever app I had opened. I no longer get notifications for Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Tinder, Twitter and LinkedIn - the worst offenders on my phone. I also started scheduling social posts for my blog using Hootsuite so I don’t need to go into any apps.
I turned off email notifications except for direct, personal e-mails - G Suite / Gmail is my hero here, you can set it up to filter out all the non-essential emails like e-newsletters, order updates, social media updates etc. And work emails no longer ping my phone unless it’s from an address marked as “VIP” - as in, the boss, the CEO etc. The rest of the digital world can wait until I’m in the mood for virtual socialising. And if it can’t, the people who need to reach me have my mobile number. Yup, I’m one of those old people who still uses their phone for calls some of the time.
I still love a good scroll through social media but these days it’s at my own pace and not when someone else is interacting with me on the apps. So sorry (not sorry) if I haven’t gotten back to anyone on social media - take no notice, I am not ignoring you, I just haven’t gotten around to opening the app yet.
I went to see the live action Beauty & The Beast (2017) on the weekend because I loved the Disney animation as a kid and throughout the movie, I found my brain screaming, 'No, no, no, no, NO!' How? What? Huh? Why is one of the most intelligent and vocal feminists of the younger generation starring in a film about a young woman being held against her will and verbally abused by a beast with anger issues? I don't get it. How did this happen?
I know it's a fairy tale, and fairy tales were written in an age when women were more or less property, and I guess Belle should be grateful her father let her learn how to read and didn't force her to marry into money - but honestly, I wish Disney hadn't rehashed this old story when there are so many others to choose from. It is sending the wrong message to a new generation of princesses who deserve better than to let a man stomp all over their freedom and feelings.
I don't regret buying my Minkpink Ever After Tee Dress pictured because it's super cute. But I'm suddenly wondering if growing up with terrible fairytale stories like Beauty & The Beast is one of the reasons I was silly enough to give The Cheater and No Fun so many more chances than they deserved.
Beauty & the Beast is basically teaching little girls that if they give a narcissist with a horrible temper enough chances and enough love, that he will eventually grow a warm side to his cold personality, magically be able to fall in love, and transform into prince charming. Though, in the live action version, I much prefered the beast in beast form than prince form but that's beside the point. The point is no. No. No. N-O. No. My once and future princesses, you deserve to be in a relationship with well-rounded, decent human being. You don't need to fix a broken beast - he is not your problem. When you come across an angry beast, you move on as quick as you can.
Aside from Tetris, I am terrible at playing games whether it's arcade games at Netherworld, any console ever invented or Crossy Roads - how does my 11 year old niece beat me? How? I am equally bad at playing games in the dating world - I take people at their word because I say what I mean, I mean what I say and I expect the same in return.
I forget that society doesn't encourage most humans to function this way. I was raised by the very open-minded Dad Pham and an unconditional loving Mum Pham; both were supportive of my many baffling life decisions so I was never afraid to speak my mind or follow my head, heart and instincts. I knew my parents would have my back whether they liked it or not, so I never had to hide things, which means I never learned how to be shady. Recently, I had to check my privilege and remember that some people aren't so lucky.
I'm always shocked when a Tinder guy asks me out, then specifies that 'if things go well' he wants me to sneak into his house, be discreet, take myself out of the space-time continuum while he has his way with me, then step back into reality and sneak out under my invisibility cloak. I simply say, 'No thanks, I don't want to go anywhere I'm not welcome.' He then chucks a tanty (they all do) and tells me it's my loss. I'm guessing these guys live at home, and don't want their parents knowing they have a sex life because societal/religious hang ups, but I cannot fathom having to sneak around in another person's home because I've never had to sneak around my own home. Life is so much simpler and fun when you can be yourself.
My naive belief that everyone is being themselves is how I get fooled by boys all the time. Like this one time I dated someone else's boyfriend. Or most recently when Rogue Fun turned No Fun because he said a lot of things he didn't mean and I got hurt when they turned out to be untrue. New dating advice I've given myself: take a step back and watch what he does, not what he says. It's easy to say things, and much harder to do them.
Failing that, I will use my friends as filters. They did not approve of both The Cheater and No Fun very early on in the game. I'm going to use my friend's bullshit detectors to aid my future attempts at dating since my one keeps malfunctioning. You can't blame me though, I'm a pretty marvellous specimen so it's easy to trust a guy when he says he likes me, but I really must stop believing my own hype.
I'm going to take a little break from trying to emotionally and intellectually connect to other human beings - it's too confusing, and hurts my feelings and insults my brain when people aren't upfront. I need a moment to reset my compass before I try to navigate this maze again. Til next time, let's end on a positive note. Don't believe the hype from guys who want to encourage your crush to boost their ego, but do believe in the kind words of strangers who have nothing to gain from wishing you well:
I'mma keep my head up. Thanks Craig.
Photo: Dylan Evans Photography
I haven’t been single on Valentine’s Day the past couple years, but long distance meant I was solo anyways. This year I’m a free agent so for Single Ladies Valentine's Day I took a bunch of my single and not-as-single ladies to the show for Valentine’s Day.
I cannot recommend Single Asian Female enough - it is the best live theatre I have seen in years, possibly ever. You don't need to be single, Asian or female to relate to the characters. There is so much heart and soul and hilarity. No awkward or filler moments. Every little detail adds to the bigger picture. It had me in tears from laughing so hard, and from the heart wrenching & heart warming story.
Seeing people of my heritage and cultural background represented authentically live on stage filled a void I wasn’t aware was there. In all the plays, movies, shows, magazines I’ve seen, the South-East Asians are in Westernised settings. The best way I can think to describe what I felt watching the play is recognition and belonging. The women onstage were my mum (at one point, I accidentally cried out ‘that’s my mum!’ I was so shocked to see an EXACT moment my mother and I shared), the women were my Aunty, my cousins, my friends. So while I recommend this play to anyone and everyone, I especially recommend it to my Asian friends. It's rare and wonderful to experience something you can connect with on such a personal level.
Every now and then via my blog, I receive a message from a stranger who has been so excited that they’re not alone in thinking or feeling the same thing, that they’re moved to share their own story with me. Single Asian Female created so many moments like this for me and my girlfriends (none of them Asian except for Little Sissy Pham) - we left the theatre on a high and couldn't stop talking about all the different moments from the show we connected with. I hope Michelle Law, the playwright, is proud of her masterpiece that touches people on so many levels, and is perfectly told by a cast of brilliant actors.
The show runs until Saturday 4th March, 2017. As a birthday present to me, please treat yo'self to a night of laughs and love at Single Asian Female. If you read my blog, it means you like what single, asian women think so I promise you'll have a good time:
"Single Asian Female"
La Boite Theatre (Kelvin Grove, Brisbane)
My friend's post-marriage mantra is 'Don't Be A Doormat' because "sometimes I'm so flat you won't even notice I'm there." She shared this with me in a not-so subtle attempt to tell me that I've been letting a guy walk all over me. Rogue Fun and I were not a good fit, and at my age I should know better than to force things. I still gave him more chances than any of my supportive girlfriends would have liked (thanks for your patience, ladies, I know I was infuriating by the end). I deserve more effort than I got even if I'm "not hard work" or especially because I'm not hard work, so I had to stop being a doormat and walk away.
Rogue Fun didn't intentionally walk all over me but he took my kindness and understanding for granted. He was very emotionally low key and noncommittal - so much so he didn't appear to care I was around. I'm the complete opposite - I feel all the things and do big and small gestures to show I care about other people's happiness. I thought maybe we'd make a comedic opposites attract duo, and while there was definitely attraction, Rogue Fun became no fun because I need a little affection too. There's only so many cancellations my ego can take before I start feeling rejected. I found myself holding back and toning things down after a while, and if I can't be myself then what's the point? Oh well, we are who we are. I hope he finds someone equally low key to hang out with. And I hope I find someone who's a little excited about seeing me.
Alas, it's back to the drawing board. This sucks because last time I online dated, I had to go on soooooo many filter dates. This is what I call first dates for people you meet online 'cause really you're just meeting to filter out the ones you have zero chemistry with, which was every single one for a year and a half before I met my ex-boyfriend. This time around I was so excited that the first guy passed the chemistry test that I let myself get carried away with the crush. But reality crashed that party pretty quickly.
I am dreading the many, many dud dates I'll have to go on now to find my next connection, but you know what? I deserve the effort. If I expect guys to put in an effort for me, then I need to do the same for myself. And this time, no doormatting. Wish me luck in the dating world. If only all boys could be as sweet as the two young gentleman who offered to be my Valentine's this year, the world would be a much lovelier place.
Depending on how you measure Tinder success, I am either terrible or great at it. Either way, I was on it for a month and I'm already taking a break because I went and caught feelings (ewwwww) for someone, which is a fail, right? I was on a Tinder roll, juggling half a dozen guys with code names like Jack The Ripped for quick reference (I’m clever like that) who were all waiting to see me after the new year's holiday. I was feeling like a hot AF player when Rogue Fun came along and ruined Christmas for everyone.
Yup, after our first date Rogue Fun had me crushing so hard I couldn't go on any other dates I had planned after my holiday. I knew if I went I wouldn't bring my A-game and that’s just rude. I don’t like to waste people's time so I've postponed indefinitely while I ride out this crush.
Originally this post was going to be all about the fun of crushing on someone, but between the idea, starting a draft and tonight, I went and psyched myself out about Rogue Fun so now this post is more about how not to fudge up a new crush when you're naturally repulsed about having feelings of any kind.
Rogue Fun and I started out hot and heavy in a whirlwind of dates and nonstop texting, then due to a series of unfortunate and inconvenient events I haven’t seen him in weeks. I hit the panic button this week, jumped into self-defence mode and started my vanishing act (introverts are the best at disappearing, they call me 'the elusive Jade Pham' for good reason). Rogue Fun snapped me out of it and grounded me with his annoyingly reasonable arguments. In my defence, I wasn’t given all the facts - he had a fresh wound he forgot to mention when he bailed on me last-minute. I thought he had a choice and that his choice was not to see me.
A few lessons learned from my panic attack:
Even though I know that I'm setting myself up to be hurt whether intentionally by him or not, I just have to remind myself that I code named him 'Rogue Fun' for a reason. This crush is unpredictable, a little out of control, and a lot of fun. I just need to be brave enough to enjoy it because it's rare and lucky to feel this excited about anything or anyone in life.
Yup, after our first date Rogue Fun had me crushing so hard I couldn't go on any other dates I had planned after my holiday. I knew if I went I wouldn't bring my A-game and that’s just rude. I don’t like to waste people's time so I've postponed indefinitely while I ride out this crush.
Originally this post was going to be all about the fun of crushing on someone, but between the idea, starting a draft and tonight, I went and psyched myself out about Rogue Fun so now this post is more about how not to fudge up a new crush when you're naturally repulsed about having feelings of any kind.
Rogue Fun and I started out hot and heavy in a whirlwind of dates and nonstop texting, then due to a series of unfortunate and inconvenient events I haven’t seen him in weeks. I hit the panic button this week, jumped into self-defence mode and started my vanishing act (introverts are the best at disappearing, they call me 'the elusive Jade Pham' for good reason). Rogue Fun snapped me out of it and grounded me with his annoyingly reasonable arguments. In my defence, I wasn’t given all the facts - he had a fresh wound he forgot to mention when he bailed on me last-minute. I thought he had a choice and that his choice was not to see me.
A few lessons learned from my panic attack:
- Don’t assume someone’s motives - This I will struggle with. In my experience people say things they don’t mean all the time - I mean, hello, my formative years were heavily influenced by junkies and a paranoid delusionist. So I’m always analysing people’s actions or inaction to see what they really mean. Next time, I must remember to ask for the why.
- Ask how they’re feeling - I am not the greatest at understanding what people mean in what they say either. Being someone who has no filter in speaking my mind, I take things way too literally ALL the time and it’s put me and other people in many awkward situations. Like, when someone wishes we were snuggling and I offer to come over, then they have to reject me because they didn’t actually want to snuggle. So awkward. Maybe this lesson should be 'ask how they’re really feeling.'
- Trust - Basically it's what all of the above comes down to. You have to trust that the other person has your back otherwise, what's the point?
Even though I know that I'm setting myself up to be hurt whether intentionally by him or not, I just have to remind myself that I code named him 'Rogue Fun' for a reason. This crush is unpredictable, a little out of control, and a lot of fun. I just need to be brave enough to enjoy it because it's rare and lucky to feel this excited about anything or anyone in life.
I was listening to Pandora (and not Spotify because I’m old and Pandora were on the scene first and I’m lazy / set in my ways) when an old song I used to be obsessed with came on. If you haven’t noticed, anything can inspire a blog post in my weird brain and hearing this song was enough to trigger a whole thought chain from past me to future me.
I haven’t listened to Monica 'Don’t Take It Personal (Just One Of Dem Days' in years - over a decade, even. Not since I got through puberty and emerged a tolerable human being. This song makes so much more sense now I know what PMS is! I mean, I was a disgruntled and unhappy teen so I couldn’t differentiate between regular me and PMS me - back then I had one of dem hormonal days every day. Now I’ve developed into a decent person with passable charm (fake it til you make it, people), I know when hormones are making me unreasonable, melodramatic and a total biatch each month.
I'm mature enough now to take myself out of the equation of life so I don't take my moodiness out on others and create more bad vibes. Well, when I can - at work I just have to suck it up and my poor desk buddy doesn't know when I shut down and don't want to talk that it's not him, it's me. I guess we've worked together long enough for me to just tell him...
Dave, I PMS mid-month every month and there's one day in the lead up where I turn into an emotional wreck and want to cry for no reason; and then one day when the bleeding starts where I just want to lie down and be left alone to die a slow, impending, miserable death. I will warn you next time I'm extra hormonal since you don't read my blog.
At home, I can simply announce it to the housemate (Little Sissy Pham) and then sit in a grumpy lump on the couch or curled up in my bed. And she may or may not feed me bags of potato chips and chocolate. I do the same for her. Luckily we're not completely synched so usually on my awful or exhausted days she's OK, and on her awful or exhausted days I'm OK. Sisters don't have to do it for themselves.
PMS, girls and guys, is a bitch. Everyone experiences hormonal changes differently so sorry to say there's no simple rules to follow when navigating your way through rampaging hormones. Maybe one day we'll live in a society where we can just take a PMS day from work each month and openly tell people 'I'm bleeding and don't feel so hot' but till that day comes I'll subtly try to avoid humans and limit my anger to myself. If I ever tell you to please stop talking at me, think of this song and 'Don't take it personal.'
There was a moment this year when the CEO at work asked me to recheck some figures because something was off by one, and I replied, "I did the split and I don't really make mistakes like that." Not because I'm cocky but because I am methodical - hence, project management life. By the way, I rechecked figures and I was right because duh. I'm not really someone who makes mistakes at work... or at least, admit to them. My mistakes tend to happen in my personal life. These are my favourite mistakes of 2016:
1/ It's Not A Tumor
The worst and best moment of my year was in April 2016 when Middling Niece had an awful kidney infection and cancer scare. Friggin' doctors scared the living crap out of my Phamly when they warned us some growths visible on scans could be cancer coming back and I bawled my eyes out like I hadn't done in years. This was during a peak period at work as well, so I spent my long days consumed by deadlines, my evenings in hospital playing with my niece to break up her boredom and my nights trying not to cry more before repeating the same cycle next day. It turns out what the doctors thought could be her cancer returning was just a bizarre mucus caused by an infection so bad they hadn't seen anything like it before. My mistake was listening to the experts - Middling Niece is still in remission. That's the last time I listen to doctors!
2/ The Long Ending
I struggled for most of this year with a long distance relationship. It actually felt like work and no fun but I kept it up because I don't like admitting defeat. I'm stubborn like that. It was a big mistake not to end things sooner - we both were finding it hard to keep ourselves and each other happy. The reason it makes my favourites list is because the drawn out ending meant I didn't have the shocked heartbreak of a sudden ending, I had relief like a weight had been lifted. It changed my energy and as soon as I became single, I made some ridiculously fabulous and supportive new friends, and am still meeting interesting and fun new people.
3/ The Unsexiest Tinder Profile
My pics aren't my best but they sum me up pretty well, I think. One dude actually told me I'm cuter on my Instagram than my Tinder profile and I'm not doing myself justice. That's right, I had Tinder profiles mansplained to me. Unmatch - ain't nobody got time for dat.
I also quote my parents in my bio 'cause there is nothing sexier than making guys think about your parents while they're trying to picture you naked to decide whether you're bone-worthy.
Mum: "Ngoc (Jade) was the duck (she means dux) of her school. She could have done anything with her life but she chose music (now fashion) and that's why her hair's like that."
Dad: "Your mind is simple. That's why you're a happy person." Turns over my palm. "See? Look how clear the lines are. You don't think much."
The good part is, I think I filter out all the gross men with my super goofy profile. So far the men who don't care about me as a human being and only want vagina time have been awfully polite and considerate in their offers. While at the same time, the dudes that seem interested in who I am as a person seem genuine.
So, in conclusion, things I've learned from 2016 is never listen to experts, taking forever to end a relationship isn't a bad thing, and being unsexy in the online dating world is good for avoiding mega creeps. Here's to new and better mistakes in 2017!
We don't celebrate Xmas normally in our Phamly because Vietnamese. We usually gift the little ones because their Italian-Australian half is into Xmas and eat our usual Phamly dinner of rice paper rolls or banh xeo (Viet pancakes). This year, their Italian-Australian mother is cooking a lamb leg and all of a sudden we have to learn how to Xmas the Aussie way.
Little Sissy Pham turns to her boyfriend and says, "You're white. How do we do white Christmas?" In his family it's meat, potato and veggies. Sounds easy enough. Then yesterday, Apple made Little Sissy Pham and I a delicious pre-Xmas dinner and showed us how Xmas is done in the real world. Meat, potato bake, mango & avocado salad followed by Xmas treaty desserts. We are stealing her ideas for the Phamly's first white Christmas tonight. We do Xmas on Xmas Eve because Mum Pham and Dad Pham learned how to Christmas in Germany. It's all a mixed bag of multi-cultural references really.
Wishing everyone a nice holiday season whatever you celebrate or don't celebrate. I hope you get a break from reality to reflect on 2016 - the good and the bad, and clear the slate for whatever comes next. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to prep for my second day of eating for 10 hours straight. Love to all.
I renewed my driver's licence recently - I look same, same but different. As Dad Pham likes to remind me, it's a miracle or dumb luck that I ever got my licence because my un-coordination extends into driving. I used to be an anxious, bad driver but I've improved over the years - these days, I'm a confident, bad driver. I don't know which is worse. Kidding - I'm actually half decent at driving; it's the parking and then remembering where I parked that I remain awful at.
A lot has happened in the 5 years since I moved back to Brisbane and got a QLD licence made. I have:
- grown out my fringe
- switched jobs a lot
- failed at online dating
- a lot
- fallen in and out of love
- stopped grieving
- had my heart broken
- twice.
Since reaching my 30s, I've become a lot more zen and comfortable in my own skin. Part of it is accepting myself for who I am - a quirky, imperfect, sometimes dopey, sometimes intelligent, optimistic human being; and part of it is knowing whose opinion matters to me and not caring what the rest of the world thinks. I've also learned you can't please everyone, and if your loved ones love you back, they'll accept and support your decisions - even when you've made a terrible call. Bless the good souls in my life.
I spent too much of my 20s doing things because I felt I should be doing them, not because I wanted to. Prioritising career over family & friends - no more, partying all the time - no more, drinking socially despite my allergy - no more, eating animal despite my guilt - no more. Losing Mum Pham when I was 27 woke me up from that life path. I felt lost in space for a year or so before I found my feet again, much more grounded than before.
There's an easy freedom in being yourself. Life doesn't weigh you down with worries about what you should or shouldn't be/want/do/have. I'm hoping this newfound sense of self will help me navigate the wacky world of dating and relating to other human beings... and I don't end up dating someone else's monogamous boyfriend again.
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