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KEEP IT IN THE PHAMLY

A personal blog by Jade Pham

I don't have time to sit down and pretend like I know how to read these days. Good thing Acclaim Magazine is choc-full of pretty pictures to look at. I managed to get my mits on the new issue before it hits news agencies this week (file that under perks of the day job) and I've been "reading" all weekend.
Issue 24 has a fantasy theme. Fantasy is one of my favourite things of all time. My fantasy is a very nerdy variety, the kind you get beat up for in high school: Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time epic fantasy book series, David Eddings' Belgariad books  and Game of Thrones TV show.

Acclaim's fantasy is much cooler and futuristic, except for the Dagorhir live action role-playing feature. I'm a nerd and even I would feel the urge to beat these guys up if I came across 'em in costume wielding cushioned swords with my mad fantasy kung fu skillz. Not all the Issue 24 stories make me think violent thoughts, they also feature:
  • Artist Kilian Eng who designed the gorgeous limited edition cover pictured above. There's an even more limited run of this cover that glows in the dark and will drop in Mag Nation next week! How awesome is glow in the dark stuff?!
  • Rapper Lil B who I'm not familiar with but any hetro American rapper who calls his album I'm Gay (I'm Happy) to help make the G-word less taboo in the US is worthy of the alternative Acclaim Magazine cover
  • Nagi Noda who directed one of my favourite music video clips of all time for Japanese pop singer Yuki's Sentimental Journey. She's up there with Gondry in my books.
  • And many many more features including a dream interpretation piece with a boy I used to date, albeit briefly - see my Why I'm Always Single Lady weblog.
Acclaim is available from Mag Nation (they'll have the special glow in the dark covers), decent news agencies and boutiques with good taste. It's also available on Zinio which is a fancy digital magazine platform that you can read on the computer or on your boss' new iPad.

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This morning, I found out my oldest friend's father passed away. Karl lives in my memory as the really tall man (possibly because I was really short as a 6 year old) who took B and me for ice cream on the way home from school whenever I went over to play.

He'll also live on in my parents' memory because the one time they walked me to B's house for her birthday, I took them in the opposite direction towards the school then down to the ice cream shop before circling back to B's house 'cause Karl's route was the only one I remembered.

Thanks to Karl and his delicious ice cream treats, Mum and Dad Pham thought I was a dumbass for many years of my childhood.

Rest in peace.

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It’s been nearly three years since I’ve seen my friend who the Germans call ‘Trouser’ so when we planned a catch up dinner out then tasty teas at mine I was mightily embarrassed by the state of my bedroom and did a quick clean up.

The upside of letting your room become a disaster zone is you get to crawl into bed earlier. The downside is you can’t find anything you want the next morning while you’re rushing to get to work. Every time I clean I tell myself I’ll never let it get this messy again. Now I have found a reason to live in a pig sty.
In my pre-Trouser clean up, I came across a cougar head necklace I had completely forgotten I’d bought two months ago! Yippee! I should be concerned about my whoppingly bad memory but, um, what was I talking about? Oh, the necklace – yeah, check it out! Bought online from Dragonfly By Emma.
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Apart from my tendency to fall on my face rather than land on my feet, I am very cat-like for a human being. I communicate with telepathy then don’t understand why idiots don’t do my bidding, I sometimes head-butt people as a sign of affection but the main cat trait I have is I’m easily distracted by - ‘Ooh! Something shiny!’
When my beloved sequin shoes from Japan finally carked it I just had to get a new shiny black pair or my life would be over. Converse had a sequin range that I’d been admiring for a several months but their shoes pinch my wide feet so it was eBay to the rescue!
I found the perfect glitter meets punk shoes at iAmTrend ebay store and the great part is I don't cut my dopey hands on the sharp sequins. The glitter feels sandpapery so I like to think of it as hand exfoliation every time I clumsily rub against it. I got a pair in black, which I call my Michael Jackson shoes ‘cause they glitter like his jacket in the famous live Billy Jean performance. And a silver pair, which I call my space boots because a Tibetan man once saw me in them and said, ‘You look like you are from space.’ And I said, ‘Huh?’ and he said, ‘Your clothes – beautiful.’ And I said, ‘Thanks!’
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It’s none of my business who my housemate brings home for a one night stand, except when that one night stand walks into my room butt naked at 4.30am in the morning and thinks it’s hilarious that she interrupted my favourite kind of sleep - Friday night sleep after a week of early wake up calls - then it does become my business.
When visiting someone’s home for a sexual rendezvous, the younger generations seem to have lost all sense of modesty and respect. Maybe it’s because of all the graphic sex scenes and casual nudity on television, in movies and on the Internet. Reality is a bit different to TV so I thought I’d write a few basic guidelines for the younglings to follow:
  1. Close the front door behind you when you enter - it’s common sense
  2. Cover up when leaving your fuck buddy’s bedroom - it’s modest
  3. Learn the difference between left and right so you can find the bathroom
  4. Don’t walk into other housemates' bedrooms butt naked - it’s rude
  5. Don't walk into other housemates' bedrooms butt naked twice - it's really rude
  6. Don’t wake all the housemates up then laugh about waking them up - it’s disrespectful
  7. If you’ve failed to do all of the above it's best to sneak out unseen the next day
In retrospect, it was really our fault for not making our linearly designed house easier to navigate - the hallway does go in two directions after all (up/down). In my follow up Sharehouse Sex Etiquette (For Housemates) post, I will suggest housemates put printed photos of their heads on bedroom doors and a picture of a toilet on the toilet door to help random sex partners find their way.
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One day this little piggy went to market for cheap gift wrapping and came home with a piggy shaped pencil sharpener instead. It wasn't until this little piggy used the pencil sharpener that she got a funny feeling inside and thought, 'Is this animal cruelty?'
Normally she gets a deeply satisfying feeling from sharpening her collection of 50+ grey lead pencils to the point where they can draw blood. Once an avid pencil sharpening fanatic, Jade now waits until her pencils are desperately blunt before a sharpening, and even then she tries to make it as quick and painless as possible. The rush job means splintered wood and not the neat poke-your-eye-out sharpness that used to draw blood when people unwittingly reached into her pen tin. Note to self: must write an ode to pen tin soon.
At least the pig shaped pencil sharpener looks cute smiling up from her desk.

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I used to find fat, bald security guards with tattoos on their head intimidating until I got my own head tattoo. Now I think they’re complete wimps because head tattoos don’t hurt! Okay, so it stings a little ‘cause there’s a lot more blood gushing out but as far as needle pain? None. Nada. Zip.
Grafton Primary EP cover design

Joshua Garden from Grafton Primary designed my head tattoo. It’s two infinities that touch to form two hearts. To me the symbol means ‘infinite love’ – yup, what a tough tatt to have on your head – but I hesitated because it looks similar to 88, which equals HH, which equals Hail Hitler. Then I realised no one would be dumb enough to mistake me for a neo-Nazi skinhead so I inked my infinite love. It didn’t bring me much love when I went home to Brisbane.
Pic by some random person at a warehouse party

Mum Pham slapped my face in a rage. Later on, when she could speak again she explained it was the shaved head she hated, not the tattoo. Dad Pham loved that I was expressing myself, though later on he told me ‘infinite love’ cannot exist because the only a vacuum of nothingness can be infinite as soon as you put a quantitative element like love to it, it is no longer infinite. I said the tattoo is forever. He said, you’ll die one day and the tattoo will rot and end with your body. Thanks Dad Pham.

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