How did she know the first thing I would do with my wand is to work my magic, wave it over her head then bop her crown to cast the spell? The back story is I’ve been waiting to get revenge since she hit me on the head with a metal jug in the bathtub when we were three and four. I’ve waited almost 24 years, I can wait a while longer to thwop Little Sissy Pham on the head with an inanimate object. For now I remain the proud and nerdy owner of a wand I can't use.
2. I played piano really well once upon a time. It ended when my parents sold our piano to move interstate and I swore never to play again because as a teenage brat I didn’t understand about budgets and expenses. I’ve grown up a bit (just a bit) and plan to get a piano and finish my exams. I hesitate to make the purchase because I’ve had a lot of dumb expensive ideas before.
3. I have a 14-year-old cat named Tigger. I left her in the care of Little Sissy Pham while I was in Melbourne and Little Sissy Pham managed to make her clinically obese. Poor Tigger Pham.
4. When I was born I yawned. Then I proceeded to drink twice as much formula as any other baby. Some things never change.
5. I was the fattest, ugliest and smartest girl in my year at high school – perfect bully material except I was so strange they didn’t know where to begin so they never did.
6. My sister is my best friend and my favourite person in the whole entire universe.
7. I wear contact lenses.
8. I have three tattoos that represent who I am/who I will be, what I aim to achievein everything I do, and what I believe in.
9. I baked a cake for the first time ever last week.
10. I have a phobia of people dressed up in giant animal suits with their faces covered because part of me fears that it could really be a giant demon-animal and not a person in a suit. I don’t stand too close to the stage at a FlamingLips concert.
11. No matter how important a conversation or how hard I try to concentrate my mind always dips away for about 3-4 seconds every few minutes or so to swim in thoughts and ideas before it comes back to reality. I'm intuitive enough to guess what I've missed hearing though so no one's ever seemed to notice.
12. My Mongolian Blue Spot never faded - it's about the size of a 20c piece and looks like a triangular bruise near my tailbone.
13. I'm fascinated by family genetics. I like that I am a clone of Mum Pham down to the wonky nails on the middle finger of our right hands but if I pull my socks off I can see Dad Pham’s stumpy little toes.
14. Drinking cups of tea always soothes me. Except now I’ve moved to Brisbane where it’s stinking hot I get a little distressed and sweaty… it will take me a while to adapt to the weather. But I’m not giving up my cups of tea.
15. I am addicted to reading shop catalogues and will resort to stealing them from other houses if my street misses out.
16. The council flats where I grew up didn’t have a great reputation but the pools of blood that looked like the result of regular stabbings were really from my regularly bleeding 8-11 year-old nose.
17. I own a lot of grey lead pencils and when I'm stressed I sharpen all the blunt ones to help calm me down. Now I have the cutest pig sharpener it makes it all the merrier.
14. Drinking cups of tea always soothes me. Except now I’ve moved to Brisbane where it’s stinking hot I get a little distressed and sweaty… it will take me a while to adapt to the weather. But I’m not giving up my cups of tea.
15. I am addicted to reading shop catalogues and will resort to stealing them from other houses if my street misses out.
16. The council flats where I grew up didn’t have a great reputation but the pools of blood that looked like the result of regular stabbings were really from my regularly bleeding 8-11 year-old nose.
17. I own a lot of grey lead pencils and when I'm stressed I sharpen all the blunt ones to help calm me down. Now I have the cutest pig sharpener it makes it all the merrier.
18. The Phamlings were born in Germany and the milk formulas made us all way bigger than our teeny tiny parents and miniscule realtives.
19. 19 is my favourite number.
20. I can say ‘rail’ and I can say ‘way’ and I can slowly say ‘rail-way’ but when I’m speaking normally I can’t help saying ‘railray’.
21. Ice cream, chocolate and cake preferably all combined is my favourite treat.
22. My top lip is fatter than my bottom lip. Big Brother Pham had a good laugh at it one day when we were playing computer games together. Yes, once upon three Pham kids fit at the one PC keyboard. Before the German milk formulas kicked in and we got freakishly big.
23. I have never had a boyfriend.
24. I learned to draw as a kid by watching and drawing scenes from The Little Mermaid every day. The VHS tape was dead after all that rewinding and pausing.
25. It only occurred to me about five years ago (around the time my niece was born) that if I have children they will look Asian.
19. 19 is my favourite number.
20. I can say ‘rail’ and I can say ‘way’ and I can slowly say ‘rail-way’ but when I’m speaking normally I can’t help saying ‘railray’.
21. Ice cream, chocolate and cake preferably all combined is my favourite treat.
22. My top lip is fatter than my bottom lip. Big Brother Pham had a good laugh at it one day when we were playing computer games together. Yes, once upon three Pham kids fit at the one PC keyboard. Before the German milk formulas kicked in and we got freakishly big.
23. I have never had a boyfriend.
24. I learned to draw as a kid by watching and drawing scenes from The Little Mermaid every day. The VHS tape was dead after all that rewinding and pausing.
25. It only occurred to me about five years ago (around the time my niece was born) that if I have children they will look Asian.
Acne medication isn’t the funnest experience I’ve had in life. Especially since my acne returned a few months after the six months of torture I went through to try and clear up my skin. I normally enjoy being in the minority like being in the top 3% of IQ brain-dorks and in the 2.9% of INTJ personality types but being in the 15% of people whose skin can’t be fixed by hardcore medications is what some would call a ‘major bummer’. Majority pun intended.
One of the god-awful side effects of acne meds is the dryness. The idea is to shrivel your pores up so they don’t get clogged and pimply. This means your skin feels severely tight and dry (think Montgomery Burns) and your lips threaten to crack if not lathered in lip balm every 15-30 minutes. I’ve heard of far worse symptoms like depression and hair falling out so I tell myself I was lucky.
The meds worked permanently for about a dozen of my friends who I questioned months before I went to a dermatologist so I’d still recommend heavy acne sufferers try the meds but be aware that you may emerge from the end of it without clear skin but a new found knowledge of the best lip balms available in Australia.
Lucas Papaw Ointment
Before I went on the meds I was a papaw ointment fanatic. Once my lips dried up on the meds I quickly realised papaw is only good for keeping moisture already in my lips, not adding it.
Blistex
I tried five different Blistex products - Complete Moisture, Ultra Protection, Lip Ointment, Lip Infusion and Strawberry Lip Balm. While they all relieved my lips somewhat on application they felt dry again soon after making me touch up every 15mins or so. Excessive? Wait til you’re on these meds then you’ll understand.
Nivea Lip Care
My friend got me a tube of Nivea because she saw how much pain I was in after I forgot my Blistex tube for a half hour grocery run. Nivea had the longest staying power (didn’t rub off or blow off in the wind on the walk to work) and I only needed to touch up every 30-45mins. I drink a lot of water and tea during the day so if you’re not constantly drinking you’d probably only need to touch up every hour or possibly more.
Vaseline
I will never fully understand Tyra Banks’ reaction to Vaseline in this YouTube clip but I am a little less inclined to think the woman’s completely mad. Vaseline was the sweetest relief to my dry lips. The only problem is it rubs off too quickly so towards the end of my med course I’d apply Vaseline every morning after waking up with crusty lips then once they were soft again I’d load up the staying power of Nivea for the commute to work then keep doing a combo of both Vaseline for softness and Nivea for keeping in the moisture throughout the day.
Since going off the meds I’ve tried the new Maybelline Baby Lips and it seems to both soften and keep moisture in – if only they’d released this baby while I was on my meds! I’d probably still use Vaseline in the mornings but Baby Lips feels like it could take care of the rest during the day.
One of the god-awful side effects of acne meds is the dryness. The idea is to shrivel your pores up so they don’t get clogged and pimply. This means your skin feels severely tight and dry (think Montgomery Burns) and your lips threaten to crack if not lathered in lip balm every 15-30 minutes. I’ve heard of far worse symptoms like depression and hair falling out so I tell myself I was lucky.
The meds worked permanently for about a dozen of my friends who I questioned months before I went to a dermatologist so I’d still recommend heavy acne sufferers try the meds but be aware that you may emerge from the end of it without clear skin but a new found knowledge of the best lip balms available in Australia.
Before I went on the meds I was a papaw ointment fanatic. Once my lips dried up on the meds I quickly realised papaw is only good for keeping moisture already in my lips, not adding it.
Blistex
I tried five different Blistex products - Complete Moisture, Ultra Protection, Lip Ointment, Lip Infusion and Strawberry Lip Balm. While they all relieved my lips somewhat on application they felt dry again soon after making me touch up every 15mins or so. Excessive? Wait til you’re on these meds then you’ll understand.
Nivea Lip Care
My friend got me a tube of Nivea because she saw how much pain I was in after I forgot my Blistex tube for a half hour grocery run. Nivea had the longest staying power (didn’t rub off or blow off in the wind on the walk to work) and I only needed to touch up every 30-45mins. I drink a lot of water and tea during the day so if you’re not constantly drinking you’d probably only need to touch up every hour or possibly more.
I will never fully understand Tyra Banks’ reaction to Vaseline in this YouTube clip but I am a little less inclined to think the woman’s completely mad. Vaseline was the sweetest relief to my dry lips. The only problem is it rubs off too quickly so towards the end of my med course I’d apply Vaseline every morning after waking up with crusty lips then once they were soft again I’d load up the staying power of Nivea for the commute to work then keep doing a combo of both Vaseline for softness and Nivea for keeping in the moisture throughout the day.
I have inherited many quirky qualities from Mum Pham. One of my favourite is her fondness of knives. My collection grew over five years down south – every year I’d come back for a visit and take another knife or two with me. It got to a point where I could spend an hour on the weekend sharpening and fondling them. Not creepy at all.
I’ve given away all the knives I had in Melbourne to my more kitchenable friends. Mum Pham would kill me if I gave her good knives to inept cooks but she can rest in peace knowing that my dear friends are all living in danger of accidentally hacking their fingers off with her blades.
Only half joking. Unless they're half a buffoon, they're much more likely to hurt themselves with a blunt blade than with a good blade that cuts true. I often crap on about it to no one who will listen that a blunt knife is not worth cooking with just as a kitchen with less than three peelers is not worth cooking in (the peelers is a blog post for another day).
Mum Pham favoured German brands because all her best blades, to this day, were the ones she brought over from Germany before importing/exporting was all the rage. We once bought Mum Pham a 20cm Wusthof Cook's Knife and she almost stabbed us it was so pricey but she settled for smacking us with the flat of the blade because she secretly loved it and wouldn't want to blunt the edges on our stubborn bones.
Tigger Pham came into our lives in a sports bag with her sister Cuddles. She was scrawny, blue-eyed, bulgy-eyed, had weird white moustache-like fur on her mouth, a stumpy tail, short legs and was pretty ugly by most kitten standards. It was love at first sight. Her sister on the other hand was perfectly symmetrical with grey and white fur like a wolf; and long, sleek elegant limbs and lines. Cuddles was built for grace, Tigger was built for dopey.
I let Little Sissy Pham pick which of the two kitty kats she'd like knowing that she'd pick the excitable, playful and standard cuteness of Cuddles. That meant I would get the understated fur ball who sat in a lump and refused to play. When Big Brother Pham tickled Tigger’s tiny hind-paw to get a reaction she shuffled her tiny tush sideways and didn’t bother to look at him. In that one moment I knew the little snob and I were kindred spirits.
Whenever asked if I’m a cat or dog person I immediately say ‘Cat!’ but to be honest, Tigger Pham is the best of both worlds – she’s a dog-cat. Her cat-likenesses are: landing on her feet, eating demurely, hassle-free bathing and toilet etiquette and a fondness for changing favourite napping spots. Her dog traits are: she comes running out meowing to greet you when you get home, comes for walks with Dad Pham and me (only at night and pre-dawn, mind you, she gets picked on by magpies during the day), she follows you from room to room for the company and her clumsiness (the only cat more dog-like in agility is Captain Catman).
Tigger Pham stayed in Brisbane when I moved down to Melbourne five years ago and Little Sissy Pham managed to make her clinically obese in a few short years by feeding Tigger her favourite fatty feasts morning and night until her fur started to fall off and she looked like a blimpish wobbly wombat. It was lucky Tigger injured her tail somehow one day and needed to go to the doctor who told Little Sissy Pham that Tigger’s tail would heal itself but her morbid obesity was another story. It was time for a strict diet!
Tigger Pham grew in other ways while I was away too – she learned how to use computers and made a FaceBook page to keep me updated on her activities and weight loss. She also learned how to use Skype though she always stood uncomfortably close to the camera. What a clever baby!
Harvest Festival’s The Gathering was a perfect end to my five years as a Melbourne resident. It was the first event in the festival’s debut East Coast tour so no one really knew what to expect. All I knew is that TV On The Radio (favourite band on the planet) and The Flaming Lips (one of my favourite live bands ever) were playing so when Misty (one of my favourite humans in the universe) told me to come to Harvest before I left, I yelled ‘OK!’ at the computer (she said it in an email) and bought a ticket.
Through friends of friends who are now real (as in Facebook) friends we ended up traveling to the festival on a double decker party bus. Everyone kept calling it the ‘party bus’ and I assumed it was because we’re fun party people but I was wrong. The bus was decked out with karaoke machines and TV screens, disco lights and smoke machine. At 10.30am in the morning, we were probably the dumbest and most interesting thing half the farmers out Werribee way had seen all year.
As we rolled by fields and tractors and random double story houses, the bus was filled with the smell of manure one passenger said it best when she wrinkled up her nose and asked, “Where the f*ck is Werribee?” The Melbourne leg of Harvest was held at Werribee Park Mansion, about an hour South-West out of town. I’d never been there but I knew Elton John once played there so it has instant music cred in my books.
pic of Werribee Mansion
Harvest’s The Gathering ended up being one of the nicest one-day festivals I’ve been to in years. The lineup was a good mix of chill out and rock out bands spread across three stages so while there’s been a lot of online complaints about the queues for drink coupons, drinks and toilets it didn’t have too great an effect on my day because I was happy to stand in a queue while the chill out acts were on.
Festival highlights in chronological order are: The Bedroom Philosopher – his hipster remix of Northcote (So Hung Over) based on his YouTube video comments is yet another reason to love the Internet and his spoof of The Flaming Lips ‘Do You Realise?’ had me laughing so hard and checking my fly was done up.
The Walkmen was my first experience of the massive drink lines – by the time my friends got back with booze they’d missed most of the band’s set and it was time to regroup with the troops at The Great Lawn stage for TV On The Radio.
TV On The Radio - Will Do video
Bright Eyes was a sit down affair for me after the workout I’d had with TVotR. I was tempted to get a slurpy but everyone had the same idea so the queue went for more miles than I was willing to wait out. Instead I opted to watch the alluring Conor Oberst from the safety of a big shady tree.
UK's Death In Vegas were next on my must-see list. It’s awesome when a band you haven’t seen live before and you don’t know much of their discography still manages to blow you away. Their electro pulsed rock had me dancing nonstop from start to finish and their music is on my ever growing to-buy list when I find my future job.
The National was the soundtrack to my turn in the booze queue. It’s the good thing about going with a group of friends, I got to see The Walkmen while my buds got to see The National. I was literally in line for their entire set and walked out with beers in hand just in time to see them walk off stage. In my hyped up state I wasn’t in the mood for melancholic rock or the broodiness of Portishead. I know, I know – I should be digging their amazing powers of minimalism but you don’t understand. This was my last night in Melbourne and I want to jump and dance and partay. Portishead is a band you watch in silent awe and smiling seems somehow highly inappropriate.
pic by Elaine Reyes
Fortunately my friends all wanted to party too so we left Portishead early to secure a decent spot for The Flaming Lips at The Windmill Stage. I’d seen The Flaming Lips once before at Festival Hall and it left me with sore cheeks from excessive smiling. This is what I was in the mood for. Lots of lights and confetti and streamers and giant balloons and happy faces and dancing and arms waving in the air and sweet simple songs that make you want to hug everyone. The Flaming Lips make people so happy! It’s how I want to remember my friends and life in Melbourne. Happy people doing happy things and being happy. It made flying out the next day hurt a lot less.
Thanks Harvest Festival for such an awesome day. Can we do it all again next year? Love!