Walk It Off

November 04, 2016


I've gotten uncomfortably plump the past 2 years. I'd like to blame it on my 30s but really I've been letting my inner slob become my outer slob due to pure, unadulterated laziness. And now I have to do something about it.

Some people like to shake things off but, for the supremely uncoordinated like myself, shaking and generally moving is a dangerous business. I prefer my exercise to be minimal or, ideally, zero impact. I mean, I don't get to climb ladders at work unless it's the last resort. It could be because I wear short skirts and the boss is saving me from flashing the team while saving the team from the trauma of seeing my daggy dacks - but really I don't climb ladders because I fall over walking.

I've been walking every morning for about 2 months now. I've tripped over myself a few times - which is why I stopped jaywalking and started using the crossing at a massive intersection near my house. I nearly fell in front of a moving car one morning (sorry old man in navy sedan - didn't mean to scare you like that). The great news is, I haven't died AND my clothes are fitting better AND I have more energy.

I've actually gotten to a point where if I don't take myself for a walk in the morning (or swim or shoot hoops), I get restless during the day and have to spend the evening jumping around the house and doing weights. I'm sure Little Sissy Pham wishes I put my excess energy into cleaning the house - but cleaning is too stationary.

Walking is a good stress reliever too - unless you're like me and listen to true crime podcasts while you walk and become convinced that every early morning dog walker is a serial killer in disguise using adorably cute puppies to distract and disarm would-be victims. So, no, I don't stoop down to pet any dogs on my walks because that's how you get hit in the back of the head with a hammer then stabbed and bleed to death, and become a story they tell on podcasts to make everyone extraordinarily paranoid.

OK. I best be off - got an early morning walking date with a pal. You should join us, and walk it off - it's good for you.

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