OPH: Farewell prank

by - November 04, 2019

We farewelled one of the greatest human beings at work. Tuna Breath as I lovingly dubbed him was CEO when hired me. He later moved sideways to a CFO role and eventually transitioned into retirement on Halloween this year. I admire the man for his strong leadership, cultured world view and super cheeky humour, but most of all I admire him for his kindness. That’s why I set out to prank him one final time on his last day - you gotta show people you care by thinking up ways to delight and embarrass them.

Tuna Breath knew something was coming because he knows me too well by now, but he didn’t know what I'd do. I made a joke that we’d all dress up as him for Halloween to divert his attention but it backfired because CEO did indeed get the team to dress up as him. It worked out perfectly because my own idea was to get giant masks of his face for everyone.

On his last day, we all sported coffee stained tops because after 5 decades of liquid consumption Tuna Breath still hasn't quite mastered the coffee cup. I found a printer who does custom cutout cardboard masks and ordered 100 copies of his face. They made a great team photo, but also his will float around the office for a very long time and remind us of Tuna Breath's parting words: "You don't have to be assholes to be successful."

He's right. You just gotta be sneaky, cheeky and constantly vigilant to successfully prank someone on their last day in the office. My farewell wasn't all jokes though. I snuck a sincere good bye for now card into his pile of gifts from the company; I had to make him cry on his last day because you know how much I love Other People’s Happiness. He read it that night at home and was a blubbering mess so has sworn to write me a letter. Considering his retaliation when I pranked him with tuna for one birthday, I’m going to assume it will be a revenge letter that aims to make me cry.

Here’s what I wrote to him:

[Tuna Breath], you glorious bastard!

Thanks for hiring me after the easiest job interview of my life. If you don't recall, you talked at me for an hour - [G] & [J] couldn't get a word in. You must have liked the way I listen because I got a contract. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have such a fun and wonderful place to work. And I wouldn't have met [Boyfriend], the love of my life (we're not getting married but we're for good).

There are hundreds of stories like mine throughout Universal Store history. Stories of how you've touched so many lives and given people good opportunities and great experiences.

Thanks also to [wife] for loaning you to us for so long; it's time we give you back. It's been an honour to work with you, [Tuna Breath]. And oh so fun to troll you too. I'll miss you muchly. Happy retirement!


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