KEEP IT IN THE PHAMLY

I woke up to this message one morning and thought, yup, I'm never going to meet anyone I want to keep on a dating site. As part of my New Years Resolution to try new things in 2013 that saw me go on a blind date for the first time, take on a big event on my own and start learning ballet; I've been online dating too. Well, dating. Period. I've never actively dated before. In the past, I've only been on accidental first dates because when guys ask me to 'hang out' my brain pictures Care Bears hugging in rainbow land and their cartoon voices squeaking, 'Be my friend!' Yup, I've had some pretty awkward first kisses.

I always thought dating was a waste of time and it is but it's a fun, interesting - and I won't lie, occasionally scary - but mostly amusing way to watch the world go round. Who am I going to hang out with in Brisbane when 95% of my friends live elsewhere? Complete strangers, that's who. At first I was in it to find people I relate to and was thoroughly disappointed but now I'm in it for the entertainment value and for the socially bored it's like a fun computer game where you might end up meeting your opponent in person.

I've tried three of the mainstream sites and apps. Here are my thoughts on each:

eHarmony is for people who are after serious relationships. And also scientists... though eHarmony may have profiled me as someone who only likes engineers and architects and only sent me those matches. But I only have my personal experience to go on so to me eHarmony is for long-term relationship seeking nerds. I wouldn't recommend it unless you're looking to meet someone and marry within a year. The few guys I met in person were waaaayyyy too serious for man-resistant (repellant?) me. The site is too pricey for what you don't get - you can't browse other members' profiles, you can only contact people who are matched to you based on personality test results calculated by eHarmony. I may be an INTJ type but I prefer my pals spontaneous and loud. eHarmony says it's science but I think dating chemistry is a whole different field. No dice.

OKcupid. I went on this because it's free and after eHarmony I decided paying to meet people I don't like isn't a great investment. Wow, I've been approached by some real crazies on here. The dude who invited me to Hawaii as his intro, the many men who want affairs for various reasons, the ones with very detailed sexual fantasies and the addicts who like to overshare - I've had my fair share of supporting mentally ill and addictive people already, thanks but I'll pass. I did meet a couple of nice guys on here and we're friends now but the majority I found to be either too intense, too creepy or too sincere. You'd think the last would be a good trait but, no, I don't like to read the life story of a stranger who says they'd like to get to know me better when really it reads like they want me to get to know them better. People sure are wordy on okcupid, which is why I tried out the shallowest one of them all.

Tinder. It's a phone app only that is linked to your Facebook so chances are you'll come across real people with real profiles and real lives outside of Tinder and Facebook. The best part is only people you 'like' the look of and who like you back can message you. This means I don't get essays from people I'm not interested in. It also means a lot of requests for sex from guys who think 'you're cute' = 'fuck me now' but those are fun to read when they're not too gross. Sorry, man, who imagines ways he'd enjoy my butthole. Block. I love Tinder. Because it's a phone app it's like texting - just short, quick banter. Some people go on Tinder for eye candy and to message strangers for a while but I actually meet up with the ones I think will be a bit of fun. So far I've met one harmless weirdo, one nice guy and one total fox. Tinder is by far my favourite.

The greatest part about virtual dating is the block feature. I feel rude knocking back guys who approach me in real life because that takes balls, but when they're playing on a phone or computer, it's all just a game.

I always thought wisdom teeth made you wiser but then Google told me that only Google can make me wiser so I had my wisdom teeth pulled. Not really. The real story goes, my Melbourne dentist was keeping an eye on my wise ways and when I moved to Brisbane, somewhere between dentists, my status was upgraded to, "Oh... I think you should see a specialist. Soonish." To "can you do surgery next week?" to SpongeBob SquareFace.

I don't remember much from the experience on account of they put me under for two tricksome teeth of the four removed. An impacted molar and random secondary premolar stuck in the middle of my face that never bothered to show. When I woke up, I had some nice broken blood vessels on my left eye, nose bleed, nausea and I dry-retched like a pro (nothing came up). The nice nurses told me not to worry, there's always one troublemaker. Everyone else in recovery cruised back into soberdom. Dang.

Dr. Matthew Hawthorne, who I highly recommend as a specialist - so knowledgeable, friendly and skilled - came to tell me how the procedure went but in my daze I didn't listen hard enough. All I could think was, 'Does he pat all his patients on the head like that or do I remind him of his daughters? Does he even have daughters? Maybe he's patting me like he would his dog.' By the time that train of thought ended, the doc had left my bedside to visit my neighbour but I vaguely recalled something about us being vindicated and making the right decision to remove all teeth because the jerk molar and premolar had done damage to my healthy teeth. Also, they proved trickier than anticipated so it had taken him longer to get them out.

That last part was a warning I didn't yet understand that the left side of my face was about to balloon to triple the size of my swollen right side. He'd numbed it up so much I didn't feel it for a good 20 hours but when it kicked - oh my gah! did it hurt. And 5 days later it's still a pain. The swelling's starting to go down so I can finally see my stitches and the slice is 2-3 times larger than the slice on my right cheek. Oh, stubborn molar, I can't stay mad at you - you're just bullheaded like your mum.

I've been taking panadeine forte which I now regret. Well, I'm glad I took it the first two days but wish I'd dropped back to panamax for the last couple because when I got out of bed for work this morning I felt dizzy, wanted to sick up and flopped back down with a horrible headache. Ween yourself off the painkillers a couple days before you hope to have brain function.

While I'm giving out advice: People, if you have the option and the means, get those wisdom teeth out early. Don't wait for them to grow into nasty, little buggers like mine. My right side, and top left, which were perfectly fine (by that I mean growing outwards into my cheeks) never really hurt that much after surgery. Right now, I can prod my right cheek quite firmly before it hurts, but my left side with the impacted molar would like me to eff the eff off and leave it the eff alone for another effing week. Maybe two.

I started ballet in August this year. No, I'd never danced before in my life and, yes, I am absolutely terrible at it. But that won't stop me from doing my first ever dance recital in December. I don't recommend anyone come to see me dance, but I do highly, astronomically recommend you see Les Twins on their dance workshop tour around Australia this week. Visit maspresents.com for tickets and venue details. Tour dates below:


For uncoordinated noobs like myself, you can just go, watch and wish you had inherited Dad's black belt discipline and not Mum's oopsy-daisy gene. I cannot wait to see them this Sunday in Brisbane at the Sandgate Town Hall. Squeal! And then this always single lady and my not as single Little Sissy are going to see them perform with Beyonce the following night at Brisbane Entertainment Centre. All types of squeal!!

I've never wondered why DJs have silly pun names. Then Han Cholo jewellery landed at work and in the fleeting moment I thought about it, I came the conclusion that the effort to find out why probably wasn't worth the result. So, suffice to say I still don't know why DJs have pun names but I've decided that DJs should leave the punning to editors and people who are good at dad jokes. Han Cholo jewellery is awesome despite the name. Even Hans Solo would approve some of the designs like the All Seeing Eye UFO Pendant Chain I bought.


For someone so into shiny things I am not that into bling. Mostly because I get it caught everywhere and always end up ripping out bits of hair or breaking the chains and never get around to replacing them. But I could not resist this gorgeous UFO meets third eye meets galaxy necklace from Men In Black 1 chain. So far I've only accidentally punched myself in the chest with it when it swung against my desk and rebounded hard right between the boobs. Ow. Jade 0: Han Cholo 1.

Hello my poor, neglected blog. I've been a little busy with work lately, which is what happens when you have an already full workload then volunteer to organise the first major store opening in Culture Kings history. This is like that time I thought I could make a 40 minute DVD around my final semester of studies and ended up on a vending machine diet and zero sleep to meet deadline. Except this time I remembered to schedule sleep hours and ate copious amounts of pizza instead because, you know, progress.

I've thrown work and fun events before but this one was particularly important to me. I didn't figure out why until last week when the whirlwind ended. This is the first event I've managed since organising Mum Pham's funeral and if y'all hadn't heard that burnt me out something major. Culture Kings Melbourne Launch Party is the first time I've pushed myself hard since then and, you guys, I kinda killed it.

Mum Pham would have been proud. She'd have hated my hair and head tattoo and strange eye make-up and men putting their arm around her daughter for photos and the loud music and the Culture Kings Beer and endless supply of Moet and maybe even the champagne tower despite its pretty and definitely a no-no to the casual attire on the red carpet and caps worn inside and the catering not being Asian cuisine. But, all the same, she would have been proud to know I did my best to make many people happy memories. Look what a bit of sleep and a lot of pizza can do:

Okay, I cave. Carmex is the mother of all Lip Balms. Even though I love my Maybelline Baby Lips for the added colour to my 'pale ghost face' as mother liked to call it, I use Carmex all day every day now that Oratane has killed my will to produce natural oil.

I've only tried the click sticks so far because I don't like greasing my fingers with pot lip balms but it is amazing and I recommend the whole range. It's a no frills lip balm with pure moisturising and not overly scented or coloured like my fave teeny-bopping lip balms.

As Dad likes to say, "YOU DO!"

Almost every week we have a Phamly Pheast where those of us who cook and all of us who eat come together and indulge our inner pigs. We tried to control ourselves at our once in a lifetime dining experience at Fat Noodle in Brisbane that Little Sissy Pham won in a competition. We failed.

How can you control yourself when Luke Nguyen himself plans a 10 Course Off-Menu Meal for your family? You can't. This blog post is essentially food porn. I contained myself long enough to take snaps before we devoured each dish in Pham style, which is to say we stuffed our faces - only stopping long enough to take quick breaths so we don't pass out.

Little Sissy Pham finally flew the coup. She moved out with The Bloody Vegan (her boyfriend who I lovingly call that every time I remember I have to cook a separate dish for him) last weekend. We sent her off with Mum's sharpest knife because we pray she'll learn to cook more than two minute noodles, though we don't think our prayers will be answered for a while.

Dad Pham has been very sad without her around. He can't remember the last time he was this sad. He was relieved for Mum Pham when she passed away and he was completely fine when I moved to Melbourne, but for some reason Little Sissy Pham moving to the other side of Brisbane really got him down. I should be totally offended but I'm busy discovering the great things about not having Little Sissy Pham around. This is what I've noticed so far:

1. Luigi gets to sleep in the car port.

2. My products fit in the bathroom cabinet instead of the nook in my wardrobe.

3. I no longer speak English at home so my Vietnamese might improve (even the optimist in me highly doubts this).

4. No fighting to do laundry.

5. I get my cat all to myself.

6. When I open the pantry all my food is still there!

7. I can set up an exercise/dance space.

8.  I don't have to make bulk lunches for work anymore!!

9. I can shower whenever for however long I want in the mornings or evenings.

10. I finally, finally get to buy my favourite toilet paper: Kleenex Cottonelle - oh how I have missed your sweet caress. Evil sis made me get Sorbent for her sensitive bee-hind. No more! It's fluffy ribbed Cottonelle in this house from now on!

Did I mention when I open my pantry all my food is still there? Woohoo!

I've had 5 people in the past fortnight want to switch up their phones but scared to lose their contacts. How can this happen in this day and age? By that I mean the Google age. I've had my contacts synced to Gmail/Google Apps since I made the switch from dumbphones to smartphones. I like to plan ahead so I can slut around between handsets and networks without a care.

I can't be without my hand sanitiser… is not something I ever thought I'd say. Who knew the girl who had dirt throwing fights, ate off the floor and rarely bathed as a kid would grow up to list hand sanitiser as an essential?

It all started last year when I worked in a big office with hundreds of other people for the first time. I finally had a real-life reason to say, 'We're not in Kansas anymore, Toto.' Nobody heard me but one of the office guys noticed my face and asked if I was okay. No, I wasn't. I was distressed at working in a massive Matrix-like office and was praying in my head that a detached voice on a mobile phone would tell me to climb out the window and escape. But, no, I was now one of the worker ants.

Commuting on a train with hundreds of other humans then being shoved in office with hundreds more made me instantly ill. I'd come from working in large spaces with few people to large spaces with too many people. Little Sissy Pham who's learned the ways of modern office life made me get hand sanitiser - she prefers Purell hand sanitiser because it absorbs better but I got Dettol because it was in a rack by the check-out in Big W. Public transport, shared toilets, elevator buttons, ATM buttons, escalators arms... if you touch it too, sanitise! Sanitise! At least, until your immune system toughens up a bit. I'm back to a larger space with fewer people so I don't need to sanitise 100 times a day but I still carry a bottle with me, just in case. It came in handy the other week when my pal needed to do a stealth bush-wee.

I learned to touch type on a typewriter. It means I'm old but not as old as you're thinking. There were computers around but being a poor Phamly we didn't get a computer until Big Brother Pham turned 15 and got a job.

Big Brother bought our first think-box but Dad Pham bought my first typewriter. He found it at a garage sale because he was always buying things from garage sales whether we used them or not. Nobody asked for or needed a typewriter but that's never stopped him. His latest buy is an electric drill that he has no use for but still loves.

I was drawn to the typewriter. As soon as I saw it, I knew it was going to be mine. Little me used to write stories all the time and this was a shiny, new way to present my words. I didn't touch type at first because I didn't know there was such a thing. But one of my many IT cousins (why do I have so many cousins in IT?) saw me sitting at the typewriter with my two index and middle fingers and showed me how to be a lady. Okay, nobody ever showed me how to be a lady - Mum gave up before she started; I remember the exact moment her hopes died when I came home after a day well spent sliding down a dirt hill on my arse in a brand new polka dot skirt. Anyhoo, I picked up touch typing fast.


The only problem with learning on a typewriter is that to this day I still punch my keyboards with the vigour I needed to impress ink. Sometimes it sounds like I'm trying to murder my keyboard. This rad moo cow patterned keyboard cover softens the blow. It has put my touch typing to the test because while it looks super awesome, some of the keys are hard to read with red on black print. I had to memorise a couple of function buttons at the top but otherwise, I've still got it. Weehee!

I bought this from my good friend, eBay.

Sometimes I do random stuff like make potato chip trees, become a vegetarian after talking with a mosquito, write a letter to a cat pretending to be a cat... the list goes on. But there is one thing that you can always rely on me to do and that is SHINY THINGS.

People at work have already figured out that anything bright, multi-colour, highly flammable or reflective that comes through our office will make my beady little Asian eyes light up. When the Supra x A-morir appeared, I fell in shoe-love but almost didn't get them just to spite the guys for predicting that I'd get them... but who was I kidding? These shoes are so me!


I mean, just look at the crazy cats at A-morir. I imagine if I had adoptive parents, these two would be them. They've applied double-sided sequin to the Supra WMNS Skytop so I can choose to flip 'em on the black for darker days or flip 'em back for more gold on brighter days. My fave part is the little peep hole at the back of the ankle.

You can get 'em from my work www.culturekings.com.au and before you weird purists get on my back for promoting work stuff, I bought these shoes because I love them and recommend them!

I was expecting goodness from curator Shaun Hossack and his crew of creative misfits and innovators but New Hunting Ground blew me away. It was surreal to see a space I once threw paint at the walls in for fun transformed into a proper art gallery with gorgeous white walls, feature lighting and, of course, stunning art pieces from around the world.

Watch this awesome video of the opening night by EdInFocus. Over 500 people made their way through to enjoy the art. Some of my favourite people were Shaun's parents and sister. Turns out I love all the Hossacks!

The guys at work think I'm nice because every now and then I'll put on my chocolate fairy wings and sprinkle them with a bit of sugar as an afternoon pick-me-up. They don't understand what's really going on. I give out chocolate so I don't feel so bad about eating the deliciousness all the time.   If everyone's eating chocolate, I can totally eat it too! Them's the rules.

If you hoard chocolate like I do when it goes on sale then occasionally have to binge it before it expires, then you can guilt share chocolate at work too! $2 for a pack of 12-16 fun size chocolate that cheers everyone up? Seems like a good investment to me! Of course, every office will have a couple of weirdos who don't eat chocolate so every now and then a potato chip tree is needed for those special, broken few.

Nothing says "take me seriously" like a kiddy sized yellow lego brick backpack. This was a birthday gift from The Phamly because I needed a bag for work. Clearly, they respect my profession even though they don't actually know what I do. To be fair, I don't think anyone knows what I do. Today I was introduced as "Jade...she does a lot." Well, this do-a-lotter goes to work in sneakers, shiny street wear and most days with unbrushed hair so The Phamly got me a work bag to match.

The Lego backpack has one main compartment that can fit a stack of about 10 x A4 notepads and is a rectangular lego brick shape. The six lego connectors on the front are individually zipped pockets. I keep USBs, hair ties & pins, lens cleaners, girl things, mixed nuts and lip balm in mine. There's a nifty drink bottle holder on the left. This backpack goes with my Lego Stationery Kit. Yep, people take me very seriously around the office.

One of the longest relationships I've had in my life is with my mobile phone number. It was my first and still my only. I recently broke up with Telstra after a $69/month two year contract, which I bought just before I moved home and D'oh! You don't need to call your Phamly much when you live with them. There's this thing called Phamly dinner where people talk to each other FACE-TO-FACE.

This is a story about a potato chip tree I made for a guy at work who I'll call Broke Back Boy because he hurt his back. Don't worry, Broke Back Boy's okay. This story is a happy one because he recovers quickly AND he gets a potato chip tree!

The Potato Chip Tree got me great compliments like, 'You're weird.' from the recipient and 'So random' by some one else. Even I think it's a bit ridiculous. I don't know how my brain leapt to a chip tree but I started at - oh no, he's hurt. Then, I should do something nice. Food obviously. Followed by, the freak doesn't eat chocolate. Opposite of chocolate? Potato chips. That's boring. [i don't understand this leap to] Potato Chip Tree!

Initially I was going to stick them on a weighted bottle (probably coke) but at the supermarket I discovered multi-pack chips come in boxes now. I don't eat small [read: recommended] servings - Little Sissy Pham and I can hoover a 175g party pack in one sitting... each. So I bought a Red Rock Deli multi-pack because the box assured me it had 'adult servings' inside and I'm always telling myself I should be more grown up.

The Potato Chip Tree is the chip packs stuck on the outside of their box, which I cut into the shape of an Xmas tree, stapled branches together to centre the weight then added a rolled up bit of box cut-offs in the base to make the tree trunk stronger. All the bags are held on by sticky tape and I made a complete mess of it taping bags to bags and branches and other bags... good luck plucking the chip packs off, Broke Back Boy. Get well soon!

It's official. I'm going back on Oratane. I took the acne medication in 2010/11 for six months and it cleared up my skin but two months after the treatment my skin started breaking out again. My Melbourne dermatologist said to come back if this happened but then life happened and I moved back to Brisbane. I managed my skin for the past year on Proactiv and it was pretty good but it stopped working after a while. I gave Skin Clarity a go and that made it worse so I finally made the dreaded decision to go back on Oratane.

This is the welcome pack my dermatologist put together for me. I threw in the three supermarket lip balms, he didn't suggest those brands but Maybelline Baby Lips is seriously the best softening lip balm I've ever used that has staying power (sorry vaseline, most points for softness, zilch for staying power under Oratane strain) and I have a few Nivea lip balms still lying around... I'll need about 50 more Baby Lips before my course of meds ends. No exaggeration - the doc wants me on Oratane at varying levels over the next three years. Ouch. Guess it's good I had such a bad experience with alcohol lately, I won't miss drinking for a while. I forgot to throw a jar of vaseline in the pic - vaseline was my saving grace applied before bed and first thing when I woke up last time round.

On a scale of 1 to 10 for horrible if 1 is drinking unflavoured cough syrup and 10 is chemo, I'd say Oratane is round about a 2.5. But I've yet to undergo surgery, break most bones or any other severe medical issues personally, so Oratane is the most unpleasant and painful body memory I have. I'm told the spinal tap I had when I was two had me screaming hysterics but I don't really remember that.


I'm preparing for a life of discomfort and a little pain...oh, and hairiness because waxing is out. The worst of the discomfort, from memory is the dry, peeling lips that I lathered with lip balm every 15 minutes or so. But there's also the dry eyeballs (especially for us contact lens wearers), dry scalp, dry face, dry neck, dry body, dry arms, dry elbows, dry knees, dry ankles... you get the picture. All your skin feels tight yet flimsy and ready to break. The first time, I only had aching bones and muscles and a bit of nausea for the first two weeks on the meds while my body adjusted (here's hoping it's the same again). I didn't have any hair loss or severe mood swings or get depressed or anything like that.

I think it's unfair to suggest Oratane is linked with depression and suicidal thoughts. You're probably not in a happy place when you seek specialist help for a skin disease like cystic acne, you're feeling desperate to get rid of painful and highly visible red and pussy pimples. I bailed on coffee with a guy a few weeks ago because I didn't want my unappealing skin to be his first impression of me. Seems a bit silly to be posting my acne on the Internet now but I guess the difference is I won't see you staring or any looks of disgust. Having to look at my own face in the mirror is enough.

If you have severe acne and you're struggling to treat it with commercially available products, I say it's worth spending the moneys if you have it to see a dermatologist for Oratane. The sooner the better. I lucked out with a cancellation and a rad boss who let me pop out at short notice so I bypassed the 2 month wait for my appointment. For first timers,  it'll take 1-2 visits to get started plus meds so depending on the doctor's fees, how many acne skincare products you already have and any additional meds like antibiotics they prescribe, you'll need at least a few hundred. My first time on Oratane was about $550 to kickstart then ongoing check ups and meds, this time because I'd been on the meds before and didn't need the tests or a second appointment to get started, it cost me about $300 to kit up. I assume you have acne if you're reading this. Good luck! I'll be posting updates on my skin's progress as I go.

I've been doing a lot of Interstate trips this year because, I've discovered, I still like having fun. After a year of dullhood, I thought I was getting old and and boring, but turns out I just don't like going out in Brisbane. So Bris don't kill my vibe I travel to all the exciting stuff that happens anywhere not here. Boy-flings, Carbon Festival, mega 30th parties/weekends away and now the New Hunting Ground gallery launch on Friday 21st June in Fitzroy, Melbourne. Mark it in your diaries and come have fun with me!