KEEP IT IN THE PHAMLY

Every baby is different, which is why all the parenting books give out varying and often conflicting advice. The first eight weeks (aka newborn phase) were pretty much a roller coaster of anxiety, trying to interpret Baby's needs and adapting to them but never really knowing if what we did improved things or made them worse or Baby Pham just moved onto the next thing despite every effort.

The downside of growing up without much exposure to new babies and new parent life meant Boyfriend Pham and I fumbled around in the dark for a lot of it. Little Sissy Pham had forgotten a lot of the newborn nuances of her baby by the time we met ours.

Pretty much all of newborn parenting was an anxiety-riddled worryfest where we guessed Baby's needs and tried our best to roll with the punches. The one time in life, you wish everyone wasn't unique so we could have a 'how to baby' manual. I asked Little Sissy and Sister-Not-In-Law for their experiences and sometimes what worked for their bubs worked for us, sometimes it didn't and we had to try something different.

Baby Pham was mix-fed formula and breastmilk from day 5 of his life. As soon as he started feeding, we learned he had bad (though not severe enough for medication) reflux and couldn't be put down to sleep because he was uncomfortable. There was a lot of contact naps and even contact overnight sleeps with him on me in a reclined nursing chair and pillows everywhere so he wouldn't fall if I dropped him in my sleep. Thankfully no scares or close calls, mum hormones and instincts kept me semi-conscious even as I slept with him in my arms. We tried our best to follow recommendations (sleep baby flat on back in bassinet with no loose items that can be choking hazards), but sometimes you just gotta do what you need to get by.

The first eight weeks were terrifying and exhilarating, and I'm so glad to be out of that intense phase. The number of decisions you have to make on behalf of a baby that can only communicate through crying while getting very little rest or sleep is overwhelming at the best of times and crippling at the worst of times. Experienced parents tell us the next baby is easier because you know what to expect, which is basically a free-for-all unstructured shitshow where you hang on to the edge of your seat and hope to make it to the end of the show. Good luck, first-time parents! I wish you all the best with your trial by fire.

I've never felt so out of my depth before in my life coming home with Baby Pham in tow. There's so much support and scrutiny when you're pregnant, and while you're delivering the baby and then... you're on your own, kid. Except you're no longer the kid and you have a tiny fragile newborn kid that you have to somehow keep alive and thriving for the rest of your life.

I spent two nights in the hospital after giving birth because I needed to prove I could pee on my own the next day, and Baby Pham had to pass 24 hours of blood glucose tests because I had gestational diabetes.

The first night in hospital Baby Pham was sleepy from his exhausting journey to the outside world. The second night was torture for me with Baby's cluster feeding - I could not put him down or he'd start screaming. I'd been told about cluster feeding but I didn't understand it'd be a 5-7 day marathon I'd have to run immediately after giving birth. They don't specify that no sleep will be had with a newborn that's trying to bring in breast milk.

It was surreal coming home with a newborn that a couple of nights ago was in my belly. As Boyfriend Pham and I left the hospital we pushed Baby to the ward entrance in his trolley as per hospital rules for moving around with babies - carrying Baby in arms while walking about was a no-no. The nurse took the trolley and told us, "You're discharged. You make up the rules now." And so we walked out of the hospital with me carrying Baby Pham and Boyfriend Pham carrying our luggage. He drove us home while I sat in the back next to our teeny, tiny newborn in his gigantic-seeming car seat. We arrived home, took Baby inside and looked at each other. "Now what?"

'What' was and has been determined by Baby Pham ever since.

At first, he was hungry and wanted to feed constantly to bring in my breastmilk. The first night at home, I sat up all night with bub on the couch trying to let Boyfriend sleep but he could hear Baby wailing all night. The second night at home I sat with bub in the nursing chair and when Boyfriend checked in on us at 3:30am, I was sobbing and feeling like I was failing our baby because my milk wasn't coming in. We decided to give him formula that I'd bought as a 'just-in-case' from Day 5 onwards. And so, the nurse's parting words came true, we began to make up our own rules as parents to our newborn Baby Pham.

I haven't had many opportunities let alone the brain capacity to write blogs with Baby Pham taking up my every waking moment. I have, however, had plenty of time to sit in the dark in a nursing chair cuddling my baby at godawful hours, pondering random life things like what if I chop off all my hair to save blow-drying it and also, why didn't my postpartum hair loss thin it out more so there'd be less to maintain? Or what if I try to keep Baby Pham awake before dinner or let him nap for longer or let him nap for shorter to see if that helps his bedtime sleeping? (In reality, he does whatever the fuck he wants and some nights he'll nap before dinner and go to bed right after while other nights he naps and is up for two hours after dinner, then yet on other nights he won't nap before dinner and also won't go to sleep after dinner.)

Yes, I spent many sleepless nights pondering how to get Baby to sleep more so I, too, can get more sleep. But I don't think I'll ever figure it out and eventually Baby Pham will just sort himself out when he's ready. So then I move on to other thoughts. One of them is how I would approach blogging about my life while respecting Baby Pham's privacy. My world revolves around baby now, if I didn't write about him then I wouldn't have anything to blog about. Though I've decided with Boyfriend Pham to keep Baby Pham offline so I won't be sharing any identifiable information about him or images of him. The 2000 photos I already have (not an exaggeration) will remain locked away.

We aren't sharing Baby Pham's face on our private social media accounts either. We will wait until he's old enough to understand the risks of being visible online and capable of giving consent. If you're a Phamly friend reading this and don't want to wait almost two decades to know what my chunky monkey looks like, feel free to message me. If you're a stranger passing by my blog, you can look up the Boy Scout named Russell in the animated movie UP - our little dumpling looks a lot like Russell but with a naturally formed mohawk.

What happened immediately after Baby Pham was out of my womb is a bit of a blur as I write this four months later (I am posting this 7 months later, this year has been a blur). I will try and record what I can remember.

The midwives immediately placed Baby Pham on my chest once they checked he was alive and well. His little chin quivered and he cried. One of the midwives moved him to my right breast but he wouldn't latch. She started trying to express colostrum without asking my permission or telling me what she was doing and I yelped in pain when she pinched my boob. I didn't see it coming because I only had eyes for Baby Pham. I had moved him over to my left breast because Boyfriend Pham was on my left and I wanted Baby as near to him as possible. Thankfully, while she was just starting to try and express colostrum from my right boob, Baby Pham latched onto my left so she left me alone with Baby and Dad after only one pinch. This was the only misstep by the midwives in an otherwise great birthing experience.

I opted to get an injection to force the placenta out rather than wait for my hormones to manage it naturally. I'm grateful for the critical role my placenta performed in bringing bub to me, but I wasn't emotionally attached to it - nor did I want to eat it, or plant it or any of the other things people do with their placentas. Birthing the placenta was a really weird sensation after feeling such heavy pressure there from a solid baby moments earlier. The placenta was a flexible blob so it simply slipped out of me without the need to bear down. I asked to see my placenta out of curiosity. I'd heard of other mums whose placenta deteriorated towards the end of pregnancy. Mine was healthy and kinda looked like a red steak. Nature. How bizarre.

We stayed like this with Baby Pham for a while because we had to wait for a senior surgeon to come and have a look at my two second-degree tears. The one on my perineum the doctor stitched up but the other tear that ran millimetres from my urethra and clitoris needed someone more senior to look at.

Eventually, Boyfriend Pham cut the umbilical cord and watched Baby get checked and weighed, while the senior surgeon assessed my damage and decided I didn't need surgery so stitched me up on the spot. The midwives seemed proud that I hadn't taken any pain medication for birth and the doctors were impressed I breathed through the local anesthetic injections in sensitive areas of my genitals. I'm lucky I have a high pain tolerance, it would have made the unpleasant experience even worse.

Boyfriend Pham advocated for skin-on-skin time with Baby while I had a shower made a little awkward by my catheter (they weren't sure if I could pee or not with the tear so near my uretethra). I suppose this was a second misstep by the midwives that they didn't offer or suggest skin-on-skin time for the father while I was preoccupied.

Overall, we had a wonderful birth experience and the hospital team handled our hurdles and hiccups with care and confidence. Giving birth was the most intense experience of my life, and it was worth it to meet my little man on the other side.

Our fertility and pregnancy experience

Baby Pham was induced a day before his due date because he gave us all a scare with decreased fetal movement and a sporadic heart rate. He was meant to be induced a day earlier after my check-in with a midwife spiralled into a trip to the hospital and nearly having an emergency c-section. The c-section was called off literally at the last minute because Baby's heart rate stabilised and I was meant to be induced that day but the Birth Centre was too busy to take me.

Instead, I spent a restless night in the maternity ward listening to new mums with their newborns, while I was hooked up for two additional CTG rounds to make sure Baby's heart rate remained normal. The next morning, I was moved from the maternity ward to the birth suite with the midwife and a student doctor.

The midwife was the same one we saw the day before at our regular check-in - she'd referred us to the hospital to check on Baby's decreased movements in my belly. She offered to break my waters and get the show on the road but I wanted to wait for Boyfriend Pham so we could share the whole birth experience from start to finish. I'd told Boyfriend Pham to take it easy before he came in that morning because it would be a big day for all three of us - and possibly his last chance to relax in a long while. So, Boyfriend fixed his car and chilled at home for a bit before coming to the hospital with a pit stop at the coffee cart.

After my caffeine hit, my waters were broken - the sensation of it gushing out was very weird, though not as odd as birthing the placenta that night. The midwife started my synthetic oxytocin drip. The dosage was gradually increased every hour or so and I watched the monitor where I was shown that my body was contracting, but I didn't feel any pain for the first couple of hours. Then the contractions started to twinge and gradually build until about the fifth hour of induced labour when it started to hurt. Boyfriend Pham attached the TENS machine with the midwife's advice because the instruction manual told us to apply the patches too high up.

Labour pain is the most intense pain I have ever felt in my life. It's gruelling having your lower abdomen muscles contract for hours with increasing frequency as time goes on. The TENS machine helped distract from the pain in my belly, by directing pain sensations to my back. I didn't take pain medication because I didn't want anything passing through the placenta and making him sleepy. Gas would have been the only medical option I'd take but by the time I could have used more pain management than the TENS, my contractions were so close together I couldn't catch my breath or organise my thoughts enough to ask for gas. I was a wild animal by the end of my 8-hour labour; my body took over and I was letting out uncontrolled guttural moans with each contraction.

My labour would have been longer if it wasn't for Baby Pham causing more drama. In the final hour, my body was telling me to push but the midwife told me not to because Baby wasn't ready yet. O lordy was it painful to resist the urge to push. I ended up shitting myself because the pressure from Baby's head and contractions were so immense; the midwife had to wipe me clean a couple of times. When I was finally ready to push, Baby's heart rate dropped worryingly low a number of times and disappeared altogether. The midwife didn't know whether it was from him being so low in my body that the monitors couldn't detect him or if his heart had stopped so the situation escalated quickly in the final moments.

The senior midwife was called in and suddenly there were two new faces in the room, and I was being told to PUSH! because my baby was exhausted and needed to come out immediately. I tried to push for two contractions with no luck, then the senior midwife told me Baby couldn't wait for contractions any longer. She coached me through how to push without a contraction; I had to hold my breath and push with all of my might. I strained so hard that I thought I was going to break myself, which in a way I did. I could feel myself tearing as I pushed Baby Pham out, and the midwives pulled him free, but with all the adrenaline I didn't feel any pain.

All I felt was concern that I'd taken too long to push him out until suddenly, there was a baby lifted towards my chest and I could see his little chin quiver before he let out a healthy wail. My boy was alive and he was alert! I was flooded with relief and love for both my baby and the best partner I could wish for in Boyfriend Pham.

Boyfriend Pham is the most supportive and wonderful birth partner. He coached me through each painful contraction, breathing with me while I clung to him. We didn't realise what we were doing is hypnobirthing (deep breathing techniques) until a midwife told us afterwards, Boyfriend was using yoga breathing techniques he'd learned from Yoga with Adriene.

Our little miracle baby was here thanks to his persistence through our fertility journey, and his support during pregnancy, labour and birth.

Our fertility and pregnancy experience

Baby Pham made a dramatic entrance into the world. We went to our usual fortnightly midwife check-in appointment two days before his due date. I described how he wasn't kicking as much as he used to. The midwife said it was a myth that babies kick less at the end of pregnancy due to them being bigger with less space and called the hospital to let them know I was coming in for a CTG to check baby's heart rate as a precaution. 

Boyfriend Pham and I went home, ate lunch, packed a short stay bag and my hospital bag just in case, though we were pretty sure the CTG would show Baby was fine so weren't worried. 

We get to the obstetrics review centre and I get strapped to the machine. Baby Pham's heart rate is going wild. After a while, the doctors come in and say we have to induce because the CTG shows baby is not doing well. 

Boyfriend and I are left to process this information. We come to terms with inducing labour that day and then the senior doctor came in and said we needed an emergency c-section because his heart rate being elevated for over an hour indicated he was in distress. I burst into tears. Everything escalated so quickly in the space of 45 minutes. 

I'm worried about baby and I'm shocked that my precautionary visit now means medical interventions and I won't have the vaginal birth I'd wanted for my bub. Boyfriend and I were again left to come to terms with our birth plan changing while the medical staff got ready to prep both of us for surgery. 

I was stripped for surgery and shaved then rolled to the waiting area for surgery. A planned c-section mum and dad were in the next bay and I felt awful that I couldn't stop crying and probably stressing them out. Boyfriend was put in scrubs and our bags stored elsewhere. 

In the prep room attached to the operating theatre, we met with the anaesthetist team who talked us through the spinal block. They explained to Boyfriend that he would stay in the prep room while they did the spinal block but he'd be able to see it from across the room. I'm assuming some partners freak the fudge out seeing the spinal block go in.  

Then as the nurse was about to wheel me into the theatre, the senior doctor said she wanted to wait a few minutes to give baby time to demonstrate whether he was ok or needed out. The second CTG they attached to me in the prep room showed he was calm and cool as a cucumber. A picture perfect, steady heart rate. I couldn't believe it.   

I am so grateful to that doctor for deciding to call off the surgery since baby was no longer in distress. Everyone was there and ready to operate - costing hospital time and money, but she kept her word and didn't push ahead when the emergency c-section wasn't needed. Especially since I had a strong preference for vaginal birth. 

New plan. I went back to the obstetrics centre and had a third CTG which again showed baby was ok. That said the original issue of his reduced movements in my womb was still the main reason we were in hospital. So another doctor recommended we induce that night and we agreed. However, the birthing suite team were too busy and they couldn't get to me so instead Boyfriend Pham was sent home to rest, and I stayed a night in the maternity ward with a bunch of new mums while I waited to join their club in the morning. 

Our fertility and pregnancy experience

At time of writing a couple months ago, I have finished work and started 12-months of parental leave. Possibly one of my favourite updates to my LinkedIn profile was adding my career break to become a parent. I am now counting down the days until I meet Baby Pham. You'd think not working and having free time for yourself would be a dream come true...

The reality is I'm too big to move about freely. I am uncomfortable sitting on the couch, laying on the bed, standing for too long, sitting on a gym ball too long. My body is running hot with the extra blood and tiny human kicking around inside me. Doing basic chores around the house leaves me covered in sweat. Essentially, being awake or asleep is a struggle especially in the Brisbane heat waves and extreme humidity. 

Little Sissy Pham got caught out because her baby arrived on time and she was expecting him to be late because everyone kept telling her your firstborn is always late. She didn't prep any meals. 

I spent the few days I had on maternity leave dreaming of the end of my gestational diabetes diet. I made a wish list of all the foods I'd eat once baby and placenta were out of my body. I also prepped some frozen meals. Luckily I learned from Little Sissy's experience because my Baby Pham made a dramatic, early entrance to the world. A check-in with the midwife the week I was due spiralled into a trip to the hospital and a wild rollercoaster until Bub arrived. More on that next blog.  

Our fertility and pregnancy experience

Last time this orange dress fit.

Around Week 28 at the start of Trimester 3, I had to admit defeat and start retiring my regular wardrobe. I am pretty much exclusively wearing maternity clothes to accommodate the bulging belly for my last 4-6 weeks of pregnancy. Being frugal me, I have tried to keep my maternity wardrobe to a minimum. I want to spend as little as possible on maternity wear because it's only used for a short period in the scheme of things.

I outgrew my work skirts at the start of Trimester 2 and got away with wearing regular tops with these brilliant, bargain-priced Kmart skirts with elasticated waistlines. They were only $25 each and gave me a good 4 months of almost daily wear. However, now my belly is huge I cannot stand having anything on my waist - it's floppy maternity dresses only from here on in. I also bummed around the house in their maternity bike shorts for a while too. 

Elasticated waists for the win!

H&M has a big range of affordable maternity wear called MAMA. The cheaper end of the catalogue has no-frills but comfortable designs, though you can get some dressier items too if you prefer. I browsed the many maternity wear stores but they're expensive for items I may only wear for a month so I opted for cheap, fast fashion for now. 

To try and extend the life of my maternity items, I've looked for dresses where you can free the boobs for breastfeeding so I can continue to wear them after birth. Although I plan to breastfeed there's no guarantee that I will be able to (Mum Pham formula-fed all Pham siblings, and many mums struggle to get milk supply up long-term) so I also don't want to stock up on too many breast-feeding friendly clothes until I know I can breastfeed long-term.

In short, some mornings you'll find me walking around the house half-naked to get freshly washed maternity clothes off the drying rack because I've kept my items to a minimum and if I slack off even for a day or two with laundry I run out of comfy clothes to wear.

Last day in my beloved Beauty & the Beast dress

Our fertility and pregnancy experience

There are so many wonderful things about pregnancy. I wish I had experienced some of them. Unfortunately, I don't carry pregnancy well. In addition to sciatica and gestational diabetes, I started getting cankles at the end of Trimester 1 when a lot of women only start to experience it towards the end of their pregnancy.

I have lived in compression socks for nearly half a year. Doesn't sound so bad until you realise I'm in sunny and humid Brisbane and am having a summer baby and 2023 decided to end the year with a heatwave followed by wild summer storms and 90-something percent humidity day and night. The end of my pregnancy has been a form of heat torture due to the raging hormones and excess blood in my system.

On the upside, I got some really good quality compression socks from a local company on the Gold Coast called Funky Sock Co. I got a 3-pack of funky designs for fun, and then a 3-pack of neutrals (black, white, nude) for work.

I got a cheap pack of socks before finding Funky Sock Co, and they were OK but weren't as firm as I needed. You get what you pay for. Funky Sock Co has an excellent compression progression from the top to the bottom of the sock. On my bloatier days, I need Boyfriend Pham to help remove my Funky Socks at the end of the day and miraculously, my ankles have not become cankles.

I highly recommend Funky Sock Co to any mummas-to-be. https://www.funkysockco.com.au/

Our fertility and pregnancy experience

After my pale and pasty phase of early pregnancy in Trimester 1 where I looked sickly and ready to pass out at any moment, people started commenting on my glow in Trimester 2 even when they didn't know I was pregnant.

I don't remember Little Sissy Pham glowing during her pregnancy, so much as whinging constantly about all the bodily changes and challenges. And I have been the same. I have not felt healthy and glowing at any point during my pregnancy. I do wonder if it's because gestational diabetes put a dampener on Trimester 2 or my sciatica shooting burning pain through both thighs, or my pelvis giving me lower back pain. I was seeing my hospital team and a private physio frequently in Trimester 2 to sort my body out. I imagine women who love being pregnant during Trimester 2 are basking in pregnancy hormones levelling out after a nauseating Trimester 1 and enjoying their cute baby bump. I am not one of these women.

I did notice my outward glow, but I am certain it's the 2L-3L extra blood flowing through my struggling veins that makes me glow. I am hot and flushed and uncomfortable on the inside; the heat is radiating out of my flushed cheeks. To give context on how hot I run, I am usually the one with cold feet and hands in our relationship but these days I sleep naked on top of the sheets with the aircon on while Boyfriend Pham sleeps in pyjamas under 2-3 layers of sheets and blankets. Silver lining: I don't need to get maternity pyjamas once my belly outgrows my regular PJs since I can't stand wearing anything in bed - the 4 pillows I use to support my body and legs generate too much heat as it is. I'm also wearing compression socks during the days (yes, in Brisbane's summer heat) because the excess blood and fluids gather at my ankles throughout the day if I don't wear socks.

On the inside, my iron levels are dropping/spreading too thin so I am taking iron supplements that make me even more constipated because baby is growing and pressing on my intestines. The muscle-relaxing hormones that make it possible for my pelvis and belly to expand to house a growing baby have also relaxed my digestive system. I have to take magnesium supplements and rub magnesium oil into my calves before bed to try and prevent painful leg cramps waking me up at night. I no longer sleep through the night because I need to wake up and pee at least once or twice a night with baby pressing down on my bladder.

What I'm trying to say is pregnancy glow is surface-level, what's below the surface is a body adapting to lots of changes and challenges. So, yeah, thanks for the compliments, I may look good but I feel like crap. 

Our fertility and pregnancy experience