KEEP IT IN THE PHAMLY

And that's how I became the third wheel on my own vacation.

Wait, let's start from the very beginning. Little Sissy Pham and I were planning a trip to Europe in 2011 for when the Eurovision Song Contest was in Germany. Unfortunately, Mum Pham fell ill and we postponed our trip but life happened. Jobs came and went, boyfriends came and went, then the more responsible one (not me) bought a mortgage and suddenly it was 2017 and we hadn't gotten around to our trip. So we decided this year had to be the year.

Little Sissy Pham has a new(ish) boyfriend and they're still doing the cutesy new sweethearts crap so instead of wanting to get away from him, she wanted to invite him. So that's how I became the third wheel on my own vacation crashing on couches while they slept in cosy beds. And yet, they were the ones who needed naps during the day (no gumption)! It worked out since I liked going out exploring on my own since Little Sissy Pham couldn't walk fast or far in her cankles.

5 weeks in Europe nearly killed the sloth couple. I was pretty tired by the end too, though I could have pressed ahead for another week of trekking around. By the last stop in Prague they'd given up on exploring and just went shopping, which is a shame because Prague city centre is one of the prettiest places I've ever seen. Every which way I looked it was beautiful.

There's so much to explore in Europe. Our trip took us from Paris to Barcelona to Marseille to Nice to Rome to Venice to Milan to Geneva to our hometown via Frankfurt to Berlin to Prague. We traveled mostly by train using a Eurail Pass, then roamed the streets of every city visiting as many sights and destinations as we could. It was exhausting and exhilarating.

Expect a string of Europe travel inspired blog posts to come!

I don’t like embarrassing people unless it’s to delight them at the same time, ‘cause otherwise that’s just mean. My latest office prank-practical present was for a team member who eats a can of tuna for lunch every day. You read that right, a single can of tuna a day every day, unless he’s super hungry and then he may have two.

Tuna Breath doesn’t like to make a fuss over his birthday though, so I didn’t know the special day had arrived until I rocked up to work. I sent him a smart ass birthday email - this year I told him he’s by far my favourite person over the age of 100, and wished him a wonderful day. But somehow, this didn’t feel like enough.

So, I pitched an idea to the team - let's get Tuna Breath a comical amount of his favourite tuna, and surprise him when he munches down on a @cake.letters birthday cake. The team got on board, and oh boy was it glorious.

I stacked a poster tube with 14 tins, then taped it up with eBay tape to make it look like an online order. Then got a fancy looking gift box to make it look like we got him something sincere. Then, as a third and final joke, got him a single carrot that I individually wrapped for dietary balance (you should eat your veggies, kids).

The unboxing was perfect. He turned red as soon as he saw the tuna in the poster tube. Then, we deliberately put the nice, gift box on a table instead of handing it to him so he wouldn't feel the weight of it; he just needed to lift the lid and uncover the tissue paper, then BAM! more tuna tins. He nearly died when saw the 21 cans in the box. He could barely keep it together, and I was nearly pissing myself laughing from his reactions 'cause I'm a jerk.

Then he tried to walk away but I surprised him with the carrot - nicely wrapped to look like a pen box so again he was disappointed by our insincerity. His reaction was priceless - so much outrage and appreciation all at once. Ah, it was fun. He hated it at the time, and has put 3 calendar reminders to get me back on my birthday but I heard him telling his sister about it all when she called so I know he secretly loved it.

Tips for traveling with Little Sissy Pham: don't. 

The girl suffered through swollen ankles then a cold then constipation then headaches then motion sickness then claustrophobia. It was literally one thing after another for the whole 5 weeks. It was the worst.

Tips for traveling long distance flights: compression socks. 

Our friend told us to get socks the day before we spent 26 hours commuting but did we listen? No. We were lazy about going to the shops because we'd already tapped out and slid into holiday mode. It ruined Paris for Little Sissy - she was in agony the whole time we adventured to all the grand and beautiful sights. It also meant we couldn't pack as much into each day since she was in agony and didn't enjoy herself.

Instead, we bought compression socks in Paris for a lot more than we'd have spent at home as a lesson to always listen to clever friends who care about your health and well-being. Ijiuts. We wore the socks for the return flight and it helped a lot. We also wore it on long haul train rides between countries because in Europe you can get to most countries by high speed rail unlike in Australia where trains are slow and cumbersome. And in Brisbane where sometimes folks can't get home from work by train if the weather is too rainy or too hot. Australia's just not great at trains, hey.

So now I'm hoping that people reading this who are about to go on long haul flights will heed my warning to not be dumb like us. Wear compression socks and keep those legs moving - will save you a world of pain on the other end.

My car got a little smushed at a roundabout by an SUV that didn’t see me - maybe they were colourblind, my car is green. So I took the train for the couple of weeks while it was at the car doctors. What do you call those? Mechanics? I enjoyed public transport for the first few days, though I missed my morning car karaoke sessions. Then the early starts and longer, somber commutes began to wear me down. Still, it was fun to people watch on the bus and train.

I find it funny that some people who enter my life for fleeting moments on public transport, or driving through traffic will forever be remembered as the lady with the superhero run, or the suit with the epic yawn face, or the gym jock nose-picker. People in cars are my favourite though. They somehow think a clear dashboard window hides their hilarious, private antics.

My all-time favourite is a sweet moment a Dad and daughter shared. She was dancing and singing her heart out to whatever song was on the radio, and being a cheeky monkey. I still picture the glimpse into their lives when he turned to look at her at a red light as she strikes a dramatic hip hop pose, their eyes meet for a weighted moment, then they both burst out laughing like it was the best thing ever. That was real love right there.

So next time you’re walking the streets, sitting on public transport, or driving your car - remember, I could be creeping on you in my rearview mirror or through my windshield. But feel free to be yourself, and do embarrassing or sweet things like there’s no one watching.

Finally! A bicarb free, palm oil free and aluminium free deodorant that works really well, and lasts all day!

I was using crystal magic for the past year after trying half a dozen ‘natural’ deodorants. By natural, I mean aluminium chlorohydrate free. Most people who wear 'natural' deodorant are avoiding this compound that is possibly linked to cancer. I don't care about that though. I wanted a palm oil free deodorant because all the roll-ons in the super market contain conflict palm oil derived ingredients, which is killing orang-utans and devastating lands in less fortunate countries. So 'natural' deodorants was my only palm oil free option. Unlucky me though, I am sensitive to bicarb, which is the most common anti-odour replacement for aluminium chlorohydrate - it gives me painful, red and dry rashes. There are bicarb free pastes and roll-ons but the ones I tried only lasted a few hours and I was stinking by lunch time after applying in the morning. So for the past while I've been using crystals but they only fight my stench, they don’t help with my profuse sweating.

No Pong came across my Facebook feed as a sponsored ad and at first I was sceptical because advertising. But then I kept seeing real people’s comments raving about their product, so I had a look at the ingredients list. Alas, it had bicarb so I couldn't use it. But then a bicarb free version was developed. Again, I was sceptical because I had tried other bicarb pastes and still ponged but their bicarb version had such mad fans, I decided to give it a go. I am so glad I did - game-changer!

No Pong does what its name says. It stops the stink, and also absorbs sweat so you're nice and dry. A tiny pea-sized blob rubbed under each arm lasts all day. It also has the most pleasant and mild scent, which is another thing I didn’t like about other natural deodorants - they all used really strong oils that made smell like an incense stick whenever I raised my arm.

I’m now onto my second tub of No Pong already, and have not had a day where I needed to reapply! Though, I should note I do morning exercise then shower before I apply the anti-odourant - I’m not sure how it holds up if you go to the gym after work. I have just started going to Groove Therapy (pre-beginner’s dance class) once a week after work, and that’s fine. I’m not fresh afterwards because so much sweat, but I don’t reek either. Similar to how I felt after adult beginner ballet classes when I was using Dove deodorant  roll-ons. Not fresh, but not gross either. What can I say? I’m just a natural stinker. But No Pong helps with that while being bicarb-, aluminium- and palm oil-free! It really is wonderful, and I cannot recommend it enough!

We’re pretty excited about this announcement! Meet the newest member of our family - No Pong Low Fragrance, Bicarb Free! We’ve designed this No Pong especially for people sensitive to fragrances and bicarb in deodorants. As you can imagine, we wouldn’t release a product unless we were pretty sure it did what it says on the tin, and we believe this No Pong is just as ridiculously effective as our original, whether you are sensitive to those ingredients or not. Our all new patent-pending formula comes with some new premium all natural ingredients to get the job done, and a month of freshness is available right now for $6.95 + postage. -www.nopong.com

A post shared by No Pong, All Natural Deodorant (@nopong.deodorant) on Apr 28, 2017 at 12:41pm PDT