KEEP IT IN THE PHAMLY

Depending on how you measure Tinder success, I am either terrible or great at it. Either way, I was on it for a month and I'm already taking a break because I went and caught feelings (ewwwww) for someone, which is a fail, right? I was on a Tinder roll, juggling half a dozen guys with code names like Jack The Ripped for quick reference (I’m clever like that) who were all waiting to see me after the new year's holiday. I was feeling like a hot AF player when Rogue Fun came along and ruined Christmas for everyone.

Yup, after our first date Rogue Fun had me crushing so hard I couldn't go on any other dates I had planned after my holiday. I knew if I went I wouldn't bring my A-game and that’s just rude. I don’t like to waste people's time so I've postponed indefinitely while I ride out this crush.

Originally this post was going to be all about the fun of crushing on someone, but between the idea, starting a draft and tonight, I went and psyched myself out about Rogue Fun so now this post is more about how not to fudge up a new crush when you're naturally repulsed about having feelings of any kind.

Rogue Fun and I started out hot and heavy in a whirlwind of dates and nonstop texting, then due to a series of unfortunate and inconvenient events I haven’t seen him in weeks. I hit the panic button this week, jumped into self-defence mode and started my vanishing act (introverts are the best at disappearing, they call me 'the elusive Jade Pham' for good reason). Rogue Fun snapped me out of it and grounded me with his annoyingly reasonable arguments. In my defence, I wasn’t given all the facts - he had a fresh wound he forgot to mention when he bailed on me last-minute. I thought he had a choice and that his choice was not to see me.

A few lessons learned from my panic attack:

1. Don’t assume someone’s motives - This I will struggle with. In my experience people say things they don’t mean all the time - I mean, hello, my formative years were heavily influenced by junkies and a paranoid delusionist. So I’m always analysing people’s actions or inaction to see what they really mean. Next time, I must remember to ask for the why.
2. Ask how they’re feeling - I am not the greatest at understanding what people mean in what they say either. Being someone who has no filter in speaking my mind, I take things way too literally ALL the time and it’s put me and other people in many awkward situations. Like, when someone wishes we were snuggling and I offer to come over, then they have to reject me because they didn’t actually want to snuggle. So awkward. Maybe this lesson should be 'ask how they’re really feeling.'
3. Trust - Basically it's what all of the above comes down to. You have to trust that the other person has your back otherwise, what's the point? 

It's all easier said than done, though. Rogue Fun makes it easy to crush on him because he's always saying reassuring things like he finds me “very tolerable" and “not bad weird." But I find it bloody terrifying trusting anyone with my feelings. Being an optimist means pretty much always being disappointed because I always wish, hope and aim for the best. Between my expectations and reality, there is a 100% fail rate.

Even though I know that I'm setting myself up to be hurt whether intentionally by him or not, I just have to remind myself that I code named him 'Rogue Fun' for a reason. This crush is unpredictable, a little out of control, and a lot of fun. I just need to be brave enough to enjoy it because it's rare and lucky to feel this excited about anything or anyone in life.

I was listening to Pandora (and not Spotify because I’m old and Pandora were on the scene first and I’m lazy / set in my ways) when an old song I used to be obsessed with came on. If you haven’t noticed, anything can inspire a blog post in my weird brain and hearing this song was enough to trigger a whole thought chain from past me to future me.

I haven’t listened to Monica 'Don’t Take It Personal (Just One Of Dem Days' in years - over a decade, even. Not since I got through puberty and emerged a tolerable human being. This song makes so much more sense now I know what PMS is! I mean, I was a disgruntled and unhappy teen so I couldn’t differentiate between regular me and PMS me - back then I had one of dem hormonal days every day. Now I’ve developed into a decent person with passable charm (fake it til you make it, people), I know when hormones are making me unreasonable, melodramatic and a total biatch each month.

I'm mature enough now to take myself out of the equation of life so I don't take my moodiness out on others and create more bad vibes. Well, when I can - at work I just have to suck it up and my poor desk buddy doesn't know when I shut down and don't want to talk that it's not him, it's me. I guess we've worked together long enough for me to just tell him...

Dave, I PMS mid-month every month and there's one day in the lead up where I turn into an emotional wreck and want to cry for no reason; and then one day when the bleeding starts where I just want to lie down and be left alone to die a slow, impending, miserable death. I will warn you next time I'm extra hormonal since you don't read my blog.

At home, I can simply announce it to the housemate (Little Sissy Pham) and then sit in a grumpy lump on the couch or curled up in my bed. And she may or may not feed me bags of potato chips and chocolate. I do the same for her. Luckily we're not completely synched so usually on my awful or exhausted days she's OK, and on her awful or exhausted days I'm OK. Sisters don't have to do it for themselves.

PMS, girls and guys, is a bitch. Everyone experiences hormonal changes differently so sorry to say there's no simple rules to follow when navigating your way through rampaging hormones. Maybe one day we'll live in a society where we can just take a PMS day from work each month and openly tell people 'I'm bleeding and don't feel so hot' but till that day comes I'll subtly try to avoid humans and limit my anger to myself. If I ever tell you to please stop talking at me, think of this song and 'Don't take it personal.'

Over the Xmas to NYE break, B.Rad and B.Jammin' (aka "my gays") invited me to stay with them in the Northern Rivers area. The boys were in Lismore for Tropical Fruits Festival, a four-day GLBTI celebration which is bloody amazing and far too fabulous for someone as straight, sober and not into electronica as my dull self so I didn't stay for NYE or the recovery parties on NYD. Though, I marched in the gay pride parade in town a couple of days before, because unity and also because my gays said I didn't have an option.

I hardly get to see the B.Boys now we live in different states, so I drove down in my bum-numbing cheap car for their excellent company and great day trips to beautiful beaches, waterfalls and swimming holes. It was bloody friggin' hot though, and there's only so much nature us city plebs can handle before we melt. Whenever we weren't in or near water we struggled majorly.

Luckily, my gays had friends nearby and said friends had a life-restoring pool. These friends were so warm, welcoming and fun that when I got back home to Brisbane, I knew I had to make them my first act of Other People's Happiness for 2017. I sent them a couple of inflatable pool games as a thank you for being amazing, strong, hilarious women and for saving my life because I'm pretty sure I would have died from embarrassment at how poorly I was handling the heat. Hopefully, they have a little happy moment when they receive the card & gifts.

Thank you again, Katrina & Alex for being awesome human beings! I appreciate you.