Depending on how you measure Tinder success, I am either terrible or great at it. Either way, I was on it for a month and I'm already taking a break because I went and caught feelings (ewwwww) for someone, which is a fail, right? I was on a Tinder roll, juggling half a dozen guys with code names like Jack The Ripped for quick reference (I’m clever like that) who were all waiting to see me after the new year's holiday. I was feeling like a hot AF player when Rogue Fun came along and ruined Christmas for everyone.

Yup, after our first date Rogue Fun had me crushing so hard I couldn't go on any other dates I had planned after my holiday. I knew if I went I wouldn't bring my A-game and that’s just rude. I don’t like to waste people's time so I've postponed indefinitely while I ride out this crush.

Originally this post was going to be all about the fun of crushing on someone, but between the idea, starting a draft and tonight, I went and psyched myself out about Rogue Fun so now this post is more about how not to fudge up a new crush when you're naturally repulsed about having feelings of any kind.

Rogue Fun and I started out hot and heavy in a whirlwind of dates and nonstop texting, then due to a series of unfortunate and inconvenient events I haven’t seen him in weeks. I hit the panic button this week, jumped into self-defence mode and started my vanishing act (introverts are the best at disappearing, they call me 'the elusive Jade Pham' for good reason). Rogue Fun snapped me out of it and grounded me with his annoyingly reasonable arguments. In my defence, I wasn’t given all the facts - he had a fresh wound he forgot to mention when he bailed on me last-minute. I thought he had a choice and that his choice was not to see me.

A few lessons learned from my panic attack:

1. Don’t assume someone’s motives - This I will struggle with. In my experience people say things they don’t mean all the time - I mean, hello, my formative years were heavily influenced by junkies and a paranoid delusionist. So I’m always analysing people’s actions or inaction to see what they really mean. Next time, I must remember to ask for the why.
2. Ask how they’re feeling - I am not the greatest at understanding what people mean in what they say either. Being someone who has no filter in speaking my mind, I take things way too literally ALL the time and it’s put me and other people in many awkward situations. Like, when someone wishes we were snuggling and I offer to come over, then they have to reject me because they didn’t actually want to snuggle. So awkward. Maybe this lesson should be 'ask how they’re really feeling.'
3. Trust - Basically it's what all of the above comes down to. You have to trust that the other person has your back otherwise, what's the point? 

It's all easier said than done, though. Rogue Fun makes it easy to crush on him because he's always saying reassuring things like he finds me “very tolerable" and “not bad weird." But I find it bloody terrifying trusting anyone with my feelings. Being an optimist means pretty much always being disappointed because I always wish, hope and aim for the best. Between my expectations and reality, there is a 100% fail rate.

Even though I know that I'm setting myself up to be hurt whether intentionally by him or not, I just have to remind myself that I code named him 'Rogue Fun' for a reason. This crush is unpredictable, a little out of control, and a lot of fun. I just need to be brave enough to enjoy it because it's rare and lucky to feel this excited about anything or anyone in life.