KEEP IT IN THE PHAMLY

I received devastating news recently about an old friend who took her own life, and I've been struggling to process her death. So here I am writing my way through the sadness and shock. 

Scar was a beautiful human being inside and out. She was a few years younger than me but when we met I wanted to be like her when I grew up. She was bright, bold, welcoming, and loving. We crossed paths in our early 20s during my warehouse party era and she influenced shy, reserved me for the better. Scar helped me come out of my bubble with her daringly open ways in our formative years. We drifted apart when I moved away from Melbourne, but all my memories with her are warm and vibrant and happy. I find it hard to connect her effervescent aura with such a muted and lonely goodbye.

I had no idea she struggled with mental health and suicidal thoughts. I am shocked, but not surprised that I was oblivious because Scar carried herself with such strength and grace through life. I am horribly sad she chose to leave this world, and I wish life had been kinder to someone who made life more colourful and enjoyable for others. I hope she found the peace she was seeking, and I hope the family and friends she left behind will be OK. 

I've been a cat lady without any cats for 5 years since I lost both my lifelong friend Tigger Pham and foster kitty Frederick, the Great a day apart. I lived with Nolan Pham for a while then went into the rental market for a few years. Now that Boyfriend Pham and I are settling into our first home, I've been thinking more and more about how it'd be a nice home for a Pham Pet. It's been one month to the day since we got Rei Pham. 

Rei came to us in a series of fortunately, unfortunate events. After she became lost and squatted on Somebody's porch, Somebody left her there for a few days to see if she'd find her way home. She did not so Somebody took Rei into work. At work, Boyfriend Pham's family took her home when nobody else, not even the local RSPCA, could take her in. 

That weekend they had plans to visit family in Brisbane and Rei was too young to be left at home alone so they took her along for the weekend. They tried to rehome her at their sister's but the sister's partner said no deal! So on their way home, they still had Rei with them when they pit stopped to visit us. As they walked through the door, they asked if I was allergic to cats. I replied, 'No, actually, we were talking about getting a cat the other day.' His face lit up. His friend was visiting this week and deathly allergic to cats so how about we keep Rei for a week to catsit and trial her? See if we were her furever Phamly. We are.

She was timid for about a minute on her first night with us as she explored the house. Day 2 was playful fun. Day 3 she gained confidence to try more things. Day 4 she was strutting around like she owned the place. We knew then she was happy here, and let Boyfriend Pham's family know she wanted to keep us as her humans.

Rei has been multiple variations of her final name in her short few months of life. First, she was Reirei from The Lion King to match Boyfriend Pham's other pets Nala and Simba. But when they went to microchip her, they felt Reirei was tricky so she officially became Ray...for a week before I renamed her Rei after Rei Ayanami, the First Child in the Evangelion anime series. So, hello World, meet Rei! The First Child of Boyfriend Pham and me. She's settled in just fiiinnneee.

 

My HealthMate tracker bummed me out when it sent me a summary of 2020 stats compared to my 2019 activity. I had a very inactive last year. Lockdown, gym closures and every city dwellers' reality on and off these days.

My body punished me for my inactivity by locking up my lower back. It wasn't a fun way to spend Xmas break but it did force me to pay more attention to my physical health.

Dat Pham (no relation) at Northwest Physio was able to get my back back on track after only a few sessions. Once I had more movement in my body, he gave me a bunch of core strength exercises to make me stronger and more flexible. Basically, he doesn't want to see me much so the best way to do that is to make me fitter.

I've been doing my physio exercises at the gym and less of the deadlifts, squats and other weightlifting exercises I used to focus on solely. Gotta listen to my body more, and it wants more stretch and less strain this year. 

Finally! Social plans that didn't get cancelled at the last minute! ...Mainly because they didn't involve interstate visitors or travel. 

I spent the first day of 2021 visiting some of Boyfriend Pham's family. They moved just a couple hours outside Brisbane at the end of last year, so we went for an overnight stay on New Year's Day. It was Day 8 of my 11-day holiday, but felt like the first day I fully relaxed and enjoyed myself. Ecommerce life, hey?

We spent the day making and eating woodfired pizza, then got walked by their dog, before a night of playing board games all with lots of fun conversation. Seeing friends and hearing stories from outside my little Brisbane bubble is what I missed most from 2020. That, plus the amazing food at the now permanently closed Maria's Caribbean kitchen in Toowong - devastating. 

Being out of my house/Brisbane/regular surrounds let me properly chill out after being in high functioning mode for a lot of last year. It made me nostalgic for travel that we all took for granted, and planted the seed that I need to get out of my regular routine this year. Of course, it's easier said than done. As I write, a friend in Tassie and I were waiting for today's announcement as to whether Brisbane has been removed from Tasmania's naughty list so our Gold Coast getaway can go ahead as planned. And the update was that there'll be another update in 48-hours. But then the convention she was coming up for got canned so we cancelled our catch up. I still kept my annual leave days though, because I need the break.

Making travel plans is a bigger gamble than it used to be, but I'm going to jump at any opportunities that arise year. That, plus we have a $400 flight voucher that expires in October so we should probably use it. Unfortunately, everyone we're close with is a city-dweller and either their city is a hotspot, or their city thinks we're a hotspot. 

I’ve gone over what 2020 wasn’t. Now on New Years Eve, I’ve finally had a week of staycation to unwind and look back on the year that was. 

B and V are my childhood besties. The kind of friends who you grew up with and even though you live in different parts of the country or world at times, when you come together it’s like you’ve never been apart? These two are my long distance, close friends.

Well, both of them are living their best COVID-19 impacted lives. While I was buying my first home and am now settling down during COVID-times, both B and V had fled their homes and haven’t been back since March.

B went on a holiday to Tasmania and when the first wave of Melbourne lockdowns began, decided it was safest to stay in Tassie for the sake of her elderly parents. So while the majority of my Melbourne friends have suffered through a second, long lockdown period, B has spent endless days hiking, biking and adventuring in nature, and eating amazing looking food. Lucky me gets to stalk her private Google Photos feed - she’s one of those peeps who doesn’t mobile phone let alone social media.

V has had nature adventures of a different kind. She’s been living on a boat the past 6 months. It sounds like a dream but she’s working remotely so spends her days ignoring the gorgeous sites outside, tapping away on her laptop in a tiny corner of an already small table on a boat. Still, I imagine finishing work and stepping outside to a sea breeze ain’t all that bad.

I caught up with V in Brisbane as soon as the QLD-NSW borders opened. It was fun to hear about her COVID-19 life, and what’s waiting for her back home. Mainly, a car with a flat battery and perhaps some neighbours who may think she’s dead because she didn’t tell anyone she was going and wasn’t expecting to be away for at least the rest of this year.

2020 has been a write-off in many ways, but it’s awesome to hear the silver lining people have found. If you have any positive outcomes from this wreck of a year, please do share - I’d love to hear it. Email blog@thephamly.com.au

a) Big Brother Pham would build him a granny flat, and

b) when Dad passes, his loser middle daughter (me) would be allowed to live in the granny flat.

I didn’t enjoy work from home life in a previous role. I got so lonely I started chatting to the spider that lived on my desk, and the two crows that came to perch on the fence. I was also single and didn’t have motivation to take breaks in the evenings, get out of my pyjamas or even shower for that matter. I became quite ill and depressed after six months, and resigned a few months after that.

I am thoroughly enjoying work from home life this time around. After nearly 5 years of long daily commutes, I’m enjoying not wasting hours of my life crawling through traffic. I’ve taken some lessons from my last experience working from home.

This time I make sure I get dressed every day like I would normally for work. In three months, there was one day where I was in gym gear because I did a workout and before I could shower and dress, work exploded in my face. And a second day where I did a morning of meetings in my PJs because I’d slept in, and didn’t get dressed until lunch time.

The gym gear day

Pretty much every older Asian lady in my life wears a jade bracelet, and I’ve come to the realisation that I am now that older Asian lady to my nieces. I broke the cheap jade bracelet Mum Pham gave me a couple of years ago, and I was reluctant to wear the high quality bracelet I inherited from Mum because, well, I broke my last one. Mum’s one is dense and has flecks of black and a swirl of brown on a dominantly green and white band. It’s definitely in a different league to the one I used to wear when it comes to quality.

Towards the end of her time, Mum Pham had become weak and lost blood flow. She stopped wearing her jade bracelet because it was too heavy and cold. She started to carry it around in her money pouch. You know the money pouches that you’re encouraged to use overseas so pickpockets can’t get at your goods while you’re vulnerable in a foreign land? Mum wore that all the time and it was stashed with cash, jewellery, . I’m trying to picture when I first noticed and I think she started wearing it after we got robbed in Australia, and she lost family heirlooms and other valuables.

Anyhoo, back to the bracelet that spent a year or so following Mum around in her money pouch. After she passed away, it spent over 5 years in Mum’s make up / jewellery box that I’d inherited. I recently decided it’s silly not to wear Mum’s bracelet out of fear of breaking it. I’m sure Mum would rather I wear it so I remember her whenever I glimpse it or clang it on something, or whenever I fall asleep on it funny and my wrist aches the next morning, or whenever I hug Boyfriend Pham too tight and it jabs him, and I’m reminded he’s never met Mum but if he did she probably would jab him and tell him to eat more of whatever delicious feast she’s served up. It now lives on my right wrist just like it used to live on Mum’s. This photo is from 2004 on Big Brother Pham's birthday - seafood stir fry noodles with a side of chicken soup.

The world is a weird place right now. Every now and then when I start to feel overwhelmed, I remind myself that my parents had their lives torn apart by war. Their worlds were turned upside down, they lost their homes, their family, friends and everything they’d ever known.

A pandemic where we’re asked to stay in the comfort of our home, and only venture out to buy groceries from supermarkets that would be fully stocked if people hadn’t panic bought supplies? If this is the worst event I’ve been through in my life then I am lucky.

I’ve learned two main things from the pandemic so far.

One: I didn’t need to stock up on any high-demand items because, as it turns out, I’ve been panic buying my whole life - I just didn’t know the official term for it so I called it ‘hoarding.’ You see, Mum Pham taught us to bulk buy items on sale to save money in the long-term. Buying full price is for chumps! I have at least 1-2 extra cans, bottles, packets, bags of… well, everything. When items started disappearing from shelves I still had at least a month’s supply of most things. Thanks Mum Pham.

Two: Humanity can work together to manage global issues. Sure, it has been hit and miss as governments and health experts figure out how best to respond to a super-infectious, fast-spreading virus. But entire countries are putting the economy and society on pause to save as many people’s lives as we can. Imagine what we can do when we work together to tackle other global issues like ocean plastic, air pollution, and destructive energy? That, of course, would require politicians to listen to other scientists the way they’ve listened to medical experts. While I don’t hold much hope that current governing powers will backflip on climate change, I have hope the future generations are seeing what we can do together, and when they’re in power they’ll make the tough decisions our current leaders aren’t making.

It’s hard to be the first person to say ‘I love you,’ which is why I recommend you tell people ‘you love me’ instead. It makes things way easier so long as you’re comfortable coming across like an arrogant jerk.

It works well in situations with your partner. Whenever I do anything annoying to Boyfriend Pham like squeezing his arm non-stop and aggressively because it’s a habit from my childhood to adulthood with Mum Pham’s arms, and he looks exasperated and is about to tell me to stop. I remind him ‘You love me!’ To which he sighs and says in defeated tones, ‘I know.’

I’m not the only arm-obsessive, Little Sissy Pham has the same arm squishing habit I do. You guys don’t understand, Mum Pham’s arms were the best to squeeze affectionately and sometimes aggressively. So satisfying!

‘You love me’ also works well with siblings. I’m constantly reminding Little Sissy Pham that she loves me just in case she forgets, especially while I’m doing my big sister duties and birth right to poke fun at her every chance that I get. Like that time I teased her lisp relentlessly until she learned how to pronounce ‘crocodile’ and ‘smile’ properly. Or that time pigeon-toed me made fun of her funny, out-turned waddle walk until she trained herself to walk with her feet pointed straight ahead. Ah, she loves me.

I love you. I was talking to my girlfriends about this heavily weighted sentence. Some of them are in long-term relationships, others are in new relationships or dating.

The first time Boyfriend Pham told me he loved me was in the car as I was dropping him off at home on his last day in our office. We were both upset and spent the car ride talking about our next chapter and what we should do. The first thing I had to do, however, was to go back to work so when I pulled up outside his place, I anticipated him saying bye and hopping out. Instead he said those words. I was so surprised I thought I’d misheard him so my response was, ‘Huh?’ (I know, facepalm, Jade!) He repeated himself and I told him, ‘I love you, too.’

Many people agonise over the right time and place to say this to someone new in their life. Me? I hadn’t thought about it before this moment because I don’t know how to relationship, as BF likes to remind me when I do some oddball thing people apparently don’t do in relationships. Boyfriend Pham? He felt it so he said it, which is a very him thing to do.

Other people are not so matter-of-fact about it. One friend wasn’t sure how to bring it up and for months wondered if now was the right time to say something. And when that time came and went and they didn’t have the nerve to say it in person, they wrote a lovely letter instead.

Some people don’t struggle to say I love you, but don’t know when to keep their mouth shut. A Tinder date who, after being broken up with, came to visit my friend at her place of work. Red flag! She again had to tell him things were over, yet he proceeded to casually call out ‘Love you!’ to her back as she was walking away. Red flag! Had never said it to her before then, and for good reason: They’d only been on a handful of dates and barely knew one another.

When you don’t know someone well, maybe don’t tell them you love them because it’s probably infatuation and you haven’t seen them in a rough patch yet. When you know someone and you adore the way they conduct themselves in good and bad situations, then you’re probably in love. And if you’re in love, there isn’t a bad time to tell your beloved. The sooner, the better. Love is special. Don’t keep it to yourself. We need to share it more with the world.

When I first moved in with Boyfriend Pham he was persistent to the point of being annoying that I keep up with my weekly dinner with the girls. Why was he so desperate to get me out of the house? What was he doing without me? Eating family packs of potato chips? Watching porn? He is supportive of Girls Night because he knows and has dated girls who didn’t have a close-knit friendship with other women so their worlds revolved, a little unhealthily, around their boyfriends.

Girls Night in practicality is a night in at one of our humble abodes where we wear cute Peter Alexander PJs (not me - too lazy to pack PJs), drink wine (except me - too allergic to alcohol), and order-in dinner. Girls Night in actuality is a sanctuary. A place where we feel safe to talk about anything and everything going on in our lives. We support one another whether it’s through sympathising and sharing a similar experience so our friends don’t feel alone in what they’re going through, or giving some tough love and sharing advice we know they won’t want to hear but need to.

There is no such thing as oversharing at Girls Night. We talk about bodily functions, our relationships and dating, growing or failing friendships, our career development and changes at work, our living situations, pets, parents, and family. Whatever is on our minds, gets aired at Girls Night to a room of supportive, loving friends.

While I call mine Girls Night, yours can take any shape or form. It could be a social sport, or nights out on the town, or a book club. If it’s frequent enough to be called a regular thing, then you’ve got yourself a Girls/Boys/Friends Night. A time to look forward to, somewhere to socialise, have fun and share whatever’s going on in your life with people who matter and care.

There was a 6 week break in my blog while I was doing the opposite of holidaying. First, there was a big work deadline that took over my life for a couple of weeks. Then I (and most of my team) was wiped out by a couldn't-see, couldn't-think, couldn't-function virus for a full two weeks - give or take a month either side for coughing fits. It was the second sickest I've ever been in my life; actual influenza was bone-achingly worse than this virus.

Our office is a disease incubator. The air conditioning doesn’t work so well to keep us cool in summer but it sure is great at spreading germs over the cooler months. I caught a cold in April that left me with a cough until early July when I didn’t get better - no, as a matter of fact, I got terribly worse.

I'd been lethargic and tired for weeks while I recovered from the latest outbreak. It took me 4 weeks to draft and publish Marco Polo because I couldn't think straight or find inspiration every time I sat down to finish it. I've had a new car for nearly two months and I hadn't told you about it!

Things are looking up though. I eased myself back into gym workouts; can't believe how quickly my muscles and stamina faded away. They also came back quickly. At the start of week 4 and I'm feeling fit and strong again, and motivated to write. Write. Write!

I have a new boy in my life; his name is Marco and he's my first ever brand new car. In case you haven't guessed from his name, this blog post title or the photo, he's a Volkswagen Polo. Named after Marco and Polo - the two crows that used to sit on the fence outside my bedroom / home office and keep me company while I worked from home and went stir crazy and started conversing with crows.

I've only ever driven second hand cars, and until the latest Getz all of them were bombs that Mum Pham and Dad Pham scrimped and saved to buy. Us Phamlings shared the cars because neither of our parents can drive. It was, how you say, the pits. Mum and Dad did so much to try and provide for us with the little they had. I wish Mum could see me now. I can afford a fancy European car that was Made in Germany like me!

I went with a VW Polo after my partner recommended it, and we rode in the back of his friend's GTI where I learned they've updated the chassis so it's not boxy and cramped like older models. It was the first car I test drove and the only one I test drove because I fell in instant love. Polos are a dream to drive. Everything is so well-made and has a luxe feel without the price tag. The Germans sure know good, efficient design. It is hands-down the best quality, small car in its price range ($19,999-$24,999 for the trendline with a few extras).

My Marco is so shiny, and new, and has so much tech that I was intimidated by him for the first couple of weeks until I finished reading the 400 page manual, of which, half wasn't relevant to my Marco because I got the basic, trendline model (still very fancy) but not feature packed liked the upgrades. Even so, after reading more information than I needed to, I understood Marco's tech isn't there to judge me for bad driving, it's there to assist me and keep me safe.

Except: I wish I didn't have him measuring me because I am obsessed with good stats (hence, fitness tracker life). I avoid zoomies in Marco even though he's so very fast to accelerate with his 1.0L Turbo engine. Gotta keep my eco stats high to stay fuel efficient! And that means accelerating steadily. Sigh. I refuse to use the stop/start engine; I know it's an eco feature to save fuel but I don't like the slight delay in accelerating and the jerk it adds to starting the car. Plus, I can't imagine it's good for the battery to stop/start so often in peak hour traffic.

I used to dress like a toddler's dream in glittery rainbow unicorn everything. Anything bright, colourful and shiny that caught my eye would join my wardrobe. Essentially, I dressed like I was destined to visit the Unicorn Store, and sometimes I still do but usually only on weekends. Last year my preferences changed so I went through a movie maker to make my colours less crazy, and more subtle.

After 30+ years on earth I wanted to dress more my age in the office. I mean, they say to dress the part and my part is no longer new kid on the block, I'm in a senior role because I got old and gained experience. Suddenly I'm in a position where I don't feel comfortable wearing short Garfield dresses or fruity tops and bottoms or fruit in general to work.

This change was also spurred by watching my boyfriend go to a new job looking sharp in dress pants and a button-up every day. There's something nice about looking smart. Then when he got a work uniform, seeing him come home and change into his casual clothes to relax was also very appealing. I haven't really had that separation between work me and home me for most of my life because I've worked in street fashion and music where casual clothes is the uniform. Most people probably wish they could be more themselves at work. Me? I wish I was less homely at work.

These days I've added clean lines, simpler patterns, and solid colours to my work wardrobe. I found a nicely cut, plain dress that I bought in three colourways that I call my 'work uniform.' And have some mix and match tops and skirts so I don't always wear the same outfit to work. I still get the urge to buy bright colours, clashing prints and crazy patterns but when I do, I remind myself I barely wear my current unicorn clothes anymore. Movie makeovers don't happen overnight but they do happen. For me, it took about 6 months to slowly gather work wardrobe staples until one day I realised I hadn't dressed like a kid at work in weeks. Look at me... finally growing up.

I find social media to be quite social, and not dehumanising like naysayers say. Unless it's Tinder and I don't understand why people are so weird and gross. I guess it's because I use social media to connect with people, and see what they share about their lives instead of, you know, trolling strangers because I am unhappy with myself, feel disconnected from humanity, and lack the community that humans evolved from.

I've stayed in touch with interstate friends who I probably would have lost touch with over time. I see their latest life updates so I don't feel like I'm completely out of the loop the next time we catch up in person. I've reconnected with some awesome people I had lost touch with like The Other Phams. They wouldn't have found me otherwise, especially since I legally acquired an English first name since leaving school.

I've gotten jobs from LinkedIn and Facebook. I've hired from Twitter and Instagram. I got my current job via a Facebook status asking for job leads. I ended up meeting with the CEO and two department heads, then they created a role to suit my skills, and over 3.5 years later this is the longest I've stayed in anyone role.

I date a Perth boy so his friends and family got to know me through Facebook, Instagram and FaceTime long before I met many of them in person. We'd been living together for months by the time I met his parents. This Easter I went to Perth mainly to meet Rex, his brother the cutest and fluffiest German shepherd; but also to meet the many faces I've seen online for over a year. Social media is a good starting point but it's always nice to take life offline sometimes to add real friends.

You guys I am such a grown up now. This year at Not So Single Ladies Galentine's Day, we went to a fancy restaurant and by fancy I mean I didn't wear sneakers.

We went for a lovely dinner at Persone in the city where I felt out of place because I'm a child of poor refugees, and tend to save my money, not eat it - so my thoughts went something like this: Should my bum be allowed on this luscious lounge? This cloth napkin is too nice to sully, I'll wipe my mouth on the tissues in the my bag. Does anybody know what cutlery should be used first? Is it weird to ask to take the balloon heart on our table? We totally took the heart on the table.

Even though Persone has fancy interior and brilliant view of the cityscape, it's affordable for the quality of food you get, and the decor. We wined and dined, and watched the awkward, or quiet, or bored dates around us. The only other table who seemed to have fun was a big group of men and one lady who seemed like an office party. Gosh, Valentine's Day is a sham.

The one time a year men feel obliged to treat their ladies special by taking them to a nice Italian restaurant, and playing on their phones or sitting in silence. One hetero and one gay couple seemed to enjoy the experience and their partners that night. The rest of the tables in our view were a little depressing.

I like that my boyfriend could not give a shit about a commercial holiday. I like that I don't spend Valentine's Day on forced dates. I instead surround myself with the strong, funny and intelligent women in my life and we catch up on each other's wins and hurdles, and most hilarious stories since we last all caught up on Galentine's Day. Cheers to another year gal pals. Love you long time.