KEEP IT IN THE PHAMLY

Finally! Social plans that didn't get cancelled at the last minute! ...Mainly because they didn't involve interstate visitors or travel. 

I spent the first day of 2021 visiting some of Boyfriend Pham's family. They moved just a couple hours outside Brisbane at the end of last year, so we went for an overnight stay on New Year's Day. It was Day 8 of my 11-day holiday, but felt like the first day I fully relaxed and enjoyed myself. Ecommerce life, hey?

We spent the day making and eating woodfired pizza, then got walked by their dog, before a night of playing board games all with lots of fun conversation. Seeing friends and hearing stories from outside my little Brisbane bubble is what I missed most from 2020. That, plus the amazing food at the now permanently closed Maria's Caribbean kitchen in Toowong - devastating. 

Being out of my house/Brisbane/regular surrounds let me properly chill out after being in high functioning mode for a lot of last year. It made me nostalgic for travel that we all took for granted, and planted the seed that I need to get out of my regular routine this year. Of course, it's easier said than done. As I write, a friend in Tassie and I were waiting for today's announcement as to whether Brisbane has been removed from Tasmania's naughty list so our Gold Coast getaway can go ahead as planned. And the update was that there'll be another update in 48-hours. But then the convention she was coming up for got canned so we cancelled our catch up. I still kept my annual leave days though, because I need the break.

Making travel plans is a bigger gamble than it used to be, but I'm going to jump at any opportunities that arise year. That, plus we have a $400 flight voucher that expires in October so we should probably use it. Unfortunately, everyone we're close with is a city-dweller and either their city is a hotspot, or their city thinks we're a hotspot. 

I’ve gone over what 2020 wasn’t. Now on New Years Eve, I’ve finally had a week of staycation to unwind and look back on the year that was. 

B and V are my childhood besties. The kind of friends who you grew up with and even though you live in different parts of the country or world at times, when you come together it’s like you’ve never been apart? These two are my long distance, close friends.

Well, both of them are living their best COVID-19 impacted lives. While I was buying my first home and am now settling down during COVID-times, both B and V had fled their homes and haven’t been back since March.

B went on a holiday to Tasmania and when the first wave of Melbourne lockdowns began, decided it was safest to stay in Tassie for the sake of her elderly parents. So while the majority of my Melbourne friends have suffered through a second, long lockdown period, B has spent endless days hiking, biking and adventuring in nature, and eating amazing looking food. Lucky me gets to stalk her private Google Photos feed - she’s one of those peeps who doesn’t mobile phone let alone social media.

V has had nature adventures of a different kind. She’s been living on a boat the past 6 months. It sounds like a dream but she’s working remotely so spends her days ignoring the gorgeous sites outside, tapping away on her laptop in a tiny corner of an already small table on a boat. Still, I imagine finishing work and stepping outside to a sea breeze ain’t all that bad.

I caught up with V in Brisbane as soon as the QLD-NSW borders opened. It was fun to hear about her COVID-19 life, and what’s waiting for her back home. Mainly, a car with a flat battery and perhaps some neighbours who may think she’s dead because she didn’t tell anyone she was going and wasn’t expecting to be away for at least the rest of this year.

2020 has been a write-off in many ways, but it’s awesome to hear the silver lining people have found. If you have any positive outcomes from this wreck of a year, please do share - I’d love to hear it. Email blog@thephamly.com.au

a) Big Brother Pham would build him a granny flat, and

b) when Dad passes, his loser middle daughter (me) would be allowed to live in the granny flat.

I didn’t enjoy work from home life in a previous role. I got so lonely I started chatting to the spider that lived on my desk, and the two crows that came to perch on the fence. I was also single and didn’t have motivation to take breaks in the evenings, get out of my pyjamas or even shower for that matter. I became quite ill and depressed after six months, and resigned a few months after that.

I am thoroughly enjoying work from home life this time around. After nearly 5 years of long daily commutes, I’m enjoying not wasting hours of my life crawling through traffic. I’ve taken some lessons from my last experience working from home.

This time I make sure I get dressed every day like I would normally for work. In three months, there was one day where I was in gym gear because I did a workout and before I could shower and dress, work exploded in my face. And a second day where I did a morning of meetings in my PJs because I’d slept in, and didn’t get dressed until lunch time.

The gym gear day

Pretty much every older Asian lady in my life wears a jade bracelet, and I’ve come to the realisation that I am now that older Asian lady to my nieces. I broke the cheap jade bracelet Mum Pham gave me a couple of years ago, and I was reluctant to wear the high quality bracelet I inherited from Mum because, well, I broke my last one. Mum’s one is dense and has flecks of black and a swirl of brown on a dominantly green and white band. It’s definitely in a different league to the one I used to wear when it comes to quality.

Towards the end of her time, Mum Pham had become weak and lost blood flow. She stopped wearing her jade bracelet because it was too heavy and cold. She started to carry it around in her money pouch. You know the money pouches that you’re encouraged to use overseas so pickpockets can’t get at your goods while you’re vulnerable in a foreign land? Mum wore that all the time and it was stashed with cash, jewellery, . I’m trying to picture when I first noticed and I think she started wearing it after we got robbed in Australia, and she lost family heirlooms and other valuables.

Anyhoo, back to the bracelet that spent a year or so following Mum around in her money pouch. After she passed away, it spent over 5 years in Mum’s make up / jewellery box that I’d inherited. I recently decided it’s silly not to wear Mum’s bracelet out of fear of breaking it. I’m sure Mum would rather I wear it so I remember her whenever I glimpse it or clang it on something, or whenever I fall asleep on it funny and my wrist aches the next morning, or whenever I hug Boyfriend Pham too tight and it jabs him, and I’m reminded he’s never met Mum but if he did she probably would jab him and tell him to eat more of whatever delicious feast she’s served up. It now lives on my right wrist just like it used to live on Mum’s. This photo is from 2004 on Big Brother Pham's birthday - seafood stir fry noodles with a side of chicken soup.

The world is a weird place right now. Every now and then when I start to feel overwhelmed, I remind myself that my parents had their lives torn apart by war. Their worlds were turned upside down, they lost their homes, their family, friends and everything they’d ever known.

A pandemic where we’re asked to stay in the comfort of our home, and only venture out to buy groceries from supermarkets that would be fully stocked if people hadn’t panic bought supplies? If this is the worst event I’ve been through in my life then I am lucky.

I’ve learned two main things from the pandemic so far.

One: I didn’t need to stock up on any high-demand items because, as it turns out, I’ve been panic buying my whole life - I just didn’t know the official term for it so I called it ‘hoarding.’ You see, Mum Pham taught us to bulk buy items on sale to save money in the long-term. Buying full price is for chumps! I have at least 1-2 extra cans, bottles, packets, bags of… well, everything. When items started disappearing from shelves I still had at least a month’s supply of most things. Thanks Mum Pham.

Two: Humanity can work together to manage global issues. Sure, it has been hit and miss as governments and health experts figure out how best to respond to a super-infectious, fast-spreading virus. But entire countries are putting the economy and society on pause to save as many people’s lives as we can. Imagine what we can do when we work together to tackle other global issues like ocean plastic, air pollution, and destructive energy? That, of course, would require politicians to listen to other scientists the way they’ve listened to medical experts. While I don’t hold much hope that current governing powers will backflip on climate change, I have hope the future generations are seeing what we can do together, and when they’re in power they’ll make the tough decisions our current leaders aren’t making.

It’s hard to be the first person to say ‘I love you,’ which is why I recommend you tell people ‘you love me’ instead. It makes things way easier so long as you’re comfortable coming across like an arrogant jerk.

It works well in situations with your partner. Whenever I do anything annoying to Boyfriend Pham like squeezing his arm non-stop and aggressively because it’s a habit from my childhood to adulthood with Mum Pham’s arms, and he looks exasperated and is about to tell me to stop. I remind him ‘You love me!’ To which he sighs and says in defeated tones, ‘I know.’

I’m not the only arm-obsessive, Little Sissy Pham has the same arm squishing habit I do. You guys don’t understand, Mum Pham’s arms were the best to squeeze affectionately and sometimes aggressively. So satisfying!

‘You love me’ also works well with siblings. I’m constantly reminding Little Sissy Pham that she loves me just in case she forgets, especially while I’m doing my big sister duties and birth right to poke fun at her every chance that I get. Like that time I teased her lisp relentlessly until she learned how to pronounce ‘crocodile’ and ‘smile’ properly. Or that time pigeon-toed me made fun of her funny, out-turned waddle walk until she trained herself to walk with her feet pointed straight ahead. Ah, she loves me.

I love you. I was talking to my girlfriends about this heavily weighted sentence. Some of them are in long-term relationships, others are in new relationships or dating.

The first time Boyfriend Pham told me he loved me was in the car as I was dropping him off at home on his last day in our office. We were both upset and spent the car ride talking about our next chapter and what we should do. The first thing I had to do, however, was to go back to work so when I pulled up outside his place, I anticipated him saying bye and hopping out. Instead he said those words. I was so surprised I thought I’d misheard him so my response was, ‘Huh?’ (I know, facepalm, Jade!) He repeated himself and I told him, ‘I love you, too.’

Many people agonise over the right time and place to say this to someone new in their life. Me? I hadn’t thought about it before this moment because I don’t know how to relationship, as BF likes to remind me when I do some oddball thing people apparently don’t do in relationships. Boyfriend Pham? He felt it so he said it, which is a very him thing to do.

Other people are not so matter-of-fact about it. One friend wasn’t sure how to bring it up and for months wondered if now was the right time to say something. And when that time came and went and they didn’t have the nerve to say it in person, they wrote a lovely letter instead.

Some people don’t struggle to say I love you, but don’t know when to keep their mouth shut. A Tinder date who, after being broken up with, came to visit my friend at her place of work. Red flag! She again had to tell him things were over, yet he proceeded to casually call out ‘Love you!’ to her back as she was walking away. Red flag! Had never said it to her before then, and for good reason: They’d only been on a handful of dates and barely knew one another.

When you don’t know someone well, maybe don’t tell them you love them because it’s probably infatuation and you haven’t seen them in a rough patch yet. When you know someone and you adore the way they conduct themselves in good and bad situations, then you’re probably in love. And if you’re in love, there isn’t a bad time to tell your beloved. The sooner, the better. Love is special. Don’t keep it to yourself. We need to share it more with the world.

When I first moved in with Boyfriend Pham he was persistent to the point of being annoying that I keep up with my weekly dinner with the girls. Why was he so desperate to get me out of the house? What was he doing without me? Eating family packs of potato chips? Watching porn? He is supportive of Girls Night because he knows and has dated girls who didn’t have a close-knit friendship with other women so their worlds revolved, a little unhealthily, around their boyfriends.

Girls Night in practicality is a night in at one of our humble abodes where we wear cute Peter Alexander PJs (not me - too lazy to pack PJs), drink wine (except me - too allergic to alcohol), and order-in dinner. Girls Night in actuality is a sanctuary. A place where we feel safe to talk about anything and everything going on in our lives. We support one another whether it’s through sympathising and sharing a similar experience so our friends don’t feel alone in what they’re going through, or giving some tough love and sharing advice we know they won’t want to hear but need to.

There is no such thing as oversharing at Girls Night. We talk about bodily functions, our relationships and dating, growing or failing friendships, our career development and changes at work, our living situations, pets, parents, and family. Whatever is on our minds, gets aired at Girls Night to a room of supportive, loving friends.

While I call mine Girls Night, yours can take any shape or form. It could be a social sport, or nights out on the town, or a book club. If it’s frequent enough to be called a regular thing, then you’ve got yourself a Girls/Boys/Friends Night. A time to look forward to, somewhere to socialise, have fun and share whatever’s going on in your life with people who matter and care.

There was a 6 week break in my blog while I was doing the opposite of holidaying. First, there was a big work deadline that took over my life for a couple of weeks. Then I (and most of my team) was wiped out by a couldn't-see, couldn't-think, couldn't-function virus for a full two weeks - give or take a month either side for coughing fits. It was the second sickest I've ever been in my life; actual influenza was bone-achingly worse than this virus.

Our office is a disease incubator. The air conditioning doesn’t work so well to keep us cool in summer but it sure is great at spreading germs over the cooler months. I caught a cold in April that left me with a cough until early July when I didn’t get better - no, as a matter of fact, I got terribly worse.

I'd been lethargic and tired for weeks while I recovered from the latest outbreak. It took me 4 weeks to draft and publish Marco Polo because I couldn't think straight or find inspiration every time I sat down to finish it. I've had a new car for nearly two months and I hadn't told you about it!

Things are looking up though. I eased myself back into gym workouts; can't believe how quickly my muscles and stamina faded away. They also came back quickly. At the start of week 4 and I'm feeling fit and strong again, and motivated to write. Write. Write!

I have a new boy in my life; his name is Marco and he's my first ever brand new car. In case you haven't guessed from his name, this blog post title or the photo, he's a Volkswagen Polo. Named after Marco and Polo - the two crows that used to sit on the fence outside my bedroom / home office and keep me company while I worked from home and went stir crazy and started conversing with crows.

I've only ever driven second hand cars, and until the latest Getz all of them were bombs that Mum Pham and Dad Pham scrimped and saved to buy. Us Phamlings shared the cars because neither of our parents can drive. It was, how you say, the pits. Mum and Dad did so much to try and provide for us with the little they had. I wish Mum could see me now. I can afford a fancy European car that was Made in Germany like me!

I went with a VW Polo after my partner recommended it, and we rode in the back of his friend's GTI where I learned they've updated the chassis so it's not boxy and cramped like older models. It was the first car I test drove and the only one I test drove because I fell in instant love. Polos are a dream to drive. Everything is so well-made and has a luxe feel without the price tag. The Germans sure know good, efficient design. It is hands-down the best quality, small car in its price range ($19,999-$24,999 for the trendline with a few extras).

My Marco is so shiny, and new, and has so much tech that I was intimidated by him for the first couple of weeks until I finished reading the 400 page manual, of which, half wasn't relevant to my Marco because I got the basic, trendline model (still very fancy) but not feature packed liked the upgrades. Even so, after reading more information than I needed to, I understood Marco's tech isn't there to judge me for bad driving, it's there to assist me and keep me safe.

Except: I wish I didn't have him measuring me because I am obsessed with good stats (hence, fitness tracker life). I avoid zoomies in Marco even though he's so very fast to accelerate with his 1.0L Turbo engine. Gotta keep my eco stats high to stay fuel efficient! And that means accelerating steadily. Sigh. I refuse to use the stop/start engine; I know it's an eco feature to save fuel but I don't like the slight delay in accelerating and the jerk it adds to starting the car. Plus, I can't imagine it's good for the battery to stop/start so often in peak hour traffic.

I used to dress like a toddler's dream in glittery rainbow unicorn everything. Anything bright, colourful and shiny that caught my eye would join my wardrobe. Essentially, I dressed like I was destined to visit the Unicorn Store, and sometimes I still do but usually only on weekends. Last year my preferences changed so I went through a movie maker to make my colours less crazy, and more subtle.

After 30+ years on earth I wanted to dress more my age in the office. I mean, they say to dress the part and my part is no longer new kid on the block, I'm in a senior role because I got old and gained experience. Suddenly I'm in a position where I don't feel comfortable wearing short Garfield dresses or fruity tops and bottoms or fruit in general to work.

This change was also spurred by watching my boyfriend go to a new job looking sharp in dress pants and a button-up every day. There's something nice about looking smart. Then when he got a work uniform, seeing him come home and change into his casual clothes to relax was also very appealing. I haven't really had that separation between work me and home me for most of my life because I've worked in street fashion and music where casual clothes is the uniform. Most people probably wish they could be more themselves at work. Me? I wish I was less homely at work.

These days I've added clean lines, simpler patterns, and solid colours to my work wardrobe. I found a nicely cut, plain dress that I bought in three colourways that I call my 'work uniform.' And have some mix and match tops and skirts so I don't always wear the same outfit to work. I still get the urge to buy bright colours, clashing prints and crazy patterns but when I do, I remind myself I barely wear my current unicorn clothes anymore. Movie makeovers don't happen overnight but they do happen. For me, it took about 6 months to slowly gather work wardrobe staples until one day I realised I hadn't dressed like a kid at work in weeks. Look at me... finally growing up.

I find social media to be quite social, and not dehumanising like naysayers say. Unless it's Tinder and I don't understand why people are so weird and gross. I guess it's because I use social media to connect with people, and see what they share about their lives instead of, you know, trolling strangers because I am unhappy with myself, feel disconnected from humanity, and lack the community that humans evolved from.

I've stayed in touch with interstate friends who I probably would have lost touch with over time. I see their latest life updates so I don't feel like I'm completely out of the loop the next time we catch up in person. I've reconnected with some awesome people I had lost touch with like The Other Phams. They wouldn't have found me otherwise, especially since I legally acquired an English first name since leaving school.

I've gotten jobs from LinkedIn and Facebook. I've hired from Twitter and Instagram. I got my current job via a Facebook status asking for job leads. I ended up meeting with the CEO and two department heads, then they created a role to suit my skills, and over 3.5 years later this is the longest I've stayed in anyone role.

I date a Perth boy so his friends and family got to know me through Facebook, Instagram and FaceTime long before I met many of them in person. We'd been living together for months by the time I met his parents. This Easter I went to Perth mainly to meet Rex, his brother the cutest and fluffiest German shepherd; but also to meet the many faces I've seen online for over a year. Social media is a good starting point but it's always nice to take life offline sometimes to add real friends.

You guys I am such a grown up now. This year at Not So Single Ladies Galentine's Day, we went to a fancy restaurant and by fancy I mean I didn't wear sneakers.

We went for a lovely dinner at Persone in the city where I felt out of place because I'm a child of poor refugees, and tend to save my money, not eat it - so my thoughts went something like this: Should my bum be allowed on this luscious lounge? This cloth napkin is too nice to sully, I'll wipe my mouth on the tissues in the my bag. Does anybody know what cutlery should be used first? Is it weird to ask to take the balloon heart on our table? We totally took the heart on the table.

Even though Persone has fancy interior and brilliant view of the cityscape, it's affordable for the quality of food you get, and the decor. We wined and dined, and watched the awkward, or quiet, or bored dates around us. The only other table who seemed to have fun was a big group of men and one lady who seemed like an office party. Gosh, Valentine's Day is a sham.

The one time a year men feel obliged to treat their ladies special by taking them to a nice Italian restaurant, and playing on their phones or sitting in silence. One hetero and one gay couple seemed to enjoy the experience and their partners that night. The rest of the tables in our view were a little depressing.

I like that my boyfriend could not give a shit about a commercial holiday. I like that I don't spend Valentine's Day on forced dates. I instead surround myself with the strong, funny and intelligent women in my life and we catch up on each other's wins and hurdles, and most hilarious stories since we last all caught up on Galentine's Day. Cheers to another year gal pals. Love you long time.

This year didn't start out so great, but overall it has been a fun year. Some of my (blog) highlights are:

1. I learned I'm a mouth breathing, noisy eater.
2. I kept up my weekly dance but not dance-dance classes Groove Therapy with Wanida Serce. Though, I didn't keep up with ballet because I moved to another part of town. Instead I'm going to sign up to the local gym next week. Shock-horror.
3. I got to see a Vietnamese American actress star in a western teen movie for the first time - To All The Boys I've Loved Before. Time's are changing y'all.
4. I got a new phone, and I didn't know it has automatic face blur on the selfie camera for the past 9 months even though in the original post, you can clearly see how crispy the front facing camera is compared to the self-facing camera. D'oh.
5. But of course, my top highlight, is living with the boyfriend who makes every day extra fun.

It might seem a bit impulsive to move out with someone I'd been dating for only a few months, but the beginnings of our friendship then courtship then relationship happened during some very trying times at work where we met.

I got to see how he handled himself in a tense situation and I fell in love with what I saw. He kept his cool and showed more integrity than I could have mustered given his circumstances. I was ready to rage-quit on principle, which would have been way more impulsive than moving in together so quickly. Boyfriend, being the level-headed person he is, convinced me to use my head and not my outraged moral compass. Another thing I love about him - he's got my back and always looks out for me. Except in his sleep when he sometimes accidentally punches me in the face (he vehemently denies this but I never woke up with a swollen nose when I slept alone for all of my life so...).

I'm grateful we went through tough times early on - it made us closer and I gained immense respect for him. I know him better than most people I've known for years. People show their true colours when they're under pressure.

It all worked out for the best. If we still worked together we wouldn't have moved in together; and if he hadn't left when he did, he wouldn't have found his current dream role. The only downside is we work on opposite sides of town now and live in between, so these days I don't dawdle at work or hang out with the crew 'cause I'm rushing home to meet my favourite person in the middle.

I cried so hard watching To All The Boys I've Loved Before on Netflix this week, a film based on the book by Jenny Han, which I haven't read yet but the trilogy is now on my to-read list.

I was embarrassed because it's such a sweet and funny TEEN movie so I didn't understand my feels. Why so emotional about a cute teen coming of age story? That night I went to bed still thinking about the film. The next morning I rewatched it because I'd enjoyed it so much the first time and also to see if I could figure out what about it intrigued me so.

I related to a film that had close to zero resemblance to any part of my life as a frumpy, grumpy, anti-social teenager. If anything, adult me is more like the lead character - I'm sensible yet emotionally naive and found myself in a 'second best / fake best' situation with a boy. But that's not why I loved the film so much.

As a tween I used to obsessively write fictional stories with teen girls as the lead characters. I have no idea if they were any good and they are all long gone because I wrote them on a typewriter and those pieces of paper were probably trashed by Dad Pham. He always threw out our homework as kids. I never realised until now that all of my fictional characters were white. That was all I read in books as a kid, that was all I knew. Representation is so important.

Watching To All The Boys I've Loved Before, I cried for younger me who would have admired and adored an Asian-American character like Lara Jean. I cried for what I missed out growing up, that feeling of belonging and acceptance. I cried because younger generations like my nieces will have books and films like this and realise they have a place in this world. They are not 'other', they are not invisible. I am so grateful to Jenny Han and Netflix and Lana Condor (who has Vietnamese heritage - woo)! Fingers crossed the other books in this series get adapted for film.

I'm going to see the movie Crazy Rich Asians on opening night with my (Not So) Single Ladies Valentine's Day Birthday posse. Wish me luck. I bet I'm going to cry like a baby.