I was a wreck the first six weeks with Baby Pham. The anxiety and fear and worry over keeping Baby alive and thriving was crippling. I've never experienced anxiety before. Sure, I've been nervous before big life milestones or changes, but I've never had my nerves shake me to the point where they impacted my decision-making and actions (or inaction). 

Simple things I did before suddenly became overwhelming with the added baby logistics - pram, car seat, carrier, nappies, outfit changes, bibs, bottles. The rational side of me knew millions of parents did this every day. The irrational side of me couldn't see how I could possibly manage it. 

The lack of sleep didn't help, but I don't think that was the main factor. I was full of raging hormones and while I had wild hormones during pregnancy, I only had to care about feeding and sleeping myself then. Postpartum I had a tiny, fragile human whose life literally depended on me being switched on because he hadn't yet learned how to feed and poop and sleep outside the safety of a womb. The pressure of this responsibility crushed me. 

My main outings with Baby were to his medical appointments. Baby was thriving despite his reflux while Mum was struggling with her mental health. 

Our GP told me to get out of the house, the more I do it, the easier it will get. Sounds simple enough, yet felt unachievable to me at the time. The child health nurses gave me a plethora of support services for new parents after I made it to a drop-in clinic without Boyfriend Pham for the first time and burst into tears. Boyfriend Pham had accompanied us all the other times but he was back in the office by then. 

The main message I understood was to "Find your village" and connect with the community. I always thought this meant family and friends but being isolated on the Northside of Brisbane I didn't have my Southside siblings around. Instead, I ended up signing up for a bunch of different services and connected with other new parents in my local area. 

My all-time favourite has been the Pregnancy Counselling Link's Koala Joeys Program which was recommended to me by a Girl's Night friend. Baby Pham and I went religiously every week. The only times we skipped was when one of us (usually both of us) was sick. 

Peach Tree in Nundah was another sanity saver. I went to their parents and bubs yoga until Baby Pham got too active and disruptive to the classes. But while he was barely crawling, it was bliss being able to stretch and relax my tense muscles with yoga while he played on a playmat or lay beside my yoga mat. 

Queensland Health provided a number of services that are opt-in.  I joined a mother's group where they connected a bunch of us who had babies within a month of each other and lived in the general area. I also opted in for their Circle of Security program because Little Sissy Pham recommended it having gone through the learning with her bub. 

All of is lengthy post is to say, find local support programs near you. It helped me get out of the postpartum depression hole I was in, and I've made a few mum friends who I plan to stay in touch with once I'm no longer on parental leave.