KEEP IT IN THE PHAMLY: Phamly Life

The first time we came to Brisbane from Germany, The Phamly didn't have the best run. We were renting a house on Wedgetail Street, around the corner from where Dad Pham and Big Brother Pham now live. I don't remember much of the time here - I was only 5 and the memories are flashes of scenery or moments that don't make sense because I'm missing context.

What I know is that something bad happened, and Mum Pham moved us away to Melbourne to be near her side of The Phamly after only 6 months in Brisbane. Mum and Dad never went into it when we were kids. But decades later, I'd learn it was because one of our relatives was a struggling heroin addict at the time and stole jewellery and cash from us for their habit. There was a big fight and Dad conceded to move The Phamly to Melbourne to be closer to Mum's side of the family.

I clearly remember one of the items that was stolen: Mum's jade bird necklace. It wasn't of much value compared to other heirlooms that were stolen but I loved that necklace. I used to play with it when Mum held me to her chest as a baby. It was of a bird in flight - similar to how children draw birds in the sky as two arched lines with curved tips. A plump version that was curved to a natural rock formation and polished with gold chain tassels on the tail. I've never been able to find anything close to the design. Maybe one day I will stumble across the original. It's somewhere in Brisbane still, I hope.

Since the initial robbery that made us up and move to Melbourne, my parents have helped bail this person out of other debts too. When I learned about everything that went down, my uni years suddenly made more sense. This relative used to visit us and would often sneak me a bit of cash for 'being a good girl.' I realise now they felt indebted to my parents and wanted to give something back once they were in a good place and could help.

Life would have been very different if we hadn't moved to Melbourne. But we did. And that's a story for next time.

- THE END -

If you want to start from the beginning of Phamly history, read:
Part 1 - O Captain! My Captain! Dad Pham's navy days during the Vietnam War.
Part 2 - P.O.W. Viet Cong Re-education Camp Dad Pham's time as a prisoner of war.
Part 3 - Living with Viet Cong Mum Pham's experience with communism.
Part 4 - Boat People Dad Pham seeks refuge after the war.
Part 5 - Finding Faith Dad finds peace.
Part 6 - When Herr met Frau - Dad Pham meets Mum Pham.
Part 7 - Life in Germany: the early years - Dad Pham sets up life in Germany.
Part 8 - Life in Germany: the later years - Dad gets sick, Mum steps up.
Part 9 - Getting ready for Australia - Mum Pham is on a mission.
Part 10 - Coming to Australia - My first memories of Australia.
Part 11 - Live in Brisbane the first time - The story of why we left Brisbane.
Part 12 - Moving to Melbourne - First impressions.
Part 13 - Life in Melbourne - Dad Pham - The good old days.
Part 14 - The Other Phams - Our neighbours in Melbourne were Phams too.
Part 15 - Life in Melbourne - Mum Pham - Our Sunday Phamly traditions began in Melbourne.
Part 16 - Cats On A Train - Moving to Brisbane
Part 17 - Sleepwalking Scare - Moving to Brisbane continued
Part 18 - A House in Brisbane - Moving to Brisbane continued some more

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It's Phamly tradition to sleepover at Dad Pham's house for the Eurovision finale. This year it happened to be Dad's birthday weekend so it was double the fun. On Saturday, he invited his siblings over for lunch and Little Sissy Pham and I made Vietnamese Pancakes - it's the only recipe I've ever posted on this blog because writing recipes is too much like my day job and blog writing is self indulgent fun. For 70 and 80 year olds, they sure know how to party. My Aunty rocked up with more beer than she could carry. Lunching, drinking and chats went for 4+ hours - Little Sis bowed out and went home before any of the elder folk. Dad Pham was exhausted by the time everyone left but he had a blast because it's rare for him to see his siblings all together.

After lunch, I sat with Dad for a couple of hours just chatting. It's been a long time since I've had proper downtime with Dad. Mostly we grocery shop, and cook so our hangs are chore driven. I'll save his stories from today for another time.

That night, I made more pancakes for Big Brother Pham and Sister Not-in-Law. It was a fun time. I was so pooped after a whole day of cooking and hosting, I feel asleep early that night. I slept in the lounge room because Big Brother Pham's tools have taken over what was once my bedroom. Guess that's what happens when you leave home, your room becomes storage.

The next morning I awoke to Dad Pham beaming down at me at 4.40am. He woke me up early because he expected to have to come back and wake me up again like he usually does. But this time, I popped right up - went and made a coffee and set up snacks on the coffee table. Then we settled in for 3.5 hours of Eurovision glory.

This year was not a disappointment. The majority of the songs were decent tunes and we couldn't pick who the top songs would be. Australia totally tanked this year - the novelty of having Australia in the competition is gone and while Jessica Mauboy's song was good, it didn't stand out against the stiff competition. I didn't love the winning song - I thought it was different and quirky, but so ridiculous. I guess that's Eurovision for you, though. Here are my highlights from this year.

Dad's top pick was Sweden's Benjamin Ingrosso with "Dance You Off":

I thoroughly enjoyed good old fashioned power pop from Lea Sirk from Slovenia with "Hvala, ne!" but it's way to cool to actually win Eurovision:

This is the type of crazy that wins Eurovision - Netta with "Toy" took out the gong for Israel:

It's rare I like the French entry but this year they were all class with Madame Monsieur "Mercy":

Finally, I have a thing for Vikings so Denmark make my highlights list. Oh, hellooo Rasmussen with "Higher Ground":

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I don't remember leaving Germany. I don't remember the flights to Singapore then Brisbane. But I do remember the very first time Brisbane's heavy, humidity hit me in my chubby little face because it felt like a clinically obese cat had pounced on my chest and I suddenly had trouble breathing when I stepped out of the plane. I stood there gasping in air until Dad Pham lead me down the steps onto the tarmac. After the initial shock, I was fine. Well, for now. We went inside and met Dad's eagerly waiting Phamly.

Dad Pham tells me they took us back to our new rental home on Wedgetail Street in Inala, around the corner from where Dad lives now. I don't remember the ride back from the airport though.

My next memory of Australia is crying alone on a sofa. I had been crying for a long time so the adults had left me alone because I was inconsolable and everything else they had tried only made me cry harder. Dad and Mum Pham don't know why I was crying so hard. I was only 4 years old and couldn't possibly understand what was going on. Maybe part of me knew everything was different now.

I remember my cousin came out to offer me a bag of peanut m&ms. I took them and ate them - still sobbing. I fell asleep on the couch exhausted hugging the bag of chocolates, and so began my love affair with my favourite, guilty pleasure comfort food. Peanut m&ms is how I cope with all life trauma now. Except for watching A Quiet Place. Boy-oh, did I regret bringing a loud snack into the cinema - oh how I longed to munch on them to cope with the stress of living the brilliant story, but I couldn't because the cinema was dead silent.

- THE END -

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Uncle 10 on mum's side moved to Melbourne, Australia from Germany before we did, and told Mum and Dad Pham that in Australia they have plenty of Vietnamese foods in comparison to Germany, which had next to none at the time. Our cousin benefited from this gap in the marketing, she opened up a highly successful Asian grocer in a small town in Germany. It's the only place you can get Asian food items in the area.

Mum and Dad were sold when they heard that Australia was warm enough to grow many of the herbs, fruits and vegetables from back home. They decided to migrate to Australia...because food. There was one catch. Mum's weight meant she didn't pass the medical requirements and Australia wouldn't accept their application because health concerns - they didn't want her to be a burden on the system. Boy oh, they didn't realise Dad Pham was a bigger concern there. More on that at a later date.

Mum Pham blames me for getting fat. When she was pregnant with me all she wanted to eat was pho. All that delicious soupy noodle made her bloated, and then getting pregnant again less than two months later with Little Sissy Pham didn't help. In order to apply to migrate to Australia, Mum needed to drop over 15kg. On a scale of stroll in the markets to fleeing a war torn country, losing weight was on the easier side.

She began by eating nothing but salads, and I vaguely remember making her laugh by laying down to do leg-ups with her. My fat baby gut must have looked hilarious trying to do core exercises. Mum Pham worked her ass off within weeks and went back to get her medical approved. In case you're wondering how this story ends, I'm sitting on a couch in Brisbane, Australia as I write feeling guilty that I can't lose and keep 5kg off to stay in a healthy weight range, while Mum Pham tortured herself with lettuce meals morning, noon and night to get fit enough to move her Phamly to the other side of the world.

I am always so grateful to her for all the things she did for us. I honour this by stuffing my face stupid on all the glorious Vietnamese foods in Inala where I take Dad Pham shopping every weekend. We cook mostly Vietnamese food for Phamly dinner too. Mum would be proud.

- THE END -

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I got sidetracked from my Dad Series because of our Phamly Reunion in Europe last September. Though, thanks to that trip I learned a bit more about my parents' life in Germany. The early years were tough because they had been all about settling in and learning their new country. The later years were tough because that’s when Dad Pham got sick.

Long Lost German Cousin told us of mum’s hardship. Mum Pham gave up trying to study to pharmacy. She’d graduated in Vietnam but her degree wasn’t valid in Germany, and also she had to learn the hardest and harshest sounding language I’ve ever heard to complete her studies in her new home. She did work for a short time at a pharmacy but it didn’t work out. Things were too much for her to manage since she had to take care of Dad who was in and out of hospital for schizophrenia nearly a dozen times during this period, and she was also caring for three young children in a country that was foreign to her, on next to no budget because poor refugees.

I look at the luxuries our Phamly can afford now - Big Brother Pham and Little Sissy Pham are homeowners, Dad Pham can afford takeout meals, I can afford to spend extra for more ethical items instead of all the no-name branded things we lived on as kids. I wish Mum Pham knew how well she’d set us up for life during her hardships to make the burden feel worth her while. The struggle she must have felt, wondering how she would get her family through the next days, weeks, and months - and not knowing whether this would be forever.

Cousin said she never wavered no matter the trials life threw at her. He remembers life was stressful for her, but she never let it impact others. Mum had the kindest heart of anyone I’ve ever met, but it didn’t make her soft or maybe that’s where her strength came from; she needed to be strong to care for everyone. She was steadfast, and determined - admirable traits that she tried to pass onto me but, alas, I’m more stubborn and annoying. Close, but not quite.

Back in Germany, we walked the streets where Mum used to push two babies in a pram (Little Sissy Pham and me) while Big Brother Pham clung to her side. The locals pitied Mum, the poor Asian lady with three young kids. The whole time we were in our hometown, we only saw two other Asian people who weren’t our relatives. Back then, Asian people would have been so new and different and rare for the locals. One time, Mum told us Big Brother Pham strayed from her because he was always running off as a tiny tot but a German lady returned him to her, because she was so obviously the only person in the mall who could be related to a little Vietnamese boy.

Mum & Dad gloss over the trying parts of their lives with us kids, so I’m grateful our Long Lost German Cousin lived with them in Germany. He was old enough to remember the way things were. I have next to no memories of Germany, it is a blur to Big Brother Pham - we mostly only remember our childhoods in Australia. Which I will cover next in my Dad Series.

- THE END -

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Dad Pham dreamt of us kids before we were born. Each dream came to reflect our personalities and lives. It could be coincidence, or it could be something else. Interpret the dreams as you wish.

Big Brother Pham
Before Big Brother Pham was born, Dad had a dream that he was standing in the open under a dark and stormy sky. God told him he was expecting a son, and the son would be his close friend, yet being trials and hardship to his life.

True to his dream, Big Brother is Dad's friend and also the child with the most difficult life. It impacted Dad and The Phamly a lot in our early years. Though, now the storm has finally passed and Big Brother and Dad Pham are living together and having the best time.

Big Sissy Pham (Me)
I, of course, was the most difficult of his dreams. Dad dreamt it was night time and he was crawling on his belly, deep in mud under barbed wire - he was cut from getting caught on the wires and bleeding. Ahead he could see a building with its lights on, which he instinctively knew he had to reach. As he pulled himself further and further, the wire got lower and lower until it was ripping him open. He started vomitting blood.

When he finally reached the building, he crawled up the steps to the building where, exhausted and bleeding, he found a room full of Vietnamese boys and a single Western woman wearing leopard print - he knew instantly she was strong, difficult and the boss. He had to choose between the boys and the girl. He picked me.

I bet he regretted his decision in my early teens to early twenties when I butted heads with my parents over their Vietnamese cultural beliefs and my Westernised ways. These days, I use my knowledge of Western culture to make sure Dad gets the best of both worlds - his Vietnamese roots and the benefits of living in Australia, instead of clashing with him. Cultures can co-exist, it's not one or the other - I saw the world as too black & white when I was younger.

Little Sissy Pham
When Little Sissy Pham was conceived, Dad dreamt he was by the sea when a German man in a formal suit told him he'd have a boy. The man then transformed into a half shark / half frog creature and hopped away across the water.

Now Little Sissy is a boy so the dream was somewhat wrong, except for the part where she identified as a boy until her mid-teen years. Whenever we role played games as kids, I would be the princess and she would be the distress. I also had to refer to her as Brother in Vietnamese. Though these days she's girlier than I am.

Little Brother Pham
Dad never had any dreams of our little brother. Before Mum came to term, she slipped on ice and fell hard - we lost our little brother who was stillborn.

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Big Brother Pham’s PhamLe moved in with Dad Pham at the end of last year, and Dad couldn’t be happier. Well, maybe he could - he keeps telling me to move home now that Little Sissy Pham has settled down with a partner. But, well, the fool went and got an adorable kitten so I won’t be leaving any time soon.

Dad Pham gets to see his grandchildren every day, and his favourite (read: only) son too. I still take Dad for his weekly grocery shop and cook Phamly dinner with him because that’s our time. But now he has someone to check in on him regularly throughout the week, and it’s nice he has the companionship without having to share his roof - he likes his independence.

After Xmas lunch this year, I was talking to him about his new living arrangement and he is so happy. Some mornings he doesn’t speak to them, but he’ll watch for them out the window when they leave for school or work, and that’s enough to make him smile. His favourite time of day is when the girls have their bath time. From his bedroom where he listens to his radio at night, he can hear the girls laughing and playing in the tub in their house. He doesn’t understand what they’re saying, but hearing their laughter makes him happy.

Grandparents are the sweetest.

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I went from no cats for nearly 3 years to suddenly two beautifully adorable and different kitties. Nolan Pham, I live with and he’s an absolute bundle of joy. Sprite is Big Brother Pham’s cat and lives with Dad Pham because the granddaughters love - but are allergic to - cats. She's also called Splat just because.

Sprite’s origin story is not as tragic as Nolan’s was, but it’s still a little sad. As a kitty she belonged to an elderly lady who passed away. The lady’s family inherited Sprite but they weren’t cat people so she ran away. Sprite ventured into Big Brother Pham’s yard one day where she met my Sister-In-Law and never left. At the time they just called her Cat.

Cat kept returning every day, and at first, they thought she belonged to the new neighbours but eventually figured out she was no one’s cat and living in Big Brother Pham’s garage. Slowly, they began to feed her and soon she felt like part of The PhamLe.

Cat injured herself one day, and Sister-In-Law arranged a vet appointment where she learned Cat’s given name is ridiculously girly and didn’t suit this solemn, gentle, docile cat so she remained Cat. She was adopted out by the RSPCA 4 years ago, and had no record of vet appointments since then. Sister-In-Law wanted to adopt Cat but didn’t want to get her children’s hopes up in case her old family came for her, so Cat remained a visitor that they loved, fed and cared for.

Sure enough, a month later a family with young kids rocked up to the house to claim Cat. We thought it was goodbye forever until the next day when Cat came right back to The PhamLe and stayed for another couple of months. Just as Sister-In-Law was starting to think maybe Cat’s unwanted family weren’t coming back, they rocked up for the second time and took her. And again, Cat ditched them and came right back to The PhamLe. This time though, we knew her old family were moving away to regional QLD soon, and held our breath for days hoping they wouldn’t come and take her for the move. They did not. And so, Cat was given her Phamly name: Sprite. The young nieces think she’s named for fairies but, really, eldest niece really likes the fizzy drink. But Sprite is hard for kids to say so now she's also called Splat.

When Big Brother Pham moved next door to Dad Pham, we weren’t sure if she was attached to their old house or to The PhamLe so still there was hesitation about making her officially one of us. The first day she was, understandably, stressed going from an outdoor roaming cat to being confined in Dad’s house while we moved Bro’s life into his house. But next day, Sprite was already exploring the house, and a couple of days later she was adventuring around her new yard. Dad’s house has a cat door because of Tigger Pham back in the day, so she can come and go as she pleases. And she strangely chooses to stay indoors for most of the day, unless the girls or Sister-In-Law are outside and she goes to say hi.

She’s got a good, comfortable little life now - indoors, outdoors, constant companionship because Dad Pham is almost always home and if not, her PhamLe is just next door and they visit her throughout the day. When I sleepover, she kindly lets me sleep in my old room while she curls up at my feet. Adorable.

I love cats!

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Finally, I am a cat lady again by way of aunty and roommate to an adorable kitten. Still too irresponsible to be a cat mum. Nolan Pham. This little nugget of joy came into our lives in November last year. His origin story isn't a great one.

A piece of human garbage went and put him in a plastic bag, and threw him in a bin. It makes me livid to think of how many animals die abandoned in horrible ways like being thrown in the bin, rivers, left on the side of a road - it's not much more effort and way less cruel to surrender them to an animal shelter.

Little Sissy Pham drove to Toowoomba to meet another kitten named Ava, who was adorable in pictures but didn't like Little Sis when they met. So Little Sis had a play with the other kittens the foster mum was caring for. Ava was there with a few others from her litter, and none of them clicked with Little Sis. Instead, it was the lone wolf of the pack - Nolan, who chose her as his human. He was separated from his litter.

Poor Nolan was found alone sadly, but in a way he was lucky to be alone because his independent streak is what Little Sis wanted. A kitty who can handle being home alone during work days. Nolan is definitely an independent cat, but also affectionate and likes to be around his humans when they’re home - or wander off to play his own games if we’re being too boring. He pretty much owns every room and surface in the apartment and courtyard now, so while he may not have had the brightest of beginnings, he's in for a great life being adored by his Phamly.

I’ve missed having a kitty in The Phamly. And now we have two! I’ll tell you about Sprite, Big Brother Pham’s cat, another time. Her origin story is a little sad too.

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I sometimes wonder what our lives would be like if Mum Pham and Dad Pham had stayed in Germany.

Our Sunday Phamly dinners wouldn't be just it - it'd be with my Aunties & Uncles. I would grow up close to and mentored by Aunty 9's daughter - she's a kindred spirit, I can tell. Big Brother Pham would grow up close to Aunty 9's son, and our Long Lost German Cousin would have guided him along an easier life path than the one he took. I'm not sure who Little Sissy Pham would be close to - she'd be the darling of both sides of the Pham being the youngest, and also adorable. We'd all speak fluent German and OK Vietnamese and bad English if any.

My career path would be different. I'd probably still be a writer, I was always a quiet, pondering introvert even as a kid - but maybe with my creative cousin, I'd have pursued writing and design instead of math & science, which left me in the middle ground once I realised I wanted to work in a creative field, and had no skills to hone. Or perhaps, I would have been more social growing up, and not living in my own world in my head so wouldn't have developed my writing skills - instead, I could be building fast cars or aeroplanes, which was my other interest as a teen. Or it could be totally different again - who knows what opportunities Europe has that Australia doesn't.

It's strange to think that instead of moving to Melbourne for work, I would have moved to Berlin or Barcelona or Amsterdam instead. I doubt I'd have stayed in the small town some of our relatives still live in. A lot are still in Germany in different parts of the country though.

Ah well, what if... but things didn't happen that way, and if they did I wouldn't have my gorgeous nieces or all the people in my life that I love. It's just fun to ponder sometimes.

- THE END -

EUROPE TRAVEL SERIES

Phamly Reunion

Back in Germany
Aunty 9's Kids
Aunty 9
Aunty 6's Kids
Mum's Passing
Aunty Van's Kids
Both sides of The Phamly
What if...

Europe 2017

Tinder in Europe vs. Australia
Paris
Barcelona
Marseille & Nice
Monaco & the French Riviera
Italy
Geneva
Berlin
Prague

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Mum Pham and Dad Pham were the human manifestations of 'opposites attract.' When we visited both sides of our Phamly in Europe it was interesting to see that their opposing traits run on their respective bloodlines.

Dad has always been physically fit and active and capable. Mum was never into sports or fitness and her activity was gardening. I am a combo of the two. I try to be active like Dad, but I have the 'Mum gene' as we call it - making me quite uncoordinated and dopey at all physical activity. I can see why Mum wasn't into physical activities, the mum gene makes everything a potential health hazard. Little Sissy Pham is the opposite combo to me. She has Dad's physique and was good at sports as a kid, though now prefers to sit on the couch with her cat and laptop - like Mum used to do.

When we met with Mum's side of The Phamly, it was a lot of sitting down for meals and talking - Mum's favourite things. Then when Dad's side caught up with us, there was lots of outdoor activity and walking around tourist sites - Dad's favourite things.

Dad's side are all physically fit, and conversation got heated when they talked politics. I don't know about the German side, but back home there a family feuds and little spats that Dad tells me about every now and then. Mum's side were are placid and soft spoken, and conflict isn't thing - everyone gets along with everyone else.

It makes me wonder what other family traits run through bloodlines and upbringing without people realising. It's so strange! And cool!

Keep it in The Phamly.
A post shared by Jade (@thephamly) on Aug 30, 2017 at 11:36am PDT

- THE END -

EUROPE TRAVEL SERIES

Phamly Reunion

Back in Germany
Aunty 9's Kids
Aunty 9
Aunty 6's Kids
Mum's Passing
Aunty Van's Kids
Both sides of The Phamly
What if...

Europe 2017

Tinder in Europe vs. Australia
Paris
Barcelona
Marseille & Nice
Monaco & the French Riviera
Italy
Geneva
Berlin
Prague

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Aunty Van is Dad Pham’s late sister. I wish we’d had the chance to reunite because she loved us dearly when we were tiny tots. I think she'd be happy to see us all grown up. She used to play tug-of-war with Mum Pham and Aunty 9 back in the day. Aunty Van happened to live in the same building as Aunty 9 but a few levels higher. So Mum Pham would come to visit her sister on the lower level, then Dad Pham would visit his sister on the upper level. Mum would go up and get us from Aunty Van's house, then a little while later Aunty Van would send her daughters down to retrieve us, then Mum would go back up and get us.

Aunty Van bathed us every week as kids. I always thought that a little strange but never questioned it. It wasn't until we went to our old house we learned that when our Phamly first moved in there was no heated water so mum used to have to boil water on the stove to bathe us. But it was difficult with three young kids so we bathed at our aunties house. Later heating and hot water were installed but Dad was tight with the moneys - he was still saving and sending money back home - so we all had coughs and colds when we were tiny tots. Brisbane would have been such a stark change from the German weather.

Aunty Van's kids include the Long Lost German Cousin (Anh D) who I connected with on Facebook a couple of years back. Yes! We finally got to meet him and hug him and learn about his time with The Phamly in Germany. Anh D and his sisters Chi N & Chi G all took time off work to come and meet us in our hometown because they are living legends. He brought his whole family along too so we got to see how his life turned out.

Our cousins took us back to our old apartment near the town centre. While we were hovering outside the main door, a lady entered the building and after our cousins explained that we were visiting from the other side of the world and used to live here, she kindly let us in to have a look around. I made Little Sissy Pham pose at the base of the stairs she tumbled down as a kid - Mum loved that story. She put Little Sissy down while she locked the door, next minute she turns around and her 2 year old is rolling down the stairs - Mum has a panic attack of course but Little Sissy just stands up like nothing has happened ‘cause she’s all rugged up in so many winter layers.

I wish Big Brother Pham could have come with us - maybe for the next trip over. He is four years older than me and old enough to remember Germany and our cousins. Anh D told us how hectic Big Bro used to be as a kid - always hyper and running around and jumping on sofas and beds. He used to drive Anh D's dad insane because his dad was super strict and children were to be seen, not heard. Whereas Mum & Dad Pham let us run amok our whole lives, only guiding us if we ever went food far but really it's their fault I have such an independent and stubborn streak - no rules for me! Hopefully Anh D comes to Australia once his kids are older and we can show him the same hospitality.