KEEP IT IN THE PHAMLY

I can't be without my hand sanitiser… is not something I ever thought I'd say. Who knew the girl who had dirt throwing fights, ate off the floor and rarely bathed as a kid would grow up to list hand sanitiser as an essential?

It all started last year when I worked in a big office with hundreds of other people for the first time. I finally had a real-life reason to say, 'We're not in Kansas anymore, Toto.' Nobody heard me but one of the office guys noticed my face and asked if I was okay. No, I wasn't. I was distressed at working in a massive Matrix-like office and was praying in my head that a detached voice on a mobile phone would tell me to climb out the window and escape. But, no, I was now one of the worker ants.

Commuting on a train with hundreds of other humans then being shoved in office with hundreds more made me instantly ill. I'd come from working in large spaces with few people to large spaces with too many people. Little Sissy Pham who's learned the ways of modern office life made me get hand sanitiser - she prefers Purell hand sanitiser because it absorbs better but I got Dettol because it was in a rack by the check-out in Big W. Public transport, shared toilets, elevator buttons, ATM buttons, escalators arms... if you touch it too, sanitise! Sanitise! At least, until your immune system toughens up a bit. I'm back to a larger space with fewer people so I don't need to sanitise 100 times a day but I still carry a bottle with me, just in case. It came in handy the other week when my pal needed to do a stealth bush-wee.

I learned to touch type on a typewriter. It means I'm old but not as old as you're thinking. There were computers around but being a poor Phamly we didn't get a computer until Big Brother Pham turned 15 and got a job.

Big Brother bought our first think-box but Dad Pham bought my first typewriter. He found it at a garage sale because he was always buying things from garage sales whether we used them or not. Nobody asked for or needed a typewriter but that's never stopped him. His latest buy is an electric drill that he has no use for but still loves.

I was drawn to the typewriter. As soon as I saw it, I knew it was going to be mine. Little me used to write stories all the time and this was a shiny, new way to present my words. I didn't touch type at first because I didn't know there was such a thing. But one of my many IT cousins (why do I have so many cousins in IT?) saw me sitting at the typewriter with my two index and middle fingers and showed me how to be a lady. Okay, nobody ever showed me how to be a lady - Mum gave up before she started; I remember the exact moment her hopes died when I came home after a day well spent sliding down a dirt hill on my arse in a brand new polka dot skirt. Anyhoo, I picked up touch typing fast.


The only problem with learning on a typewriter is that to this day I still punch my keyboards with the vigour I needed to impress ink. Sometimes it sounds like I'm trying to murder my keyboard. This rad moo cow patterned keyboard cover softens the blow. It has put my touch typing to the test because while it looks super awesome, some of the keys are hard to read with red on black print. I had to memorise a couple of function buttons at the top but otherwise, I've still got it. Weehee!

I bought this from my good friend, eBay.

Sometimes I do random stuff like make potato chip trees, become a vegetarian after talking with a mosquito, write a letter to a cat pretending to be a cat... the list goes on. But there is one thing that you can always rely on me to do and that is SHINY THINGS.

People at work have already figured out that anything bright, multi-colour, highly flammable or reflective that comes through our office will make my beady little Asian eyes light up. When the Supra x A-morir appeared, I fell in shoe-love but almost didn't get them just to spite the guys for predicting that I'd get them... but who was I kidding? These shoes are so me!


I mean, just look at the crazy cats at A-morir. I imagine if I had adoptive parents, these two would be them. They've applied double-sided sequin to the Supra WMNS Skytop so I can choose to flip 'em on the black for darker days or flip 'em back for more gold on brighter days. My fave part is the little peep hole at the back of the ankle.

You can get 'em from my work www.culturekings.com.au and before you weird purists get on my back for promoting work stuff, I bought these shoes because I love them and recommend them!

I was expecting goodness from curator Shaun Hossack and his crew of creative misfits and innovators but New Hunting Ground blew me away. It was surreal to see a space I once threw paint at the walls in for fun transformed into a proper art gallery with gorgeous white walls, feature lighting and, of course, stunning art pieces from around the world.

Watch this awesome video of the opening night by EdInFocus. Over 500 people made their way through to enjoy the art. Some of my favourite people were Shaun's parents and sister. Turns out I love all the Hossacks!

The guys at work think I'm nice because every now and then I'll put on my chocolate fairy wings and sprinkle them with a bit of sugar as an afternoon pick-me-up. They don't understand what's really going on. I give out chocolate so I don't feel so bad about eating the deliciousness all the time.   If everyone's eating chocolate, I can totally eat it too! Them's the rules.

If you hoard chocolate like I do when it goes on sale then occasionally have to binge it before it expires, then you can guilt share chocolate at work too! $2 for a pack of 12-16 fun size chocolate that cheers everyone up? Seems like a good investment to me! Of course, every office will have a couple of weirdos who don't eat chocolate so every now and then a potato chip tree is needed for those special, broken few.

Nothing says "take me seriously" like a kiddy sized yellow lego brick backpack. This was a birthday gift from The Phamly because I needed a bag for work. Clearly, they respect my profession even though they don't actually know what I do. To be fair, I don't think anyone knows what I do. Today I was introduced as "Jade...she does a lot." Well, this do-a-lotter goes to work in sneakers, shiny street wear and most days with unbrushed hair so The Phamly got me a work bag to match.

The Lego backpack has one main compartment that can fit a stack of about 10 x A4 notepads and is a rectangular lego brick shape. The six lego connectors on the front are individually zipped pockets. I keep USBs, hair ties & pins, lens cleaners, girl things, mixed nuts and lip balm in mine. There's a nifty drink bottle holder on the left. This backpack goes with my Lego Stationery Kit. Yep, people take me very seriously around the office.

One of the longest relationships I've had in my life is with my mobile phone number. It was my first and still my only. I recently broke up with Telstra after a $69/month two year contract, which I bought just before I moved home and D'oh! You don't need to call your Phamly much when you live with them. There's this thing called Phamly dinner where people talk to each other FACE-TO-FACE.

This is a story about a potato chip tree I made for a guy at work who I'll call Broke Back Boy because he hurt his back. Don't worry, Broke Back Boy's okay. This story is a happy one because he recovers quickly AND he gets a potato chip tree!

The Potato Chip Tree got me great compliments like, 'You're weird.' from the recipient and 'So random' by some one else. Even I think it's a bit ridiculous. I don't know how my brain leapt to a chip tree but I started at - oh no, he's hurt. Then, I should do something nice. Food obviously. Followed by, the freak doesn't eat chocolate. Opposite of chocolate? Potato chips. That's boring. [i don't understand this leap to] Potato Chip Tree!

Initially I was going to stick them on a weighted bottle (probably coke) but at the supermarket I discovered multi-pack chips come in boxes now. I don't eat small [read: recommended] servings - Little Sissy Pham and I can hoover a 175g party pack in one sitting... each. So I bought a Red Rock Deli multi-pack because the box assured me it had 'adult servings' inside and I'm always telling myself I should be more grown up.

The Potato Chip Tree is the chip packs stuck on the outside of their box, which I cut into the shape of an Xmas tree, stapled branches together to centre the weight then added a rolled up bit of box cut-offs in the base to make the tree trunk stronger. All the bags are held on by sticky tape and I made a complete mess of it taping bags to bags and branches and other bags... good luck plucking the chip packs off, Broke Back Boy. Get well soon!

It's official. I'm going back on Oratane. I took the acne medication in 2010/11 for six months and it cleared up my skin but two months after the treatment my skin started breaking out again. My Melbourne dermatologist said to come back if this happened but then life happened and I moved back to Brisbane. I managed my skin for the past year on Proactiv and it was pretty good but it stopped working after a while. I gave Skin Clarity a go and that made it worse so I finally made the dreaded decision to go back on Oratane.

This is the welcome pack my dermatologist put together for me. I threw in the three supermarket lip balms, he didn't suggest those brands but Maybelline Baby Lips is seriously the best softening lip balm I've ever used that has staying power (sorry vaseline, most points for softness, zilch for staying power under Oratane strain) and I have a few Nivea lip balms still lying around... I'll need about 50 more Baby Lips before my course of meds ends. No exaggeration - the doc wants me on Oratane at varying levels over the next three years. Ouch. Guess it's good I had such a bad experience with alcohol lately, I won't miss drinking for a while. I forgot to throw a jar of vaseline in the pic - vaseline was my saving grace applied before bed and first thing when I woke up last time round.

On a scale of 1 to 10 for horrible if 1 is drinking unflavoured cough syrup and 10 is chemo, I'd say Oratane is round about a 2.5. But I've yet to undergo surgery, break most bones or any other severe medical issues personally, so Oratane is the most unpleasant and painful body memory I have. I'm told the spinal tap I had when I was two had me screaming hysterics but I don't really remember that.


I'm preparing for a life of discomfort and a little pain...oh, and hairiness because waxing is out. The worst of the discomfort, from memory is the dry, peeling lips that I lathered with lip balm every 15 minutes or so. But there's also the dry eyeballs (especially for us contact lens wearers), dry scalp, dry face, dry neck, dry body, dry arms, dry elbows, dry knees, dry ankles... you get the picture. All your skin feels tight yet flimsy and ready to break. The first time, I only had aching bones and muscles and a bit of nausea for the first two weeks on the meds while my body adjusted (here's hoping it's the same again). I didn't have any hair loss or severe mood swings or get depressed or anything like that.

I think it's unfair to suggest Oratane is linked with depression and suicidal thoughts. You're probably not in a happy place when you seek specialist help for a skin disease like cystic acne, you're feeling desperate to get rid of painful and highly visible red and pussy pimples. I bailed on coffee with a guy a few weeks ago because I didn't want my unappealing skin to be his first impression of me. Seems a bit silly to be posting my acne on the Internet now but I guess the difference is I won't see you staring or any looks of disgust. Having to look at my own face in the mirror is enough.

If you have severe acne and you're struggling to treat it with commercially available products, I say it's worth spending the moneys if you have it to see a dermatologist for Oratane. The sooner the better. I lucked out with a cancellation and a rad boss who let me pop out at short notice so I bypassed the 2 month wait for my appointment. For first timers,  it'll take 1-2 visits to get started plus meds so depending on the doctor's fees, how many acne skincare products you already have and any additional meds like antibiotics they prescribe, you'll need at least a few hundred. My first time on Oratane was about $550 to kickstart then ongoing check ups and meds, this time because I'd been on the meds before and didn't need the tests or a second appointment to get started, it cost me about $300 to kit up. I assume you have acne if you're reading this. Good luck! I'll be posting updates on my skin's progress as I go.

I've been doing a lot of Interstate trips this year because, I've discovered, I still like having fun. After a year of dullhood, I thought I was getting old and and boring, but turns out I just don't like going out in Brisbane. So Bris don't kill my vibe I travel to all the exciting stuff that happens anywhere not here. Boy-flings, Carbon Festival, mega 30th parties/weekends away and now the New Hunting Ground gallery launch on Friday 21st June in Fitzroy, Melbourne. Mark it in your diaries and come have fun with me!