KEEP IT IN THE PHAMLY

Dad Pham told me how he left Vietnam by driving a boat of refugees, but I never knew the details of how Mum Pham ended up in Germany. That is, until we reunited with Aunty 6's children this year.

Aunty 6's kids took us to dinner twice - once to an all-you-can-eat Asian buffet place, and once to the most German pub they could find our hometown. Over dinner we shared stories of our lives in broken Vietnamese with bits of English. There was one story I'd never heard before.

As my cousin tells it, when South Vietnam fell to the North the communists accused them of being capitalists and took their house as punishment (though really they wanted it to house communists). Aunty 6's family was given 2 months to vacate to a rural plot of land without plumbing, power or roads. Being city dwellers, they didn't see how they'd survive in whoop-whoop with no agricultural skills or know-how.

This forced Mum's side of The Phamly to leave Vietnam. After living under communist rule for over a year, Mum Pham took all four of Aunty 6's kids with her when she fled Vietnam. They went in a small boat to a larger ship out at sea, like Dad but unlike Dad they paid their way onto the larger ship, instead of being rescued. As a result, Mum and her posse of my cousins were turned away from Australia, their original destination, because they weren't deemed refugees since they paid their way. Luckily, Germany was generous to take them in because Germany is where my parents met.

Sadly, Aunty 6 was in hospital in Frankfurt when we were in Germany and we didn't get to see her. Aunty 6 is the one who smuggled the diamonds in my diamond ring out of Vietnam with her when she left because she didn't want the communists to have them.

I didn't know her children viewed my Mum as a second mother to them. I didn't know took them to Germany alone when they were teens, and took care of them in Germany, and settled them into their new lives before helping their parents migrate over. I had always assumed their family had fled to Germany together.

It's great to see our cousins are doing well. One owns a pharmacy in beautiful Marburg, and another owns the only Asian grocer in our hometown. Their kids are really bright and intelligent. And also huge. Little Sissy Pham and I dwarfed our cousins, but their kids were bigger than us. There's something in the water or the dairy or the potatos in Germany, that's for sure.

Dad Pham & Mum Pham lived in Germany for 11 years. Dad Pham remembers it fondly, but he also says it was the most stressful time of his life. You'd think being in the navy during the Vietnam War or being a prisoner in a communist reeducation camp would be more stressful. But no, setting up a regular life in Germany was the toughest time in his life.

Regular life as a refugee is stressful though. Dad was caring for family members scattered between refugee camps and back home in a war-ravaged country. When he fled Vietnam, he carried the clothes on his back and the fate of his family with him. I can’t imagine how heavy the pressure must have been to a) not drown at sea b) find somewhere to call home c) make a new life starting with nothing.

Dad Pham worked his behind off to strategically get family members out of Vietnam, and also support them because the country wasn’t in a good way economically or socially. The stress probably contributed to his many hospitalisations for schizophrenic episodes in Germany. Worrying about things that are out of his control is a trigger because his brain can’t switch off, which is why he's so chilled out now because the Phamly is settled and well in Australia.

Dad still loves his time in Germany though because the country’s generosity made our Phamly possible. They took Mum & Dad in, they set them up with housing and education, generously donated clothing and food, and the locals welcomed them into the community. If they hadn't taken in my refugee parents, my folks never would have met and I wouldn't exist so thank you, Germany. I owe you my life, and I love you. I cannot wait to see you again soon!

Little Sissy Pham and I are adventuring in Europe at the moment. Currently in Geneva then heading to our birth town for a Phamly reunion 3 decades after we left! I'm pretty excited to see where life took the family members my Dad helped. I will write about our visit when I get back home to Oz!




If you want to start from the beginning of Phamly history, read:
Part 1 - O Captain! My Captain! Dad Pham's navy days during the Vietnam War.
Part 2 - P.O.W. Viet Cong Re-education Camp Dad Pham's time as a prisoner of war.
Part 3 - Living with Viet Cong Mum Pham's experience with communism.
Part 4 - Boat People Dad Pham seeks refuge after the war.
Part 5 - Finding Faith Dad finds peace.
Part 6 - When Herr met Frau - Dad Pham meets Mum Pham.
Part 7 - Life in Germany: the early years - Dad Pham sets up life in Germany.
Part 8 - Life in Germany: the later years - Dad gets sick, Mum steps up.
Part 9 - Getting ready for Australia - Mum Pham is on a mission.
Part 10 - Coming to Australia - My first memories of Australia.
Part 11 - Live in Brisbane the first time - The story of why we left Brisbane.
Part 12 - Moving to Melbourne - First impressions.
Part 13 - Life in Melbourne - Dad Pham - The good old days.
Part 14 - The Other Phams - Our neighbours in Melbourne were Phams too.
Part 15 - Life in Melbourne - Mum Pham - Our Sunday Phamly traditions began in Melbourne.
Part 16 - Cats On A Train - Moving to Brisbane
Part 17 - Sleepwalking Scare - Moving to Brisbane continued
Part 18 - A House in Brisbane - Moving to Brisbane continued some more

Back in Germany in the '80s, every Saturday or Sunday The Phamly would walk a half hour to Aunty 9’s house. Well, it's a 20 minute walk as an adult for us when we went back to Germany for the first time in 29 years, but Dad & Mum Pham had to haul 3 young kids with them. Aside from the cousin who lived with us, we were probably closest to Aunty 9's kids.

We reunited with our cousins in Frankfurt on our Europe 2017 trip. Genetics is a funny thing - I recognised my cousin rounding a corner at the train station immediately because he looks EXACTLY like his mum. And he spotted me immediately because I look EXACTLY like Mum Pham (his Mum's sister).

It's been 29 years since we've seen each other. I was a pudgy 4 year old and Little Sissy Pham a scrawny 3 year old when we left Germany. In my memories, our cousins were so big and tall, and now I dwarf them. In fact, we dwarfed all of our German Phamly. Mum Pham used to say we grew enormous because we had cows' milk and potatoes as kids since we were born in Germany, then raised in Australia. Our cousins were born in Vietnam, and immigrated or migrated over.

Our Frankfurt-based cousins, Chi N (10 years older though looks 10 years younger than us now) and Anh T (3 years older), are in heaps of Phamly photos because we used to do all the fun things together. Parades and games and birthday and playground photos.

If we had stayed in Germany, I know I'd be really close to Chi N who's a graphic designer, artist, singer, and super-funny and sassy to boot. My kind of human and humour. Big Brother Pham and Anh T would have been the best of friends too. Anh T was his mum's shadow as a kid but when we went to their house, he and Big Brother Pham would go off playing adventure games together. He studied IT and is a software developer for Germany's Federal Intelligence Service. Big Brother Pham studied IT too but didn't finish his course due to some unfortunate turns of events in his life. Makes me wonder how differently all our lives would have turned out if we'd stayed in Germany. But we didn't, so no use dreaming of our fluent German, not knowing English and maybe having a smoother ride in life than we had - though with less fresh Vietnamese food because tropical-friendly food is not so common in freezing cold Germany. Life would definitely have been different for The Phamly.

Chi N shared stories of when we were little because she was old enough to remember. This one, made me laugh because it’s so typically me and Mum, and it involves something as mundane as a toilet door:

One day at Aunty 6's house when I was 3 years old, I locked myself in the toilet and didn't know how to unlock the door because: imbecile child. After a while people noticed I was missing. Soon they discovered the toilet door was locked and couldn’t think of who else would be in there so they called through the door to ask if I was OK. I was either too petrified or too dumb to reply so didn’t make a sound. As soon as Mum Pham realised I was locked inside and not responding she did what Mum Pham does best - she went into full-blown panic mode, and freaked everyone out pacing back and forth, screeching that the worst has happened because I could have had a seizure in there (I’d had one a year before), or tripped and hit my head, or fallen in the toilet and drowned. So one of our older cousins, who shares a name with Big Brother Pham so the Phamly refer to him as Big Big Brother, and my brother as Small Big Brother (cute!) - anyhoo, Big Big Brother Cousin busted the door open and they found me just sitting in there completely fine. To this day the toilet door doesn't shut properly because of young me. What a pest.


Remember that German cousin who I didn't know the name of way back 'In Loving Memory of Mum Pham' (which turns out he took those photos of us that Mum loved so much when he was learning photography)? I never fully understood why he was in a bunch of our Phamly photos in Germany. Until now. We recently connected over Facebook (I know, using FB for something other than memes and cat videos - crazy), and I asked if he was up for being the first person I've ever interviewed for my blog. He accepted and proceeded to make me cry like a baby learning things I never knew about my cousin nor my parents.

Where did you grow up in Vietnam? Do you miss it?
I was born and grew up in Saigon. My family had a big house in the Bình Thạnh District. I still remember a lot of things. However, I don’t miss it much. I have been too long away. The city has changed a lot. My people, my family have changed since then. One thing I have learnt: The only persistency in life are changes. 😊

Were you close to my Dad back in Vietnam?
As your dad lived in Nha Trang, we were not as close to each other. Actually, we didn’t have as much contact. The last time he came to visit my family in Saigon were 1975, short before the takeover of the southern Vietnamese capital by the Communists. Dad Pham fled from Nha Trang after his city was taken-over by the Vietcong. The south Vietnamese army was broken. He came with a gun in his jacket and told us, some people on the street tried to rob him. He smiled at them, showed the gun and asked if they wanted some bullets. The robbers fled.

Do you remember the war and the Viet Cong?
I didn’t remember much about the war and the Viet Cong. What I remember quite well was the time after the takeover: troubles with the Viet Cong authority, the hunger, ridiculous things we were forced to do, etc.

How did you end up in Germany with my parents? How did you feel when you learned your parents were sending you over first?
My parents’ plan was actually not to send me abroad first. The plan was that I left my family forever. No one knew at that time that things would turn out the way they have. We didn’t know about the German program for family reunion. We didn’t know that the Vietnamese government would allow my family later to leave Vietnam legally. So, you may imagine how I felt when my parents asked me whether or not I wanted to take the chance. The decision to leave was not easy for me.

“Legally crossing the border” was the common term used in Vietnam in the time period when Vietnamese people of Chinese origin were hassled and forced to leave Vietnam. They were allowed to “escape” the country on boats after paying a huge amount of money to the government and, of course, also to some corrupted people working in the government. A colleague and friend of my father (I called him chú Kiêng) changed his name to smuggle his family to the list of the permitted Chinese. He took me with his family (my family name was also changed to Quách) and we escaped Vietnam that way. Some others like your Dad did it illegally by leaving the country by boat without permission. I guess he was picked up by a German ship and came to Germany in around 1978.

I’m not sure how long it really took. We were placed on the bottom of the boat near by the motor which ran all the time (when it was not broken down). There was no daylight. It was dark, loud, and sticky. I think it was roughly a week or so until we arrived in Malaysia. We got robbed by Thai fishers twice. The Malaysian marine didn’t allow us to enter their territory. So, they towed our boat to Indonesia. Upon arriving in the first refugee camp on a small island of Indonesia called Araya, I contacted Dad Pham by sending him a short letter. I still remember how happy I was when I held his reply letter in my hand after some months. And I was even happier when I opened it and found an entrance clearance for Germany and a 100-Dollar banknote in there.

With the 100 Dollars in my pocket, I left chú Kiêng’s family to go to another camp for Germany. I guess, with this decision I caused a lot of trouble to chú Kiêng, since he had been declaring me as his own son in his application for the U.S. He was about to get the entrance clearance for U.S.A. after being interviewed by the US delegation. Now, chú Kiêng had to explain why his son has left him for Germany. I was really sorry for this. But I think it was the right decision.

From then on, I really travel on my own. I needed to find another refugee camp, which organised flights to destination countries for refugees with such a document Dad Pham sent to me. I visited 3 other camps (Galang, Pynang, Jakarta) before arriving in Germany in January 1980.


When did your family come over to Germany? What was your reunion like?
My family came to Germany 3 years later. I still remember how happy I was. I couldn’t sleep the night before their arrival. For me, it was kind of wonder since I never thought we would see each other again when I left Vietnam. Dad Pham had a big contribution to our family reunion. He took care of my application and the administrative things. He helped me to send money and “survival” packets to my family. Life wasn’t easy under the Viet Cong regime. And my parents had to feed 9 hungry mouths (my 6 siblings and the other 3 cousins living in the same house). Without support from abroad, they would not be able to do so.

Sometimes, I wonder what life would have been like if Mum & Dad had stayed in Germany. Do you ever wonder what life would have been like if you had stayed in Vietnam?
It’s very interesting. Very often, I ask myself the same questions. What would have been if I decided not to leave my family and stayed in Vietnam. Or, what would happen if Dad Pham didn’t send his letter and the entrance paper? I would come with chú Kiêng’s family to the US. But what would happen with my parents?

One thing is for sure: If Mom and Dad stayed in Germany, you would speak German very well and would know me better. And Dad and Mom would still say “Herr” (Mr.) and “Frau” (Mrs.) to each other J. Actually, how did they call each other in Australian? Did they tell you the anecdote about “Herr” and “Frau” instead of “Anh” and “Em” like other Vietnamese couples always do? Mom Pham told me once that Dad called her “Chị” the first time they met. Dad Pham meant it with respect. Mom took it like dad is too young for her and called him “Em”. After the marriage, they agreed to be “neutral” by using the German words for Mr. and Mrs. when talking to each other.
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Here ends the first part of the interview. The rest will come in Part 2.

FYI - Mum & Dad Pham continued to call each other Herr and Frau to the end of their time together. I never knew the origin of their German nicknames for each other.

I got sidetracked from my Dad Series because of our Phamly Reunion in Europe last September. Though, thanks to that trip I learned a bit more about my parents' life in Germany. The early years were tough because they had been all about settling in and learning their new country. The later years were tough because that’s when Dad Pham got sick.

Long Lost German Cousin told us of mum’s hardship. Mum Pham gave up trying to study to pharmacy. She’d graduated in Vietnam but her degree wasn’t valid in Germany, and also she had to learn the hardest and harshest sounding language I’ve ever heard to complete her studies in her new home. She did work for a short time at a pharmacy but it didn’t work out. Things were too much for her to manage since she had to take care of Dad who was in and out of hospital for schizophrenia nearly a dozen times during this period, and she was also caring for three young children in a country that was foreign to her, on next to no budget because poor refugees.

I look at the luxuries our Phamly can afford now - Big Brother Pham and Little Sissy Pham are homeowners, Dad Pham can afford takeout meals, I can afford to spend extra for more ethical items instead of all the no-name branded things we lived on as kids. I wish Mum Pham knew how well she’d set us up for life during her hardships to make the burden feel worth her while. The struggle she must have felt, wondering how she would get her family through the next days, weeks, and months - and not knowing whether this would be forever.


Cousin said she never wavered no matter the trials life threw at her. He remembers life was stressful for her, but she never let it impact others. Mum had the kindest heart of anyone I’ve ever met, but it didn’t make her soft or maybe that’s where her strength came from; she needed to be strong to care for everyone. She was steadfast, and determined - admirable traits that she tried to pass onto me but, alas, I’m more stubborn and annoying. Close, but not quite.

Back in Germany, we walked the streets where Mum used to push two babies in a pram (Little Sissy Pham and me) while Big Brother Pham clung to her side. The locals pitied Mum, the poor Asian lady with three young kids. The whole time we were in our hometown, we only saw two other Asian people who weren’t our relatives. Back then, Asian people would have been so new and different and rare for the locals. One time, Mum told us Big Brother Pham strayed from her because he was always running off as a tiny tot but a German lady returned him to her, because she was so obviously the only person in the mall who could be related to a little Vietnamese boy.

Mum & Dad gloss over the trying parts of their lives with us kids, so I’m grateful our Long Lost German Cousin lived with them in Germany. He was old enough to remember the way things were. I have next to no memories of Germany, it is a blur to Big Brother Pham - we mostly only remember our childhoods in Australia. Which I will cover next in my Dad Series.



If you want to start from the beginning of Phamly history, read:
Part 1 - O Captain! My Captain! Dad Pham's navy days during the Vietnam War.
Part 2 - P.O.W. Viet Cong Re-education Camp Dad Pham's time as a prisoner of war.
Part 3 - Living with Viet Cong Mum Pham's experience with communism.
Part 4 - Boat People Dad Pham seeks refuge after the war.
Part 5 - Finding Faith Dad finds peace.
Part 6 - When Herr met Frau - Dad Pham meets Mum Pham.
Part 7 - Life in Germany: the early years - Dad Pham sets up life in Germany.
Part 8 - Life in Germany: the later years - Dad gets sick, Mum steps up.
Part 9 - Getting ready for Australia - Mum Pham is on a mission.
Part 10 - Coming to Australia - My first memories of Australia.
Part 11 - Live in Brisbane the first time - The story of why we left Brisbane.
Part 12 - Moving to Melbourne - First impressions.
Part 13 - Life in Melbourne - Dad Pham - The good old days.
Part 14 - The Other Phams - Our neighbours in Melbourne were Phams too.
Part 15 - Life in Melbourne - Mum Pham - Our Sunday Phamly traditions began in Melbourne.
Part 16 - Cats On A Train - Moving to Brisbane
Part 17 - Sleepwalking Scare - Moving to Brisbane continued
Part 18 - A House in Brisbane - Moving to Brisbane continued some more

Uncle 10 on mum's side moved to Melbourne, Australia from Germany before we did, and told Mum and Dad Pham that in Australia they have plenty of Vietnamese foods in comparison to Germany, which had next to none at the time. Our cousin benefited from this gap in the marketing, she opened up a highly successful Asian grocer in a small town in Germany. It's the only place you can get Asian food items in the area.

Mum and Dad were sold when they heard that Australia was warm enough to grow many of the herbs, fruits and vegetables from back home. They decided to migrate to Australia...because food. There was one catch. Mum's weight meant she didn't pass the medical requirements and Australia wouldn't accept their application because health concerns - they didn't want her to be a burden on the system. Boy oh, they didn't realise Dad Pham was a bigger concern there. More on that at a later date.

Mum Pham blames me for getting fat. When she was pregnant with me all she wanted to eat was pho. All that delicious soupy noodle made her bloated, and then getting pregnant again less than two months later with Little Sissy Pham didn't help. In order to apply to migrate to Australia, Mum needed to drop over 15kg. On a scale of stroll in the markets to fleeing a war torn country, losing weight was on the easier side.

She began by eating nothing but salads, and I vaguely remember making her laugh by laying down to do leg-ups with her. My fat baby gut must have looked hilarious trying to do core exercises. Mum Pham worked her ass off within weeks and went back to get her medical approved. In case you're wondering how this story ends, I'm sitting on a couch in Brisbane, Australia as I write feeling guilty that I can't lose and keep 5kg off to stay in a healthy weight range, while Mum Pham tortured herself with lettuce meals morning, noon and night to get fit enough to move her Phamly to the other side of the world.

I am always so grateful to her for all the things she did for us. I honour this by stuffing my face stupid on all the glorious Vietnamese foods in Inala where I take Dad Pham shopping every weekend. We cook mostly Vietnamese food for Phamly dinner too. Mum would be proud.




If you want to start from the beginning of Phamly history, read:
Part 1 - O Captain! My Captain! Dad Pham's navy days during the Vietnam War.
Part 2 - P.O.W. Viet Cong Re-education Camp Dad Pham's time as a prisoner of war.
Part 3 - Living with Viet Cong Mum Pham's experience with communism.
Part 4 - Boat People Dad Pham seeks refuge after the war.
Part 5 - Finding Faith Dad finds peace.
Part 6 - When Herr met Frau - Dad Pham meets Mum Pham.
Part 7 - Life in Germany: the early years - Dad Pham sets up life in Germany.
Part 8 - Life in Germany: the later years - Dad gets sick, Mum steps up.
Part 9 - Getting ready for Australia - Mum Pham is on a mission.
Part 10 - Coming to Australia - My first memories of Australia.
Part 11 - Live in Brisbane the first time - The story of why we left Brisbane.
Part 12 - Moving to Melbourne - First impressions.
Part 13 - Life in Melbourne - Dad Pham - The good old days.
Part 14 - The Other Phams - Our neighbours in Melbourne were Phams too.
Part 15 - Life in Melbourne - Mum Pham - Our Sunday Phamly traditions began in Melbourne.
Part 16 - Cats On A Train - Moving to Brisbane
Part 17 - Sleepwalking Scare - Moving to Brisbane continued
Part 18 - A House in Brisbane - Moving to Brisbane continued some more

One of the many things I wished I'd done before Mum Pham passed away was talk to her in detail about her life. The things I know are pieced together from lots of little stories she shared. I never once sat down and learned her story in full. I know she grew up in Saigon, and that Grandma passed away when Mum was young so she was raised by her 8 older sisters and older brother. And, of course, Grandpa.

Grandpa came from China. When the Vietnam War broke out in 1962 and the Viet Cong began to gain ground heading south, Grandpa told his children that if the communists win, they had to flee. But Grandpa didn't live to see the end of the war and my Aunts and Uncle did not heed his warning when the time to flee came in 1975. As Saigon fell, my mother and her siblings made the mistake of not running like so many thousands did.

While Dad Pham was losing his sanity in a re-education camp, Mum's family stayed and learned first-hand why Grandpa had wanted them to escape. In its own way, things worked out - if Mum had fled when her dad told her to, Dad Pham would still be wasting away in prison and wouldn't have been in Germany to meet her as a translator and The Phamly would not exist. Life's funny like that.

Mum Pham never went into detail with her stories of the Viet Cong, but what she did share is that people lived in fear of the regime and those who spoke out against the communist government were killed, put in prison or disappeared. The Viet Cong could simply take, harass or intimidate people into handing over property - real estate, personal belongings, anything they desired because in communism, things don't belong to you, they belong to the community (so long as you are Viet Cong). That's why Mum Pham's siblings hid their jewellery, and eventually the diamonds in my Phamly ring were smuggled out of Vietnam and remade into a ring Germany.

I still own a few of the sleeveless tops that Viet Cong soldiers harassed mum for wearing. Apparently, they they were too revealing (see photo for said tops). As Mum tells it, Aunty Nine told the soldiers off for picking on a bunch of girls, while Mum held her breath waiting to be punished but instead the soldiers let them go with a warning. That night mum and her sisters sewed cap sleeves onto their sleeveless tops. I remember these tops from when I was a kid - Mum no longer wore them, but she'd kept them through her journey from Vietnam to Germany and then Australia. They must have meant something to her - I wished I'd asked what that something was.

Looking back, it seems silly to think ugly, mismatched sleeve caps was the fashion in Vietnam. I didn't learn til I was a teen that they happened because the Viet Cong officials could tell people what to do, how to live, where to live... the freedom fighters turned out to be dictators. Saigon fell in 1975. Years later Mum Pham would flee Vietnam and meet a handsome fellow I call Dad in 1979, but that's a story I'll piece together another day.



If you want to start from the beginning of Phamly history, read:
Part 1 - O Captain! My Captain! Dad Pham's navy days during the Vietnam War.
Part 2 - P.O.W. Viet Cong Re-education Camp Dad Pham's time as a prisoner of war.
Part 3 - Living with Viet Cong Mum Pham's experience with communism.
Part 4 - Boat People Dad Pham seeks refuge after the war.
Part 5 - Finding Faith Dad finds peace.
Part 6 - When Herr met Frau - Dad Pham meets Mum Pham.
Part 7 - Life in Germany: the early years - Dad Pham sets up life in Germany.
Part 8 - Life in Germany: the later years - Dad gets sick, Mum steps up.
Part 9 - Getting ready for Australia - Mum Pham is on a mission.
Part 10 - Coming to Australia - My first memories of Australia.
Part 11 - Live in Brisbane the first time - The story of why we left Brisbane.
Part 12 - Moving to Melbourne - First impressions.
Part 13 - Life in Melbourne - Dad Pham - The good old days.
Part 14 - The Other Phams - Our neighbours in Melbourne were Phams too.
Part 15 - Life in Melbourne - Mum Pham - Our Sunday Phamly traditions began in Melbourne.
Part 16 - Cats On A Train - Moving to Brisbane
Part 17 - Sleepwalking Scare - Moving to Brisbane continued
Part 18 - A House in Brisbane - Moving to Brisbane continued some more

I never knew why Mum & Dad called each other Herr and Frau until I reconnected with my Long Lost German Cousin recently. I have always known the story of how they met though - Dad told us when we were younger, and the story has come up a lot more in recent years around Mother's Day. I like to call it When Herr met Frau:

Dad Pham met Mum Pham one day at work. They were definitely not an obvious match. They were, in fact, the complete opposite in most ways. Dad is a cheeky bugger who attracts lots of friends, but also rubs them the wrong way because he has no filter. Mum Pham was gentle and loving; a natural peacemaker who kept the friends Dad made.

When it came to dating, Mum Pham was a shy wallflower. She didn't actually date, partly because of the times, and partly because her family was super strict. Mum's dating history consisted of one man she had a crush on in university. It never went beyond flirtation because a stern talking to from her older brother put an end to it.  There was also a high-ranking military officer who became infatuated with her after seeing her at Grandad's factory. They crossed paths when he came to Grandad's factory to mass order beds for the army. He often visited even though Mum would avoid him and he'd just talk with Grandad. He eventually asked Grandad for mum's hand but she wasn't interested, and neither was Grandad. Those two men were the only men before Dad Pham. Mum focused on her studies like she was told - no boys allowed, and the future war meant her studies and avoiding boys was all for nought.

Dad Pham, on the other hand, was a total ladies man. He was and is charming and flirtatious, and all the ladies love him. He was a wild child as a kid then teen. Joining the navy meant he was always being deployed, and didn't know if he'd live to come home do Dad never had a relationship - he had flings. Though, I do know he loved one woman back in Vietnam but nothing ever eventuated because he fled the country and she stayed behind, then there was a woman in Singapore that Mum was always a little jealous of, but Dad knew it wouldn't be forever because he was only there temporarily as a refugee waiting to fly to Germany. I don't know how many women he's dated - he drops sly hints every now and then about how popular he is - but those were the two he loved before Mum Pham.

As Dad tells it, he was ready to settle down when he got to Germany because, even though his whole life had been uprooted and shaken every which way by the war and aftermath, his new country was where his life was stable. In Germany, Dad became an official translator for Vietnamese refugees because he's a quick study in anything he applies himself to including languages. He would help people with their documentation and get them oriented in their new home.

Dad Pham met Mum Pham this way. He knew he would marry her almost instantly. He was taking her for a tour around town, when a local German man dropped his wallet on a busy street and no one noticed. Mum Pham snatched it up and raced after him to give it back. Dad decided then that he would make Mum his wife. She didn't have anything but the clothes on her back yet she didn't think twice about returning a wallet full of cash to its rightful owner. Basically, us Phamlings are lucky Mum Pham isn't a selfish jerk, otherwise we wouldn't exist. That would be tragic, no?




If you want to start from the beginning of Phamly history, read:
Part 1 - O Captain! My Captain! Dad Pham's navy days during the Vietnam War.
Part 2 - P.O.W. Viet Cong Re-education Camp Dad Pham's time as a prisoner of war.
Part 3 - Living with Viet Cong Mum Pham's experience with communism.
Part 4 - Boat People Dad Pham seeks refuge after the war.
Part 5 - Finding Faith Dad finds peace.
Part 6 - When Herr met Frau - Dad Pham meets Mum Pham.
Part 7 - Life in Germany: the early years - Dad Pham sets up life in Germany.
Part 8 - Life in Germany: the later years - Dad gets sick, Mum steps up.
Part 9 - Getting ready for Australia - Mum Pham is on a mission.
Part 10 - Coming to Australia - My first memories of Australia.
Part 11 - Live in Brisbane the first time - The story of why we left Brisbane.
Part 12 - Moving to Melbourne - First impressions.
Part 13 - Life in Melbourne - Dad Pham - The good old days.
Part 14 - The Other Phams - Our neighbours in Melbourne were Phams too.
Part 15 - Life in Melbourne - Mum Pham - Our Sunday Phamly traditions began in Melbourne.
Part 16 - Cats On A Train - Moving to Brisbane
Part 17 - Sleepwalking Scare - Moving to Brisbane continued
Part 18 - A House in Brisbane - Moving to Brisbane continued some more

Little Sissy Pham and I finally made it back to our birth town in Germany in August this year, and it was predictably the best time EVER. Our beautiful cousins on both sides of the Pham made time for our visit and shared so many stories and memories we didn't know we had. I'm going to capture these memories in a Phamly Reunion series beginning with this post.

I am so grateful that Mum Pham and Dad Pham raised us to speak Vietnamese. It wasn’t a conscious decision they made, more like it was too difficult for them to learn English after burning through brain cells to learn German, the strangest standalone language in the history of mankind, so their English remained broken and we had to keep speaking Vietnamese as kids in order to communicate with our parents. And gosh darn, it came in handy in Germany where Vietnamese was the common language we had between three generations of Phams.

It’s bizarre hearing our cousins speak fluent German. Most of our Vietnamese relatives back home in Australia speak broken English (if that) with really heavy accents. It's probably bizarre to them that we speak Vietnamese with a foreign accent. One cousin said we were like the Vietnamese-American beauty pageant contenders on Viet programs who answer questions with funny Vietnamese because when we don't know the words to say something in a straightforward way, we find a workaround to explain what we're trying to say.

Conversation was sometimes slow as a result because my Vietnamese isn't great, and my vocab is largely centred around food because Mum Pham loved the kitchen so much. But being able to connect with extended Phamly in our parents' native tongue was so wonderful. I’ll share stories from our Phamly Reunion over the next few months. So many stories!

I don't remember leaving Germany. I don't remember the flights to Singapore then Brisbane. But I do remember the very first time Brisbane's heavy, humidity hit me in my chubby little face because it felt like a clinically obese cat had pounced on my chest and I suddenly had trouble breathing when I stepped out of the plane. I stood there gasping in air until Dad Pham lead me down the steps onto the tarmac. After the initial shock, I was fine. Well, for now. We went inside and met Dad's eagerly waiting Phamly.

Dad Pham tells me they took us back to our new rental home on Wedgetail Street in Inala, around the corner from where Dad lives now. I don't remember the ride back from the airport though.

My next memory of Australia is crying alone on a sofa. I had been crying for a long time so the adults had left me alone because I was inconsolable and everything else they had tried only made me cry harder. Dad and Mum Pham don't know why I was crying so hard. I was only 4 years old and couldn't possibly understand what was going on. Maybe part of me knew everything was different now.

I remember my cousin came out to offer me a bag of peanut m&ms. I took them and ate them - still sobbing. I fell asleep on the couch exhausted hugging the bag of chocolates, and so began my love affair with my favourite, guilty pleasure comfort food. Peanut m&ms is how I cope with all life trauma now. Except for watching A Quiet Place. Boy-oh, did I regret bringing a loud snack into the cinema - oh how I longed to munch on them to cope with the stress of living the brilliant story, but I couldn't because the cinema was dead silent.




If you want to start from the beginning of Phamly history, read:
Part 1 - O Captain! My Captain! Dad Pham's navy days during the Vietnam War.
Part 2 - P.O.W. Viet Cong Re-education Camp Dad Pham's time as a prisoner of war.
Part 3 - Living with Viet Cong Mum Pham's experience with communism.
Part 4 - Boat People Dad Pham seeks refuge after the war.
Part 5 - Finding Faith Dad finds peace.
Part 6 - When Herr met Frau - Dad Pham meets Mum Pham.
Part 7 - Life in Germany: the early years - Dad Pham sets up life in Germany.
Part 8 - Life in Germany: the later years - Dad gets sick, Mum steps up.
Part 9 - Getting ready for Australia - Mum Pham is on a mission.
Part 10 - Coming to Australia - My first memories of Australia.
Part 11 - Live in Brisbane the first time - The story of why we left Brisbane.
Part 12 - Moving to Melbourne - First impressions.
Part 13 - Life in Melbourne - Dad Pham - The good old days.
Part 14 - The Other Phams - Our neighbours in Melbourne were Phams too.
Part 15 - Life in Melbourne - Mum Pham - Our Sunday Phamly traditions began in Melbourne.
Part 16 - Cats On A Train - Moving to Brisbane
Part 17 - Sleepwalking Scare - Moving to Brisbane continued
Part 18 - A House in Brisbane - Moving to Brisbane continued some more

Dad Pham is the most zen and neutral person in my life thanks to Buddhism. When I was younger, I mistook it for him not caring. Now I know better. He lets us lead our own lives, only nudging us a little in the right direction if we stray too far. Dad wasn't always religious. Actually, he was the naughtiest kid in his Phamly and constantly copped beatings (don't panic, this was the norm for his generation) when he was little and not so little, but that didn't stop him from being a cheeky monkey. He was a bit of a wild child, and ended up in the navy because a regular job and life would bore him.

The horrors of war and prison camp splintered Dad's mind. He wasn't raised with structured religion and he wasn't born a schizophrenic. It was brought on by PTSD and he had many, many bad episodes in Germany when my Long Lost German Cousin was living with him and Mum Pham - though judging by our photo albums of his time in German, he looked mighty fine doing it. My dad is the coolest. To focus his thoughts, Dad Pham read a lot about many religions including Buddhism. To this day, he can talk circles around the Mormons that used to visit his house until they gave up trying to convert him. Dad Pham found Buddhism resonated with his personal beliefs best, and made sense of his challenging life so he became a devout follower.

It wasn't smooth sailing from the beginning. Being severely ill, I remember schizophrenic episodes where Dad Pham thought he was so close to God and to get to the final stage, he had to cleanse his body by drinking insane amounts of water. He was right - that would have been the last step to meeting God, because that's also when we learned you can drown yourself drinking water. Dad ended up unconscious and rushed to hospital where the doctors saved his life. This was the last major episode I remember.

Dad's mind still races with a hundred thoughts a second, Buddhism hasn't calmed his schizophrenia in that sense. But its philosophies have helped him find peace with mankind, and the atrocities he witnessed and took part in the war. I believe a combination of time, distance, and Buddhism has helped him find a good place.

In the next episode, I'll tell you about how Dad Pham knew Mum Pham was the woman for him.


If you want to start from the beginning of Phamly history, read:
Part 1 - O Captain! My Captain! Dad Pham's navy days during the Vietnam War.
Part 2 - P.O.W. Viet Cong Re-education Camp Dad Pham's time as a prisoner of war.
Part 3 - Living with Viet Cong Mum Pham's experience with communism.
Part 4 - Boat People Dad Pham seeks refuge after the war.
Part 5 - Finding Faith Dad finds peace.
Part 6 - When Herr met Frau - Dad Pham meets Mum Pham.
Part 7 - Life in Germany: the early years - Dad Pham sets up life in Germany.
Part 8 - Life in Germany: the later years - Dad gets sick, Mum steps up.
Part 9 - Getting ready for Australia - Mum Pham is on a mission.
Part 10 - Coming to Australia - My first memories of Australia.
Part 11 - Live in Brisbane the first time - The story of why we left Brisbane.
Part 12 - Moving to Melbourne - First impressions.
Part 13 - Life in Melbourne - Dad Pham - The good old days.
Part 14 - The Other Phams - Our neighbours in Melbourne were Phams too.

The first time we came to Brisbane from Germany, The Phamly didn't have the best run. We were renting a house on Wedgetail Street, around the corner from where Dad Pham and Big Brother Pham now live. I don't remember much of the time here - I was only 5 and the memories are flashes of scenery or moments that don't make sense because I'm missing context.

What I know is that something bad happened, and Mum Pham moved us away to Melbourne to be near her side of The Phamly after only 6 months in Brisbane. Mum and Dad never went into it when we were kids. But decades later, I'd learn it was because one of our relatives was a struggling heroin addict at the time and stole jewellery and cash from us for their habit. There was a big fight and Dad conceded to move The Phamly to Melbourne to be closer to Mum's side of the family.

I clearly remember one of the items that was stolen: Mum's jade bird necklace. It wasn't of much value compared to other heirlooms that were stolen but I loved that necklace. I used to play with it when Mum held me to her chest as a baby. It was of a bird in flight - similar to how children draw birds in the sky as two arched lines with curved tips. A plump version that was curved to a natural rock formation and polished with gold chain tassels on the tail. I've never been able to find anything close to the design. Maybe one day I will stumble across the original. It's somewhere in Brisbane still, I hope.

Since the initial robbery that made us up and move to Melbourne, my parents have helped bail this person out of other debts too. When I learned about everything that went down, my uni years suddenly made more sense. This relative used to visit us and would often sneak me a bit of cash for 'being a good girl.' I realise now they felt indebted to my parents and wanted to give something back once they were in a good place and could help.

Life would have been very different if we hadn't moved to Melbourne. But we did. And that's a story for next time.



If you want to start from the beginning of Phamly history, read:
Part 1 - O Captain! My Captain! Dad Pham's navy days during the Vietnam War.
Part 2 - P.O.W. Viet Cong Re-education Camp Dad Pham's time as a prisoner of war.
Part 3 - Living with Viet Cong Mum Pham's experience with communism.
Part 4 - Boat People Dad Pham seeks refuge after the war.
Part 5 - Finding Faith Dad finds peace.
Part 6 - When Herr met Frau - Dad Pham meets Mum Pham.
Part 7 - Life in Germany: the early years - Dad Pham sets up life in Germany.
Part 8 - Life in Germany: the later years - Dad gets sick, Mum steps up.
Part 9 - Getting ready for Australia - Mum Pham is on a mission.
Part 10 - Coming to Australia - My first memories of Australia.
Part 11 - Live in Brisbane the first time - The story of why we left Brisbane.
Part 12 - Moving to Melbourne - First impressions.
Part 13 - Life in Melbourne - Dad Pham - The good old days.
Part 14 - The Other Phams - Our neighbours in Melbourne were Phams too.
Part 15 - Life in Melbourne - Mum Pham - Our Sunday Phamly traditions began in Melbourne.
Part 16 - Cats On A Train - Moving to Brisbane
Part 17 - Sleepwalking Scare - Moving to Brisbane continued
Part 18 - A House in Brisbane - Moving to Brisbane continued some more

Even though he was far from Phamly in Brisbane, Dad had the best time in Melbourne with his old navy buddies. Melbourne was where he was most relaxed and, even though we were a poor Phamly and Mum had to stretch every cent of their pensions and our youth allowance to keep a roof over our heads, electricity in the home, and food on the table; it was also the first time Dad felt at home since he'd left Vietnam. Germany was where he had to make his home after the war, but we were very much outsiders. Melbourne is where he had community and friendship - and Vietnamese food!

Distance and Dad Pham's penchant for changing phone numbers every few years because he gets over being popular and wants to hermit for a while put him out of touch with most of his friends. Recently, a Melbourne friend called him after nearly a decade without contact and it sent him down memory lane.

Dad used to go for sauna and swim session most days, and morning walks or bike rides along Maribyrnong River with this friend. Bac Yen tracked down Dad's number through a mutual friend and for over an hour they caught up on each other's lives, compared old age battle stories, and reminisced about the past. For a full week, Dad was keen to win the lotto so he could move us all down to live in a row of townhouses and be near his favourite Melbourne people and spots. That fantasy died when he remembered how cold Melbourne gets, and how he can barely cope with Brisbane winters now. If anyone has lived through Brisbane winters, it's cardigan weather (if that) for Melbourne peeps.

Melbourne may have been the happiest time of his life, but Dad came to realise the past is past and even if he moved down things wouldn't be what they were. He and his friends no longer have the energy to go for long walks every day, and the massive feasts wouldn't be the same without Mum Pham to cook and host them.

I wonder what time in my life I will look back on as my fondest. I'm kinda loving where I'm at now. But Dad likes to remind me that I'm simple, and I'm always happy because I'm content with what I have. Maybe I won't have a favourite time of my life, because pretty much all of it is my favourite. Even Mum's inevitable passing, though devastating as it was, taught me to love and appreciate on a deeper level than I had before so I don't look back on that time as a bad part of my life.



If you want to start from the beginning of Phamly history, read:
Part 1 - O Captain! My Captain! Dad Pham's navy days during the Vietnam War.
Part 2 - P.O.W. Viet Cong Re-education Camp Dad Pham's time as a prisoner of war.
Part 3 - Living with Viet Cong Mum Pham's experience with communism.
Part 4 - Boat People Dad Pham seeks refuge after the war.
Part 5 - Finding Faith Dad finds peace.
Part 6 - When Herr met Frau - Dad Pham meets Mum Pham.
Part 7 - Life in Germany: the early years - Dad Pham sets up life in Germany.
Part 8 - Life in Germany: the later years - Dad gets sick, Mum steps up.
Part 9 - Getting ready for Australia - Mum Pham is on a mission.
Part 10 - Coming to Australia - My first memories of Australia.
Part 11 - Live in Brisbane the first time - The story of why we left Brisbane.
Part 12 - Moving to Melbourne - First impressions.
Part 13 - Life in Melbourne - Dad Pham - The good old days.
Part 14 - The Other Phams - Our neighbours in Melbourne were Phams too.
Part 15 - Life in Melbourne - Mum Pham - Our Sunday Phamly traditions began in Melbourne.
Part 16 - Cats On A Train - Moving to Brisbane
Part 17 - Sleepwalking Scare - Moving to Brisbane continued
Part 18 - A House in Brisbane - Moving to Brisbane continued some more

It was mental health week recently. It reminded me I’ve been meaning to write this post for maybe a year now but I’ve never quite figured out what to tell and where to start. So I guess I’ll start where Mum Pham learned that Dad Pham was suffering from mental illness.

It's one of life's great jokes that Dad Pham can steer a rickety ship loaded with desperate refugees into open ocean, yet he can't drive a car in Australia. I'd always known my parents were Vietnam War refugees, but I only learned in recent years that Dad Pham was the one sailing the boat out to sea. I mean, he is a retired navy captain - it makes sense now that I know but it never crossed my mind until he volunteered the story. Like with all Dad facts, it was randomly and matter-of-factly dropped into the middle of a conversation about a beach trip.

Last Sunday I asked him if he was scared when he was on the boat. He answered, "No. I accepted my death before I left the shore. That's why so many people stayed behind - they couldn't face death. I knew I'd rather die at sea than live with the Viet Cong." I can't imagine being so desperate that I'd risk death for a small chance at a better life.

Soon after Dad was released from the 're-education camp,' he was approached by people who had a boat but no one to drive it. They promised him money in exchange for his help, but they and Dad knew they couldn't afford to pay him. Being a former prisoner of war, Dad and anyone he associated with would be persecuted if he stayed. He made the tough decision to leave his family and friends behind.

Dad couldn't tell many people he planned to leave because whispers of fleeing could lead to persecution or execution. He did tell the woman he was in love with. She was a secret love not even her brothers knew about. He asked her to come with him but she didn't want to leave her parents behind. They reconnected over email recently and Dad doesn't know how to use email so I was his go-between, which is the only reason I learned about her. She's now a successful chef at a Western hotel in Vietnam.

When the time came to go, Dad snuck a rickety fishing boat filled to the brim with refugees out into the ocean. He knew the busy thoroughfare in open ocean beyond Vietnam's borders where commercial ships traveled and that's where he navigated towards. They risked pirates, drowning, dehydration, starvation along the way; and when they reached their destination they risked abandonment as dozens of ships avoided the refugee boats for political, economical, social, whatever reasons. Dad always says his trip was blessed by God because of the many moments things could have gone bad but didn't. I knew kids in school who weren't so lucky - one witnessed his father's decapitation by pirates so I don't get mad that he went on to hurt me in primary school. Hurt people hurt others - it's a sad life cycle I refuse to perpetuate.

When they reached the thoroughfare, Dad Pham watched dozens of ships ignore their pleas for help. Finally, he made the men on the boat take down the cloth shades that provided some protection from the sun to reveal the people aboard the boat. His idea worked. Showing the passing ships that his boat carried mainly women and children is the reason a German commercial ship stopped to rescue them.

The photo is of Dad in Singapore where the German ship took all the refugees from Dad's boat while they waited to be processed as refugees and flown to Europe. I'll tell you about his journey from Singapore to Germany in the next episode, and how he found faith after witnessing the worst in humanity.



If you want to start from the beginning of Phamly history, read:
Part 1 - O Captain! My Captain! Dad Pham's navy days during the Vietnam War.
Part 2 - P.O.W. Viet Cong Re-education Camp Dad Pham's time as a prisoner of war.
Part 3 - Living with Viet Cong Mum Pham's experience with communism.
Part 4 - Boat People Dad Pham seeks refuge after the war.
Part 5 - Finding Faith Dad finds peace.
Part 6 - When Herr met Frau - Dad Pham meets Mum Pham.
Part 7 - Life in Germany: the early years - Dad Pham sets up life in Germany.
Part 8 - Life in Germany: the later years - Dad gets sick, Mum steps up.
Part 9 - Getting ready for Australia - Mum Pham is on a mission.
Part 10 - Coming to Australia - My first memories of Australia.
Part 11 - Live in Brisbane the first time - The story of why we left Brisbane.
Part 12 - Moving to Melbourne - First impressions.
Part 13 - Life in Melbourne - Dad Pham - The good old days.
Part 14 - The Other Phams - Our neighbours in Melbourne were Phams too.
Part 15 - Life in Melbourne - Mum Pham - Our Sunday Phamly traditions began in Melbourne.
Part 16 - Cats On A Train - Moving to Brisbane
Part 17 - Sleepwalking Scare - Moving to Brisbane continued
Part 18 - A House in Brisbane - Moving to Brisbane continued some more

Dad Pham thinks his children are wusses who can't handle the tough life because we were spoiled by Australia's cushy lifestyle. He's right. But he wouldn't have it any other way. He and Mum Pham sacrificed a lot so we could live this sweet, blessed life where we're more likely to be killed by eating too much and exercising too little than malnutrition and labourious jobs.

I sometimes wonder what our lives would be like if Mum Pham and Dad Pham had stayed in Germany.

Our Sunday Phamly dinners wouldn't be just it - it'd be with my Aunties & Uncles. I would grow up close to and mentored by Aunty 9's daughter - she's a kindred spirit, I can tell. Big Brother Pham would grow up close to Aunty 9's son, and our Long Lost German Cousin would have guided him along an easier life path than the one he took. I'm not sure who Little Sissy Pham would be close to - she'd be the darling of both sides of the Pham being the youngest, and also adorable. We'd all speak fluent German and OK Vietnamese and bad English if any.

My career path would be different. I'd probably still be a writer, I was always a quiet, pondering introvert even as a kid - but maybe with my creative cousin, I'd have pursued writing and design instead of math & science, which left me in the middle ground once I realised I wanted to work in a creative field, and had no skills to hone. Or perhaps, I would have been more social growing up, and not living in my own world in my head so wouldn't have developed my writing skills - instead, I could be building fast cars or aeroplanes, which was my other interest as a teen. Or it could be totally different again - who knows what opportunities Europe has that Australia doesn't.

It's strange to think that instead of moving to Melbourne for work, I would have moved to Berlin or Barcelona or Amsterdam instead. I doubt I'd have stayed in the small town some of our relatives still live in. A lot are still in Germany in different parts of the country though.

Ah well, what if... but things didn't happen that way, and if they did I wouldn't have my gorgeous nieces or all the people in my life that I love. It's just fun to ponder sometimes.