KEEP IT IN THE PHAMLY

Over the Xmas to NYE break, B.Rad and B.Jammin' (aka "my gays") invited me to stay with them in the Northern Rivers area. The boys were in Lismore for Tropical Fruits Festival, a four-day GLBTI celebration which is bloody amazing and far too fabulous for someone as straight, sober and not into electronica as my dull self so I didn't stay for NYE or the recovery parties on NYD. Though, I marched in the gay pride parade in town a couple of days before, because unity and also because my gays said I didn't have an option.

I hardly get to see the B.Boys now we live in different states, so I drove down in my bum-numbing cheap car for their excellent company and great day trips to beautiful beaches, waterfalls and swimming holes. It was bloody friggin' hot though, and there's only so much nature us city plebs can handle before we melt. Whenever we weren't in or near water we struggled majorly.

Luckily, my gays had friends nearby and said friends had a life-restoring pool. These friends were so warm, welcoming and fun that when I got back home to Brisbane, I knew I had to make them my first act of Other People's Happiness for 2017. I sent them a couple of inflatable pool games as a thank you for being amazing, strong, hilarious women and for saving my life because I'm pretty sure I would have died from embarrassment at how poorly I was handling the heat. Hopefully, they have a little happy moment when they receive the card & gifts.

Thank you again, Katrina & Alex for being awesome human beings! I appreciate you.

There was a moment this year when the CEO at work asked me to recheck some figures because something was off by one, and I replied, "I did the split and I don't really make mistakes like that." Not because I'm cocky but because I am methodical - hence, project management life. By the way, I rechecked figures and I was right because duh. I'm not really someone who makes mistakes at work... or at least, admit to them. My mistakes tend to happen in my personal life. These are my favourite mistakes of 2016:


1/ It's Not A Tumor
The worst and best moment of my year was in April 2016 when Middling Niece had an awful kidney infection and cancer scare. Friggin' doctors scared the living crap out of my Phamly when they warned us some growths visible on scans could be cancer coming back and I bawled my eyes out like I hadn't done in years. This was during a peak period at work as well, so I spent my long days consumed by deadlines, my evenings in hospital playing with my niece to break up her boredom and my nights trying not to cry more before repeating the same cycle next day. It turns out what the doctors thought could be her cancer returning was just a bizarre mucus caused by an infection so bad they hadn't seen anything like it before. My mistake was listening to the experts - Middling Niece is still in remission. That's the last time I listen to doctors!

2/ The Long Ending
I struggled for most of this year with a long distance relationship. It actually felt like work and no fun but I kept it up because I don't like admitting defeat. I'm stubborn like that. It was a big mistake not to end things sooner - we both were finding it hard to keep ourselves and each other happy. The reason it makes my favourites list is because the drawn out ending meant I didn't have the shocked heartbreak of a sudden ending, I had relief like a weight had been lifted. It changed my energy and as soon as I became single, I made some ridiculously fabulous and supportive new friends, and am still meeting interesting and fun new people.

3/ The Unsexiest Tinder Profile
My pics aren't my best but they sum me up pretty well, I think. One dude actually told me I'm cuter on my Instagram than my Tinder profile and I'm not doing myself justice. That's right, I had Tinder profiles mansplained to me. Unmatch - ain't nobody got time for dat.

I also quote my parents in my bio 'cause there is nothing sexier than making guys think about your parents while they're trying to picture you naked to decide whether you're bone-worthy.

Mum: "Ngoc (Jade) was the duck (she means dux) of her school. She could have done anything with her life but she chose music (now fashion) and that's why her hair's like that." 

Dad: "Your mind is simple. That's why you're a happy person." Turns over my palm. "See? Look how clear the lines are. You don't think much."

The good part is, I think I filter out all the gross men with my super goofy profile. So far the men who don't care about me as a human being and only want vagina time have been awfully polite and considerate in their offers. While at the same time, the dudes that seem interested in who I am as a person seem genuine.


So, in conclusion, things I've learned from 2016 is never listen to experts, taking forever to end a relationship isn't a bad thing, and being unsexy in the online dating world is good for avoiding mega creeps. Here's to new and better mistakes in 2017!

We don't celebrate Xmas normally in our Phamly because Vietnamese. We usually gift the little ones because their Italian-Australian half is into Xmas and eat our usual Phamly dinner of rice paper rolls or banh xeo (Viet pancakes). This year, their Italian-Australian mother is cooking a lamb leg and all of a sudden we have to learn how to Xmas the Aussie way.

Little Sissy Pham turns to her boyfriend and says, "You're white. How do we do white Christmas?" In his family it's meat, potato and veggies. Sounds easy enough. Then yesterday, Apple made Little Sissy Pham and I a delicious pre-Xmas dinner and showed us how Xmas is done in the real world. Meat, potato bake, mango & avocado salad followed by Xmas treaty desserts. We are stealing her ideas for the Phamly's first white Christmas tonight. We do Xmas on Xmas Eve because Mum Pham and Dad Pham learned how to Christmas in Germany. It's all a mixed bag of multi-cultural references really.

Wishing everyone a nice holiday season whatever you celebrate or don't celebrate. I hope you get a break from reality to reflect on 2016 - the good and the bad, and clear the slate for whatever comes next. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to prep for my second day of eating for 10 hours straight. Love to all.

Overexcited aunties strike again. 🎁

A photo posted by Jade (@thephamly) on Dec 23, 2016 at 5:14pm PST

I renewed my driver's licence recently - I look same, same but different. As Dad Pham likes to remind me, it's a miracle or dumb luck that I ever got my licence because my un-coordination extends into driving. I used to be an anxious, bad driver but I've improved over the years - these days, I'm a confident, bad driver. I don't know which is worse. Kidding - I'm actually half decent at driving; it's the parking and then remembering where I parked that I remain awful at.

A lot has happened in the 5 years since I moved back to Brisbane and got a QLD licence made. I have:

• grown out my fringe
• switched jobs a lot
• failed at online dating
• a lot
• fallen in and out of love
• stopped grieving
• had my heart broken 
• twice. 

According to Little Sissy Pham, I am "older and less angry."

Since reaching my 30s, I've become a lot more zen and comfortable in my own skin. Part of it is accepting myself for who I am - a quirky, imperfect, sometimes dopey, sometimes intelligent, optimistic human being; and part of it is knowing whose opinion matters to me and not caring what the rest of the world thinks. I've also learned you can't please everyone, and if your loved ones love you back, they'll accept and support your decisions - even when you've made a terrible call. Bless the good souls in my life.

I spent too much of my 20s doing things because I felt I should be doing them, not because I wanted to. Prioritising career over family & friends - no more, partying all the time - no more,  drinking socially despite my allergy - no more, eating animal despite my guilt - no more. Losing Mum Pham when I was 27 woke me up from that life path. I felt lost in space for a year or so before I found my feet again, much more grounded than before.

There's an easy freedom in being yourself. Life doesn't weigh you down with worries about what you should or shouldn't be/want/do/have. I'm hoping this newfound sense of self will help me navigate the wacky world of dating and relating to other human beings... and I don't end up dating someone else's monogamous boyfriend again.

It's one of life's great jokes that Dad Pham can steer a rickety ship loaded with desperate refugees into open ocean, yet he can't drive a car in Australia. I'd always known my parents were Vietnam War refugees, but I only learned in recent years that Dad Pham was the one sailing the boat out to sea. I mean, he is a retired navy captain - it makes sense now that I know but it never crossed my mind until he volunteered the story. Like with all Dad facts, it was randomly and matter-of-factly dropped into the middle of a conversation about a beach trip.

Last Sunday I asked him if he was scared when he was on the boat. He answered, "No. I accepted my death before I left the shore. That's why so many people stayed behind - they couldn't face death. I knew I'd rather die at sea than live with the Viet Cong." I can't imagine being so desperate that I'd risk death for a small chance at a better life.

Soon after Dad was released from the 're-education camp,' he was approached by people who had a boat but no one to drive it. They promised him money in exchange for his help, but they and Dad knew they couldn't afford to pay him. Being a former prisoner of war, Dad and anyone he associated with would be persecuted if he stayed. He made the tough decision to leave his family and friends behind.

Dad couldn't tell many people he planned to leave because whispers of fleeing could lead to persecution or execution. He did tell the woman he was in love with. She was a secret love not even her brothers knew about. He asked her to come with him but she didn't want to leave her parents behind. They reconnected over email recently and Dad doesn't know how to use email so I was his go-between, which is the only reason I learned about her. She's now a successful chef at a Western hotel in Vietnam.

When the time came to go, Dad snuck a rickety fishing boat filled to the brim with refugees out into the ocean. He knew the busy thoroughfare in open ocean beyond Vietnam's borders where commercial ships traveled and that's where he navigated towards. They risked pirates, drowning, dehydration, starvation along the way; and when they reached their destination they risked abandonment as dozens of ships avoided the refugee boats for political, economical, social, whatever reasons. Dad always says his trip was blessed by God because of the many moments things could have gone bad but didn't. I knew kids in school who weren't so lucky - one witnessed his father's decapitation by pirates so I don't get mad that he went on to hurt me in primary school. Hurt people hurt others - it's a sad life cycle I refuse to perpetuate.

When they reached the thoroughfare, Dad Pham watched dozens of ships ignore their pleas for help. Finally, he made the men on the boat take down the cloth shades that provided some protection from the sun to reveal the people aboard the boat. His idea worked. Showing the passing ships that his boat carried mainly women and children is the reason a German commercial ship stopped to rescue them.

The photo is of Dad in Singapore where the German ship took all the refugees from Dad's boat while they waited to be processed as refugees and flown to Europe. I'll tell you about his journey from Singapore to Germany in the next episode, and how he found faith after witnessing the worst in humanity.



If you want to start from the beginning of Phamly history, read:
Part 1 - O Captain! My Captain! Dad Pham's navy days during the Vietnam War.
Part 2 - P.O.W. Viet Cong Re-education Camp Dad Pham's time as a prisoner of war.
Part 3 - Living with Viet Cong Mum Pham's experience with communism.
Part 4 - Boat People Dad Pham seeks refuge after the war.
Part 5 - Finding Faith Dad finds peace.
Part 6 - When Herr met Frau - Dad Pham meets Mum Pham.
Part 7 - Life in Germany: the early years - Dad Pham sets up life in Germany.
Part 8 - Life in Germany: the later years - Dad gets sick, Mum steps up.
Part 9 - Getting ready for Australia - Mum Pham is on a mission.
Part 10 - Coming to Australia - My first memories of Australia.
Part 11 - Live in Brisbane the first time - The story of why we left Brisbane.
Part 12 - Moving to Melbourne - First impressions.
Part 13 - Life in Melbourne - Dad Pham - The good old days.
Part 14 - The Other Phams - Our neighbours in Melbourne were Phams too.
Part 15 - Life in Melbourne - Mum Pham - Our Sunday Phamly traditions began in Melbourne.
Part 16 - Cats On A Train - Moving to Brisbane
Part 17 - Sleepwalking Scare - Moving to Brisbane continued
Part 18 - A House in Brisbane - Moving to Brisbane continued some more

Rise and shine! Unlike the majority of morning risers in the park walking their furry family, I am walking my Fitbit and Pokemon Go, while listening to my favourite Podcasts. I'm not loyal - I get bored of podcasts and move on but these are the ones that have stood the test of time:

Radiolab - http://www.radiolab.org
Of course, one of my all time faves is a well-rounded, -researched and -written science podcast. Each episode always has me intrigued by intricacies of life, and I always feel like I've gained knowledge or discovered a new way to look at old things. I save my Radiolab podcasts for quiet time - usually before bed so I'm not distracted and can focus on the details. Who knew the world is so interesting? Radiolab.

Myths & Legends - https://www.mythpodcast.com
I love fairy tales, I love folklore, I love random stories from around the world. But I don't have time to read/listen to full tales let alone research and find which versions I should read. Myths & Legends by Jason Weiser cleverly edits summarises historical epics into short and sweet episodes with a cheeky sense of humour about some of the ridiculous elements of stories.

Lore - http://www.lorepodcast.com
So excited that Lore by writer Aaron Mahnke is going to made into a television show! It's well-written and spooky as. I can't listen to Lore at night - it keeps me up. I can't listen to Lore in the park - it creeps me out. I can only listen to Lore in morning traffic on the long drive to work because there's daylight and I have to focus on not crashing so I don't have time to dwell on the stories and creep myself out.

Astonishing Legends - http://www.astonishinglegends.com
Recently discovered this when I caught up on Lore's back catalogue. The show covers urban legends, unexplained mysteries and other creepy things. I occasionally brave it in the park but sometimes I get too creeped out by the supernatural stories, and have to switch to lighter listening. Like True Crime.

Generation Why - http://thegenerationwhypodcast.com
This is my faourite of all the true crime podcasts because Justin & Aaron have such good rapport. The duo grew up friends. Generation Why do their research then discuss their thoughts on the findings in a cool and relaxed way in a conversational format, which makes it easier to listen to than scripted podcasts. I look forward to their weekly releases and, yes, I am in the official Generation Why Facebook Group.

Casefile - http://casefilepodcast.com
I got onto Casefile after I crunched through Generation Why's massive back catalogue. I tried a few different podcasts but Casefile is the only one that stuck, which surprised me because the host has an Aussie accent that I sometimes find jarring since all the podcasts I listen to normally have an American accent. Casefile covers true crime stories from around the world, but also Australian ones which is nice (and also scary that it happens in places I've been or know). Stick it out through the first few episodes. The host gets better and talks slower and more clearly these days.

In The Dark - http://www.apmreports.org/in-the-dark 
I became obsessed with this short series. It's a really interesting and informative listen on how one child abduction in particular changed the way the USA handled such cases. You'll see that Australian law has mimicked the USA laws in recent history.

Detective - http://www.investigationdiscovery.com
This podcast is SO interesting. I love listening to the other side of murder from a retired homicide detective. Normally, podcast hosts are true crime fans - they haven't worked in the field. So it's refreshing to get a different perspective.

Savage Lovecast - http://www.savagelovecast.com
The OG favourite that got me into listening to Podcasts. I resisted this technology for the longest time because I am old and out of touch. Dan Savage is the sassiest and smartest unqualified sex and relationship advice-giver out there. There's a free version with ads so you can try it, then if you're like me you'll become obsessed and become a paid subscriber to get episodes that are twice as long, have special guest interviewees and no ads.

I love his take on life and always look forward to his rants at the start of each show about relevant politics, laws, news. You want to be open-minded when listening to Dan - he doesn't tone things down for the easily-offended.Whenever I struggle with the dating thing or try the relating to humans thing, I ask myself, 'What would Dan Savage tell me to do?'

Women Of The Hour - https://soundcloud.com/womenofthehour
Lena Dunham's podcast. Of course, I listen to an empowered, intelligent, feminist podcast. I have to balance out all the true crime podcasts where I constantly listen to stories women being victimised. Lena Dunham interviews strong, informed, inspiring women from all walks of life and all areas of expertise on her podcast. Very inspirational.

Serial - https://serialpodcast.org
Serial covers one crime each season. Season One was brilliant and felt like it sucked the world into the Adnan Syed case. Season Two about Bowe Bergdahl was intriguing at first but I lost interest by the end - maybe because I couldn't relate to American patriotism and also military life.


So these are the podcasts I'm subscribed to. Hope you enjoy some of them as much as I do!

I am on my way to becoming a stinky hippie. That's my way of saying I've been experimenting with different 'natural' deodorants. It all started with learning that all anti-perspirant deodorants in supermarkets contained conflict or unsustainable palm oil, and I'm trying to avoid products that hurt orangutans' feelings so I had to stop using my favourite Dove roll-on because: evil.

I went on a researching and sniffing spree of any palm oil free deodorants I could find. Here is what I tried and the varying results - basically it was 6 months of painful, itchy and/or stinking armpits until I found the one for me:

Eco Sonya Roll-on Coconut Deodorant – Pleasantly scented roll-on that needed twice-a-day application and sometimes I still smelled. I used it for about 6 weeks and would have kept it up except my skin reacted badly to their bicarb soda blend and I ended up with dry, flaky, irritated patches of armpit.

Sanctum Women's Deodorant – This was bicard free but also effectiveness free. I found it did nothing for my stench. I don't know how my workmates did not comment once the full 2 weeks I tried it. I seriously ponged.
Zoo Deodorant – I decided to try a paste next hoping something thicker would be more effective. I got this paste instead of the super popular and most well-known Black Chicken Remedies Axilla Deodorant Paste because reviews of the Black Chicken one had a significant number of people reacting to bicarb like I did with Eco Sonya. Zoo Deodorant worked OK but I did get smelly on the occasional day. Again, I would have stuck with it but then I learned the clay element of the paste gave me horrible ingrowns - painful red welts. Again, no dice.

Crystal Essence Crystal Deodorant – I've used a deodorant crystal in the past - the actual rock, and they work a treat for killing odour causing bacteria. I didn't want to go back to the crystal rock since I found it scratchy if the crystal chipped. But Crystal Essence make it in liquid roll-on form! This is what I've been using on the regular. It keeps me from smelling and lets me sweat so my skin doesn't get irritated for feel clogged. My armpits have never felt so free.

UPDATE 30/3/17: I now use the deodorant crystal because as much as I love the liquid form, it's so much plastic packaging. The actual crystal lasts a year where the liquid lasts only a few months.