KEEP IT IN THE PHAMLY

Mum Pham and Dad Pham were the human manifestations of 'opposites attract.' When we visited both sides of our Phamly in Europe it was interesting to see that their opposing traits run on their respective bloodlines.

Dad has always been physically fit and active and capable. Mum was never into sports or fitness and her activity was gardening. I am a combo of the two. I try to be active like Dad, but I have the 'Mum gene' as we call it - making me quite uncoordinated and dopey at all physical activity. I can see why Mum wasn't into physical activities, the mum gene makes everything a potential health hazard. Little Sissy Pham is the opposite combo to me. She has Dad's physique and was good at sports as a kid, though now prefers to sit on the couch with her cat and laptop - like Mum used to do.

When we met with Mum's side of The Phamly, it was a lot of sitting down for meals and talking - Mum's favourite things. Then when Dad's side caught up with us, there was lots of outdoor activity and walking around tourist sites - Dad's favourite things.

Dad's side are all physically fit, and conversation got heated when they talked politics. I don't know about the German side, but back home there a family feuds and little spats that Dad tells me about every now and then. Mum's side were are placid and soft spoken, and conflict isn't thing - everyone gets along with everyone else.

It makes me wonder what other family traits run through bloodlines and upbringing without people realising. It's so strange! And cool!

The train ride through north Italy into Switzerland was absolutely stunning. We went from Milan to Geneva via a town called Stresa. It went from grassy green fields to rich, green mountains and lakes during the trip. I wish the ride was longer than it was so I could feel that relaxed for longer watching the scenery go by.

All the photos I've seen don't do this picturesque country justice. There were waterfalls along the way, and I saw people hang-gliding off mountain tops. I adore this experience, and recall the memory fondly - if you're planning a trip to Europe, Switzerland is worth a stop-by or ride through it's honestly that beautiful. We were there at the end of summer, but some mountains were still snow capped because they were so high. Switzerland had crispy blue skies the whole time we were there - I loved it.

Hello Geneva.

A post shared by Jade (@thephamly) on Aug 26, 2017 at 7:53am PDT

We had two days to explore Geneva before we moved onto Germany for our Phamly Reunion. The lake at the city centre and the giant mountainous backdrop makes it idyllic. I can't believe a place like this exists. The first day we went for a walk along the lake to the far side and saw the flower clock then backtracked for cheap food near the hotel.

We randomly saw a police dog show in the park near the flower clock because why not? Geneva I found really relaxing, probably our second most chilled spot to visit besides Barcelona but for different reasons. It's a quieter town with not much hustle and bustle - going for strolls by the lake was the thing to do, and on the weekend locals set up little charcoal BBQs all over the park. It was perfect for my audiobook + walking habit. I think I'd get bored if I lived there but visiting was a fun time.

Swan lake.

A post shared by Jade (@thephamly) on Aug 26, 2017 at 7:55am PDT

Aunty Van is Dad Pham’s late sister. I wish we’d had the chance to reunite because she loved us dearly when we were tiny tots. I think she'd be happy to see us all grown up. She used to play tug-of-war with Mum Pham and Aunty 9 back in the day. Aunty Van happened to live in the same building as Aunty 9 but a few levels higher. So Mum Pham would come to visit her sister on the lower level, then Dad Pham would visit his sister on the upper level. Mum would go up and get us from Aunty Van's house, then a little while later Aunty Van would send her daughters down to retrieve us, then Mum would go back up and get us.


Aunty Van bathed us every week as kids. I always thought that a little strange but never questioned it. It wasn't until we went to our old house we learned that when our Phamly first moved in there was no heated water so mum used to have to boil water on the stove to bathe us. But it was difficult with three young kids so we bathed at our aunties house. Later heating and hot water were installed but Dad was tight with the moneys - he was still saving and sending money back home - so we all had coughs and colds when we were tiny tots. Brisbane would have been such a stark change from the German weather.

Aunty Van's kids include the Long Lost German Cousin (Anh D) who I connected with on Facebook a couple of years back. Yes! We finally got to meet him and hug him and learn about his time with The Phamly in Germany. Anh D and his sisters Chi N & Chi G all took time off work to come and meet us in our hometown because they are living legends. He brought his whole family along too so we got to see how his life turned out.

Our cousins took us back to our old apartment near the town centre. While we were hovering outside the main door, a lady entered the building and after our cousins explained that we were visiting from the other side of the world and used to live here, she kindly let us in to have a look around. I made Little Sissy Pham pose at the base of the stairs she tumbled down as a kid - Mum loved that story. She put Little Sissy down while she locked the door, next minute she turns around and her 2 year old is rolling down the stairs - Mum has a panic attack of course but Little Sissy just stands up like nothing has happened ‘cause she’s all rugged up in so many winter layers.

I wish Big Brother Pham could have come with us - maybe for the next trip over. He is four years older than me and old enough to remember Germany and our cousins. Anh D told us how hectic Big Bro used to be as a kid - always hyper and running around and jumping on sofas and beds. He used to drive Anh D's dad insane because his dad was super strict and children were to be seen, not heard. Whereas Mum & Dad Pham let us run amok our whole lives, only guiding us if we ever went food far but really it's their fault I have such an independent and stubborn streak - no rules for me! Hopefully Anh D comes to Australia once his kids are older and we can show him the same hospitality.

Rome
The train rides to, from and in Italy are beautiful. My favourite train rides of the whole trip. The rolling hills behind flat green fields and farms is so beautiful. I loved the views.

Though, Rome is where the whole group got different symptoms of the same sick. Fevers, runny noses, loss of appetite (I know, in Italy where all our favourite foods live - how horrendous!), fatigue - we were bedridden for two of the four nights here. So, Rome was fun but exhausting. We did all the tourist things - walked the inner city and visited lots of fountains, obelisks, and buildings so old like the Pantheon that our little minds were blown. Unfortunately for us, it was peak summer heatwave while we were there so our sick bodies did not cope so well. Watching the sunset over the city from different viewpoints was definitely a highlight. It's a stunning city.

Another day, another country. Hello Vatican City.

A post shared by Jade (@thephamly) on Aug 22, 2017 at 11:30am PDT

Vatican City
Do not go to Vatican City without a tour booking. The lines looked godawful. We booked ahead, and it was a breeze getting in and around. We went with City Wonders who I highly recommend - it was a really friendly, professional and knowledgeable experience. I wouldn't have appreciated the city as much if we hadn't learned about its history and purpose as we ventured around.

Look back in time.

A post shared by Jade (@thephamly) on Aug 22, 2017 at 11:34am PDT

The Colosseum & The Forum
As part of the Vatican City tour, we also booked a trip to the Colosseum & the Colosseum with the same tour promoters. It was bloody hot and everyone struggled in the sun, but I loved the historical elements. Still can't believe I walked where famous gladiators, emperors and philosophers walked in the past. Crazy.

Hello Venice.

A post shared by Jade (@thephamly) on Aug 24, 2017 at 11:22am PDT

Venice
Venice is beautiful but one dimensional. There's not much to it. But it is very pretty.
the big saint Marc building had such a massive queue to get in we didn't want to waste our one day there waiting. So we walked around and to the other side of the island where we had lunch at a dockside restaurant overlooking the cemetery island. So pretty. I sacrificed a gondola ride (which is a must-do!) so the loved up couple I was with could have a romantic evening, and walked around the whole island instead. I could have done with a second day of exploring there but if you're short on time, one day is enough to get a feel for the city.

Hello Milan.

A post shared by Jade (@thephamly) on Aug 25, 2017 at 6:57am PDT

Milan
I'm not huge on consumerism at the moment, mainly because I don't have money to burn and partially because needless consumerism is terrible for the planet. Do I really need another pair of sneakers? Well, no...but maybe yes. But no. If I was here to shop I'd be in retail heaven because the stores here are huge compared to Australia's small shopfronts.

The city itself though, was underwhelming compared to the other cities I'd just visited. There are beautiful big, old style stone buildings throughout the city centre, but they lacked personality because they were so pristine. I wouldn't visit here again unless it was for a massive spending spree I know I'll never do, because if I had that much money I'd be traveling the world hoarding experiences, not things.

I've decided to stop online dating, and I suppose that means offline dating too since I only meet dudes online. I like failing to some extent, because it means I tried. However, I believe there are only so many times you should fail at the same thing over and over before you admit defeat. I'm no good at online dating - it's better for people who like texting which I hate, being flirty or playing mind games which I’m terrible at, and random hookups which I don't enjoy. I don’t know why I kept it up for so long. Dating is clearly not for me.

Our Phamly fortune-teller said I live in the world as it should be, not as it is so I will always struggle to make my idealism a reality. He is right - I want the ideal partner; someone of substance who'd become my best friend and back me on things, since I'm always taking care of other people but haven't had someone in my corner since Mum Pham passed. It honestly sucks not having someone you trust around to reassure you things will be turn out OK.

Now I think of it, this must be why I started (attempting) to date in recent years. I'd always been content to be single before Mum’s death. I never questioned why I suddenly thought dating was a thing I should do until now. I missed having someone that had my back the way she did - no matter what happened, I knew she’d always be there for me whether to support me or to shut my dumb idea down. But I’m not going to find that in the online dating world - it's full of broken people, and I'm too unlucky to meet a good one. My one attempt at a relationship from Tinder was a total fail because I met a lying cheater and was stupid enough to think we could build an honest relationship. And I've been failing at all other types of dates before and since then too.

I've been ‘taking breaks’ from Tinder the past year and a half since we broke up, and it's taken me this long to realise I don’t want to take breaks, I want to stop. I am totally burnt out, and so over spending time getting to know people I don't like. If I'm going to bother with other humans I'd rather my energy go towards friends who care about me.

It's not all dire though. Life took pity on me, and delivered a friend who's new to Brisbane so he’s up for random ventures about town. Things my coupled friends don’t have time for because they’re doing things with partners or other friends. It's the time out I need from boring dates I never want to see again. I might get back into the dating thing one day - whenever I next feel like punishing myself with disinterested bozos who treat me like a piece of meat, or interested weirdos who treat me like an alien species. For now - boys, bye.

We did a day trip from Nice that took us along the French Riviera and to Monaco. It was one of only 3 tours we did this trip. We lucked out - our tour group was a really fun South African family who joked around and poked fun at everything in a good natured way making the whole day more fun.

Monaco is such a strange country. How can somewhere so tiny be so rich, have helicopters as an Uber option, and so many fashion model-looking policemen? Ridiculous! We basically did this tour because it included Monaco and Little Sissy Pham’s boyfriend is a mad Formula 1 fan and this tour took us to Monte Carlo along part of their Formula 1 track. We got to see the starting line, but then a Harley Davidson festival and hundreds of bikies closed down the infamous tunnel so we couldn’t drive through. Worst timing.

The country will forever be the first time I’ve seen an elevator weight limit get triggered. The tour group went up in the lift together, but then we all had too much to eat at lunch, and on the way down the tour guide sacrificed himself for the overweight tourists and ran down the stairs. Achievement unlocked.

We visited a small town called Èze - a gorgeous stone town with gardens along its cliffside. The whole day was filled with picturesque locations like this. Afterwards, we went to Cannes which I found underwhelming. The beach is nice but the whole beachfront was covered in hotels and not nice cute buildings like in Nice. We also went to Antibes, the deepest natural port and had a quick walk around the town.

To end the day, we went to Saint Paul de Vence the second most visited small town in France. It's ancient and beautiful and set on a mountain top and full of art galleries. We only had one hour there but if I had more time it would have been nice to look at all the galleries. I was drawn to the street art vendors but there was anything and everything there. 


Definitely in Monte Carlo.

A post shared by Jade (@thephamly) on Aug 19, 2017 at 10:07am PDT

It was inevitable that mum’s side would want to know more detail about how and why their beloved sister and Aunty passed away so young when we reunited with Aunty 6's kids. Mum Pham was the youngest of her siblings, and survived by four sisters - one in Melbourne, two in Germany and one in Vietnam. It hurt my heart to relive the loss but we had to for our cousins. They love Mum so much and deserve to know her final days.

Little Sissy Pham took the brunt of the struggle and anguish of watching a loved one pass. She was living at home and caring for Mum for her last months. It was traumatising for her but she recounted the heartbreak for our cousins. She told of how Mum Pham was in hospital and saw apparitions wearing white (Vietnamese funeral attire) who told her she was to go with them. That's when she fought with the hospital to be discharged, because she knew it was her time and wanted to be home when she died.

In a way it was good because Mum got to pass at home surrounded by her family and loved ones. She told Little Sissy Pham and Big Brother Pham that she was proud of them, and content to leave since her children were all doing well in life. We were raised a welfare family of refugee parents - it was a struggle some of the time, but we all overcame the disadvantages and hurdles life threw at us thanks to mum's sacrifices and hard work. My brother had a trade and family, my sister had a secure job and steady partner, and wildcard me also had steady work in the creative industries even though she didn't really understand what I do. Mum did so much for us kids to get us to this point in our lives where we could take care of ourselves, and care for her and Dad in turn.

I haven't told many people this because it hurt too much when it was fresh, and after a while we just never spoke of Mum's passing. My one, only and greatest regret in life is that I never got to say goodbye to Mum.

I was living in Melbourne at the time, when Little Sis called me mid-week to say Mum was home from hospital and that I should come visit, she was in denial so didn't tell me how dire Mum's situation was because she still held onto hope that the doctors could bring Mum back from the brink like before. I finished the work week thinking it was like my last visit to Brisbane only a couple months earlier to care for Mum till she was on a path to recovery, and I flew home on a Friday night. But it wasn't like last time at all.

This time Mum Pham was waiting up for my arrival home. She was awake when Little Sissy left to pick me up from the airport on the opposite side of town, but by the time I got to the house at 11.30pm, she had fallen asleep. She never regained full consciousness the next day. I'm confident she could hear, but she didn't have strength to open her eyes or speak. She was in too much pain to hug so I just lay next to her, and held her hand and told her how much I love her. But I didn't get a proper farewell or parting words of wisdom, love and appreciation like my siblings because I came home too late.

I wish I'd been by Mum's side for her final days of awareness. It was sad but nice to hear Little Sissy retell it to our cousins. I learned details I didn't know before. The days and weeks after Mum passed were a blur of funeral plans, and grieving, and taking care of everyone. I'm glad Mum knew it was her time to go, and content with the lives she helped us build.

Nice is a fun town. It’s a relaxed port and beach town. I thought Marseille would be more like this but it was too rough for my liking. Nice is much more chilled out and friendly tourist vibes in the old, heritage part of town where we stayed. Not as fab as Barcelona but still a nice atmosphere.

The pebble beach was an experience. Walking into the Mediterranean Sea was tricky but fun. The trek out once my skin was all soft and sea-soaked was a lot more painful. I gave up on trying to keep my dignity and crawled out of the water - it was really slippery where the waves broke on the pebbles. Suddenly, the locals wearing full foot-covering water shoes made sense.

The water was divine though. I spent most of my time not swimming and just floating on my back, looking up at the clear blue skies and being rocked by the waves while I listened to the sound of pebbles swaying to the water. I can feel my shoulders relaxing just remember this moment of bliss.

Hello Nice.

A post shared by Jade (@thephamly) on Aug 18, 2017 at 7:56am PDT

The city itself is fun to walk around and explore in. The buildings are colourful and bright, the esplanade by the beach stretches as far as the eye can see. There is a massive park called the Jardin Albert-Ier right by the main esplanade with statues and water features - we walked through it twice, once during the day and once at night to make the most of it. We slept terribly in Nice because we were in an old apartment and could hear all the noise on the streets where people partied until 5am or 6am each night we were there. It’s definitely a good place to holiday and party. I can see why Parisians head to Nice when they want a beach trip.


Cliff art.

A post shared by Jade (@thephamly) on Aug 18, 2017 at 8:03am PDT

Most of the time I feel really anti-social on social media. It’s like the lazy person’s way of keeping in touch with folks instead of emailing, messaging, calling, or meeting up with friends. But every now and then social media does what it’s supposed to do.

I shared a photo of the Eiffel Tower on Instagram and an old housemate from Melbourne commented to ask if I was in France. I wasn't at the time we messaged but I told him I was in Paris, and would be back in France but in Marseille and Nice next. Teeny, tiny world - he was visiting his hometown of Marseille at the time and we arranged a meet-up!

Marseille, the city, I didn't get to experience in full because we'd only planned to stay a night in a proper hotel (not an airbnb apartment) with nice air conditioning and roomy bathroom (all the luxuries we take for granted at home). We didn't do any of the tourist things, just went to the city docks, had food then met up with my old housemate for drinks. And then to make our small world even smaller, turns out 2 other French guys I'd lived with were both living in Marseille now. One was in the city so came to meet us, the other was heading out of town for a festival.


I loved seeing them, and remembering the wild old days back when I lived with 9 boys in a party warehouse space. Two were little boys when I knew them - it was their first time being away from home and they were living large in a different country on the other side of the world. I remember going on late night adventures together with the one I was closest to - lying on a little grassy mound in a park watching clouds pass over the stars, and sharing a kiss at a warehouse party. Now they're grown men, and lovely humans to boot.

I wish I'd known they were in Marseille and spent more time there, but that's what happens when you've only got 4.5 weeks to explore part of a dense continent and have no idea where any of your friends are. My impression of the city is it’s a bit dirty (so much dog poop) and super aggressive drivers that made it scary crossing roads. It had a strangely agro vibe considering it’s a picturesque seaside town, but it could just be the area we were staying in - we didn’t explore Marseille so I don’t know what it’s like elsewhere. If you have to choose between more time in Nice and more time in Marseille, I’d definitely go more time in Nice. Which is where we went next.

Stopover in a 'lil place called Marseille.

A post shared by Jade (@thephamly) on Aug 17, 2017 at 1:11pm PDT

Dad Pham told me how he left Vietnam by driving a boat of refugees, but I never knew the details of how Mum Pham ended up in Germany. That is, until we reunited with Aunty 6's children this year.

Aunty 6's kids took us to dinner twice - once to an all-you-can-eat Asian buffet place, and once to the most German pub they could find our hometown. Over dinner we shared stories of our lives in broken Vietnamese with bits of English. There was one story I'd never heard before.

As my cousin tells it, when South Vietnam fell to the North the communists accused them of being capitalists and took their house as punishment (though really they wanted it to house communists). Aunty 6's family was given 2 months to vacate to a rural plot of land without plumbing, power or roads. Being city dwellers, they didn't see how they'd survive in whoop-whoop with no agricultural skills or know-how.

This forced Mum's side of The Phamly to leave Vietnam. After living under communist rule for over a year, Mum Pham took all four of Aunty 6's kids with her when she fled Vietnam. They went in a small boat to a larger ship out at sea, like Dad but unlike Dad they paid their way onto the larger ship, instead of being rescued. As a result, Mum and her posse of my cousins were turned away from Australia, their original destination, because they weren't deemed refugees since they paid their way. Luckily, Germany was generous to take them in because Germany is where my parents met.

Sadly, Aunty 6 was in hospital in Frankfurt when we were in Germany and we didn't get to see her. Aunty 6 is the one who smuggled the diamonds in my diamond ring out of Vietnam with her when she left because she didn't want the communists to have them.

I didn't know her children viewed my Mum as a second mother to them. I didn't know took them to Germany alone when they were teens, and took care of them in Germany, and settled them into their new lives before helping their parents migrate over. I had always assumed their family had fled to Germany together.

It's great to see our cousins are doing well. One owns a pharmacy in beautiful Marburg, and another owns the only Asian grocer in our hometown. Their kids are really bright and intelligent. And also huge. Little Sissy Pham and I dwarfed our cousins, but their kids were bigger than us. There's something in the water or the dairy or the potatos in Germany, that's for sure.