KEEP IT IN THE PHAMLY

This week I deleted my Tinder account because, you guys, I've met someone. His name is Zambeze and he's the gosh-darn cutest boy you ever did see. We met at Australia Zoo and it was love at first sight. Did I mention he's a zebra?

I'm too busy doing nothing over the holidays so I somehow manage to never think of a New Years resolution. This year, however, I had a post-New Years resolution because I was unemployed and had nothing to do after watching back-to-back episodes of Parks & Recreation. This year I promised myself to do things that I've never done. Here's a list of some of the things I tried:

I woke up to this message one morning and thought, yup, I'm never going to meet anyone I want to keep on a dating site. As part of my New Years Resolution to try new things in 2013 that saw me go on a blind date for the first time, take on a big event on my own and start learning ballet; I've been online dating too. Well, dating. Period. I've never actively dated before. In the past, I've only been on accidental first dates because when guys ask me to 'hang out' my brain pictures Care Bears hugging in rainbow land and their cartoon voices squeaking, 'Be my friend!' Yup, I've had some pretty awkward first kisses.

I always thought dating was a waste of time and it is but it's a fun, interesting - and I won't lie, occasionally scary - but mostly amusing way to watch the world go round. Who am I going to hang out with in Brisbane when 95% of my friends live elsewhere? Complete strangers, that's who. At first I was in it to find people I relate to and was thoroughly disappointed but now I'm in it for the entertainment value and for the socially bored it's like a fun computer game where you might end up meeting your opponent in person.

I've tried three of the mainstream sites and apps. Here are my thoughts on each:

eHarmony is for people who are after serious relationships. And also scientists... though eHarmony may have profiled me as someone who only likes engineers and architects and only sent me those matches. But I only have my personal experience to go on so to me eHarmony is for long-term relationship seeking nerds. I wouldn't recommend it unless you're looking to meet someone and marry within a year. The few guys I met in person were waaaayyyy too serious for man-resistant (repellant?) me. The site is too pricey for what you don't get - you can't browse other members' profiles, you can only contact people who are matched to you based on personality test results calculated by eHarmony. I may be an INTJ type but I prefer my pals spontaneous and loud. eHarmony says it's science but I think dating chemistry is a whole different field. No dice.

OKcupid. I went on this because it's free and after eHarmony I decided paying to meet people I don't like isn't a great investment. Wow, I've been approached by some real crazies on here. The dude who invited me to Hawaii as his intro, the many men who want affairs for various reasons, the ones with very detailed sexual fantasies and the addicts who like to overshare - I've had my fair share of supporting mentally ill and addictive people already, thanks but I'll pass. I did meet a couple of nice guys on here and we're friends now but the majority I found to be either too intense, too creepy or too sincere. You'd think the last would be a good trait but, no, I don't like to read the life story of a stranger who says they'd like to get to know me better when really it reads like they want me to get to know them better. People sure are wordy on okcupid, which is why I tried out the shallowest one of them all.

Tinder. It's a phone app only that is linked to your Facebook so chances are you'll come across real people with real profiles and real lives outside of Tinder and Facebook. The best part is only people you 'like' the look of and who like you back can message you. This means I don't get essays from people I'm not interested in. It also means a lot of requests for sex from guys who think 'you're cute' = 'fuck me now' but those are fun to read when they're not too gross. Sorry, man, who imagines ways he'd enjoy my butthole. Block. I love Tinder. Because it's a phone app it's like texting - just short, quick banter. Some people go on Tinder for eye candy and to message strangers for a while but I actually meet up with the ones I think will be a bit of fun. So far I've met one harmless weirdo, one nice guy and one total fox. Tinder is by far my favourite.

The greatest part about virtual dating is the block feature. I feel rude knocking back guys who approach me in real life because that takes balls, but when they're playing on a phone or computer, it's all just a game.

I always thought wisdom teeth made you wiser but then Google told me that only Google can make me wiser so I had my wisdom teeth pulled. Not really. The real story goes, my Melbourne dentist was keeping an eye on my wise ways and when I moved to Brisbane, somewhere between dentists, my status was upgraded to, "Oh... I think you should see a specialist. Soonish." To "can you do surgery next week?" to SpongeBob SquareFace.

I don't remember much from the experience on account of they put me under for two tricksome teeth of the four removed. An impacted molar and random secondary premolar stuck in the middle of my face that never bothered to show. When I woke up, I had some nice broken blood vessels on my left eye, nose bleed, nausea and I dry-retched like a pro (nothing came up). The nice nurses told me not to worry, there's always one troublemaker. Everyone else in recovery cruised back into soberdom. Dang.

Dr. Matthew Hawthorne, who I highly recommend as a specialist - so knowledgeable, friendly and skilled - came to tell me how the procedure went but in my daze I didn't listen hard enough. All I could think was, 'Does he pat all his patients on the head like that or do I remind him of his daughters? Does he even have daughters? Maybe he's patting me like he would his dog.' By the time that train of thought ended, the doc had left my bedside to visit my neighbour but I vaguely recalled something about us being vindicated and making the right decision to remove all teeth because the jerk molar and premolar had done damage to my healthy teeth. Also, they proved trickier than anticipated so it had taken him longer to get them out.

That last part was a warning I didn't yet understand that the left side of my face was about to balloon to triple the size of my swollen right side. He'd numbed it up so much I didn't feel it for a good 20 hours but when it kicked - oh my gah! did it hurt. And 5 days later it's still a pain. The swelling's starting to go down so I can finally see my stitches and the slice is 2-3 times larger than the slice on my right cheek. Oh, stubborn molar, I can't stay mad at you - you're just bullheaded like your mum.

I've been taking panadeine forte which I now regret. Well, I'm glad I took it the first two days but wish I'd dropped back to panamax for the last couple because when I got out of bed for work this morning I felt dizzy, wanted to sick up and flopped back down with a horrible headache. Ween yourself off the painkillers a couple days before you hope to have brain function.

While I'm giving out advice: People, if you have the option and the means, get those wisdom teeth out early. Don't wait for them to grow into nasty, little buggers like mine. My right side, and top left, which were perfectly fine (by that I mean growing outwards into my cheeks) never really hurt that much after surgery. Right now, I can prod my right cheek quite firmly before it hurts, but my left side with the impacted molar would like me to eff the eff off and leave it the eff alone for another effing week. Maybe two.

I started ballet in August this year. No, I'd never danced before in my life and, yes, I am absolutely terrible at it. But that won't stop me from doing my first ever dance recital in December. I don't recommend anyone come to see me dance, but I do highly, astronomically recommend you see Les Twins on their dance workshop tour around Australia this week. Visit maspresents.com for tickets and venue details. Tour dates below:


For uncoordinated noobs like myself, you can just go, watch and wish you had inherited Dad's black belt discipline and not Mum's oopsy-daisy gene. I cannot wait to see them this Sunday in Brisbane at the Sandgate Town Hall. Squeal! And then this always single lady and my not as single Little Sissy are going to see them perform with Beyonce the following night at Brisbane Entertainment Centre. All types of squeal!!

I've never wondered why DJs have silly pun names. Then Han Cholo jewellery landed at work and in the fleeting moment I thought about it, I came the conclusion that the effort to find out why probably wasn't worth the result. So, suffice to say I still don't know why DJs have pun names but I've decided that DJs should leave the punning to editors and people who are good at dad jokes. Han Cholo jewellery is awesome despite the name. Even Hans Solo would approve some of the designs like the All Seeing Eye UFO Pendant Chain I bought.


For someone so into shiny things I am not that into bling. Mostly because I get it caught everywhere and always end up ripping out bits of hair or breaking the chains and never get around to replacing them. But I could not resist this gorgeous UFO meets third eye meets galaxy necklace from Men In Black 1 chain. So far I've only accidentally punched myself in the chest with it when it swung against my desk and rebounded hard right between the boobs. Ow. Jade 0: Han Cholo 1.

Hello my poor, neglected blog. I've been a little busy with work lately, which is what happens when you have an already full workload then volunteer to organise the first major store opening in Culture Kings history. This is like that time I thought I could make a 40 minute DVD around my final semester of studies and ended up on a vending machine diet and zero sleep to meet deadline. Except this time I remembered to schedule sleep hours and ate copious amounts of pizza instead because, you know, progress.

I've thrown work and fun events before but this one was particularly important to me. I didn't figure out why until last week when the whirlwind ended. This is the first event I've managed since organising Mum Pham's funeral and if y'all hadn't heard that burnt me out something major. Culture Kings Melbourne Launch Party is the first time I've pushed myself hard since then and, you guys, I kinda killed it.

Mum Pham would have been proud. She'd have hated my hair and head tattoo and strange eye make-up and men putting their arm around her daughter for photos and the loud music and the Culture Kings Beer and endless supply of Moet and maybe even the champagne tower despite its pretty and definitely a no-no to the casual attire on the red carpet and caps worn inside and the catering not being Asian cuisine. But, all the same, she would have been proud to know I did my best to make many people happy memories. Look what a bit of sleep and a lot of pizza can do:

Okay, I cave. Carmex is the mother of all Lip Balms. Even though I love my Maybelline Baby Lips for the added colour to my 'pale ghost face' as mother liked to call it, I use Carmex all day every day now that Oratane has killed my will to produce natural oil.

I've only tried the click sticks so far because I don't like greasing my fingers with pot lip balms but it is amazing and I recommend the whole range. It's a no frills lip balm with pure moisturising and not overly scented or coloured like my fave teeny-bopping lip balms.

As Dad likes to say, "YOU DO!"

Almost every week we have a Phamly Pheast where those of us who cook and all of us who eat come together and indulge our inner pigs. We tried to control ourselves at our once in a lifetime dining experience at Fat Noodle in Brisbane that Little Sissy Pham won in a competition. We failed.

How can you control yourself when Luke Nguyen himself plans a 10 Course Off-Menu Meal for your family? You can't. This blog post is essentially food porn. I contained myself long enough to take snaps before we devoured each dish in Pham style, which is to say we stuffed our faces - only stopping long enough to take quick breaths so we don't pass out.

Little Sissy Pham finally flew the coup. She moved out with The Bloody Vegan (her boyfriend who I lovingly call that every time I remember I have to cook a separate dish for him) last weekend. We sent her off with Mum's sharpest knife because we pray she'll learn to cook more than two minute noodles, though we don't think our prayers will be answered for a while.

Dad Pham has been very sad without her around. He can't remember the last time he was this sad. He was relieved for Mum Pham when she passed away and he was completely fine when I moved to Melbourne, but for some reason Little Sissy Pham moving to the other side of Brisbane really got him down. I should be totally offended but I'm busy discovering the great things about not having Little Sissy Pham around. This is what I've noticed so far:

1. Luigi gets to sleep in the car port.

2. My products fit in the bathroom cabinet instead of the nook in my wardrobe.

3. I no longer speak English at home so my Vietnamese might improve (even the optimist in me highly doubts this).

4. No fighting to do laundry.

5. I get my cat all to myself.

6. When I open the pantry all my food is still there!

7. I can set up an exercise/dance space.

8.  I don't have to make bulk lunches for work anymore!!

9. I can shower whenever for however long I want in the mornings or evenings.

10. I finally, finally get to buy my favourite toilet paper: Kleenex Cottonelle - oh how I have missed your sweet caress. Evil sis made me get Sorbent for her sensitive bee-hind. No more! It's fluffy ribbed Cottonelle in this house from now on!

Did I mention when I open my pantry all my food is still there? Woohoo!

I've had 5 people in the past fortnight want to switch up their phones but scared to lose their contacts. How can this happen in this day and age? By that I mean the Google age. I've had my contacts synced to Gmail/Google Apps since I made the switch from dumbphones to smartphones. I like to plan ahead so I can slut around between handsets and networks without a care.