KEEP IT IN THE PHAMLY

Birthday celebrations weren't really a thing growing up in The Phamly because making it a thing would cost money we didn't have. We usually only got birthday cakes and presents when our full-time employed cousins treated us, and I hope they know how special that made us feel.

I think that's why whenever it's a work friend's birthday, and especially when they don't want to make a big deal about it, I try to do a little something to make them feel special even if it's just buying their lunch or morning coffee. Or in Ibis' case, a bunch of his favourite plain Dorito corn chips.

Ibis managed to chomp through them all in 5 work days, which included a weekend so essentially he celebrated his birthday for a week proving a little gesture can go a long way. Job well done, me! I hope he felt a little glee every time he saw his shelf of Doritos or opened a fresh bag. Other People's Happiness is the best.

If you haven't already, read Part 1 of German Cousin's interview so you know my cousin's background and how he came to be so close to my parents and was able to send me Phamly photos I've never seen before. Above is baby me with Big Brother Pham and German Cousin. Below is Little Sissy Pham with German Cousin's brother.

Where did you live with my parents? 
When I joined Dad Pham, it was the time your parents prepared for their wedding. We were all living in cậu Mười’s (Uncle 10's) Flat in Giessen. The wedding took place in the City Hall of Giessen. After then, we moved to a new 2-bed-room flat in Giessen West (Check Google Maps for “Krofdorferstr. 176, 35398 Gießen”). Your dad gave up the translator job and started occupational retraining as service engineer for electronics. Your mom started her internship as a pharmacist. Things went well until Dad Pham had his very first schizophrenic episode. He began to drink and got frightened of Viet Cong spies, who followed him.

What do you remember about my mother? What was she like as a person when you knew her?
Your mother got pregnant during this time. It was quite hard time for her, I guess. Busy with the new job, being pregnant, taking care of her sick husband (and his lazy nephew). But I never heard one single complaint from her. She was a person who prefers to give more and take less. She was not needy nor demanding at all.

Were you living with them when Mum was pregnant with my brother? If so, was she a happy pregnant lady? She always made out like pregnancy and childbirth were so easy but I think she didn't want to scare me or my sister. 
I was living with your parents when your mom was pregnant with Big Brother Pham. And I kept living with them when she was pregnant with you and your sister. Actually, I stayed with you all the time until you left Germany for Australia. Even when my parents came to Germany, I decided to stay with Dad Pham and mom. My parents' flat was too small for the whole family. The other reason was Dad Pham. Living with him is very easy. And I was not willing to give up the big freedom (and I’m sure you know it quite well).

After Big Brother Pham was born, we moved to another flat, located in the city center of Giessen (Check Google Maps for “Marktlaubenstr. 5, 35390 Gießen”). The new flat with 3 bed-rooms is old but the location was more convenient and the rent was cheaper. You and Little Sissy Pham were born. The flat had one more room which was unused. So, your dad and mom rented it to anh Thịnh, a young Vietnamese goldsmith working for a jeweller in Marburg (a town near Gießen). Coming back to your questions about your mom and her pregnancy: The births of you all were easy. I think at Big Brother Pham's birth, Dad Pham was still in his first episode. So, your mom went alone to the hospital and gave birth to him on her own. I think your mom is a happy lady, optimistic in all life situations. At least she always showed herself as such.

What do you remember of my father? His worst schizophrenic episodes happened in Germany - were you still living with them when it began? 
For me, the worst schizophrenic episode was the very first one. Maybe, because it came suddenly and we weren’t prepared for it. In this episode, he drank a lot whiskey mixed with Coke (people say that this is a dangerous mix) and was not approachable. Mom couldn’t convince him to go to hospital. At the end, she had to call the police who took him (he was shouting and fighting) with them. The following episodes were not as scary as the first one. Later, Dad Pham came to understand that he needed medical care in such situation. How is the situation now after mom’s death? Does dad still recognize the paranoid periods when they are coming? If not, are you able convince him to go to the hospital?

Dad doesn't have bad episodes anymore! The last time was when I was in university back in 2014 - he woke me up in the middle of the night to drive him to the emergency ward of a hospital because he'd been poisoned by the Viet Cong. He lives with the constant delusion that anything bad is caused by the Viet Cong - he's convinced the aches and pains of a normal, aging body are because of the VC. It's hard to convince him to get medical treatment sometimes for his diabetes and such because he doesn't trust general doctors - he thinks they're working with the communists. But his schizophrenia is very manageable now. 

I moved back from Melbourne to Brisbane to live with him after Mum passed and settle him into a new routine, but he had no issues at all. If anything, Little Sissy Pham and I needed more comforting than Dad did.

When I learned that Michelle Law’s “Single Asian Female” play at the La Boite Theatre in Brisbane had a preview show on my birthday (some of you may call it Valentine's Day), I knew it was destiny. Hello, I’m Always Single, and I’m Asian so I love anything cheap including preview tickets. This night was meant to be.

I haven’t been single on Valentine’s Day the past couple years, but long distance meant I was solo anyways. This year I’m a free agent so for Single Ladies Valentine's Day I took a bunch of my single and not-as-single ladies to the show for Valentine’s Day.

I cannot recommend Single Asian Female enough - it is the best live theatre I have seen in years, possibly ever. You don't need to be single, Asian or female to relate to the characters. There is so much heart and soul and hilarity. No awkward or filler moments. Every little detail adds to the bigger picture. It had me in tears from laughing so hard, and from the heart wrenching & heart warming story.

Seeing people of my heritage and cultural background represented authentically live on stage filled a void I wasn’t aware was there. In all the plays, movies, shows, magazines I’ve seen, the South-East Asians are in Westernised settings. The best way I can think to describe what I felt watching the play is recognition and belonging. The women onstage were my mum (at one point, I accidentally cried out ‘that’s my mum!’ I was so shocked to see an EXACT moment my mother and I shared), the women were my Aunty, my cousins, my friends. So while I recommend this play to anyone and everyone, I especially recommend it to my Asian friends. It's rare and wonderful to experience something you can connect with on such a personal level.

Every now and then via my blog, I receive a message from a stranger who has been so excited that they’re not alone in thinking or feeling the same thing, that they’re moved to share their own story with me. Single Asian Female created so many moments like this for me and my girlfriends (none of them Asian except for Little Sissy Pham) - we left the theatre on a high and couldn't stop talking about all the different moments from the show we connected with. I hope Michelle Law, the playwright, is proud of her masterpiece that touches people on so many levels, and is perfectly told by a cast of brilliant actors.

The show runs until Saturday 4th March, 2017. As a birthday present to me, please treat yo'self to a night of laughs and love at Single Asian Female. If you read my blog, it means you like what single, asian women think so I promise you'll have a good time:

My friend's post-marriage mantra is 'Don't Be A Doormat' because "sometimes I'm so flat you won't even notice I'm there." She shared this with me in a not-so subtle attempt to tell me that I've been letting a guy walk all over me. Rogue Fun and I were not a good fit, and at my age I should know better than to force things. I still gave him more chances than any of my supportive girlfriends would have liked (thanks for your patience, ladies, I know I was infuriating by the end). I deserve more effort than I got even if I'm "not hard work" or especially because I'm not hard work, so I had to stop being a doormat and walk away.

Rogue Fun didn't intentionally walk all over me but he took my kindness and understanding for granted. He was very emotionally low key and noncommittal - so much so he didn't appear to care I was around. I'm the complete opposite - I feel all the things and do big and small gestures to show I care about other people's happiness. I thought maybe we'd make a comedic opposites attract duo, and while there was definitely attraction, Rogue Fun became no fun because I need a little affection too. There's only so many cancellations my ego can take before I start feeling rejected. I found myself holding back and toning things down after a while, and if I can't be myself then what's the point? Oh well, we are who we are. I hope he finds someone equally low key to hang out with. And I hope I find someone who's a little excited about seeing me.

Alas, it's back to the drawing board. This sucks because last time I online dated, I had to go on soooooo many filter dates. This is what I call first dates for people you meet online 'cause really you're just meeting to filter out the ones you have zero chemistry with, which was every single one for a year and a half before I met my ex-boyfriend. This time around I was so excited that the first guy passed the chemistry test that I let myself get carried away with the crush. But reality crashed that party pretty quickly.

I am dreading the many, many dud dates I'll have to go on now to find my next connection, but you know what? I deserve the effort. If I expect guys to put in an effort for me, then I need to do the same for myself. And this time, no doormatting. Wish me luck in the dating world. If only all boys could be as sweet as the two young gentleman who offered to be my Valentine's this year, the world would be a much lovelier place.

Remember that German cousin who I didn't know the name of way back 'In Loving Memory of Mum Pham' (which turns out he took those photos of us that Mum loved so much when he was learning photography)? I never fully understood why he was in a bunch of our Phamly photos in Germany. Until now. We recently connected over Facebook (I know, using FB for something other than memes and cat videos - crazy), and I asked if he was up for being the first person I've ever interviewed for my blog. He accepted and proceeded to make me cry like a baby learning things I never knew about my cousin nor my parents.

Where did you grow up in Vietnam? Do you miss it?
I was born and grew up in Saigon. My family had a big house in the Bình Thạnh District. I still remember a lot of things. However, I don’t miss it much. I have been too long away. The city has changed a lot. My people, my family have changed since then. One thing I have learnt: The only persistency in life are changes. 😊

Were you close to my Dad back in Vietnam?
As your dad lived in Nha Trang, we were not as close to each other. Actually, we didn’t have as much contact. The last time he came to visit my family in Saigon were 1975, short before the takeover of the southern Vietnamese capital by the Communists. Dad Pham fled from Nha Trang after his city was taken-over by the Vietcong. The south Vietnamese army was broken. He came with a gun in his jacket and told us, some people on the street tried to rob him. He smiled at them, showed the gun and asked if they wanted some bullets. The robbers fled.

Do you remember the war and the Viet Cong?
I didn’t remember much about the war and the Viet Cong. What I remember quite well was the time after the takeover: troubles with the Viet Cong authority, the hunger, ridiculous things we were forced to do, etc.

How did you end up in Germany with my parents? How did you feel when you learned your parents were sending you over first?
My parents’ plan was actually not to send me abroad first. The plan was that I left my family forever. No one knew at that time that things would turn out the way they have. We didn’t know about the German program for family reunion. We didn’t know that the Vietnamese government would allow my family later to leave Vietnam legally. So, you may imagine how I felt when my parents asked me whether or not I wanted to take the chance. The decision to leave was not easy for me.

“Legally crossing the border” was the common term used in Vietnam in the time period when Vietnamese people of Chinese origin were hassled and forced to leave Vietnam. They were allowed to “escape” the country on boats after paying a huge amount of money to the government and, of course, also to some corrupted people working in the government. A colleague and friend of my father (I called him chú Kiêng) changed his name to smuggle his family to the list of the permitted Chinese. He took me with his family (my family name was also changed to Quách) and we escaped Vietnam that way. Some others like your Dad did it illegally by leaving the country by boat without permission. I guess he was picked up by a German ship and came to Germany in around 1978.

I’m not sure how long it really took. We were placed on the bottom of the boat near by the motor which ran all the time (when it was not broken down). There was no daylight. It was dark, loud, and sticky. I think it was roughly a week or so until we arrived in Malaysia. We got robbed by Thai fishers twice. The Malaysian marine didn’t allow us to enter their territory. So, they towed our boat to Indonesia. Upon arriving in the first refugee camp on a small island of Indonesia called Araya, I contacted Dad Pham by sending him a short letter. I still remember how happy I was when I held his reply letter in my hand after some months. And I was even happier when I opened it and found an entrance clearance for Germany and a 100-Dollar banknote in there.

With the 100 Dollars in my pocket, I left chú Kiêng’s family to go to another camp for Germany. I guess, with this decision I caused a lot of trouble to chú Kiêng, since he had been declaring me as his own son in his application for the U.S. He was about to get the entrance clearance for U.S.A. after being interviewed by the US delegation. Now, chú Kiêng had to explain why his son has left him for Germany. I was really sorry for this. But I think it was the right decision.

From then on, I really travel on my own. I needed to find another refugee camp, which organised flights to destination countries for refugees with such a document Dad Pham sent to me. I visited 3 other camps (Galang, Pynang, Jakarta) before arriving in Germany in January 1980.


When did your family come over to Germany? What was your reunion like?
My family came to Germany 3 years later. I still remember how happy I was. I couldn’t sleep the night before their arrival. For me, it was kind of wonder since I never thought we would see each other again when I left Vietnam. Dad Pham had a big contribution to our family reunion. He took care of my application and the administrative things. He helped me to send money and “survival” packets to my family. Life wasn’t easy under the Viet Cong regime. And my parents had to feed 9 hungry mouths (my 6 siblings and the other 3 cousins living in the same house). Without support from abroad, they would not be able to do so.

Sometimes, I wonder what life would have been like if Mum & Dad had stayed in Germany. Do you ever wonder what life would have been like if you had stayed in Vietnam?
It’s very interesting. Very often, I ask myself the same questions. What would have been if I decided not to leave my family and stayed in Vietnam. Or, what would happen if Dad Pham didn’t send his letter and the entrance paper? I would come with chú Kiêng’s family to the US. But what would happen with my parents?

One thing is for sure: If Mom and Dad stayed in Germany, you would speak German very well and would know me better. And Dad and Mom would still say “Herr” (Mr.) and “Frau” (Mrs.) to each other J. Actually, how did they call each other in Australian? Did they tell you the anecdote about “Herr” and “Frau” instead of “Anh” and “Em” like other Vietnamese couples always do? Mom Pham told me once that Dad called her “Chị” the first time they met. Dad Pham meant it with respect. Mom took it like dad is too young for her and called him “Em”. After the marriage, they agreed to be “neutral” by using the German words for Mr. and Mrs. when talking to each other.
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Here ends the first part of the interview. The rest will come in Part 2.

FYI - Mum & Dad Pham continued to call each other Herr and Frau to the end of their time together. I never knew the origin of their German nicknames for each other.

Depending on how you measure Tinder success, I am either terrible or great at it. Either way, I was on it for a month and I'm already taking a break because I went and caught feelings (ewwwww) for someone, which is a fail, right? I was on a Tinder roll, juggling half a dozen guys with code names like Jack The Ripped for quick reference (I’m clever like that) who were all waiting to see me after the new year's holiday. I was feeling like a hot AF player when Rogue Fun came along and ruined Christmas for everyone.

Yup, after our first date Rogue Fun had me crushing so hard I couldn't go on any other dates I had planned after my holiday. I knew if I went I wouldn't bring my A-game and that’s just rude. I don’t like to waste people's time so I've postponed indefinitely while I ride out this crush.

Originally this post was going to be all about the fun of crushing on someone, but between the idea, starting a draft and tonight, I went and psyched myself out about Rogue Fun so now this post is more about how not to fudge up a new crush when you're naturally repulsed about having feelings of any kind.

Rogue Fun and I started out hot and heavy in a whirlwind of dates and nonstop texting, then due to a series of unfortunate and inconvenient events I haven’t seen him in weeks. I hit the panic button this week, jumped into self-defence mode and started my vanishing act (introverts are the best at disappearing, they call me 'the elusive Jade Pham' for good reason). Rogue Fun snapped me out of it and grounded me with his annoyingly reasonable arguments. In my defence, I wasn’t given all the facts - he had a fresh wound he forgot to mention when he bailed on me last-minute. I thought he had a choice and that his choice was not to see me.

A few lessons learned from my panic attack:

1. Don’t assume someone’s motives - This I will struggle with. In my experience people say things they don’t mean all the time - I mean, hello, my formative years were heavily influenced by junkies and a paranoid delusionist. So I’m always analysing people’s actions or inaction to see what they really mean. Next time, I must remember to ask for the why.
2. Ask how they’re feeling - I am not the greatest at understanding what people mean in what they say either. Being someone who has no filter in speaking my mind, I take things way too literally ALL the time and it’s put me and other people in many awkward situations. Like, when someone wishes we were snuggling and I offer to come over, then they have to reject me because they didn’t actually want to snuggle. So awkward. Maybe this lesson should be 'ask how they’re really feeling.'
3. Trust - Basically it's what all of the above comes down to. You have to trust that the other person has your back otherwise, what's the point? 

It's all easier said than done, though. Rogue Fun makes it easy to crush on him because he's always saying reassuring things like he finds me “very tolerable" and “not bad weird." But I find it bloody terrifying trusting anyone with my feelings. Being an optimist means pretty much always being disappointed because I always wish, hope and aim for the best. Between my expectations and reality, there is a 100% fail rate.

Even though I know that I'm setting myself up to be hurt whether intentionally by him or not, I just have to remind myself that I code named him 'Rogue Fun' for a reason. This crush is unpredictable, a little out of control, and a lot of fun. I just need to be brave enough to enjoy it because it's rare and lucky to feel this excited about anything or anyone in life.

I was listening to Pandora (and not Spotify because I’m old and Pandora were on the scene first and I’m lazy / set in my ways) when an old song I used to be obsessed with came on. If you haven’t noticed, anything can inspire a blog post in my weird brain and hearing this song was enough to trigger a whole thought chain from past me to future me.

I haven’t listened to Monica 'Don’t Take It Personal (Just One Of Dem Days' in years - over a decade, even. Not since I got through puberty and emerged a tolerable human being. This song makes so much more sense now I know what PMS is! I mean, I was a disgruntled and unhappy teen so I couldn’t differentiate between regular me and PMS me - back then I had one of dem hormonal days every day. Now I’ve developed into a decent person with passable charm (fake it til you make it, people), I know when hormones are making me unreasonable, melodramatic and a total biatch each month.

I'm mature enough now to take myself out of the equation of life so I don't take my moodiness out on others and create more bad vibes. Well, when I can - at work I just have to suck it up and my poor desk buddy doesn't know when I shut down and don't want to talk that it's not him, it's me. I guess we've worked together long enough for me to just tell him...

Dave, I PMS mid-month every month and there's one day in the lead up where I turn into an emotional wreck and want to cry for no reason; and then one day when the bleeding starts where I just want to lie down and be left alone to die a slow, impending, miserable death. I will warn you next time I'm extra hormonal since you don't read my blog.

At home, I can simply announce it to the housemate (Little Sissy Pham) and then sit in a grumpy lump on the couch or curled up in my bed. And she may or may not feed me bags of potato chips and chocolate. I do the same for her. Luckily we're not completely synched so usually on my awful or exhausted days she's OK, and on her awful or exhausted days I'm OK. Sisters don't have to do it for themselves.

PMS, girls and guys, is a bitch. Everyone experiences hormonal changes differently so sorry to say there's no simple rules to follow when navigating your way through rampaging hormones. Maybe one day we'll live in a society where we can just take a PMS day from work each month and openly tell people 'I'm bleeding and don't feel so hot' but till that day comes I'll subtly try to avoid humans and limit my anger to myself. If I ever tell you to please stop talking at me, think of this song and 'Don't take it personal.'