KEEP IT IN THE PHAMLY

I have mostly fond memories of growing up in the now demolished council flats in Kensington, Melbourne. Except for two violent ball related memories. One was getting a painful leg and ass-whooping from Mum Pham and her feather duster for having a $2 black and blue soccer ball stolen from the playground while we climbed on rocks.

I always thought I'd buy a boyfriend on eBay one day but I ended up getting one for free off Tinder. Bargain! You have to trawl through a lot more crap on Tinder but it's amazing what people will do for free things.  I never thought I'd end up getting serious with a devout Christian. And I definitely never thought I'd go to church with him to see how the other side lives. Especially not after waking at 2am for the World Cup. I was scared I'd fall asleep and embarrass him by snoring or farting.

Smile! Those teeth don't clean themselves.

I was traumatised by a dentist in the public service when I was little. She was rough and mean, and must have thought I was being a wimp like other patients but no, I had a tiny mouth and I was whimpering because she'd ripped the left side of my lips open. After that day, I refused to go back to the dentist until I had money to pay for a good one (we were poor so free was the only option).  It wasn't until a decade later when I had my first full-time job that I went to a posh dentist in Melbourne for a check-up. Luckily I didn't need much work apart from replacing a filling and good old clean.

I'm going through a phase of reading instructions and manuals lately. It turns out I've been doing a lot wrong all my life. But some things I get right. Like prioritising the Eurovision Song Contest over sleep and sustenance. And like always, it's totally worth it. Denmark put on an amazing show - the staging and lighting has to be the competition's best in history. So beautifully done.

False alarm guys, I am still technically an Always Single Lady because I'm pretty sure I can't have a boyfriend who already has a girlfriend. A couple of weeks ago, a lady contacted me on Facebook accusing me of taking her man out on a date. I've been on many online dates the past six months so I had to ask her who her boyfriend was. She told me his name and - oh darn, her boyfriend had been telling me he's my boyfriend for the past 6 weeks. Wow. Epic, huge online dating fail. I should be angry and outraged like my girlfriends but I'm more baffled and confused than anything. ...How did I even do that?

I got my eyeballs zapped in January. It was like a party in my brain and all the rainbow colour pixels were invited. The procedure was quick and painless, and each step was clearly explained by Dr. Beckingsale and the friendly staff at Laser Sight. I highly recommend this clinic if you're in Brisbane.

This week I deleted my Tinder account because, you guys, I've met someone. His name is Zambeze and he's the gosh-darn cutest boy you ever did see. We met at Australia Zoo and it was love at first sight. Did I mention he's a zebra?

I'm too busy doing nothing over the holidays so I somehow manage to never think of a New Years resolution. This year, however, I had a post-New Years resolution because I was unemployed and had nothing to do after watching back-to-back episodes of Parks & Recreation. This year I promised myself to do things that I've never done. Here's a list of some of the things I tried:

I woke up to this message one morning and thought, yup, I'm never going to meet anyone I want to keep on a dating site. As part of my New Years Resolution to try new things in 2013 that saw me go on a blind date for the first time, take on a big event on my own and start learning ballet; I've been online dating too. Well, dating. Period. I've never actively dated before. In the past, I've only been on accidental first dates because when guys ask me to 'hang out' my brain pictures Care Bears hugging in rainbow land and their cartoon voices squeaking, 'Be my friend!' Yup, I've had some pretty awkward first kisses.

I always thought dating was a waste of time and it is but it's a fun, interesting - and I won't lie, occasionally scary - but mostly amusing way to watch the world go round. Who am I going to hang out with in Brisbane when 95% of my friends live elsewhere? Complete strangers, that's who. At first I was in it to find people I relate to and was thoroughly disappointed but now I'm in it for the entertainment value and for the socially bored it's like a fun computer game where you might end up meeting your opponent in person.

I've tried three of the mainstream sites and apps. Here are my thoughts on each:

eHarmony is for people who are after serious relationships. And also scientists... though eHarmony may have profiled me as someone who only likes engineers and architects and only sent me those matches. But I only have my personal experience to go on so to me eHarmony is for long-term relationship seeking nerds. I wouldn't recommend it unless you're looking to meet someone and marry within a year. The few guys I met in person were waaaayyyy too serious for man-resistant (repellant?) me. The site is too pricey for what you don't get - you can't browse other members' profiles, you can only contact people who are matched to you based on personality test results calculated by eHarmony. I may be an INTJ type but I prefer my pals spontaneous and loud. eHarmony says it's science but I think dating chemistry is a whole different field. No dice.

OKcupid. I went on this because it's free and after eHarmony I decided paying to meet people I don't like isn't a great investment. Wow, I've been approached by some real crazies on here. The dude who invited me to Hawaii as his intro, the many men who want affairs for various reasons, the ones with very detailed sexual fantasies and the addicts who like to overshare - I've had my fair share of supporting mentally ill and addictive people already, thanks but I'll pass. I did meet a couple of nice guys on here and we're friends now but the majority I found to be either too intense, too creepy or too sincere. You'd think the last would be a good trait but, no, I don't like to read the life story of a stranger who says they'd like to get to know me better when really it reads like they want me to get to know them better. People sure are wordy on okcupid, which is why I tried out the shallowest one of them all.

Tinder. It's a phone app only that is linked to your Facebook so chances are you'll come across real people with real profiles and real lives outside of Tinder and Facebook. The best part is only people you 'like' the look of and who like you back can message you. This means I don't get essays from people I'm not interested in. It also means a lot of requests for sex from guys who think 'you're cute' = 'fuck me now' but those are fun to read when they're not too gross. Sorry, man, who imagines ways he'd enjoy my butthole. Block. I love Tinder. Because it's a phone app it's like texting - just short, quick banter. Some people go on Tinder for eye candy and to message strangers for a while but I actually meet up with the ones I think will be a bit of fun. So far I've met one harmless weirdo, one nice guy and one total fox. Tinder is by far my favourite.

The greatest part about virtual dating is the block feature. I feel rude knocking back guys who approach me in real life because that takes balls, but when they're playing on a phone or computer, it's all just a game.

I always thought wisdom teeth made you wiser but then Google told me that only Google can make me wiser so I had my wisdom teeth pulled. Not really. The real story goes, my Melbourne dentist was keeping an eye on my wise ways and when I moved to Brisbane, somewhere between dentists, my status was upgraded to, "Oh... I think you should see a specialist. Soonish." To "can you do surgery next week?" to SpongeBob SquareFace.

I don't remember much from the experience on account of they put me under for two tricksome teeth of the four removed. An impacted molar and random secondary premolar stuck in the middle of my face that never bothered to show. When I woke up, I had some nice broken blood vessels on my left eye, nose bleed, nausea and I dry-retched like a pro (nothing came up). The nice nurses told me not to worry, there's always one troublemaker. Everyone else in recovery cruised back into soberdom. Dang.

Dr. Matthew Hawthorne, who I highly recommend as a specialist - so knowledgeable, friendly and skilled - came to tell me how the procedure went but in my daze I didn't listen hard enough. All I could think was, 'Does he pat all his patients on the head like that or do I remind him of his daughters? Does he even have daughters? Maybe he's patting me like he would his dog.' By the time that train of thought ended, the doc had left my bedside to visit my neighbour but I vaguely recalled something about us being vindicated and making the right decision to remove all teeth because the jerk molar and premolar had done damage to my healthy teeth. Also, they proved trickier than anticipated so it had taken him longer to get them out.

That last part was a warning I didn't yet understand that the left side of my face was about to balloon to triple the size of my swollen right side. He'd numbed it up so much I didn't feel it for a good 20 hours but when it kicked - oh my gah! did it hurt. And 5 days later it's still a pain. The swelling's starting to go down so I can finally see my stitches and the slice is 2-3 times larger than the slice on my right cheek. Oh, stubborn molar, I can't stay mad at you - you're just bullheaded like your mum.

I've been taking panadeine forte which I now regret. Well, I'm glad I took it the first two days but wish I'd dropped back to panamax for the last couple because when I got out of bed for work this morning I felt dizzy, wanted to sick up and flopped back down with a horrible headache. Ween yourself off the painkillers a couple days before you hope to have brain function.

While I'm giving out advice: People, if you have the option and the means, get those wisdom teeth out early. Don't wait for them to grow into nasty, little buggers like mine. My right side, and top left, which were perfectly fine (by that I mean growing outwards into my cheeks) never really hurt that much after surgery. Right now, I can prod my right cheek quite firmly before it hurts, but my left side with the impacted molar would like me to eff the eff off and leave it the eff alone for another effing week. Maybe two.