KEEP IT IN THE PHAMLY

Little Sissy Pham knows me too well. She bought me a wand from The Wizarding World of Harry Potter in Universal Studios in Orlando while in the States earlier this year. Then when she presented it to me and I reached into the box she squealed, “It’s a collector’s item! It’s not a toy! You can’t hit people with it!”

How did she know the first thing I would do with my wand is to work my magic, wave it over her head then bop her crown to cast the spell? The back story is I’ve been waiting to get revenge since she hit me on the head with a metal jug in the bathtub when we were three and four. I’ve waited almost 24 years, I can wait a while longer to thwop Little Sissy Pham on the head with an inanimate object. For now I remain the proud and nerdy owner of a wand I can't use.

1. I've always had trouble getting to sleep.

2. I played piano really well once upon a time. It ended when my parents sold our piano to move interstate and I swore never to play again because as a teenage brat I didn’t understand about budgets and expenses. I’ve grown up a bit (just a bit) and plan to get a piano and finish my exams. I hesitate to make the purchase because I’ve had a lot of dumb expensive ideas before.

3. I have a 14-year-old cat named Tigger. I left her in the care of Little Sissy Pham while I was in Melbourne and Little Sissy Pham managed to make her clinically obese. Poor Tigger Pham.

4. When I was born I yawned. Then I proceeded to drink twice as much formula as any other baby. Some things never change.

5. I was the fattest, ugliest and smartest girl in my year at high school – perfect bully material except I was so strange they didn’t know where to begin so they never did.

6. My sister is my best friend and my favourite person in the whole entire universe.

7. I wear contact lenses.

8. I have three tattoos that represent who I am/who I will be, what I aim to achievein everything I do, and what I believe in.

9. I baked a cake for the first time ever last week.

10. I have a phobia of people dressed up in giant animal suits with their faces covered because part of me fears that it could really be a giant demon-animal and not a person in a suit. I don’t stand too close to the stage at a FlamingLips concert.

11. No matter how important a conversation or how hard I try to concentrate my mind always dips away for about 3-4 seconds every few minutes or so to swim in thoughts and ideas before it comes back to reality. I'm intuitive enough to guess what I've missed hearing though so no one's ever seemed to notice.

12. My Mongolian Blue Spot never faded - it's about the size of a 20c piece and looks like a triangular bruise near my tailbone.

Acne medication isn’t the funnest experience I’ve had in life. Especially since my acne returned a few months after the six months of torture I went through to try and clear up my skin. I normally enjoy being in the minority like being in the top 3% of IQ brain-dorks and in the 2.9% of INTJ personality types but being in the 15% of people whose skin can’t be fixed by hardcore medications is what some would call a ‘major bummer’. Majority pun intended.

One of the god-awful side effects of acne meds is the dryness. The idea is to shrivel your pores up so they don’t get clogged and pimply. This means your skin feels severely tight and dry (think Montgomery Burns) and your lips threaten to crack if not lathered in lip balm every 15-30 minutes. I’ve heard of far worse symptoms like depression and hair falling out so I tell myself I was lucky.

The meds worked permanently for about a dozen of my friends who I questioned months before I went to a dermatologist so I’d still recommend heavy acne sufferers try the meds but be aware that you may emerge from the end of it without clear skin but a new found knowledge of the best lip balms available in Australia.
Lucas Papaw Ointment
Before I went on the meds I was a papaw ointment fanatic. Once my lips dried up on the meds I quickly realised papaw is only good for keeping moisture already in my lips, not adding it.
Blistex
I tried five different Blistex products - Complete Moisture, Ultra Protection, Lip Ointment, Lip Infusion and Strawberry Lip Balm. While they all relieved my lips somewhat on application they felt dry again soon after making me touch up every 15mins or so. Excessive? Wait til you’re on these meds then you’ll understand.
Nivea Lip Care
My friend got me a tube of Nivea because she saw how much pain I was in after I forgot my Blistex tube for a half hour grocery run. Nivea had the longest staying power (didn’t rub off or blow off in the wind on the walk to work) and I only needed to touch up every 30-45mins. I drink a lot of water and tea during the day so if you’re not constantly drinking you’d probably only need to touch up every hour or possibly more.

Vaseline
I will never fully understand Tyra Banks’ reaction to Vaseline in this YouTube clip but I am a little less inclined to think the woman’s completely mad. Vaseline was the sweetest relief to my dry lips. The only problem is it rubs off too quickly so towards the end of my med course I’d apply Vaseline every morning after waking up with crusty lips then once they were soft again I’d load up the staying power of Nivea for the commute to work then keep doing a combo of both Vaseline for softness and Nivea for keeping in the moisture throughout the day.
Since going off the meds I’ve tried the new Maybelline Baby Lips and it seems to both soften and keep moisture in – if only they’d released this baby while I was on my meds! I’d probably still use Vaseline in the mornings but Baby Lips feels like it could take care of the rest during the day.

I’ve given away all the knives I had in Melbourne to my more kitchenable friends. Mum Pham would kill me if I gave her good knives to inept cooks but she can rest in peace knowing that my dear friends are all living in danger of accidentally hacking their fingers off with her blades.

Only half joking. Unless they're half a buffoon, they're much more likely to hurt themselves with a blunt blade than with a good blade that cuts true. I often crap on about it to no one who will listen that a blunt knife is not worth cooking with just as a kitchen with less than three peelers is not worth cooking in (the peelers is a blog post for another day).

Through friends of friends who are now real (as in Facebook) friends we ended up traveling to the festival on a double decker party bus. Everyone kept calling it the ‘party bus’ and I assumed it was because we’re fun party people but I was wrong. The bus was decked out with karaoke machines and TV screens, disco lights and smoke machine. At 10.30am in the morning, we were probably the dumbest and most interesting thing half the farmers out Werribee way had seen all year.

As we rolled by fields and tractors and random double story houses, the bus was filled with the smell of manure one passenger said it best when she wrinkled up her nose and asked, “Where the f*ck is Werribee?” The Melbourne leg of Harvest was held at Werribee Park Mansion, about an hour South-West out of town. I’d never been there but I knew Elton John once played there so it has instant music cred in my books.

Harvest’s The Gathering ended up being one of the nicest one-day festivals I’ve been to in years. The lineup was a good mix of chill out and rock out bands spread across three stages so while there’s been a lot of online complaints about the queues for drink coupons, drinks and toilets it didn’t have too great an effect on my day because I was happy to stand in a queue while the chill out acts were on.

Festival highlights in chronological order are: The Bedroom Philosopher – his hipster remix of Northcote (So Hung Over) based on his YouTube video comments is yet another reason to love the Internet and his spoof of The Flaming Lips ‘Do You Realise?’ had me laughing so hard and checking my fly was done up.

The Walkmen was my first experience of the massive drink lines – by the time my friends got back with booze they’d missed most of the band’s set and it was time to regroup with the troops at The Great Lawn stage for TV On The Radio.
It’s a shame TV On The Radio were on at the early time of 4pm because it meant I would peak too soon but I love them so much I’d already resigned to my impending heat stroke and lightheadedness from dancing too hard in the afternoon sun. Thankfully I was mistaken. A lot of people were taking it easy so I managed to get right to the front and under the few meters of shade created by the stage – yippee! They played most of my favourite songs – Will Do, Wolf Like Me, Staring At The Sun… oh love! I still cannot believe some of my friends didn’t know TVotR are African-American. How can they - being Caucasians that make winding their waists to Beyonce look like a strange, new robot dance - seriously expect TVotR’s soulful voices and rhythms to come from stiff whities like themselves? Sheesh.

Bright Eyes was a sit down affair for me after the workout I’d had with TVotR. I was tempted to get a slurpy but everyone had the same idea so the queue went for more miles than I was willing to wait out. Instead I opted to watch the alluring Conor Oberst from the safety of a big shady tree.

UK's Death In Vegas were next on my must-see list. It’s awesome when a band you haven’t seen live before and you don’t know much of their discography still manages to blow you away. Their electro pulsed rock had me dancing nonstop from start to finish and their music is on my ever growing to-buy list when I find my future job.

The National was the soundtrack to my turn in the booze queue. It’s the good thing about going with a group of friends, I got to see The Walkmen while my buds got to see The National. I was literally in line for their entire set and walked out with beers in hand just in time to see them walk off stage. In my hyped up state I wasn’t in the mood for melancholic rock or the broodiness of Portishead. I know, I know – I should be digging their amazing powers of minimalism but you don’t understand. This was my last night in Melbourne and I want to jump and dance and partay. Portishead is a band you watch in silent awe and smiling seems somehow highly inappropriate.

Fortunately my friends all wanted to party too so we left Portishead early to secure a decent spot for The Flaming Lips at The Windmill Stage. I’d seen The Flaming Lips once before at Festival Hall and it left me with sore cheeks from excessive smiling. This is what I was in the mood for. Lots of lights and confetti and streamers and giant balloons and happy faces and dancing and arms waving in the air and sweet simple songs that make you want to hug everyone. The Flaming Lips make people so happy! It’s how I want to remember my friends and life in Melbourne. Happy people doing happy things and being happy. It made flying out the next day hurt a lot less.

Thanks Harvest Festival for such an awesome day. Can we do it all again next year? Love!

Some might say living with friends is a bad idea but in my experience it's super fantastic. This is what awaited me when I returned from interstate after Mum Pham's passing. Only true friends can gift you a whole pile of your favourite things!
Cider is my current alcoholic beverage of choice. Rekorderlig's ciders in all flavours are one of my faves, though as of last week at the launch of Bulmer's new Blackcurrant cider is high on my to-drink list as you can see in this picture. Everyone else picked a prop (that's the lovely Style-Paws as the centrepiece) but I refused to put my drink down.
The cherry on top of my huge pile of favourite things is fresh flowers. Every house needs fresh flowers to make it feel nice. How lovely!

There's B & V, my childhood besties. We grew up to be three very different people - B's a circus trainer and roller derby athlete, while V's a physics PhD and dancer and I'm, well, me. But the three of us love food so we have regular cook-ups and eat-outs together. My favourite!

My crazy, random warehouse crew. Shaun (Juddy Roller owner), Romain and Scarlet lady - these mofos have seen me through some wild times. I wouldn't be who I am today without Shauny coaxing me out of my shell - love you, bro!

My ex-housies Chris & Brad (Mum Pham used to call him 'Brad Pitt' because she couldn't remember his first-name alone). We keep up our "KFC family dinner night" tradition where we watch trash, yell at Brad's TV and I always attempt (and later regret) eating as much fried chicken as the boys.

Last but not least, Misty, one of the awesomest people I have met in Melbourne. Every girl watches Sex & the City and wishes she had girlfriends who were just as fun and fabulous, albeit a lot less annoying. If I had a SATC posse, Misty would be in that dream team for me!

Farewell, my dear friends. I am going to miss you all so much. Love, love, love.

You will know me by the trail of tea stains. I love tea - English Breakfast, Russian Caravan, Liquorice Peppermint, Dandelion, Lady Grey, Earl Grey, Peppermint, Jasmine, Camomile - you name it, I'll down it and leave a tea ring mark on pretty much every single bit of paper that crosses my desk (well, when I have a desk).

So when Diamond Dozen sent me to Chanoyu Spa for a two-hour relaxation head to toe spa journey as a parting gift (how lovely!) it just couldn't be more perfect. Chanoyu being the Japanese green tea ceremony; tea being my segue into this blog post. Glad I finally got to use one of the five words I've retained from six years of high school Japanese lessons.

Today I experienced my first ever professional massage, foot ritual and facial. A massage has been on my to-do list for about five years...now it's on my to-do semi-regularly list forever. I feel SO relaxed and happy and fuzzy.

I highly recommend Chanoyu Spa at 94 Smith Street in Collingwood, Melbourne. It's a very cute boutique spa run by a serene Japanese lady. The room itself is styled in a very traditional Japanese way and makes you feel calm just sitting on the cushion sipping green tea while you wait to be pampered.

Chanoyu Spa is above the yummy, yummy Wabi Sabi Japanese restaurant - I go crazy for their bento boxes. FYI you will walk through the restaurant with a clear head to get to the stairwell then eventually reemerge in a dazed dream-state and bump into a restaurant chair but the waitresses will apologise to you even though it was your fault because they're too nice.

I love a good dress up party so Halloween should be right down my alley but this year I got as far as painting my nails to match the silver and white fairy wings found under my bed. The thing was, I had a roller derby bout to go to.

On the way there it was all tra la la la in the sun and by the time I reached the city post-bout I was soaked to the bone and shivering. File this under things I won't miss about Melbourne. Dressing up as a fairy and throwing glitter at people didn't seem as appealing as sitting in front of the heater with a cup of tea and two cats.
Even though I missed out on a super fun night where my friend fell down the stairs a lot, it wasn't completely a wasted Halloween. I finally got around to trying the new Orly nail varnish I got in a Kathryn Wilson gift bag from her Sydney show in September and W-O-W. Chanel quality ladies. It is luxurious to paint on and dries a stunning shade of shine and available in Oz. Go forth and Orly yourselves! You won't regret it.

In the spirit of Halloween, here's my favourite horror music clip ever. Enjoy!