KEEP IT IN THE PHAMLY

Since I was born with cheeks so chubby they sagged like a bulldog's, I have always suffered from big-face syndrome. This is similar to body dysmorphia where you think your body is bigger (or smaller) than it actually is, except with big-face syndrome you are correct in thinking your face is massive.

I used to hate my bobble head (example celebrity bobble heads include Miranda Kerr, Jessie J) because I didn't think I could rock it like my celebrity fat head references. But one day when I started digitising all our old Phamly photos from Mum and Dad's childhoods to my own, I noticed Mum Pham had a big face in her younger years too and she is a mega-babe. Since I'm pretty much a clone of Mum Pham, it gives me hope that I can rock the bobble head too.

I can't make this post funny. If you're reading this because you've lost a loved one and don't know where to begin organising a Buddhist-meets-Western funeral in Australia, then this is for you with my sincerest condolences.

WHAT TO DO
1. Contact your loved one's buddhist temple and ask them to recommend a funeral home OR contact a funeral home and ask them to recommend a buddhist temple. Sadly, people die every day so while it may be new to you, the monks and funeral directors have experience and can guide you.
2. I found this site very helpful with the steps you need to take immediately after your loved one has passed - http://www.funeral-info.com.au/index.php/what-to-do.

3. Funerals are insanely expensive. It will vary for everyone but hopefully my spreadsheet below gives you a basic guide on things to consider. I wish I'd had something like this to help me prepare.

4. Take care of yourself.

This year I set a new record in my job hunting trail. I've had a pretty good run in the past. I've gone from one job to the next in two weeks (including finishing work, looking for work, applying for work, interviewing for work then starting the work) and I've gotten the first job I've applied for in my previous four roles running. I didn't think I could top that until this year when I got a call-back on the day I applied for the job within the hour - twice. To celebrate my new record, I treated myself to a pair of limited edition Karen Walker Super Duper Critter sunglasses in gold...because any excuse will do.

I missed out on this limited edition baby on its original release because my impending unemployment and monetary doom made me hesitate long enough for them to sell out. Wah! But glory be to miss Walker for making such crazy sunglasses that some people couldn't quite work the look and passed on their fashion wins through eBay. Woo!

The gold Super Duper Critter is completely outrageous and over the top and so perfectly me. They are a part of Karen Walker's Fantastique collection. There are intricate symbols and critters laser-cut into the gold frames and finished off with KW's signature tortoise temple tips. Dear god, I always found objectophilia bizarre and wrong but maybe these sunnies may change my mind - ilovethemsomuch.

I set out this year to find a job that's me so I can dress like me and just all-round be myself again. My year in government was exactly the chill out time I needed to recover from losing Mum Pham but now I'm back and feeling fabulous, baby, yeah! These sunnies are just one of the many upgrades planned for my return to the street fashion industry. Yay to being the experimental, kooky, loud (in visual, not audio) me again. 2013 is gonna be FUN!

I went on my first ever blind date a couple of weeks ago... with a guy who was in town for a few days and in Australia for a few weeks. After years of giving my friends frown lines while they mentally crossed off every single guy they knew from their list of potential boyfriends for Jade, I was very curious (and very sceptical) to meet a guy that I'd have "so much in common" with.

Seriously, I have a dozen friendship circles because none of my friends enjoy more than one or two of the bazillion sub-cultures I roam in. Heading to the date, I expected a bit of fun (because one of my multiple personalities was bound to have something in common with him) or if he was an asshole (there's no getting along with shit people) I'd at least have some entertaining blog material and a forever funny story for my friends.

Then Cupid, the violent little nudist, came and shot an arrow into my sceptical butt. Dreamboat had me at yellow Lego luggage tag. Though, I wasn't sure I had him until our midnight swim. Maybe it's a little crazy that I flew interstate to visit him after only one date (I fit in some work to legitimise the trip - pfft) but when someone special comes along, you gotta appreciate them while you can.

For the first time on my Valentiny birthday I get to ditch my life as the real world Liz Lemon and say, "Happy Valentine's Day, some one!" Hope you have a nice life. x

I wish the world could be as forgetful about blood heritage as I am. Most of the time I walk around not thinking about my race at all. My parents have influenced me culturally but in my head I'm just another Aussie chick. That is, until a white-blonde, blue-eyed couple at Laneway Festival start yelling, 'Ay! Ay ay!' to get my attention, then high-five me and say, 'Konnichiwa.' and 'Watashi no namae wa Lisa. Onamae wa desu ka?'

When Dad Pham can't find me in the supermarket, he naturally assumes that I've been kidnapped. Just like Mum Pham assumes I'm dead when I don't return her calls within the hour. Or how I assumed the jade bracelet Mum gave me was a special gift of love, luck and well-being. Boy, were we dead wrong on all counts.

It's been a while since a shop assistant has belly-laughed in my face. I take it as a sign that I'm finally doing something right.

Mr. Shaver Shop man in Brisbane's Myer Centre assumed I was Christmas shopping for my boyfriend or husband like the lady before and after me. I told him that no, unfortunately I am shopping for the patch of hair that I'm about to ask my hairdresser to shave off which will more likely scare away potential boyfriends and husbands than attract them. He had a fun time laughing and giggling at me (in a friendly way, I should add) while he showed me about 10 different beard trimmers they had on display.

The Phillips handle felt too big in my tiny woman hands while the VS Sassoon handles either felt awkward or the blades a bit too wide for trimming around my ear. The material for both brands didn't feel anywhere near as luxurious as the two Wahl models I ended up choosing between.
Mr. Shaver Shop told me the main difference between the Wahl Lithium Ion Trimmer and the Wahl GroomsMan Pro kit for about half the price is how often the battery would need to be recharged and also the life of the battery. For hairy dudes, I'd recommend spending that little extra for the Wahl Lithium Ion Trimmer if you need to shave on the regular. I only shave a tiny bit of my head once a week so I went with the cheaper GroomsMan with the not-as-great battery. Though it's still good. I charged it to the max once when I got it early December and it's still going strong.

The jolly old Mr. Shaver Shop told me to take my Wahl GroomsMan Pro out of the packaging as soon as I left the store so no one would see that I'm using a man's beard trimmer on my head. I didn't. In fact, I kept the packaging so I could blog about it. Yeah, I know - I shave my girly head with a manly beard trimmer. Like, whoa. Look at me breaking social boundaries!

I watched the UK Office and it made me all squeamish from the social awkwardness. Think Curb Your Enthusiasm socially awkward. I can't stand watching people embarrass themselves this terribly so it took me a while to watch the US version, even though I'd seen snippets on TV and adore Steve Carrell. When I finally did, I LOVED it!

I didn’t fully appreciate the humour until I worked in a big office for the first time last year. Before then, I’d worked in small businesses and always in open, creative environments where people mostly got along or respected each other on a professional level. I’d heard stories of inter-office friction from friends but it wasn’t until I worked in a team within a division within a bigger department that I got to see adults behaving like children.
The Office (US) plays on the insecurities and ridiculousness of having a bunch of people with not much in common outside of work lumped together in an office all day. There’s heart, there’s humour and lots of little awkward moments (endearing, not squirmy) that I’ve finally experienced firsthand!

They're short, punchy episodes that are easy to watch and perfect for a wind-down laugh at the end of a long day. Oh, The Office, how you kept me entertained and relaxed during uber deadlines.

Dwight Schrute is a very quotable character if you’re not into coming up with your own lines like me. He makes many comments that can be applied to everyday life. My favourite is, “You’re PMSing hard, huh?” Said with so much sincerity. And also this crying face below. I love him.

1. chubby Asian lady - That's a bit harsh, search engines. I'm size 10/12 (M), 166cm and in the ideal BMI weight range.
2. Jade Pham GM Girls - This is how I learned there's a porn version of me in the States!
3. Captain Catman - I checked with his mum, she didn't google her own cat so who did?
4. brain typo - yup that's me in two words
5. birthmark on my bum - you'd be concerned if you knew how many people actually google this term
6. how to fix polyurethane clothing - I'm not the only one with this problem?
7. haystack hair - my hairdresser fixed that
8. nazi tugh tattoo - not sure if they meant a tuman tugh (a pole adorned with yak or horse tails) but either way, this nazi wouldn't have enjoyed landing on a k(g)ooky blog
9. chubby in shiny leggings - gee, I thought my legs looked pretty good in that shiny leggings photo. Thanks for proving me wrong search engines
10. how to make wardrobe from crate - this one isn't funny but I included it because i can't believe my blog may have actually helped real people somewhere!
11. Looking at my sexy feet - i don't know how my pigeon toed, stumpy feet got picked up by search engines for this. I guess Google has a sense of humour
12. Well dressed women - Baha, google really is funny

Do you know that Grill’d burger joints have Rekorderlig cider slushies? I discovered these delicious drinks the same night I discovered foam hair curlers. These discoveries aren't mutually exclusive - they are linked by the phenomenon of drunk shopping.

On a girls’ night out, the crew stopped by Mecca Cosmetics after dinner in Winter Gardens Brisbane on our way to a jazz bar then rock gig. In my fuzzy haze I thought sober me would think this purchase a dumb idea. I did feel stupid the next morning but I gave the curlers a go and, lo and behold, I love these heart-shaped foam curlers so much I’m blogging about them!
The package says to put the curlers in while your hair is wet or damp before bed then take them out the next morning, but I found it works best when my hair is almost completely dried (using my new Remington Studio Styler) then while it’s still malleable I put the curlers in. My girlfriend, who also bought the foam curlers, put them in while her hair was damp and woke up with still damp hair.
The end result is soft, wavy hair. Mum Pham would be proud – she loved hair volume. The bigger the better! Now that I’m swimming again I can’t sport a perm because my hair dries then breaks, and I’m not into heated curlers because they also dry and break hair. Foam curlers get my two thumbs up! They’re soft and cushie so it’s like sleeping on an extra pillow and you feel magically prettier the next morning when you wake up with princess waves in your hair.