KEEP IT IN THE PHAMLY

I went on my first ever blind date a couple of weeks ago... with a guy who was in town for a few days and in Australia for a few weeks. After years of giving my friends frown lines while they mentally crossed off every single guy they knew from their list of potential boyfriends for Jade, I was very curious (and very sceptical) to meet a guy that I'd have "so much in common" with.

Seriously, I have a dozen friendship circles because none of my friends enjoy more than one or two of the bazillion sub-cultures I roam in. Heading to the date, I expected a bit of fun (because one of my multiple personalities was bound to have something in common with him) or if he was an asshole (there's no getting along with shit people) I'd at least have some entertaining blog material and a forever funny story for my friends.

Then Cupid, the violent little nudist, came and shot an arrow into my sceptical butt. Dreamboat had me at yellow Lego luggage tag. Though, I wasn't sure I had him until our midnight swim. Maybe it's a little crazy that I flew interstate to visit him after only one date (I fit in some work to legitimise the trip - pfft) but when someone special comes along, you gotta appreciate them while you can.

For the first time on my Valentiny birthday I get to ditch my life as the real world Liz Lemon and say, "Happy Valentine's Day, some one!" Hope you have a nice life. x

I wish the world could be as forgetful about blood heritage as I am. Most of the time I walk around not thinking about my race at all. My parents have influenced me culturally but in my head I'm just another Aussie chick. That is, until a white-blonde, blue-eyed couple at Laneway Festival start yelling, 'Ay! Ay ay!' to get my attention, then high-five me and say, 'Konnichiwa.' and 'Watashi no namae wa Lisa. Onamae wa desu ka?'

When Dad Pham can't find me in the supermarket, he naturally assumes that I've been kidnapped. Just like Mum Pham assumes I'm dead when I don't return her calls within the hour. Or how I assumed the jade bracelet Mum gave me was a special gift of love, luck and well-being. Boy, were we dead wrong on all counts.

It's been a while since a shop assistant has belly-laughed in my face. I take it as a sign that I'm finally doing something right.

Mr. Shaver Shop man in Brisbane's Myer Centre assumed I was Christmas shopping for my boyfriend or husband like the lady before and after me. I told him that no, unfortunately I am shopping for the patch of hair that I'm about to ask my hairdresser to shave off which will more likely scare away potential boyfriends and husbands than attract them. He had a fun time laughing and giggling at me (in a friendly way, I should add) while he showed me about 10 different beard trimmers they had on display.

The Phillips handle felt too big in my tiny woman hands while the VS Sassoon handles either felt awkward or the blades a bit too wide for trimming around my ear. The material for both brands didn't feel anywhere near as luxurious as the two Wahl models I ended up choosing between.
Mr. Shaver Shop told me the main difference between the Wahl Lithium Ion Trimmer and the Wahl GroomsMan Pro kit for about half the price is how often the battery would need to be recharged and also the life of the battery. For hairy dudes, I'd recommend spending that little extra for the Wahl Lithium Ion Trimmer if you need to shave on the regular. I only shave a tiny bit of my head once a week so I went with the cheaper GroomsMan with the not-as-great battery. Though it's still good. I charged it to the max once when I got it early December and it's still going strong.

The jolly old Mr. Shaver Shop told me to take my Wahl GroomsMan Pro out of the packaging as soon as I left the store so no one would see that I'm using a man's beard trimmer on my head. I didn't. In fact, I kept the packaging so I could blog about it. Yeah, I know - I shave my girly head with a manly beard trimmer. Like, whoa. Look at me breaking social boundaries!

I watched the UK Office and it made me all squeamish from the social awkwardness. Think Curb Your Enthusiasm socially awkward. I can't stand watching people embarrass themselves this terribly so it took me a while to watch the US version, even though I'd seen snippets on TV and adore Steve Carrell. When I finally did, I LOVED it!

I didn’t fully appreciate the humour until I worked in a big office for the first time last year. Before then, I’d worked in small businesses and always in open, creative environments where people mostly got along or respected each other on a professional level. I’d heard stories of inter-office friction from friends but it wasn’t until I worked in a team within a division within a bigger department that I got to see adults behaving like children.
The Office (US) plays on the insecurities and ridiculousness of having a bunch of people with not much in common outside of work lumped together in an office all day. There’s heart, there’s humour and lots of little awkward moments (endearing, not squirmy) that I’ve finally experienced firsthand!

They're short, punchy episodes that are easy to watch and perfect for a wind-down laugh at the end of a long day. Oh, The Office, how you kept me entertained and relaxed during uber deadlines.

Dwight Schrute is a very quotable character if you’re not into coming up with your own lines like me. He makes many comments that can be applied to everyday life. My favourite is, “You’re PMSing hard, huh?” Said with so much sincerity. And also this crying face below. I love him.

1. chubby Asian lady - That's a bit harsh, search engines. I'm size 10/12 (M), 166cm and in the ideal BMI weight range.
2. Jade Pham GM Girls - This is how I learned there's a porn version of me in the States!
3. Captain Catman - I checked with his mum, she didn't google her own cat so who did?
4. brain typo - yup that's me in two words
5. birthmark on my bum - you'd be concerned if you knew how many people actually google this term
6. how to fix polyurethane clothing - I'm not the only one with this problem?
7. haystack hair - my hairdresser fixed that
8. nazi tugh tattoo - not sure if they meant a tuman tugh (a pole adorned with yak or horse tails) but either way, this nazi wouldn't have enjoyed landing on a k(g)ooky blog
9. chubby in shiny leggings - gee, I thought my legs looked pretty good in that shiny leggings photo. Thanks for proving me wrong search engines
10. how to make wardrobe from crate - this one isn't funny but I included it because i can't believe my blog may have actually helped real people somewhere!
11. Looking at my sexy feet - i don't know how my pigeon toed, stumpy feet got picked up by search engines for this. I guess Google has a sense of humour
12. Well dressed women - Baha, google really is funny

Do you know that Grill’d burger joints have Rekorderlig cider slushies? I discovered these delicious drinks the same night I discovered foam hair curlers. These discoveries aren't mutually exclusive - they are linked by the phenomenon of drunk shopping.

On a girls’ night out, the crew stopped by Mecca Cosmetics after dinner in Winter Gardens Brisbane on our way to a jazz bar then rock gig. In my fuzzy haze I thought sober me would think this purchase a dumb idea. I did feel stupid the next morning but I gave the curlers a go and, lo and behold, I love these heart-shaped foam curlers so much I’m blogging about them!
The package says to put the curlers in while your hair is wet or damp before bed then take them out the next morning, but I found it works best when my hair is almost completely dried (using my new Remington Studio Styler) then while it’s still malleable I put the curlers in. My girlfriend, who also bought the foam curlers, put them in while her hair was damp and woke up with still damp hair.
The end result is soft, wavy hair. Mum Pham would be proud – she loved hair volume. The bigger the better! Now that I’m swimming again I can’t sport a perm because my hair dries then breaks, and I’m not into heated curlers because they also dry and break hair. Foam curlers get my two thumbs up! They’re soft and cushie so it’s like sleeping on an extra pillow and you feel magically prettier the next morning when you wake up with princess waves in your hair.

The Phamly are all huge fans of Luke Nguyen. We have TV nights in to watch his traveling cooking show on SBS every Thursday at 8pm. Mum Pham wrote her name on all his DVDs and tucked them away so her friends wouldn't ask to borrow them when they visited. We all love the man! Vietnam represent!
SO when I learned he was opening a restaurant at 12.12pm on the 12.12.12 in Brisbane, I had Little Sissy Pham queuing up with me for some good, old food worship. Fat Noodle is inside Treasury Casino - you can enter through the door on the left of the stairs at the main entrance, or if you’re inside the casino heading outwards, look right and follow the white dragon along the ceiling.

My River Island Marley Knot Palm Print bikini from Asos.com arrived in the mail on Saturday - I love giving me presents!

A bikini solves one of my worst beach-going problems - my tiny bladder. My god, this will make going to the toilet every hour so much easier! I know a tankini would have solved this problem years ago but tankinis seem like a bikini cop-out to me so I made it one of my dumb life rules that I fiercely follow to either brave a bikini or suffer through the pain of taking off your entire swimsuit to pee.

It's funny yet sad that at age 28 and size 12 I have the confidence (or the who-gives-a-fuck attitude) to wear a bikini, while 25 year old me, size 10 had a monokini and 22 year old me, size 8 had a one-piece and shorts (side note - I was underweight as a size 8 - not good). I wish it had everything to do with me being an overweight child but I see gorgeous, fit young girls being just as self-conscious as I used to be. It's a cultural disease that infects too many women in Australia. I just hope the girls I see find the confidence to wear what they want sooner than I did.

In the spirit of honesty, I haven't photoshopped this pic (except to put the Phamly name in the corner and crop it to size). You can see my body acne, stretch marks (those ain't pubes on my inner thighs guys), muffin top and the red line across my belly button that Middling niece thinks is an operation scar like hers but is really a permanent belly flab line that was there even when I was underweight.

The River Island bikini fabric's not great (as in tough) quality but the print is just too cute and too me! I bought this bikini for lazing around and casual swims, not for exercise  - I've still got my Funkita sports swimsuit for that. Both top and bottom came in at under $50 total - ridiculously cheap. If only bikini bodies came in the mail within 10 days and for that price too. Sigh, guess I'll just follow the lovely card my old manager gave me and just keep swimming. I've been back in the pool for almost two months now - a couple more months should tighten up some of the slack I copped sitting at a desk for most of 2012.