KEEP IT IN THE PHAMLY

After watching five seasons of Six Feet Under in about two weeks and learning that it is possible to run over yourself with your own car, fall and poke your eye/brains out, and many other likely ways clumsy people like me can die, I thought it best to write a last will and testament.

The jolly man at the Brisbane GPO Post Office gave me the couples Will pack when I told him my sister and I were writing our legal wills together. He wasn't being strange or perverse, he was helping me to be a tight-ass. The couple's will pack contains two individual wills because even though you may be in a relationship you are still your own person. Who knew a simple Will pack could be so Oprah Winfrey about life?

It's kindda obvious who I'm going to leave my beloved Hyundai Getz car, dying laptop, "clown wardrobe" and sci-fi / fantasy books to - my blog is called Keep It In The Phamly after all. However, it just seems smart to put it down in writing because I also learned while watching Six Feet Under that if you don't tell people what you want, crazy relatives can do what they like or the law could dictate your farewell party. Oh, TV, I learn so much from you every day.

Little Sissy Pham and I are a bit obsessed with the Zynga game Hanging With Friends. It's hang man but with added rules and a virtual interface so you can verse one another. She usually kicks my butt because she uses her brain to play while I use impatience and chance to randomly guess letters. I believe if god wanted me to solve the word, he would have made me press the correct letters. It is safe for you to assume that I never studied religion because that is probably not how god works. He does not micro-manage computer games. Or does he?!?!

Even though this blog post falls in my Upgrade U recommendations, it is technically a downgrade. I have been unemployed for nearly four months. The last time I sat on the couch for this long was when I first finished university. The difference between then and now is I didn't have any bills or many keys on my keyring. In other words, growing up hadn't punched me in my young face yet.

This time I had a phone contract and even though I moved home to live with Dad Pham and Little Sissy Pham so wasn't paying rent I still had leftover household bills from Melbourne life and moving costs and new bedroom furniture costs because in my absence my old Brisbane room had become mouldy. Enough about grossness, more about Upgrading U! Though on a related note: in university I didn't wear make-up or use skin products - you were lucky if I wore deodorant so skincare was not part of my budget then.
I came across the Smartskin budget range of skincare on my journey to living within my means. Actually, I was walking to the checkout when I happened to see a pack of the Smartskin cleansing wipes in a bargain bin for only $1! It was on sale for half price, down from a whopping $2. The ones I got were scented, which I don't particularly like but I've since switched to one without fragrance. I also changed my Nivea Q10 cream over to the Smartskin Q10 because at approximately $5 it's about a third of the cost.

As far as I can tell with my limited and lazy research (I looked on the packet then googled the company name) Smartskin is made by the McPherson's Consumer Products who also produce Lady Jayne hair accessories and Manicare nail care - two brands that I use and trust. The cream and wipes feel good on my skin so I think I'm going to stick with the brand even though I am now officially employed again.  Another plus is the brand is available in Woolworths, where I have to go every few days because Dad Pham drinks about 6L of the store brand reduced fat milk every 3-4 days. There's also a Q10 Night Cream and Anti-Eye Wrinkle Cream from what I've seen on shelves.

UPDATE: I received a blog comment below from some one who had an allergic reaction to the Smartskin day cream. She has sensitive skin, so if you do too, please be careful and do a test spot to see if you're allergic before using the cream! Thanks. JP

Don't you hate friends and relatives who you only hear from they want something? I figure that's how Centrelink, Australia's welfare system, must feel about me. I came crying for help straight out of university, then when I was back on my feet they never heard from me again until I moved to Melbourne a couple of years later and needed more support. They didn't hear from me for a long time and probably assumed or prayed really hard that I was dead. But no, I moved back to Brisbane and - surprise, surprise, I rocked up on their doorstep again begging for money.

Most people complain about Centrelink and I understand why (it's every human being's conscious right to complain about being alive) but I'm just grateful there is a welfare system at all. Sure Centrelink has its kinks - like how they misspelled my name and address and while they have finally got my name right, my address is still incorrect after two attempts at getting it amended. Thankfully Australia Post know what Lorriktte means. There's also the 45-minute minimum wait each time I call or go into the office. At least I have good phone reception now and can play Hanging With Friends or Words With Friends while I wait. (Challenge me, my username is: jadestopthat! Exclamation mark included.)

The overall Centrelink experience has improved a lot since I was last on the dole about 5 years ago. The system's modernised so you can now lodge reports online, you get interviewed over the phone when you register and only need to drop into the office for a quick review of paperwork. In my local office they don't even have a reception desk - you wait for a short time in a queue and someone with a headset comes up, finds out what you're here for and if it can't be done online or over the phone (both tools provided in the office) they direct you to the waiting area to see someone in person.

I've been receiving the New Start Allowance for the third time in my life and it's been the most pleasant Centrelink experience I've ever had - mostly because they left me to my own devices to job hunt. Three months, a tonne of written applications and seven interviews later, I have found a new role in the area I want to move into. Starting tomorrow I will be a Web Content Producer for a Queensland government website. It will be informative, intelligent and useful to society unlike this silly blog, which is a complete and utter waste of webspace and readers' time!

Thank you Centrelink for my New Start. May we never speak again! Love, Jade.

I love crafty gifts. Actually, I love gifts of any kind. I even loved receiving a free sample of Kool'n'Soothe migraine relief in the mail even though I don't get migraines and have had maybe four heat-stroke or dehydration headaches in my lifetime. FYI, the sample went to a good friend who's suffered regular migraines since the age of 9 and said they worked a treat!

I got the best crafty gift over Xmas. My girlfriends made a photo album of all our fun times since meeting about 3 years ago. I call it The Book of J.E.M. (Jade, Elaine and Misty). Glad I changed my name from Ngoc to Jade otherwise we would have been The Book of M.E.N. and that could be misinterpreted. Here are a few of my favourite pages from the J.E.M.:

Let's face it. We all stink. Whether it's Mother Nature's natural oils and sweat or man-made chemicals, we all reek something awful. Every time I am on a crowded train I thank the Heavens for my poor sense of smell.

I've only recently paid attention to fragrances. I'm not entirely sure why I never wanted to smell unnatural before but I suspect it had something to do with getting nosebleeds every time I walked through the Myer beauty section during my highly hay feverish childhood. Or it could have been my teenage years getting nosebleeds from the crazy way my classmates abused Impulse and Lynx sprays (a little goes a long way people)! I didn’t get the subtlety of scents until my hay fever cleared up and I worked in a bigger office where people’s smells didn’t offend my central face holes.

I went on a fragrance hunt with my friend whose nose could smell things burning in the kitchen while my hay fever clogged snout left me with nearly no dinner. She also had encyclopedic knowledge of every current, past and upcoming perfume on the market. We went to Paint’n’Powder in Royal Arcade, Melbourne CBD where she and the store clerk pointed out a few warm, vanilla or flowery scents to me because my prerequisite was I wanted to smell like food or flowers.

I fell in love with the prettiest Flower By Kenzo. It would have been $50 cheaper to buy the scent from Strawberry Net but the customer service at Paint’n’Powder was so nice and old school I had to buy it from them for helping me find my new signature scent. Now between my cocoa butter moisturiser and Flower By Kenzo I smell like a chocolate garden!

It's amazing how perceptive kids can sometimes be. Especially when you've seen them in an Easter Egg hunt where they can't even find the bright yellow egg resting on a green lawn out in the open right by their feet. Look down! Look down! Right there! See? It's right in front of you. Look! LOOK THERE! Finally an older kid swoops in, takes the egg from under their nose and the pulsing stress vein in my neck subsides until I try to help find the next egg.

Mini-me (as I like to call my middling niece because she has a big face, is stubborn as a mule and says bizarre things like her Aunty Knock) was scrolling through my iPhone photos at my pyjama birthday party (pyjama themed because I spent my birthday on the couch with a bag of potato chips and my new best friend Ellen Degeneres, then mini-me rocked up in her pyjamas because it was her bedtime as soon as dinner and ice-cream cake was done, the rest of the Phamly wore real clothes because they have real lives) when she came across Mum Pham's plaque and said, 'That's Ba.' (Ba, being short for grandma in Vietnamese).

It was one of those freakish moments where kids know more than they should. We asked her to confirm, 'Where's Ba?' She turned in a confused full circle to look for grandma in the house. And snap - she was back to being the kid who kept missing the Easter egg basket and finding the same egg that she had just dropped over and over until her father finally stepped in to break the vicious cycle.

It's Mum Pham's birthday today. Coincidentally, the lady resting head-to-head with her shares the same birth date too. Happy Birthday, ladies. It was my birthday on Valentine's Day. Happy Birthday, me too. And the other four Pham girls had their birthdays in January. How many Aquarians can you fit into one Phamly? Very many.

1. housemate sex etiquette - surprisingly popular and frequently googled
2. my bum is blue
3. clown wardrobe
4. little old asian lady
5. my pole room
6. "sissy" "salon" "heels" - it was mainly the quotation marks around each individual word that made me giggle
7. fat bald asian women
8. expressions about pocahontas
9. zumba hurts

I learned the full story of my diamond ring yesterday. Mum Pham gave me her favourite ring last year. She'd been trying to get me to take it for over a year but seeing as how the most expensive thing I owned was a $1400 MacBook and I couldn't even take care of that properly, I didn't want to take it. A MacBook is big, white and hardy yet I managed to sit or step on it a number of times and now some parts of the casing are being held together by Miffy sticky tape. No way was I accepting a priceless Phamly heirloom!

I finally accepted the ring over Easter 2011 while I was visiting The Phamly after wearing a cheap mood ring to train myself in the art of wearing and not losing a ring. I did lose it once at the very beginning when I took it off for a cooking session then forgot about it but I didn't make the same mistake again so after 6 months I decided I was ready to graduate from ring training wheels to the real deal.

Mum Pham told me the ring was a gift from Grandpa for doing well at university and it's her most cherished piece of jewellery so she'd like it to be a Phamly heirloom. Dad Pham told me yesterday that  the original ring was left behind in Vietnam when Mum fled the country because the communists would take it if they found it. Years later, Sixth Aunty (the braver, defiant and hot-headed one who talked back at the commies for bullying her sisters - threats of beatings/being disappeared be damned! And yet she has a hysterical fear of chilli) removed the diamonds from its original ring to sneak it out of Vietnam when she migrated to Germany.
This new ring was cast by ze Germans and is one of the most beautiful ring designs I have ever seen. It even has tiny diamonds encrusted in each leaf of the spiral flower. I wear it proudly as a reminder of Mum Pham. Now it also reminds me of the stubborn streak in The Phamly bloodline and that I'm lucky Mum & Dad moved to a country where I can wear a diamond ring with the fear of being mugged by common thieves and not the authorities.

Happy Australia Day, indeed.

Hello 2012! Hope you're having fun. Me? I've been head down, bum up writing job applications every single day excepting weekends when I bulk grocery shop, cook Phamly feasts and power-watch TV shows. I've been through all of Alias (5 seasons), all of Heroes (4 seasons) and after this post I'm finishing the last two episodes of Entourage (8 seasons). I have about 6 years of TV shows to catch up on before employment and being productive rules my life again. Email or tweet me TV show recommendations please! blog@thephamly.com.au or @jadestopthat
Anyhoo, this isn't a post about TV shows. This post is about how I was called on to babysit my nieces for two weekends leading up to Xmas and watched Cars 1 and Cars 2 half a dozen times along with Horton Hears A Who (the bridge scene is one of the funniest animated scenes I have seen in years!) and Monsters Vs. Aliens. As a result I now walk around yelling 'Ka-chow!' every time I do something cool like karate chopping the air. Ka-chow is Lightning McQueen, the race car's catch phrase for those of you age 9 and up.
Dad Pham took some $$ out of his mortgage to buy me a toot-toot, honk-honk (I felt guilty about this until Little Sissy Pham pointed out she got help with two cars and Big Brother Pham has had help with half a dozen). The cutest pastel green second-hand Hyundai Getz you will ever see! And I've decided to make it cuter by decking it out like one of the background extras in Cars.
For readers in Melbourne, you may not know but there's this thing called the sun that beams hot rays of light onto the Earth. I've burned my hands a couple of times on the steering wheel after leaving it parked in sunshiny Brisbane streets so my first accessory is this Disney Pixar Cars window shield purchased on eBay from the Cute Moon Shop. They are closed for Chinese New Years but will be open again on January 28th, 2012. The shade also comes in blue.