KEEP IT IN THE PHAMLY

I've decided to stop online dating, and I suppose that means offline dating too since I only meet dudes online. I like failing to some extent, because it means I tried. However, I believe there are only so many times you should fail at the same thing over and over before you admit defeat. I'm no good at online dating - it's better for people who like texting which I hate, being flirty or playing mind games which I’m terrible at, and random hookups which I don't enjoy. I don’t know why I kept it up for so long. Dating is clearly not for me.

Our Phamly fortune-teller said I live in the world as it should be, not as it is so I will always struggle to make my idealism a reality. He is right - I want the ideal partner; someone of substance who'd become my best friend and back me on things, since I'm always taking care of other people but haven't had someone in my corner since Mum Pham passed. It honestly sucks not having someone you trust around to reassure you things will be turn out OK.

Now I think of it, this must be why I started (attempting) to date in recent years. I'd always been content to be single before Mum’s death. I never questioned why I suddenly thought dating was a thing I should do until now. I missed having someone that had my back the way she did - no matter what happened, I knew she’d always be there for me whether to support me or to shut my dumb idea down. But I’m not going to find that in the online dating world - it's full of broken people, and I'm too unlucky to meet a good one. My one attempt at a relationship from Tinder was a total fail because I met a lying cheater and was stupid enough to think we could build an honest relationship. And I've been failing at all other types of dates before and since then too.

I've been ‘taking breaks’ from Tinder the past year and a half since we broke up, and it's taken me this long to realise I don’t want to take breaks, I want to stop. I am totally burnt out, and so over spending time getting to know people I don't like. If I'm going to bother with other humans I'd rather my energy go towards friends who care about me.

It's not all dire though. Life took pity on me, and delivered a friend who's new to Brisbane so he’s up for random ventures about town. Things my coupled friends don’t have time for because they’re doing things with partners or other friends. It's the time out I need from boring dates I never want to see again. I might get back into the dating thing one day - whenever I next feel like punishing myself with disinterested bozos who treat me like a piece of meat, or interested weirdos who treat me like an alien species. For now - boys, bye.

I woke up to this message one morning and thought, yup, I'm never going to meet anyone I want to keep on a dating site. As part of my New Years Resolution to try new things in 2013 that saw me go on a blind date for the first time, take on a big event on my own and start learning ballet; I've been online dating too. Well, dating. Period. I've never actively dated before. In the past, I've only been on accidental first dates because when guys ask me to 'hang out' my brain pictures Care Bears hugging in rainbow land and their cartoon voices squeaking, 'Be my friend!' Yup, I've had some pretty awkward first kisses.

I always thought dating was a waste of time and it is but it's a fun, interesting - and I won't lie, occasionally scary - but mostly amusing way to watch the world go round. Who am I going to hang out with in Brisbane when 95% of my friends live elsewhere? Complete strangers, that's who. At first I was in it to find people I relate to and was thoroughly disappointed but now I'm in it for the entertainment value and for the socially bored it's like a fun computer game where you might end up meeting your opponent in person.

I've tried three of the mainstream sites and apps. Here are my thoughts on each:

eHarmony is for people who are after serious relationships. And also scientists... though eHarmony may have profiled me as someone who only likes engineers and architects and only sent me those matches. But I only have my personal experience to go on so to me eHarmony is for long-term relationship seeking nerds. I wouldn't recommend it unless you're looking to meet someone and marry within a year. The few guys I met in person were waaaayyyy too serious for man-resistant (repellant?) me. The site is too pricey for what you don't get - you can't browse other members' profiles, you can only contact people who are matched to you based on personality test results calculated by eHarmony. I may be an INTJ type but I prefer my pals spontaneous and loud. eHarmony says it's science but I think dating chemistry is a whole different field. No dice.

OKcupid. I went on this because it's free and after eHarmony I decided paying to meet people I don't like isn't a great investment. Wow, I've been approached by some real crazies on here. The dude who invited me to Hawaii as his intro, the many men who want affairs for various reasons, the ones with very detailed sexual fantasies and the addicts who like to overshare - I've had my fair share of supporting mentally ill and addictive people already, thanks but I'll pass. I did meet a couple of nice guys on here and we're friends now but the majority I found to be either too intense, too creepy or too sincere. You'd think the last would be a good trait but, no, I don't like to read the life story of a stranger who says they'd like to get to know me better when really it reads like they want me to get to know them better. People sure are wordy on okcupid, which is why I tried out the shallowest one of them all.

Tinder. It's a phone app only that is linked to your Facebook so chances are you'll come across real people with real profiles and real lives outside of Tinder and Facebook. The best part is only people you 'like' the look of and who like you back can message you. This means I don't get essays from people I'm not interested in. It also means a lot of requests for sex from guys who think 'you're cute' = 'fuck me now' but those are fun to read when they're not too gross. Sorry, man, who imagines ways he'd enjoy my butthole. Block. I love Tinder. Because it's a phone app it's like texting - just short, quick banter. Some people go on Tinder for eye candy and to message strangers for a while but I actually meet up with the ones I think will be a bit of fun. So far I've met one harmless weirdo, one nice guy and one total fox. Tinder is by far my favourite.

The greatest part about virtual dating is the block feature. I feel rude knocking back guys who approach me in real life because that takes balls, but when they're playing on a phone or computer, it's all just a game.

False alarm guys, I am still technically an Always Single Lady because I'm pretty sure I can't have a boyfriend who already has a girlfriend. A couple of weeks ago, a lady contacted me on Facebook accusing me of taking her man out on a date. I've been on many online dates the past six months so I had to ask her who her boyfriend was. She told me his name and - oh darn, her boyfriend had been telling me he's my boyfriend for the past 6 weeks. Wow. Epic, huge online dating fail. I should be angry and outraged like my girlfriends but I'm more baffled and confused than anything. ...How did I even do that?

Hello, sunshine. It's been a long while. I've been in hibernation post-Uncle Ho takedown, I was a pretty bummed that the only negative blog post I've ever written blew up like that. I see why media like to report bad news - people like that shit. But that's all blown over now and I can go back to not thinking much like Dad says.

I've also put my life on hold in other ways. I did the long-distance thing for over a year. We were going nowhere so that ended. Now I'm back to being a single lady.  I'm not ready to jump back into the wacky world of online dating, and I'm hoping to avoid another online dating horror story. But here's hoping there's a little sunshine, happy times and fun up ahead.

Love,
Jade

I renewed my driver's licence recently - I look same, same but different. As Dad Pham likes to remind me, it's a miracle or dumb luck that I ever got my licence because my un-coordination extends into driving. I used to be an anxious, bad driver but I've improved over the years - these days, I'm a confident, bad driver. I don't know which is worse. Kidding - I'm actually half decent at driving; it's the parking and then remembering where I parked that I remain awful at.

A lot has happened in the 5 years since I moved back to Brisbane and got a QLD licence made. I have:

• grown out my fringe
• switched jobs a lot
• failed at online dating
• a lot
• fallen in and out of love
• stopped grieving
• had my heart broken 
• twice. 

According to Little Sissy Pham, I am "older and less angry."

Since reaching my 30s, I've become a lot more zen and comfortable in my own skin. Part of it is accepting myself for who I am - a quirky, imperfect, sometimes dopey, sometimes intelligent, optimistic human being; and part of it is knowing whose opinion matters to me and not caring what the rest of the world thinks. I've also learned you can't please everyone, and if your loved ones love you back, they'll accept and support your decisions - even when you've made a terrible call. Bless the good souls in my life.

I spent too much of my 20s doing things because I felt I should be doing them, not because I wanted to. Prioritising career over family & friends - no more, partying all the time - no more,  drinking socially despite my allergy - no more, eating animal despite my guilt - no more. Losing Mum Pham when I was 27 woke me up from that life path. I felt lost in space for a year or so before I found my feet again, much more grounded than before.

There's an easy freedom in being yourself. Life doesn't weigh you down with worries about what you should or shouldn't be/want/do/have. I'm hoping this newfound sense of self will help me navigate the wacky world of dating and relating to other human beings... and I don't end up dating someone else's monogamous boyfriend again.

After Phamly reunions galore in our hometown, we went to Berlin and did what everyone should do - went grocery shopping at Lidl. It has anything and everything, and all of it is so good. We went a bit nuts though so had a lot food stuffed in our bags on the last train ride out to Prague at the end of our stay.

Berlin is a mix of modern and historic buildings. We went to the museum island, but by this time I was over seeing so many museums so we just went walkabouts around outside. We indulged in tourism life and took a tour boat along the river, then had late lunch on the needle (rotating tower) and enjoyed panoramic views of the city and a bit of motion sickness too. There was a massive rainbow the day we went so that made it even prettier.

Democracy.

A post shared by Jade (@thephamly) on Sep 3, 2017 at 7:44am PDT

The Reichstag building tour is an interesting insight into the modernisation of an old, historic building. Worth the visit if you're into, you know, knowledge and whatnot. For those of you who don't like to think much, then I recommend walking through the neighbouring massive park and gardens by the Reichstag building. We wandered around for hours just chilling, and climbed the tower at the round-about at the centre of it all to get a beautiful view over the park and city.

Berlin is a very liveable, I can see why so many Aussies move here. Berlin is also where I had a Tinder win. My last and only fun online date I've had in a long time. I've since quit online dating altogether. Berlin date was a funny, intelligent, interesting, well-rounded human being. He and all the other European matches I chatted to showed me it's not the dating app I don't like, it's the people on the app that make or break it. Sorry, Brisbane men, I'm not that into you.

Reach for the sky.

A post shared by Jade (@thephamly) on Sep 3, 2017 at 7:45am PDT

Some of you may remember that I pranked Tuna Breath on his birthday by getting the whole team to buy him a tonne of tuna tins. He promised revenge, and put 3 calendar reminders into his computer to make sure he didn't forget. Well, guys, he delivered.

I arrived at work to find multiple types of chillies on my desk, in the tackiest, pinkest, most glitter covered bag and birthday card. He found out that I am obsessed with chilli - I have 3 types of hot sauce in my desk, pickled chilli in the fridge and sometimes fresh chilli too. Sweet Cakes was in on the prank too - she made me a beautiful birthday cake, with a side of minced chilli in a jar. Too cute. Tuna Breath nailed it. I'm going to be feasting on these chillies for months.


After work for Single Ladies Valentine's Day Birthday, I went for dinner with gal pals - 100% of whom were on loan from their boyfriends so my Single Ladies Bdays very not single these days. You're welcome, guys, most of you were off the hook for Valentine's Day - the most awkward days for going on dates, because romance is dead and people my generation and younger don't know how to cope with feelings. It makes for great people watching on the night, but from the looks of things not many great dates. The heat wave and everyone's face melting probably didn't help the looks of despair I saw on some lovebirds.

This year was my first birthday free from online dating horror stories since I quit Tinder and consequently dating. It meant I didn't have any hilarious / awful stories to share so instead we talked about travel plans, careers, hobbies, media, entertainment. It was fun!

Dinner was at Popolo in South Bank - one of my special treat places. You know, where the prices aren't cheap but the food is amazing, and the service exceptional so you go there only for special occasions. The awesome team at Popolo surprised me with a free cocktail, and free dessert. In your face Valentine's Day daters - I got freebies 'cause I was born. Bet you wish you were sad, alone, and born on Valentine's Day like me now, hey? Yeah, be jealous.

I'm too busy doing nothing over the holidays so I somehow manage to never think of a New Years resolution. This year, however, I had a post-New Years resolution because I was unemployed and had nothing to do after watching back-to-back episodes of Parks & Recreation. This year I promised myself to do things that I've never done. Here's a list of some of the things I tried:

I've been distracted from writing of late. Two things - One: I met a boy. Two: we moved in together. So, in your face, Dave! I did get a boyfriend with my OnePlus 5t.

It's been a whirlwind year of 3-month upheavals. After Europe last year Little Sissy Pham's boyfriend moved in with us. Then I met someone at work and three months in, we started dating. A few more months of share housing with my sibling and her man, and it became obvious I was the third wheel preventing them from being a bike. By that, I mean, most bikes need to settle down with two wheels. I feel like I'm not making sense but you get what I mean. In short, a few months ago I was tossing up whether to live in a sharehouse for affordability (but people, ew) or paying 30% more rent to live alone (but expensive, ew).

New boyfriend of a few months gave me a third option when he asked if it would be crazy for us to live together. Well, yeah it is. But we did it anyway. And so here I am a few months later and we're living together in a cosy apartment - him with his black and white minimalism. Me in my rainbow splattered everything.

We're complete opposites in most ways. He likes gyms, I like swims. He plays basketball, I throw pokeballs. He raps, I can't. He sings, I won't. I dance, he don't. I love the outdoors, he prefers temperature controlled environments. I'm all about summer, he's all for winter. And let's not talk about the long list of things he won't eat. There's one thing I don't eat - animals.

We don't even use the same words to describe things. I say extra, he says spare. I say drizzling, he says sprinkling. I say yah huh, he says nuh uh. I say shut up, he says shush. Why does English have so many words that mean pretty much the same thing?

Somehow we work though. After all the bullshit and mind games of online dating and being with a serial liar and cheater, this is the first romantic relationship where I haven't felt like it is an effort to make it work. When it's right, it's easy. Unlike all of my previous boy history, this one comes Phamly approved. It's nice to be in love with someone worthy of it. I'm a lucky girl.

This past year wasn’t my greatest. I feel like every year I get more extreme lows and highs than the last. Is this because I’m adulting and am more aware of my life’s twists and turns now? Or am I just really bad at keeping balance in my life? Either way, I am glad to see this year end.

The highlight for me was definitely my trip to Europe and seeing my German Phamly for the first time in 3 decades. The lowlights were Dad Pham’s health scare, the ongoing boy fails, and farewelling work bestie and corny chips. It's always tough saying goodbye to good people.

Things ended well enough though. I’ve made some new friends to add to my small collection of excellent humans in my life; Dad Pham has PhamLe living next door; and I have cats everywhere I go now. Cats are the greatest reminder that humans should be humble because we are clearly inferior to these majestic (yet dopey) creatures. Also, I wish I had a domestic cat's life - lazing around for most of my life, and still being super athletic and wild when I'm active. If I'm inactive for more than a day, my hard earned muscles turn to mush and I have trouble getting out of bed. Lucky cats.

Here’s hoping I can keep up the good momentum from the end of this year into the next. Goals include getting fitter - not as fit as a cat, I'm trying to be realistic here. I’ve been keeping up my Groove Therapy classes, and have added 1-2 more swim sessions a week, I even started jogging after a fill-in Groove Therapy teacher put us through an hour of nonstop jumping and I realised my cardio needs a lot of work when I nearly keeled over during blass. Lastly, I’ve started adult beginner ballet classes again. Another goal is getting back to nature more - less city dwelling weekends. And lastly, my friends are a bigger focus now I’ve given up online dating people I don’t like. Phamly have always and will always be a top priority so they're not a goal, they're a way of life.

Wish me luck kicking all my goals for this year. I wish you all a happy, healthy and prosperous New Year too!

1. "jade bracelets that don't come off" - I'm not alone!
2. "how to buy potato chips" - with money?
3. "wearing his lego brick backpack" - is that you, wild style?
4. "asos porno" - okay, I shopped a lot on asos once upon a time but that seems extreme
5. "cow u" - moo me?
6. "online dating cat lady" - nailed it
7. "insult" - what did i do?
8. "milk drunk onesie"- i actually have no idea why my blog came up as a result. I hate onesies, they're so impractical for small bladders
9. "penguin gifts for adults" - because duh
10. "happy old asian lady" - yes. yes i am

I'm a feminist but I bought lipstick that doesn't transfer because my boyfriend told me to. Well, he told me about them after yet another smooch left us both looking like clowns.

I didn't really have a need for lip colour that won't budge before now because you don't smooch much when you're single and failing at online dating. Also, I only got into bold lips since I traveled Europe and saw so many glamourous ladies walking along cobbled streets in their heels in chic outfits and perfect make up. And I thought to myself, there's no way in hell I'll wear heels every day, but makeup I can do.

Stila Stay All Day Liquid Lipstick is the bomb. The pigments are gorgeous and the colour stays put during my morning coffee, Voost, and protein shake. For darker shades like Vino I always reapply after lunch because I find just touching up can look splotchy. For lighter shades like my go-to nude FIA, sometimes I get away with not reapplying all day - and only need a touch up if my lunch is greasy.

I find the matte formula drying, and I wish it didn't accentuate the wrinkles in my lips, but I still love the overall look of matte colour. If anyone knows of matte lippy that doesn't dry your lips or transfer colour please hit this sister up.

I've only tried one brand so far so can't give you a comparison, but I bought a set of six minis in a limited edition gift set over Xmas. I work in a fashion office with trendy kids who live and breathe fashion, and they always compliment every new Stila lip shade I try. It's just a very flattering range.

There was a moment this year when the CEO at work asked me to recheck some figures because something was off by one, and I replied, "I did the split and I don't really make mistakes like that." Not because I'm cocky but because I am methodical - hence, project management life. By the way, I rechecked figures and I was right because duh. I'm not really someone who makes mistakes at work... or at least, admit to them. My mistakes tend to happen in my personal life. These are my favourite mistakes of 2016:


1/ It's Not A Tumor
The worst and best moment of my year was in April 2016 when Middling Niece had an awful kidney infection and cancer scare. Friggin' doctors scared the living crap out of my Phamly when they warned us some growths visible on scans could be cancer coming back and I bawled my eyes out like I hadn't done in years. This was during a peak period at work as well, so I spent my long days consumed by deadlines, my evenings in hospital playing with my niece to break up her boredom and my nights trying not to cry more before repeating the same cycle next day. It turns out what the doctors thought could be her cancer returning was just a bizarre mucus caused by an infection so bad they hadn't seen anything like it before. My mistake was listening to the experts - Middling Niece is still in remission. That's the last time I listen to doctors!

2/ The Long Ending
I struggled for most of this year with a long distance relationship. It actually felt like work and no fun but I kept it up because I don't like admitting defeat. I'm stubborn like that. It was a big mistake not to end things sooner - we both were finding it hard to keep ourselves and each other happy. The reason it makes my favourites list is because the drawn out ending meant I didn't have the shocked heartbreak of a sudden ending, I had relief like a weight had been lifted. It changed my energy and as soon as I became single, I made some ridiculously fabulous and supportive new friends, and am still meeting interesting and fun new people.

3/ The Unsexiest Tinder Profile
My pics aren't my best but they sum me up pretty well, I think. One dude actually told me I'm cuter on my Instagram than my Tinder profile and I'm not doing myself justice. That's right, I had Tinder profiles mansplained to me. Unmatch - ain't nobody got time for dat.

I also quote my parents in my bio 'cause there is nothing sexier than making guys think about your parents while they're trying to picture you naked to decide whether you're bone-worthy.

Mum: "Ngoc (Jade) was the duck (she means dux) of her school. She could have done anything with her life but she chose music (now fashion) and that's why her hair's like that." 

Dad: "Your mind is simple. That's why you're a happy person." Turns over my palm. "See? Look how clear the lines are. You don't think much."

The good part is, I think I filter out all the gross men with my super goofy profile. So far the men who don't care about me as a human being and only want vagina time have been awfully polite and considerate in their offers. While at the same time, the dudes that seem interested in who I am as a person seem genuine.


So, in conclusion, things I've learned from 2016 is never listen to experts, taking forever to end a relationship isn't a bad thing, and being unsexy in the online dating world is good for avoiding mega creeps. Here's to new and better mistakes in 2017!

My friend's post-marriage mantra is 'Don't Be A Doormat' because "sometimes I'm so flat you won't even notice I'm there." She shared this with me in a not-so subtle attempt to tell me that I've been letting a guy walk all over me. Rogue Fun and I were not a good fit, and at my age I should know better than to force things. I still gave him more chances than any of my supportive girlfriends would have liked (thanks for your patience, ladies, I know I was infuriating by the end). I deserve more effort than I got even if I'm "not hard work" or especially because I'm not hard work, so I had to stop being a doormat and walk away.

Rogue Fun didn't intentionally walk all over me but he took my kindness and understanding for granted. He was very emotionally low key and noncommittal - so much so he didn't appear to care I was around. I'm the complete opposite - I feel all the things and do big and small gestures to show I care about other people's happiness. I thought maybe we'd make a comedic opposites attract duo, and while there was definitely attraction, Rogue Fun became no fun because I need a little affection too. There's only so many cancellations my ego can take before I start feeling rejected. I found myself holding back and toning things down after a while, and if I can't be myself then what's the point? Oh well, we are who we are. I hope he finds someone equally low key to hang out with. And I hope I find someone who's a little excited about seeing me.

Alas, it's back to the drawing board. This sucks because last time I online dated, I had to go on soooooo many filter dates. This is what I call first dates for people you meet online 'cause really you're just meeting to filter out the ones you have zero chemistry with, which was every single one for a year and a half before I met my ex-boyfriend. This time around I was so excited that the first guy passed the chemistry test that I let myself get carried away with the crush. But reality crashed that party pretty quickly.

I am dreading the many, many dud dates I'll have to go on now to find my next connection, but you know what? I deserve the effort. If I expect guys to put in an effort for me, then I need to do the same for myself. And this time, no doormatting. Wish me luck in the dating world. If only all boys could be as sweet as the two young gentleman who offered to be my Valentine's this year, the world would be a much lovelier place.

Hobbies are for people with time and money. It's something that came up with us Phamlings while dating and now in our relationships because people we dated didn't understand why we didn't have hobbies. What do we do when we're not at work? Free to air TV - it's FREE! Sports cost money, arts & crafts cost money, even TV costs electricity but thankfully Mum Pham was good with budgeting and would keep the power on even if it meant eating rice and lettuce for a while.  

Now that the Phamlings have well paying jobs and disposable incomes, we have upgraded to Netflix. A shared account with Little Sissy, of course - we signed up when we lived together and even when it was $6.50 each instead of the wild $8.50 each a month it was kind of a big deal. We committed very reluctantly.

Phamlings didn't have hobbies growing up because we didn't have much money being on welfare. We watched a lot of television, I'd read library books, and write and draw on scrap paper that my cousin brought home from work mostly with grey lead pencils 'cause I didn't want to use up the colour pencils unless it was a particularly special picture. We didn't get fancy art supplies unless gifted from our relatives. My point is - if you can afford a hobby, you're doing alright. 

Little Sissy Pham would list TV and doing online surveys for rewards as her hobbies if she had bothered to fill that question in on her dating profile back in the day. Sub online surveys out for reading / writing and you've got me. Sub in video games and you have Big Brother Pham. 

I know what hobbies we would have liked to pursue if we had the funds. I used to do circus training once a week for $5 until Mum Pham told me we couldn't afford to keep it up. Little Sissy Pham and Big Brother Pham played tennis through school and really got into it. Big Brother Pham really excelled and was offered a scholarship with a tennis school but we couldn't afford the equipment and didn't have a car to get him to the classes. It's not like we chose to not have hobbies - life just worked out that way. We did what we could within our means. 

Next time you ask someone about their hobbies, don't be so quick to judge if it's not sports that all cost money and time and logistics, or a craft or an art which also all cost money for supplies. Some of us only got hobbies once we were older and had disposable income.